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Original poster

Is this ridiculous? should we live together?

70 replies

Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 07:51

Would it bother you if you didn't live with your partner 4 years in?
My partner doesn't want to live together, it's tough because my mortgage means I must work weekends to make ends meet but also he doesn't want to share a bank account or mundane things other couples seem to do.
He still considers himself 'single' on forms etc and this upsets me.
Would this bother you?
I suppose I'd like marriage and kids.

OP posts:
LetsGoMile · 21/05/2019 08:34

You are not compatible. At least he’s been honest with you instead of stringing you along. Leave him and find someone who wants the same things as you. It wouldn’t be fair to try and convince him to have kids with you when he has clearly stated he doesn’t want any. It would end in tears for you.

ShatnersWig · 21/05/2019 08:37

Your update makes it abundantly clear you're totally incompatible and want different things. You've just sort of refused to see it or perhaps you assumed he'd change his mind or perhaps earlier you felt you didn't want children and now you've changed your mind.

End it and move on.

littlemeitslyn · 21/05/2019 08:37

He's an ar*e

cakecakecheese · 21/05/2019 08:51

After 4 years I'd want more but he's been there done that and is happy with things as they are so it doesn't look like you are going to get that with him.

Original poster
Lilfaith · 21/05/2019 08:58

Yes I know that it's not right. Feel like I've put what I want in a box and try to forget about it. We've spoken and he has been honest but then sweet talks me back.

OP posts:
Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 21/05/2019 09:02

He is not stringing you along.

I'd take a good hard look at your life & work to make it change to suit you better.

ShatnersWig · 21/05/2019 09:03

We've spoken and he has been honest but then sweet talks me back

What does that last bit mean? He's been honest. It's up to YOU then. He hasn't sweet talked you at all. You've CHOSEN to carry on. You're 33, not 13.

gamedout · 21/05/2019 09:03

Why would you date an almost 50 year old! If he’s forging ahead and wanting kids/marriage then great but it sounds like he’s on a path to solo retirement!! How boring! Go find somebody your own age who is chomping at the bit to put a ring on your finger and a baby in your belly as that’s what you’ve said you want.

QueenEnid · 21/05/2019 09:04

So sorry @Lilfaith 😞

From my own experience, you can love someone but if they don't want the same big things that you do out of life, then it will only harbour resentment.

I ended a 5 year relationship when it was clear that my ex didn't want to have a family/get married. We had moved in together just several months before and really, we should never have bothered.

Your OH has been honest with you. He doesn't want to live with you and he doesn't want children. He's been there and done it. You're either happy enough with him to accept it, or you should take some time to have a think yourself about what your life priorities are. Once you've done that you'll likely be in a better place and it'll give you the strength to know that you will find someone who wants the same things as you.

It's a long life to be resentful with someone who doesn't want the same things as you. Make yourself happy xx

SallyWD · 21/05/2019 09:06

Sadly it seems that you want different things. If he was like this after 1 year then fair enough, but 4 years is a long time. He's getting the benefits of a relationship (sex, emotional closeness) without making any commitments. Fine if you're happy but if you want marriage and kids then I'd look elsewhere...

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 09:07

I think the pretending he's single and denying your existance would bother me more if I'm honest.

Sounds like he just sees you as a casual thing. I'm sorry.

MrsMozartMkII · 21/05/2019 09:09

Either accept that this is your life, or leave the relationship and find someone who wants the same as you do.

ShatnersWig · 21/05/2019 09:12

@Bluntness Pretending he's single See I think that's a stretch. I know many people who are divorced but if someone asks their status they say "single" rather than "divorced", especially if it's a blank field rather than a tick box.

PompeyBez · 21/05/2019 09:12

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you're at different stages in life and you each see your futures very differently. It doesn't matter how much you love each other, if you're not on the same page, or are unable to come to a compromise that you're both comfortable with, I don't think it will work long term. You're still young enough to be able to achieve your dreams and goals in life, but if he doesn't share them it's probably time for you to move on. He needs to accept that too. If you stay in this situation you may come to resent him in the future.

Bluntness100 · 21/05/2019 09:12

And it's. of ridiculous for him not to want to live with you, or is it ridiculous for him not to want to share a bank account with you and bank roll you.

