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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have no where else to turn

68 replies

Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 10:04

I was with someone for 7 months, our relationship was solid he built a great bond with my daughter. It was so nice to see. We had our ups and downs as everyone does but nothing major. Up until a month ago I was having a shit time and he got the runt of it. This led to him not knowing what he wanted and after loads of drama he ended it. Then kept saying he needed space timing wasn’t right etc.
Now he’s told my friend he does love me but can’t be with me after everything and it’s not his fault bla bla.
She told him out of respect he should tell me instead of leaving me hanging and he still hasn’t bothered to tell me.

OP posts:
NoBaggyPants · 19/05/2019 14:20

That's good to hear.

Take some time to look after yourself.

If you're tempted to ring him, step away and distract yourself. You'll get through it.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 14:25

Thanks baggy pants. I’ve not contacted him in the last 6 days which is good for me as I usually cave after a few days but I’ve left it. X

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 14:35

Just wish I’d of got closure but not everyone gives that

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 19/05/2019 14:44

Someone said something on another thread and it stuck , grant closure to yourself , you’re the only person in charge of your mental state, set yourself free .

DianaT1969 · 19/05/2019 14:45

You did get closure OP. He finished it. You have to accept that. It doesn't matter what he said when put under pressure by your friend. Let him go and next time, take it much slower a d be less invested. 7 months really isn't long enough for bonding with your daughter, 3 major arguments and giving him the brunt of your stress because you didn't like how your week was going. Remember that your next boyfriend is a separate individual with his own concerns.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 14:58

After he finished it he said he was thinking of getting back with me and wanted to meet up in a few week and then went to say he didn’t know what he wanted and then to say who knows what could happen in a few weeks.
So basically he didn’t give me closure because that was after he ended it.
Ps if everyone reads I said we didn’t have 3 major arguments I said we had 3 SMALL arguments that was solved within a matter of minutes. Lol

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 16:16

And to clarify I haven’t contacted him. I was just looking for opinions etc that’s all

OP posts:
molnidian · 19/05/2019 17:14

"after loads of drama he ended it"
Op you are not supposed to have loads of drama in the space of 7 months into seeing someone. This is a big red flag. I understand you must be hurting but from your posts it's obviously he is just not that into you. If he was he would have contacted you by now. Please don't try and convince yourself otherwise. Yes it is painful but you need to step away and move on

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 17:51

I meant he made loads of drama because he was messing me around for 2 weeks. And yes fair enough I last saw him Monday and we slept together so that didn’t help the situation but it is what it is

OP posts:
ISpeakJive · 19/05/2019 17:56

I know this is the old cliche butsre you sure there’s no one else?
He really does sound like he’s keeping his options open....

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 18:16

Hi,
Thought of that but he’s not like that at all. He’s very insecure with a very bad past always been cheated on or been seeing people who’s then gone off with his mates etc. So he was very insecure towards me, I never gave him any reason to be though. But he used to always say you’ll never leave me will you and I’d say no and then he’d make me promise so it’s abit ironic. I genuinely just think he’s having a hard time and got a lot on his mind. I will be fine I’m sure. The first few weeks are always the rough ones x

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 18:16

Just taking each day as it comes and I’m sure he will get through this difficult time and find someone he deserves as he’s a really lovely man x

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 19/05/2019 19:12

I think you’ll be ok, OP. To be honest, what he said to your friend may not be a full reflection of what he feels all the time - people in volatile and stressful situations change their minds loads! Maybe after a while he will feel differently, and possibly want to give it a go again. But there is nothing you can do now to effect his decision on that either way. So you may as well put it out of your mind for now. Look after yourself, arrange to see friends, do some stuff to cheer yourself up. And then, if he does come back in a few months time, you can decide whether or not you want to give it another try. And if he doesn’t, hopefully by then you won’t care!

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 19:17

Hi,
Thank you for your reply that’s very true. I guess men deal with stuff completely different to woman, he doesn’t speak to his friends about our break up or the illness or the family member etc. Instead he just throws himself into work, gym, seeing friends and keeping busy. I guess some people find it easier to run away from things. I am just glad that I’ve made no contact because it wasn’t helping anything. He genuinely just needs to focus on the bigger issues in his life now clearly x

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 19:19

This is longest we haven’t been in contact for.
The longest we’ve cut contact for is 3 days and spoke again.
This time round on day 6 and I haven’t caved x

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 19/05/2019 19:41

You are doing really well - stick with it! It will get easier with time. And as I said, possibly he will get back in touch at some point. But the key thing is, you know that you contacting him wouldn’t help anything, there is nothing you can say at this point to change how he is feeling, so you just need to let it settle with him. Also (and this is a big sexist generalisation, but I’m gonna say it), I think what can feel like a long time to us as women often just doesn’t feel the same to men. He may not even be aware of the length of time you haven’t been in contact. Which doesn’t necessarily mean he has no feelings for you (I’m sure he does, in one form or another). But I think men just process these things differently, quite often.

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 19:52

I completely agree with you on that. I think woman dwell than men too. Men like to keep busy and put a front on.
I believe what will be will be.
Although I genuinely don’t think he will contact me in future for some reason, but what do I know x

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 19/05/2019 19:55

I know how hard it is! But you don’t know for sure he won’t contact you, as you say. All you DO know, is that to look after yourself and your own peace of mind, you need to step away from the situation for now.
One thing that can help is to have a friend who you text instead, whenever you get the urge to text him? You could even send them the messages you would like to send him, if they don’t mind......

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 20:18

If I’m honest I haven’t had the urge as yet sometimes it’s hard but I only want to know if he’s ok. But I’m doing fine at holding myself back as for now! X I don’t know why but something is stopping me x

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Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 20:19

Just think we never had the cool off period if that sort of makes sense, so this is it. It’s just putting different things in to perspective and I genuinely think it’s best to not text so that’s why I haven’t had the urge. When it does cross my mind it’s only one to ask if he’s ok but I’ve not caved and I need to stick to no contact x

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 19/05/2019 20:46

Just think we never had the cool off period if that sort of makes sense, so this is it. It’s just putting different things in to perspective and I genuinely think it’s best to not text so that’s why I haven’t had the urge. When it does cross my mind it’s only one to ask if he’s ok but I’ve not caved and I need to stick to no contact x

OP posts:
Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 20/05/2019 14:47

Day 7 no contact and it seems to be getting harder.

OP posts:
tinyvulture · 20/05/2019 16:22

Keep going! It’s hard, but you are doing so well. Is there anything you can do to distract yourself?

Original poster
Unlucky2015 · 20/05/2019 17:35

Hi,
I’ve managed to keep my mind focused till now. I will be busy now until bed time now bathing little one and getting sorted for bed etc. The day is nearly over. I am just glad I didn’t cave?

OP posts:
Lefty1 · 20/05/2019 19:58

Well done OP, keep it up , you will have good and bad days , it’s normal . There’s a no contact thread somewhere on here too, may be useful joining that , although haven’t seen it for a while . Maybe resurrect it or start one to help others too? X