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Original poster

Acceptable contact with a female friend

84 replies

lifeisarollercoaster11 · 20/05/2019 16:35

Out of interest, what is acceptable to you regarding
Your partner/ husband/ boyfriends contact with his female best friend. What are your limits in terms of what you will accept in your relationship .ta.

OP posts:
SpecterLitt · 20/05/2019 22:36

Have you actually done the most important thing and spoken to him about your concerns and what makes you uncomfortable? Surely that's what you should be doing.

If you really cannot trust him, your relationship will not last and you are better off finding someone with a similar mindset to you.

Original poster
lifeisarollercoaster11 · 20/05/2019 22:42

He thinks I'm being ridiculous .

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 20/05/2019 22:47

How long have you been together?

This sounds like way too much hard work!

happybunny007 · 20/05/2019 22:48

Are you married? Living together?

Original poster
lifeisarollercoaster11 · 20/05/2019 22:50

No! Only together a few months .

OP posts:
Jaimemai · 20/05/2019 22:54

It is an interesting one. Every male friend that I have had personally , even one that I had for many many years, has dropped all contact with me once they got a serious girlfriend /wife. Because the wife was not happy with it. So I know it is very common for women to feel that way. It is a hard line to balance. But also I think your gut instinct tells you something. I have had two very long term boyfriends. One boyfriend had loads of female friends from school, he introduced me to all of them and we all became friends. My second boyfriend had a best female friend, that he never introduced me to, and he told me that his last girlfriend was not comfortable with this friend, because he was always confiding things in the female friend that he should have been telling his girlfriend. When I was with him I also felt very uncomfortable about this friend. She was nearly like his girlfriend. If he is hiding her from you OP it is not good. Would he introduce her to you? Tell him how you feel.

Jaimemai · 20/05/2019 22:56

A few months together? Well I dont think you have been long enough together yet to talk to him about his friends. But as you continue, if you feel uncomfortable - talk about it

Original poster
lifeisarollercoaster11 · 20/05/2019 22:59

I haven't met her

OP posts:
Alarae · 20/05/2019 23:03

He can do whatever he likes as long as it's not more than a hug. I trust him completely and have no insecurities about him having female friends.

dontgobaconmyheart · 21/05/2019 00:02

I think you are getting a bit of a hard time to be honest OP. All the people mimicking your typing in my opinion, are behaving fairly rudely. Not sure what the need is to be that way, I am sure we have all been upset before and not adhered to the exact mumsnet typing format required to identify you as 'proper' enough to bother with.

There is no bar as to what is or is not acceptable at the end of the day OP, you don't get to decide what he does or doesn't do with a friend. However, the nature of their relationship obviously worries you and it does sound excessive; I fail to see this would not at least bother most people if the DP in question were theirs. It sounds like some sort of work crush.

If he was adamant it was friendship only then i would invite her over, get to know her etc; if he didn't want to do this then there must be a reason for that. If it's making you feel like this is he worth it? I would speak to him in a respectful non accusatory way, set my jealousy aside, and ask why he talks to her so often and explain that the amount of time he spends doing so coupled with the endless compliments about her make you feel insecure, so could he dial them down, and if not, why not- you can be friends with someone without singing their praises 24/7 and texting them love hearts- it is that that makes it seem like he has a crush.

Are you a jealous person generally OP? Is it possible it seems exaggerated to you because you are so on edge and are looking for it so every little thing becomes evidence? If not then i would go with your gut and consider leaving. There are plenty of romantic partners who don't behave this way.

ChocoholicsAsylum · 21/05/2019 00:58

No don't think I'd be too pleased at this either tbh...

Lichtie · 21/05/2019 01:12

Can't imagine why he would be secretive with his phone. Its not like he's with some controlling stalker who would read his messages.... 😉

dragonflyflew · 21/05/2019 01:23

I agree with dontgobaconmyheart people are being mean to you on this thread.
This doesn’t sound like an innocuous friendship with a woman. Sounds like he’s having his cake and eating it.
People are so scared of appearing to be uncool that they’ll put up with any amount of gaslighting because they don’t want to be the ‘jealous and controlling wife or girlfriend’

Original poster
lifeisarollercoaster11 · 21/05/2019 01:51

Thanks , on the majority of threads that I've ever read on mn, there are nasty posters . It's part of on line forums, you could say . I am glad to say that I still think it's worth asking for advice or looking for support , as the kind and genuine massively outweigh the trolls . Says everything about them ..so I never take it personally, thanks.

