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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have no where else to turn

68 replies

Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 10:04

I was with someone for 7 months, our relationship was solid he built a great bond with my daughter. It was so nice to see. We had our ups and downs as everyone does but nothing major. Up until a month ago I was having a shit time and he got the runt of it. This led to him not knowing what he wanted and after loads of drama he ended it. Then kept saying he needed space timing wasn’t right etc.
Now he’s told my friend he does love me but can’t be with me after everything and it’s not his fault bla bla.
She told him out of respect he should tell me instead of leaving me hanging and he still hasn’t bothered to tell me.

OP posts:
hammeringinmyhead · 19/05/2019 10:12

I don't understand. If he can't or doesn't want to be with you what does saying "I love you but don't want a relationship with you" achieve?
Or do you mean he is still leaving you hanging saying he needs space while telling others it's definitely over? If so he is just being a coward.

hammeringinmyhead · 19/05/2019 10:13

Sorry, I see you said you were left hanging. I think he's told your friend so she can be th messenger!

ELW85 · 19/05/2019 10:14

To be honest, 7 months is still relatively early days.
It just sounds like he realised you were incompatible when you were going through your tough time (and as you said, he bore the brunt).

category12 · 19/05/2019 10:16

Seven months is a very short time in which to have ups and downs and so much drama he ended things. (Also very short time frame in which to have introduced him to your dd let alone let them develop a bond.) It shouldn't be this hard.

Anyway he's ended it and you need to move on, not hang onto the self-serving drivel you hear secondhand.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 10:21

When I say ups and downs I mean prob about 3 arguments in 7 month nothing major.
Then I went through a rubbish week so I wasn’t the best and he got the runt of it. This made him decide to take a step back as his family members very ill. He told me he didn’t know what he wanted and ignored me for a week then I had to nag him to say it was over then even then he kept changing saying he doesn’t know what he wants, who knows what could happen in a few weeks or months etc. The last conversation I had with him I said I’d take him off social media and he said he still had my number. Then he said it was probs best anyway until his heads straight as he’s got a lot going on.
Then he’s told my friend he wants to be friends and it’s not his fault he can’t be with me and that he does love me but he can’t be with me because of everything. To which she made a full blown point she wouldn’t be telling me and out of respect he should tell me. It’s like he tells me one thing then other people differently. I haven’t made any contact with him since this was 6 days ago

OP posts:
ELW85 · 19/05/2019 10:34

Sorry that’s he’s not being straight with you, OP.
It just sounds like he’s taking the ‘anything for an easy life’ approach and trying to crest distance so that you’ll do the breaking up and he gets to avoid confrontation/an awkward conversation.

If it was me, I’d cut all ties and keep my dignity. You don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t know what they want, or can’t handle grown-up conversations and scenarios.

Basically, tell that boy: ‘bye!’

ELW85 · 19/05/2019 10:37

*create distance

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 10:41

I just wish he could of been honest with me. It just feels like he strings me on with hope then tells other people otherwise.
I just feel like as soon as life gets tough, he runs away. He doesn’t face up to the problems. He’s a very sensitive person also.
I just have very fond memories of him so letting go is the hardest part. I haven’t text in 6 days which is good for me I normally last a few days max

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 19/05/2019 11:02

Jeez, MN always assumes men are duplicitous bastards.

So you had a bad week and took it out on him, then his family member was very ill. Perhaps he really does have too much to deal with and a not-altogether-supportive seven-month relationship is further down the list than his family member, especially as he's very sensitive.

I think you should assume you've split up and get on with your life. Maybe a little casual sympathy wouldn't go amiss if he ever gets in touch again.

babba2014 · 19/05/2019 11:04

7 months in and 3 major arguments is a lot. Someone in his family is ill. I can imagine why he can't take it. When someone in the family is ill it is hard to see what the next day will be like and I'm sure he doesn't have time for being on the end of someones bad week. Then with you asking him again and again, he probably can't take it.
If he's a good guy it may still be salvageable but that will take for you to tell him properly that you are sorry and you will try to change how your anger or stress afflicts other people. I don't think you are seeing it properly from his side at all.

ELW85 · 19/05/2019 11:09

He’s not duplicitous, he’s incapable of having a direct conversation, which, if you’re breaking up with someone, irrelevant of the catalyst, you should be able to do in an adult relationship.

