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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is this ridiculous? should we live together?

70 replies

Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 07:51

Would it bother you if you didn't live with your partner 4 years in?
My partner doesn't want to live together, it's tough because my mortgage means I must work weekends to make ends meet but also he doesn't want to share a bank account or mundane things other couples seem to do.
He still considers himself 'single' on forms etc and this upsets me.
Would this bother you?
I suppose I'd like marriage and kids.

OP posts:

EggAndButter · 21/05/2019 09:32

At 33yo, I wanted the family life, children and sharing a life.
At nearly 50yo, it would take a lot for me to want to share a house with someone again, let alone share a life (aka money, house, mortgage etc...).

You are in two very different stages in your life and wanting different things.
Neither if you are unreasonable or right or wrong.
But you are nit compatible in your expectations.

Unfortunately, depiste how much you love him, it’s time to move on and find someone that yu can share your life with. Someone with the same hopes and wishes and expectations.

FWIW, don’t do what a friend of mine did. She spent 10 years with a man older than her. The whole of her 30s. They didn’t share the vision of what their couple life should be. She wanted children, he didn’t. She wanted family life, sharing money, house, etc.. He didn’t. When she was about 40yo, he decided that their life together wasn’t for him and left (and went back to live with his ex wife ).
She lost her opportunity for the life she was dreaming of, one with children. And she deeply resented it.

cakecakecheese · 21/05/2019 09:33

By sweet talking is it a case of saying how great you are together, how much he loves you etc or does he promise you things he hasn't delivered? If he does genuinely love you then of course it will be hard to leave but you have to think of your future.

GaraMedouar · 21/05/2019 09:42

You are at 2 different stages of life. I am 50, single mum, and would love to meet someone who lived separately and saw him maybe once a month!!! But you want a full time partner, husband, children. Make the break otherwise 10 years down the line you will regret it.

notapizzaeater · 21/05/2019 09:49

If you want the family bit then you need to move on, time isn't on your side and you've spent 4 years here.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/05/2019 11:09

He is correct to state "single' on forms as that refers to ones marital status OP, not their relationship status. I think if it bothers you which clearly it does, you need to consider why you're with someone who doesn't want the same things you want- it's a hiding to nowhere surely? You're not unreasonable to want or deserve any of those things, but neither is he to not offer them if he doesn't want either. Sadly in this set up it's you who loses out and feels shit, not him, and that would bother me.

Living together still wouldn't solve the other huge differences you have; and he doesn't want to progress the relationship in that way regardless. If you shared his sentiments but both liked having the other around and it was 'enough' then that's a different story but sorry OP, I would consider ending it. For years is plenty long enough to have spent 'waiting" on somebody who won't be changing.

PaintingOwls · 21/05/2019 11:14

I suppose I'd like marriage and kids.

He says he's too old for kids.

I mean where do you think this is going?

Lweji · 21/05/2019 11:44

Basically, you're Monica, he's Richard, and you need to find your Chandler.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/05/2019 13:35

Lweji wins the thread, spot on.

SleepingStandingUp · 21/05/2019 13:38

In 5 years when it's still like this and your chance of meeting someone else and having babies, will you still love him then?

If he truly loved you, knowing he won't give you what you want, he wouldn't try to keep sweet talking you back.

You're good company, good se. Etc but that's all.

Leave.

MerryMarigold · 21/05/2019 13:43

You're an Fwb at the moment. It's good he's honest at least. If you want more, you need to start again. And don't leave it too late if you want kids. No more messing around.

DBML · 21/05/2019 13:50

You know how you feel right now? Well, that’s never going to change as long as you are with this man.

He’s not a bad person, but he wants something different to you. If you stay with him, you will need to make sacrifices.

Imagine how happy you would feel if you met someone on the same page as you? Someone who proposed, went to view houses with you and couldn’t wait to be a daddy. Shouldn’t you give yourself the opportunity to meet that guy?

All the best op.

dreichuplands · 21/05/2019 13:51

Sometimes the threads on here are complex. This isn't.
You are at different life stages and want different things.
In an ideal world your DP would realize that he cannot give you what you need to feel happy and let you go. But you give him what he needs so he won't.
So you need to leave and stick with it, you aren't going to get what you want from this relationship.

Original poster

Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 13:56

Lweji when you put it like that. I suppose I know deep down.

OP posts:

carly2803 · 21/05/2019 14:03

your so different.

personally, i love my own space and any future relationship would be a miracle if i was to live with them. Nothing wrong having 2 separate houses but being together BUT you need to be on the same page!! He dosent sound like he is and you want the "normal" relationship, move on!

Knackeredmommy · 21/05/2019 14:12

He's not an arse, you just want different things in life.

Knackeredmommy · 21/05/2019 14:12

He's not an arse, you just want different things in life.

MMmomDD · 21/05/2019 14:46

You want different things - which is totally OK.
However - what’s not OK is him sweet-talking you and manipulating you to hang around. So that he gets to live his dream life - no responsibilities, single life - with a young girlfriend. Life that men in mid-life crisis are dreaming about.

Shake yourself and move on!
If you don’t want to spend your fertile years waiting for him to change his mind.
He won’t.
And you’ll only be bitter if you do and end up childless.

HepzibahGreen · 21/05/2019 17:29

No, he is an arse.
I can't have more children. If I took up with a young man (young maaaan) who wanted his own children and enticed him into staying with me, with a view to him ultimately getting a vasectomy so he couldn't reproduce with anyone else later on then I would be an arse.
He would be an idiot but I should know better than to persuade someone to live a life without the things they truly want.
So yes, ditch the arse.
Also...nearly 50!? You are young and nubile! Don't waste it on an auld fella. Go out and shag some hunky 25 year olds while you still can!

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 17:47

Lol how's he an arse, he's been honest from the start. The ops a big girl you know, not some brain washed idiot who can't make decisions. He's been honest, it's her choice if she stays involved with him.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/05/2019 18:04

I suppose I'd like marriage and kids

Then you'll have to look elsewhere, since it won't be with him

There's nothing wrong with the large age gap in itself, but it couldn't be clearer that you've at completely different life stages ... I really would cut my losses with this one I'm afraid

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