Can't stop being envious of ex wife

[Triste1992]

Please help!
I have a jealousy problem with regards to my husband's ex. Not because I'm afraid that he still loves her. But because I'm envious, so the smallest thing he does what I consider "for her", makes me mad. And being a person who cannot bite my tongue, it always ends up with an argument.
My husband and his ex wife have a very good relationship. They have a daughter together and when he picks up and brings his daughter (he's the only one who does it), they talk. If her new boyfriend is there, they can have a beer and talk all together. They buy each other gifts for birthdays and mother/father day. She even called him to congratulate him with our toddler's birthday apologizing that she forgot the exact birthdate (in my mind: as if she thinks she's so important to him, hasn't seen him in months and obviously has no reason to care, just her way of showing her friendship to my husband).

Well, I grew up with a father who left my mom, lived in another country and didn't send money. I loved him, but that's how it was. It was always my mom who took care of me and my sister.
And I have an ex who also abandoned our daughter, so I do everything for her myself. That's the normal thing for me.

So when the ex wife asks my husband to go bring her son from previous relationship to a doctor (we live 40 min away) because she's at work and he goes "because he cares about her son", it makes me mad. Because according to me, he's helping her, not her son.
When she tells him that she doesn't have time to buy their daughter shoes (I buy things not only for my children, but even for my husband and even his daughter), I think that she's using him. What makes her think that with grown up kids (18 and 13) she's more busy than my husband who has a toddler and works as a freelance and deals with renovations. He's not the shopping type anyway and she knows it. She's a dental assistant, not some executive.

When it's time to register their daughter to school, he's the one who fills up all the papers. I always did that for my son from previous relationship myself.

So when I make comments about that, it degenerates into a fight which finishes with him telling me that he feels good helping her because she's a nice person and deserves it. Which makes me feel even more mad, because in my life, I always do everything myself. I can not go to my ex and socialise with him and ask him to shop for our son. And he obviously knows that I"m envious and tells me that he loses respect, which makes me feel even more shitty.

I tried reading articles about envy, I tried gratitude. It works a bit, but not permanently. It's the main problem I have with my husband other than the small issues every couple has...

Anybody else in this situation? How do you deal with it?

Fuck, I'd do it for a neighbour's kid if the alternative was missing an important medical appointment and I'm not even that nice.

Jesus OP.

He is a good man.

My ExDP came over this weekend, because our DD had an accident, and I don’t drive, I have a toddler (who’s not his) so of course he came over and took our DD to Minor Injuries. He also stopped by the supermarket on the way back to pick up some stuff I needed as I wouldn’t be able to get out and about now with DD being injured.

Him and his DW were in the middle of decorating when I called. She answered the phone and put me on speaker. As soon as I explained what had happened she said “Go, go, the car keys are on the sideboard.”

Days when I’ve been stuck in the lab, unable to leave and I’ve had an emergency with either of my DC, BOTH of them have given me a hand.

It works both ways too - as I’m a student and have a long summer, I’ve had their child on days they can’t cover.

I’m aware it’s probably rare and will be seen as a bit strange, but a bit of give and take makes life easier for all the DC involved.

There's two things going on here.
Firstly, Ali1262 said "could the envy stem more from the fact that she has the help that you and your dm never had?" and I agree with that. I recognise this because I was also left to fend for myself in life as a teen and then to raise kids alone. I became strong and independent and I see in myself (though I keep it under firm control) the slight tendency to look down on women who can't seem to cope with life and motherhood. Because why should they get all that help when I had nothing? So I think that is one side of things here and you need to deal with that or you will drive him away.

But the second thing here is that it is good that he is helping his kid and ex-stepkid and being civil and decent to his ex. But there is a difference between that and prioritising his ex"s needs over his current wife's (and step child's) needs. Being a good dad to those kids is different to running around after his ex to help her.

So, I think you need to separate out your own issue of resentment /hurt and deal with that through counselling.

But there is also a real issue here as your ex is crossing the line - he is running around for his ex and investing in her, not just the kids, while not prioritising you and your older daughter. And he needs to recognise that and put the balance back where it should be.
And, absolutely he should not have let his ex refer to you in those terms and be rude to you in your own house. He should have called her on that and not been so spineless.
HTH

You sound very bitter and very sad, please get some counselling. He is a good man and you will (and probably already are) driving him away.