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 11:11

He ended it. You said so yourself. You're trying to hold onto something that's gone. And yes, stop texting, stop thinking about him, stop chasing. If he wants to come back he will, but certainly not if you're on his case all the time.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 11:18

I understand everyone’s opinions. And I have complete sympathy with him. But as he’s very closed off he didn’t open up about this until it was too late. After the break we met up and had a heart to heart he broke down a lot, I’ve never seen a man cry like that. I kept telling him to concentrate on himself and his family. To then which he was saying it’s hard because he loves me so much, but the timing was wrong and he wishes he addressed the problems sooner so it wouldn’t of come to what it had. But then he switched off again. With him he has had a very past so he finds it hard to open up to people as he expects disappointment so he switches off quite easily. He knows I’m concerned and I always asked about his family member and always deeply apologised. A few days after that meet up he came to get his stuff in that conversation he told me stuff hadn’t quite sunk in yet but he wanted to be friends, I didn’t think this was a good idea. But as he hasn’t opened up to anyone else I wanted to support him through a difficult time in his life. Then when he got home he told me he wanted space for things to sink in etc which I agreed to give him. Then a few days later I said it would be best for us to take each other off social media which he replied it was up to me and he still had my number anyway. In the end we both agreed we would and he said he will just take me off for abit until his heads straight. I didn’t contact him after that and that was 6 days ago. But on Thursday my friend thought he was a coward because he doesn’t give no straight answers to me to which he told her he did want to be friends. It’s not his fault he couldn’t be with me after everything and that he loved me but couldn’t be back with me. All she said is that he should tell me that himself and she wouldn’t be the one to do it. After this she blocked him as I found out she messaged and I said it wouldn’t help situations so she did block him. I understand he’s having a hard time but he runs away from his problems a lot and shuts people out. He hasn’t even told his friends his family member is going to die in a few month and he’s with them all the time.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 19/05/2019 11:26

his family member is going to die in a few month and he’s with them all the time

Hardly surprising, then, that he's thinking of his family member first and last. He hasn't handled this well but he's got a lot to think about. I certainly wouldn't have been able to deal with a new and volatile relationship while my mother was dying.

Your friend needs to stay out of it.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 11:29

I just wish he’d open up to someone even just his friends? I worry that when they pass it’s all going to hit him as he keeps running away from it.

OP posts:
ThatLibraryMiss · 19/05/2019 11:41

When that happens and if he turns to you, you have to decide whether you want nothing to do with him because that ship has sailed, want to be a supportive friend or want to resume your relationship. Until then it's not your problem and you should get on with your life, assuming he won't be part of it.

Lefty1 · 19/05/2019 11:45

Leave him to it and focus on you. You are giving him way too much head space Flowers , his problems aren’t yours anymore , stop worrying about how he deals with him/ if he runs away from them. Seriously do you think he is worrying about you in the same way? No he won’t be. Crack on OP x

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 12:18

If anything these posts have made me feel selfish and like I’ve been a bad person and now I feel like I need to reach out and apologise at some point

OP posts:
ELW85 · 19/05/2019 12:49

If I’m being honest OP, it sounds like you’re looking for reasons to be in touch.
If he doesn’t want to be with you, the least selfish thing you can do is to not contact him, as that’s what he wants.
Sorry to be so direct!

Singlenotsingle · 19/05/2019 13:12

We're all telling you to cut contact and let him go. You seem to think we're saying you're selfish, you're a bad person and you need to apologise. WTF!? No! You're obsessed with this man. Let him go!

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 13:29

I didn’t know it was been obsessed with someone to care about there welfare ?
If I was obsessed I wouldn’t of chosen to cut all contact and social media? And I also would of contacted him in the past week if I was so ‘obsessed’

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Lefty1 · 19/05/2019 14:00

Op we are not having a go at you we are trying to help you see the situation for what it is . If he really cared for you then this wouldn’t be happening right now . What would you tell your daughter if she was faced with this situation? You are worth more than this . Chin up and don’t let him have the satisfaction of you begging for him back x

NoBaggyPants · 19/05/2019 14:07

Unfortunately he has decided the relationship is over.

You've no need at all to get in touch with him.

Time to move on. Be kind to yourself.

NoBaggyPants · 19/05/2019 14:11

Is your concern that you are pregnant? Did he know you'd come off the pill?

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 14:14

Thanks everybody.
No I don’t think I’m pregnant, I think it was a evaporation line. And yes he knew I’d come off the pill, as we split we didn’t plan on sleeping together it just happened. But yes he knows but I’m positive I’m not pregnant any how. I was just curious as when I should get my first period.

OP posts:
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