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Original poster

Can't stop being envious of ex wife

71 replies

Triste1992 · 18/05/2019 23:26

Please help!
I have a jealousy problem with regards to my husband's ex. Not because I'm afraid that he still loves her. But because I'm envious, so the smallest thing he does what I consider "for her", makes me mad. And being a person who cannot bite my tongue, it always ends up with an argument.
My husband and his ex wife have a very good relationship. They have a daughter together and when he picks up and brings his daughter (he's the only one who does it), they talk. If her new boyfriend is there, they can have a beer and talk all together. They buy each other gifts for birthdays and mother/father day. She even called him to congratulate him with our toddler's birthday apologizing that she forgot the exact birthdate (in my mind: as if she thinks she's so important to him, hasn't seen him in months and obviously has no reason to care, just her way of showing her friendship to my husband).

Well, I grew up with a father who left my mom, lived in another country and didn't send money. I loved him, but that's how it was. It was always my mom who took care of me and my sister.
And I have an ex who also abandoned our daughter, so I do everything for her myself. That's the normal thing for me.

So when the ex wife asks my husband to go bring her son from previous relationship to a doctor (we live 40 min away) because she's at work and he goes "because he cares about her son", it makes me mad. Because according to me, he's helping her, not her son.
When she tells him that she doesn't have time to buy their daughter shoes (I buy things not only for my children, but even for my husband and even his daughter), I think that she's using him. What makes her think that with grown up kids (18 and 13) she's more busy than my husband who has a toddler and works as a freelance and deals with renovations. He's not the shopping type anyway and she knows it. She's a dental assistant, not some executive.

When it's time to register their daughter to school, he's the one who fills up all the papers. I always did that for my son from previous relationship myself.

So when I make comments about that, it degenerates into a fight which finishes with him telling me that he feels good helping her because she's a nice person and deserves it. Which makes me feel even more mad, because in my life, I always do everything myself. I can not go to my ex and socialise with him and ask him to shop for our son. And he obviously knows that I"m envious and tells me that he loses respect, which makes me feel even more shitty.

I tried reading articles about envy, I tried gratitude. It works a bit, but not permanently. It's the main problem I have with my husband other than the small issues every couple has...

Anybody else in this situation? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:
teachermam · 18/05/2019 23:31

You need to stop being like this

You knew he had baggage coming into relationship

He gets on with ex
Isn't that more positive then drama

This your issue

You will drive him away

MenstruatorExtraordinaire · 18/05/2019 23:34

He will get sick of you. Stop it. All the things he does show he's a nice guy don't throw away a good relationship.

Champagnetaste · 18/05/2019 23:37

I think your insecure and need to try to deal with the insecurities, they may (probably) stem from you dad leaving. But if you don’t deal with them it’s going to cause major issues and possibly you’ll be an ex too

VanillaCoconutDove · 18/05/2019 23:38

Do you want to live in a world where everyone’s as bitter, envious and vindictive as you?

lifebegins50 · 18/05/2019 23:40

You are being triggered due to your childhood. I think it is amazing he helps out as they are his children.. even the one who isn't his biologically.

You will drive him away unless you heal your wounds.
Can you wrote out your feelings instead of venting to him?
A good approach is " I am feeling envy because I need xyz" identify your need and that will help you heal.

Why did they separate?

Lucked · 18/05/2019 23:41

You don’t want to be with a man like your dad or your ex though do you? Your ‘normal’ is horrible and broken. He sounds like a considerate and kind man and your behaviour may drive a wedge in your relationship.

This is so important I think you need to tackle it. Please consider counselling.

Kaleela · 18/05/2019 23:43

This reply has been deleted

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Singlenotsingle · 18/05/2019 23:43

Why shouldn't he buy shoes for his DD? Take her to the doctor? And why shouldn't he fill in forms? The dd is a joint responsibility. It's a shame your Ex won't do the same, but there we go.

You're obsessive over this, and you need to know when to keep your mouth shut quiet.

VanillaCoconutDove · 18/05/2019 23:44

Is a considerate and present partner to you and your family unit?

Paddy1234 · 18/05/2019 23:45

At least you recognise that you have a problem and need to deal with it.
By the sounds of it you have a good husband, you have to deal with your envy as without any doubt in the future you will most certainly drive him away.

rvby · 18/05/2019 23:45

Hes being a good parent and a decent person.

You're grieving your father and your ex not treating you decently. You're literally taking out your childhood and early adulthood traumas on the man who has come into your life as a force for good. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face!

You desperately need counselling to deal with your childhood. You're letting your dad's shit, horrible, immoral behaviour rule your life as an adult. Dont give him that power!

Oswin · 18/05/2019 23:47

Why shouldn't he do these things. He is as much as responsible as her mother.
He is a parent to his older child as much as he is to your toddler.