There are threads on here all about shitty arseholes who don't do enough for their children, fight with and try to control their ex's and cause so much hurt....do you really wish you were with one of those?

His first family is coming, well... first.
You've got a man who is feeling guilt for not being a part of his first family. And you've got his ex-wife who is aware that she can ask anything of him because he 'owes' her. He failed to be there for them as a family, so there's this permanent sense of IOU. I am totally not calling him a failure but I think this is how his ex is maximising on the situation and how he is making peace with the failure of his first marriage- by being a doormat and dancing to her jig.

It's all nice, having beers with the boyfriend, being the hands-on dad to his kids in a way he probably wasn't when he was living with them, buying presents and being supportive. It is good. It is nice. But it's not genuine. It's all based on guilt. It would all be more meaningful if you too were included in the equation, 'the circle of trust', but you're not. You're on the outside looking in, which says it all. It's not a genuinely loving, loyal, functioning friendship with the ex. If it were, you'd be part of it too.

They haven't let each other go, not because they are still in love, not at all, but because he feels guilt (he was probably a lazy co-parent and that gets old) and she is controlling. In a weird, passive way, she's making him pay his dues. She has him where she wants him. His guilt gives his ex wife the green light to ask anything and everythin of him. She can make her demands, in as nice a way as possible, and get the result she wants.

And then we come to you, the new wife. You've come along and given this woman's ex husband a whole new family. There's going to be a lot of hidden resentment on the ex wife's part there. Her ex husband has moved on. He has a family. And in some ways, I think she is thwarting his ability to totally commit to you and move on and enjoy his new family. His loyalty to his ex wife and his friendship with her ('for the sake of the kids') ties him to his ex in ways which leave you with the leftovers. You're getting the spare parts while the ex-wife is getting the best of him, the loyalty, the best behaviour, the guaranteed promises. None of this is by accident and all of it is engineered.

I'm all for exes getting along, believe me. Better to get along than to be in conflict. But because you're isolated and excluded from the mix, that just says it all to me. This would all be wonderful IF you too were part of the friendship circle. But you're not and your husband is doing nothing to bring you into it. You're all part of an extended family. It's not just about your husband and his ex and their kids. It's about her boyfriend, you, the step-kids. THIS is the family unit. And your husband best get on board with this and bring you and your daughter into the bigger fold or else this isn't going to work. It just isn't.

And even though you're all part of a greater family unit, charity begins at home. You and your husband need to get your house in order.

You're not jealous of the ex. You're the excluded, left out, taken for granted second wife. Change that. You need to talk to him.

What Thevanguardsix said!

What I'm reading from your posts is that your dh does more (physically and emotionally) for his ex than he does for you?

Oh come on, there is no way that OP’s feelings are just directed towards the ex & is not having an impact on her DSD. I think the OP resents her DSD just as much as the ex & they all know it which is why her DH didn’t pull his ex up on her comments. Considering the OP openly starts arguments about her DH buying his DD shoes & filling in school forms I think it’s blatantly obvious.

Are we really supposed to believe that the ex - who kept her distance for 2 years - suddenly started visiting her DD mid visit, was cold towards the OP & accused her of not caring for her DD all for no reason? Or is it more plausible that OP’s bitterness was showing (maybe unintentionally) towards her DSD?

I’d also wager OP’s feelings intensified after she & her DH had their own child.

Have a look at the Step Parenting board, this seems to be part of “the script”.

I tried to be on good terms with the ex wife, because of course I believe in good relationship between exes and she's nice to everybody except with me.

Really? Because you have another thread where you said you have written directly to the ex twice in the last couple of years to criticise her parenting and hoping to 'make her feel bad' which you then tried to blame on hormones. I'm not surprised she isn't interested in being friendly with you and your partner clearly doesn't agree about her parenting and is happy to be friendly and co-parent well. Wanting to destroy that out of jealousy is not acceptable and will only serve to hurt the children.

No such thing as being "unable" to bite your tongue. You CHOOSE to say nasty things and start a row. You CHOOSE to send the messages referred to in your other post. You're an adult. You're responsible for your actions.