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 21/05/2019 03:32

His connection with her sounds intense and obsessive. If this is how he chooses to channel his emotional energy, time and attention, is it worth hanging around for his crumbs?

category12 · 21/05/2019 05:44

You've only been together a few months and you feel like she's overshadowing things.

Cut your losses. This should be the lovely loved up stage, not the checking phones and "you're being ridiculous" stage. If you don't trust him and you're twisting yourself up in knots about this "friend", don't stubbornly hang on, just end things.

Mymessymind · 21/05/2019 05:50

Have you posted about this before? This isn’t the only issue with this guy is it.

IronManisnotDead · 21/05/2019 06:21

Grow up your jealous and that is what it boils down too.

PracticallySpeaking · 21/05/2019 08:00

Hell no, I wouldn’t be okay with my husband being secretive with his phone, sending another woman kisses, telling her he loved her, texting all evening and running off to the bathroom to talk to her yet ignoring me. And I’m 100% sure my husband wouldn’t be okay with it if the situation was reversed.

You guys aren’t married but it’s still a major warning sign

Lichtie · 21/05/2019 08:45

How is he being secretive with his phone, OP seems to see enough. He doesn't run to the toilet to have secret chats, he just checks his phone when OP goes. I often put my phone off or on flight mode when I'm with someone and would rather not be disturbed.

SandyY2K · 21/05/2019 08:53

When you first said declarations of love... I thought that's not good... but when you later described the context... where he said ..I'm going be honest..I love you...it didn't sound so bad.

Having said that (and I know it's great to get opinions from others), but if it makes you feel uncomfortable, then consider if it's the relationship for you, before you invest months and years in it.

I don't see the need for heart emojis...but some people use them without a lot of meaning attached.

Original poster
lifeisarollercoaster11 · 21/05/2019 09:43

Thanks for your replies. Yes I am
Jealous . I don't feel he has as much interest in me as he does in her and from what I can see it is him doing the instigating . It's like he is besotted now r has her on a pedestal. Maybe that isn't so bad. Maybe it's just a personal pedestal rather than being attracted to her so much? He kindly comments on whether she looks well on a given day , not sleazily but rather, you look great/ healthy / etc.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 21/05/2019 09:49

I dont know, cos I dont think I could actually cope with a relationship with a man with a female best friend. I dont mind low key female friends, and I expect him to treat women well and normally, but a best friend is something else. Its intimate, and I think most platonic friendships are destined to fail. I truly believe that most men cant do them. I believe this due to my experience of having to be so damn careful all the time with men and them always getting mixed messages from simple friendliness, or it turning out they just wanted to get into my pants.
Therefore if a man had a female best friend, then the relationship for me, wouldnt even get off the ground, or if it developed later, id see it as a red flag, and I have no interest in a relationship where I felt competitive

Jaimemai · 21/05/2019 10:41

To give you some perspective. I have two good male friends. I have a male friend that I have no feelings for. We text each other every day but we never say I love you. I have another male friend who I am attracted to and to be honest have feelings for him. However I respect that he is in a relationship and we are just friends. However we do say to each other , I love you.

livefornaps · 21/05/2019 10:55

You've been together a few months....and you're this twisted, bitter and jealous??

If I were him, I would run away.

This is going to eat you up, OP and I get the feeling that if it wasn't this woman, you'd be fixAting on some other imagined slight and making yourself miserable.

Life doesn't have to be this hard!

Do you really want to be this bitter, snipey person? No? Well then, walk away! Do things that make you happy. Then maybe, MAYBE you'll meet someone else and the both of you could make each other happy.

You've locked yourself in to this, I think, primarily because you feel you "should" have a boyfriend at this stage of your life. It's not true.

Get yourself some other interests and passions other than watching a green dot next to someone's name flick on and off.

It's not going to get any better than the early "honeymoon" period. This is it. This is your "honeymoon". And you're fucking miserable.

Don't waste your life.

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