What's ridiculous is you thinking it might be or that mumsnet would in some way be the decider here.

He's a grown up. Like you. He can't live his life as he pleases. As can you. He's not lied to you. He's not strung you along. He's been clear and honest. Nothing ridiculous about it.

SauvingnonBlanketyBlanc · 21/05/2019 09:12

Yes seems strange tbh.Id say 6 months/year in your naturally be hearing up to living together,ime.

BertrandRussell · 21/05/2019 09:13

It’s the wanting different things that’s important. My mil had a very happy relationship like this for many years after she was widowed- she and her partner did not live together, both had busy lives but saw each other frequently, went on holiday and on outings together, had nice evenings at each other’s houses- neither of them wanted any more. If you want marriage and children you need to move on.

Illberidingshotgun · 21/05/2019 09:13

You want marriage and kids, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. He doesn't want either of those things, absolutely nothing wrong with that either.

However what is wrong is that the two of you are continuing with a relationship, when you both want such different things. it's fine for him, because the longer the relationship continues, the longer he gets what he wants. The opposite is the case for you.

You need to chose. Are you willing to give up your hopes and dreams for the future to be with this man? If not, then you need to leave him and start afresh. There will be plenty of men out there around your age who will be looking to settle down and start a family. If you decide it end it, then do not let him "sweet talk" you back. Ultimately, why should his wishes and needs be so more important than yours??

Supergrassyknoll · 21/05/2019 09:15

I don't think I could ever live with anyone again, however if I met the right person I would re evaluate, it doesn't sound as though this fella is worth any more of your time

LemonTT · 21/05/2019 09:19

I think you want is perfectly normal but so is his want. Like many pp have said in middle age with a marriage behind you, living independently is a preference for many people. Male and female.

He is not lying about being single, for official purposes he is. He is not denying your role in his life. He is not responsible for your decision to stay with him or for showing you how he feels about you. He is not responsible for paying your mortgage. He probably doesn’t have a mortgage.

The issue lies with you. You can leave this relationship if it doesn’t offer you what you want.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 21/05/2019 09:19

Oh mate, he doesn't want the same things as you. I'm nearly 50, if anything happened with me and DH there's no way I'd live with a man again. Neither of you are in the wrong, but if you want a live-in relationship and children, then you have to leave him. It's monstrously unfair, but you are wasting your fertile years on a man that doesn't want children. Sorry to be so blunt - it almost feels sexist to say it out loud - but it's true. He could be the loveliest man alive but you don't want the same things...

hellsbellsmelons · 21/05/2019 09:26

I'm 50 and the last thing I'd want is another marriage and kids.
You want different things.
The one thing that baffles me though, is... how does he sweet-talk you back?
You want to live together and have DC. He doesn't.
So what does his sweet-talk look like?
Just end it. Cut contact.
You will regret not doing what you want with your life if you don't take action now.
33 is young enough to get what you want. But you don't have time to waste any more.
You've wasted 4 years. Stop sabotaging yourself and your future for a man who is no interest in what you want.
Google 'sunk cost fallacy'
Take action today to more forward with YOUR life how you want it!

Minty · 21/05/2019 09:27

OP, you need to start prioritising your own needs, not going along with someone else's. He's been very clear that he doesn't want what you want. That's not going to change. You've got enough time at 33 to meet someone else and have kids. You also deserve to have a relationship with someone who's at the same life stage as you and wants the same things. You could be much happier than this.

ukgift2016 · 21/05/2019 09:30

What did you expect? He likes his life the way it is with you as an companion.

Your move in together when he needs an carer in his older age. Just hold on till then.

Branleuse · 21/05/2019 09:31

i think youre both perfectly reasonable.
If he really doesnt want to live with someone, then hes completely right to not do it.
If you want marriage and kids, hes not the one for you.

It wouldnt particularly be an issue for me, as I dont live with my partner and we have been together 14 years, and my dad and his partner have been together 23 years and never lived together. Its quite normal for me, but its also hardly an unusual desire to want to live with a partner and have companionship and help each other with the finances and day to day living stuff.

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