Sounds like you have experienced so much shitty men you expected him to not bother with his child and you would have him all to yourself.

pikapikachu · 18/05/2019 23:54

I hope that this is a reverse from the ex.

Just because your Dad and ex abandoned their kids it doesn't mean that all men do this. Your partner is being a good Dad by doing drudgery like filling in forms- good! He is acting the way all parents who split up ideally should behave. Parents don't stop needing help just because the kids are older btw.

WashingMachineMa · 18/05/2019 23:54

Could you initiate some sort of friendship with her? Invite her out for a coffee? Invite her and her boyfriend around to yours for a bee?

curiousierandcouriser · 18/05/2019 23:55

Yes YABU - it is so much better for the children when ex-partners get along this way. I wish my parents could have been friendly like this after their divorce.

I would go to counseling to get some help with this issue of your's - at the very least it would show your DH that you are trying and you are taking onboard some of the concerns.

Tatapie · 18/05/2019 23:56

Gosh I think you're all being very harsh on OP. Yes he needs to parent his DD and support his ex but she doesn't need to take the proverbial and he doesn't need to be at her beck and call without discussion with his WIFE.
I hope he can compromise a bit to give you the space and time to be secure and build a harmonious family life OP.

RiversDisguise · 18/05/2019 23:58

Reads like a reverse

Dippypippy1980 · 18/05/2019 23:59

Your husband sounds great - you not so much.

Why on earth shouldn’t he register his child for school and contribute to parenting duties.

You sound very bitter and resentful - you need to have a stern word with yourself.

AnyFucker · 19/05/2019 00:02

Op...you just live and breathe sexism don't you ?

It must suck to be in competition with women all the live long day

pikapikachu · 19/05/2019 00:05

Tatapie- OP is basically saying that she loved her Dad who was a deadbeat therefore his dd will still love him if he does nothing.

OP should be proud that her h is pulling his weight and co-parenting successfully.

frazzledasarock · 19/05/2019 00:08

Ex SIL is like this. She’d rant and rave if anyone had even a tiny bit more than she had in life. She was a truly horrific woman.

Her attitude only served to make her very very unhappy as she was always feeling hard done by because according to her everyone had it far better than her.

OP you’ve got yourself a kind man by the sounds of things, who’s a decent human being and a loving dad.

You’re going to drive him away if you don’t get a grip on your jealousy.

Don’t make him choose between his child and you.

Jaxhog · 19/05/2019 00:11

It is actually a bit selfish to expect his undivided attention. Take a deep breath and remember he is with YOU now. It's actually a good thing that they are on good terms, not least for their child. This reflects well on him as person, especially compared to your Dad. Remember that.

Ali1262 · 19/05/2019 00:18

I don't often post but after reading your post, I just wanted to say, you would definitely benefit from some form of counselling. As children we form our views of what normal relationship is, be it between adults or parental relationships are. The relationship you experienced with your dad has undoubtedly skewed your view of what a healthy relationship is this has been reinforced with your ex who also has no part in your dc life. Also that it is normal for a dad to be involved in his child's life. One other thing I could be way off the mark but could the envy stem more from the fact that she has the help that you and your dm never had? It's true that how you deal with the situation with your dp needs to change it you could drive him away, but it's good first step that you recognise that this is an issue and want to change it.

Allhailthesun · 19/05/2019 00:18

I get it. It’s irrational but it is bloody annoying.

Possibly the best way to overcome it is to be friends with her. Make an excuse and do coffee and cake or shots or whatever. Do the relationship with the ex on your terms not his.

Original poster
Triste1992 · 19/05/2019 01:37

I appreciate those who had compassionate advice...

I tried to be on good terms with the ex wife, because of course I believe in good relationship between exes and she's nice to everybody except with me. And of course, I help him coparent his daughter along with mine. Whether it's cooking for her, reading a book before going to sleep when she was younger, buying her something she needs in our home, etc.
The first time I met the ex wife (because as I mentioned my husband is the one who always picks up and brings back his DD), was 2 years into our relationship. She decided to start visiting her DD in the middle of the week she was with us. Well, other than a cold hello, she was pretty much ignoring me in our house, happily chatting with DH (even asking him if he likes her new haircut). Once she complained to DH that I don't take care of her DD (for a stupidity) calling me "the woman who lives with you", but of course, for DH who thinks she's a nice woman there was nothing wrong with that.

My DH is a decent father, but a very ordinary stepfather to my daughter who doesn't have a father. I basically take care of her myself, he only started helping me bringing her to school after I had a baby.

While he got himself available to bring ex wife's son to a doctor (again we live 40 min away from them), She has a boyfriend too, but it's not him to brings her son to a doc. I didn't get personal time with our baby for a year and rarely ever now. He usually needs me to be present to do anything with our toddler.

So yes, he's a good ex. And I'm a bitch for complaining. It's my fucking fault, I just should have chosen better partners.

OP posts:
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