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Original poster

Is this ridiculous? should we live together?

70 replies

Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 07:51

Would it bother you if you didn't live with your partner 4 years in?
My partner doesn't want to live together, it's tough because my mortgage means I must work weekends to make ends meet but also he doesn't want to share a bank account or mundane things other couples seem to do.
He still considers himself 'single' on forms etc and this upsets me.
Would this bother you?
I suppose I'd like marriage and kids.

OP posts:
NabooThatsWho · 21/05/2019 07:53

He’s not the one for you.

Shoxfordian · 21/05/2019 07:53

I could see it being a great arrangement if I wanted my independence and didn't want to live with anyone. Clearly you don't think it's great so have you spoken to him and said what you want? If he ultimately doesn't want to get married or have children then its not going to work

ChilliMum · 21/05/2019 07:54

Yes of course. Not that he didn't want to live together he is absolutely entitled to live how he wants but that we are not on the same page regarding the future.

Honestly I wouldn't see the point in continuing a relationship that clearly isn't going anywhere. Sorry.

BertrandRussell · 21/05/2019 07:55

What makes him your partner?

NameChangeNugget · 21/05/2019 07:56

Would it bother you if you didn't live with your partner 4 years in?

This is all going to be about personal opinion. I agree with your partner. Love my space and enjoy my freedom. And why should he tell lies on forms? He is single

There’s only one opinion that counts here though and that is yours. If you have different needs from a relationship, it sounds like you could be setting yourself up to fail.

Letthemysterybe · 21/05/2019 07:58

It sounds like the main reason you want him to live with you is to help pay your mortgage!

titchy · 21/05/2019 08:01

He's not a partner, he's a friend with benefits. At least that's how he sees himself. Move on.

IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 08:05

No it would not bother me. You are in the position where you have the best of both worlds, but on reading your OP, you sound annoyed having to work all these hours and be struggling, so are you wanting to move in because it's cheaper?

MacrosomicMumma · 21/05/2019 08:06

I didn't live with my boyfriend for about 4 years BUT we had both just bought flats when we met and he had bought with a flat mate so didn't want to ditch the flat straight away.

However, we talked and planned about when we would live together and it was always a given that we would. We split our week between our houses and then both sold and bought a place together.

We're now married and only got a joint account once until we got a joint mortgage! Even then I didn't see the need and wouldn't have minded separate accounts.

Does your boyfriend talk about moving in together eventually??

firstimemamma · 21/05/2019 08:09

First year or 2, it wouldn't bother me. 3 or 4 years down the road? It would bother me, yes. He doesn't sound that committed. Sorry op. Have you tried telling him how you feel or what you want moving forward?

MashedSpud · 21/05/2019 08:10

You say you’d like marriage and kids. What’s his stance on it?

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2019 08:10

No because I don't live with my partner (and he is very much my partner not my friend with benefits!) but that suits me.
It doesn't suit you and it's not what you want, so this relationship is not right for you which is all you need to know.

Starlight456 · 21/05/2019 08:11

The form thing is a none issue as it doesn’t usually have boyfriend status .

I think a conversation about how you both foresee the future. Then see if you are on the same page

ANewDawn10 · 21/05/2019 08:12

Hes a fwb op. Hes doing everything to prove he is single and no intention of combining your lives. Seriously though, why are you only questioning this now. You are wasting years of your life with him

Lweji · 21/05/2019 08:13

It depends.
If you are in your 60s or more and enjoy being alone some time and an independent life, it's fine.
If you're less than 40, say, still want children and a full relationship, then move on asap.

I'd always do a one year check (or 7 month check). Is it moving anywhere? Are you sharing enough? Do you feel like a couple? Do you make joint plans?
If not, move on and don't waste any more time with that person.

ShatnersWig · 21/05/2019 08:13

He still considers himself 'single' on forms etc and this upsets me

What should he say then? The last form I filled in which enquired about my status in that regard had tick boxes which were:

Single
Co-habiting
Married
Divorced

If there is no tick box but just an empty field to complete, what should he put? Partnered? Depending on the form he's filling in, that could give the impression he does live with someone which could be an issue. Legally, he is single.

What do you put on forms, as you are in the same position?

newjobnerves · 21/05/2019 08:16

If it's not the type of relationship you want, it isn't working.

AlyssasBackRolls · 21/05/2019 08:16

That would suit me fine but I've had my kids and am marriage intolerant ... Grin In your position I'd be wary.

cassiewoowoo · 21/05/2019 08:18

It doesn’t sound like you’re on the same page.

Original poster
Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 08:26

Thanks for the feedback.

I don't want him to pay my mortgage it was simply an example of something that would make more sense living together so we both could have a bit more money. And really I wouldn't want my gf /bf having to work weekends when we could be spending time together.

I am 33 and he is nearly 50. He's been married before and doesn't want to repeat his mistakes. He says he's too old for kids.

I tried to end it several times but I miss him so much! But I see from the responses it doesn't look great

OP posts:
Lweji · 21/05/2019 08:29

You're definitely at different stages of your life.

I'm sure you'll find someone who you'll love as much or more and want the same things.

End with this man, cut all contact, have a few rebound dates and be upfront with the next men about where you want to go.

Coronapop · 21/05/2019 08:30

It sounds as though it is time to move on if he won't commit.

newjobnerves · 21/05/2019 08:30

My mum is in her 50s and all she wants now is companionship, she's had her kids, owns her house and wants her own space. She doesn't want to marry again, but would like a boyfriend to date but live independently. He sounds similar, you are in very different stages of your lives and it just doesn't sound compatible.

cassiewoowoo · 21/05/2019 08:31

OP I was with a 50 year old when i was in my late twenties and I wanted marriage and kids but he’d done it all before - he told me wanted them probably to keep hold of me but when it came down to it he freaked out and we split up.

Leave now while you’re still young enough to find someone who wants the same as you.

Rainycloudyday · 21/05/2019 08:33

You want completely different things, and you need to face up to that. Bluntly, at 33 the clock is ticking for you to find someone else, establish a relationship and try for a baby. You’re wasting your time here. He’s done nothing wrong as he isn’t misleading you-sounds like he’s been totally upfront and he’s entitled not to want kids at his age. So it’s on you to have the strength to walk away before you’re left single at 40 with no children and a lot of regrets.