Your ex is doing nothing wrong. He is being a good dad. Frankly, I don't think you should be involved with someone who has kids from another relationship - you don't have the maturity or self-control to deal with it. If I were your partner, you'd long since be out the door.

You sound very bitter and nasty.

You’ve got a good man, who takes ALL of his responsibilities seriously. Try to focus on that or this jealousy and resentment could ruin your relationship.

No one can say its toned with misplaced guilt.

Since no one actually knows the man. It all being placed because the ops husband feel guilty are projecting or just making stuff up to fit their point of view. It could be that he is just a decent bloke.

He may like to have a beer with the boyfriend, because he likes him. Thinks it's good they all have relationship.

The two most outrageous things the OP has said her husband has done for his daughter is buy shoes and fill in some forms. Shouldnt a parent do that? So many posters would be slagging him off for not doing that and banging on about how mothers get left with all the shit bits when a relationship fails and the dads get to be Disney dads.

And shock horror. He did her a favour by taking her son, who was his step son and he has a relationship with to the doctors.

Big deal. A man who was a step dad still doing things for that child.

The ops attitude is bound to cause a rift in her relationship with her husband and his child and therefore the ex.

I dont believe for one minute (and it seems to be confirmed by ops posting history) that the ex doesnt like her for no reason at all. The OP said herself, she cant keep anything in. What she means is, everyone has to listen to her, do as she wants and if not she causes problems.

The ops marriage wont last, until she sorts herself out.

You need counselling...

And he is going to leave, but at least you know he'll be a decent co-parent.

Your posting history suggests you are NOT a nice person.

A lot of the things you mention, like buying his daughter shoes or filling in her application for school are totally normal things for a parent to do. He is parenting his own child - it has nothing to do with his ex-wife. You may think it is normal for a woman to take on all these aspects but it not the norm for everyone any longer.

He's not doing things for his ex-wife, he's being a good parent.

Also, you knew the score when you met him. You'll push him away because you are being jealous and insecure. What makes you think you have any part in what he does to parent his own child - it has nothing to do with you.

Really op you want your partner to give everything up and abandon his child so that you can feel better about your own dad not being there for you and your childs father doing a runner? Childish and ridiculous. And if it is the case that he does little for your own child, that's not his exes fault, it's his, so don't blame her. But I'm not sure if that's true or if you are just jealous of any attention that's not on you.

Hi OP it was brave of you to admit these feelings here. I think you know you need to change but the end part of your post is a bit of a rant about perfectly reasonable things so that’s why your getting a bit of a hard time.

As others have said, do seek out help/counselling to unpack your issues around your dad and your ex. All this leftover anger and sadness is getting in the way of you having a healthy relationship. You might even be able to join in for beers with them all if you work through it properly.

Is it really brave to write things down in an anonymous internet forum?

My ex husbands new wife is stupidly jealous of me, despite me being a lot older, a lot fatter and a single mum! She even had a nose job to look more Western (she's Asian) and grows her hair like mine as well as does things such as compare the colour of my nail varnish to hers which she sees in old photos !! It's utterly hysterical and she really is the laughing stock.... so be warned... don't be jealous because it only eats you from within (this woman is still at it 3 years on!) and to others you may seem weak and insecure.
Stay strong !! XX

Oh goodness, it's you again! I remember reading your thread in parenting when you text your partner's ex wife to make her feel bad, you have been absolutely horrendous to her and I'm surprised your husband hasn't actually put you in your place and told you to respect boundaries.

No one here can help you with this, go see your GP and seek therapy. This level of jealousy and vindictive behaviour is not healthy for you and those around you.

I advise you seek help as soon as you can before you push a good man away from you. You have someone decent and instead of focusing on what you have and being appreciative you are out to ruin everyone's life including your own for no valid reason.

You will never be happy in a relationship or with yourself until you address your issues and I am quite surprised no one has told you this before in your family or friends circle.

I hope you do seek help and work on change for yourself, because I can assure you no one will tolerate this behaviour forever, nor should they have to.

Can I ask if anyone k ows the name or has link to previous thread. Reason I ask, I'm new to MN and I don't like making opinion based on one sided information. I know I acted badly to an ex during pregnancy and am mortified by it now so maybe this lady feels same and has tried to fix it.

TL:DR Basically am looking for previous thread so I can make my own decision