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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I give him another chance, or leave?! please read.

68 replies

FTM05xx · 21/05/2019 22:43

I am 24+5 pregnant with my first child, me and my partner have only been together 11 months but we’ve known each other since we were young children… I had been told for years that I possibly was infertile, I have a lot of problems with my health, and then back in January I found out I was pregnant… it was shocking but I was OVER THE MOON!! So was my partner, he already has a child with his ex, which he sees regularly, I am also quite friendly with the ex partner, I helped him for months to get contact and put myself way out there for him. He works full time, we have our own home… we sound and look like the happiest couple on paper, and even if you see us together we match perfectly…. So why does he treat me so badly?

He is CONSTANTLY throwing up my ex-partner, my ex was abusive mentally and physically… I don’t even think about him anymore, he is a utter waste of space… but my partner will NOT let me forget entirely, he says that because I stayed with my ex for so long I should be happy that my current partner isn’t abusive physically like him… he constantly says that I am stupid and disgusting for staying with him, and now today he told me he can understand why my ex-partner hit me… he said I ask for it… he is obsessed with him!!!

He always wants to go out and spend money on alcohol, I really think he has a problem… but its not too bad that he can’t hide it, but he is constantly talking about it, trying to make plans to get to a pub or up his friends who is a really bad influence, but he’s really good and making it sound normal… but today I only said he seemed to be drinking a lot and he went absolutely MENTAL on me.

He constantly say I control him, and he tells me Im crazy, that he’s going to call my MW and say I have really bad mental health…. And that im crazy, he shouts at me constantly and If I get upset he calls me an attention seeker, and that Im a ‘cry baby’ he makes me question everything I do.

I have always wanted a family of my own, I have worked soooo hard to become a better person for my baby, I have changed my life completely… I know I will be a fantastic mother, and I am really lucky to have a supportive family. I know most people will say to just walk away, but isn’t that the easy option? Should I try something else with him to try and make him understand? I am having a child with him and don’t want to be single mum, but if that’s what’s better for my child I will automatically do it.

Do you think he could change? There is so much more I could write but this thread won’t allow me… Please don’t judge me, I genuinely just need advice, opinions… I just want the best for me and the baby and even though deep down we deserve better, I want some miracle where he could understand what he is doing… which is BREAKING my heart.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 21/05/2019 23:32

He will NEVER change and you don't need him. Take control of your life and get rid of this arsehole. Better days are ahead, I promise.

Derpess · 21/05/2019 23:33

You and your baby deserve so much better.

EKGEMS · 21/05/2019 23:35

Sweet Jesus that bastard should be kept in a cage and fed with a stick! He's an abusive,angry evil counterfeit human!

Kaleela · 21/05/2019 23:36

Please leave while it still IS the easy option. Fuck. He will escalate.

Friendlywarrior · 21/05/2019 23:51

Seriously, I am telling you.. I am most probably you in 14 years if you continue in your relationship.. please go. Now. I am poorly, I have MS, I am unable to work and find it difficult to keep up with the housework consistently because of it. I have been bad since Friday but had a family thing booked for this evening, I was out with my mum and sister for 3 hours. He did all the housework while I was out. He's in a stinking mood now, and swears he's not.. messing with my head. He drinks most nights and makes me feel like shit with sly digs and accuses me of affairs. It started out like yours, he also had a child which I helped him with hugely, who lives with us still, as an adult who has no respect for me, like his father. Go, he can only change himself my lovely. I have learned that after being with my husband for 20 years. I am preparing to make the biggest decision of my life if he doesn't sort his drinking out this time. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy. Lots of love x

Nameisthegame · 22/05/2019 00:09

Leave him! He is abusive, possibly violent! Go! Speak to you midwife, call your local women’s group thing sure a helpful person will pop the correct information up.

Don’t put his name on the birth certificate and do not give the baby his last name!

You deserve better,!! Sending you lots of love xx

RantyAnty · 22/05/2019 01:01

It sounds like your trade a grade 10 asshole for a grade 7 asshole.

He's an abusive alcoholic and no it will never get any better and there is nothing you can do to make it better. This is who he is.

Leave
Leave his name off the birth certificate
Do the Freedom Programme

practicallyperfectmummy · 22/05/2019 02:45

Please tell your midwife about this, she can offer help and good advice. Your current partner is just as abusive as your ex. Your putting yourself and your baby in harms way by staying in this situation.

First step tell your midwife all of this. You know he's treating you badly put your baby first.

RRJR · 22/05/2019 02:56

Oh god he sounds like an absolute piece of shit

Are you having a boy or girl, OP? Would you want your son growing up just like him? Would you want your daughter to be with a man like him?

I’m sure you will be a great mum. But by staying with this horrible man you’ll be letting down your child - move on

Theoldwoman · 22/05/2019 03:01

Of course people can change, but only if they want to.

Will he seek counselling?

RubberTreePlant · 22/05/2019 03:03

don’t want to be single mum, but if that’s what’s better for my child I will automatically do it.

It's far and away better for your child to be alone with you than in an abusive environment of conflict with him.

Hanab · 22/05/2019 03:28

Run, run as far and as fast as you can!

TenSheets · 22/05/2019 03:50

You must not bring your much longed for child into such a toxic abusive situation.

ErrmWTAF · 22/05/2019 04:16

There is nothing - NOTHING - you can do or say to make him see sense. There are no magic words, no sudden epiphanies. He's never going to change, so please don't waste any more of your time and energy trying.

I found it interesting that you helped him to get contact for his previous children, and I'm sure there's a good origin story on why he hadn't had any. I wonder what his ex's side of the story is...

Echo PPs with Freedom Programme, leaving him before baby comes, keeping him off the BC, the lot. Also read Lundy Bancroft's Why Does He Do That? - a total eye-opener.

Focus all your love and effort on you and your baby.

Sashkin · 22/05/2019 04:24

Isn’t that the easy option?

Why wouldn’t you want the easy option? Why would you take the horrible, abusive option instead? Relationships are meant to be easy.

There are no magic words you can say to “make him understand” - he understands just fine, he is setting out to be unpleasant to you quite consciously. This is working fine for him. It won’t change.

KatherineJaneway · 22/05/2019 05:01

I know most people will say to just walk away, but isn’t that the easy option?

It would be the right option.

ThinkWittyThoughts · 22/05/2019 05:21

I didn't read the whole OP. I got to the bit where he said you deserved to be hit and couldn't read any further.

RUN.

Thank him for your precious baby and then run like you've never run before.

This man is WORSE than your ex.
Right now he's just ramping up the verbal abuse (common in pregnancy, tell your midwife) but it won't be long before he hits you and says : see you've done it again, you asked to be hit.

If you've told him any details about the abusive from your ex, he will use this against you to make his abuse all the worse and more effective.

He's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

RUN. RUN. RUN.

Don't look back. Don't put his name on the birth certificate. Give child your surname.

ukgift2016 · 22/05/2019 05:31

You walked straight into another abusive relationship. Please join the freedom program and get to know a man before you get pregnant.

You knew him as a child, but many abusive men appear nice to society but in an romantic relationship show their true colours.

This isn't about you now. It's about the baby. Growing up with abusive parents is far more detrimental to your child well-being than being raised by a single mum.

Tell your midwife, she can support you in this.

MaybeitsMaybelline · 22/05/2019 05:46

Leave him now, don’t put his name on the birth certificate, don’t go back to him.

Charley50 · 22/05/2019 05:54

Get rid.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 22/05/2019 05:55

Ltb if you stay your baby will grow up thinking that women deserve to be treated the way he treats you. If you have a dd, she will likely end up in the same situation as an adult because it will be normall to her. If you have a ds, there's a good chance he will grow up and treat his partner the way your dp treats you because that will be normal to him. If you can't ltb for your own sake, please do it for your innocent baby

Downunderduchess · 22/05/2019 06:07

You say you want the best for your baby, of course you do, you know in your heart that means leaving. I'm so sorry you are in this shitty situation. I wish you & your baby all the best. Please don't think you can fix someone like your partner, he is just as abusive as your ex.

GrumpyOldMare · 22/05/2019 06:14

Yes I think he'll change. He'll start hitting you.

He sounds scarily like my ex husband,it could be him.I came close to losing my life the last time he went for me.Like yours,mine blamed me by saying I deserved to be hit.No one deserves that.

I stayed with him for too long and now,5 years later I still cringe if a man shouts near or at me and a raised hand makes me very scared.I can't bear to be touched by anyone unless they're a very trusted friend.

Leaving him isn't the easy option but the right one. Think of your baby,the arguements and eventual violence will affect them.

Run. Fast and far.

Blondebakingmumma · 22/05/2019 06:20

Please leave before your precious baby is exposed to this vile man. Don’t try to have counseling as you can’t with an abuser.

Bluntness100 · 22/05/2019 06:24

I am having a child with him and don’t want to be single mum, but if that’s what’s better for my child I will automatically do it

But you're not doing it.

He's abusive. You know this. End it. It won't get better. And it's going to get one hell of a lot worse when the baby comes and you add that stress and disruption into the equation.