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Relationships

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Original poster

Can't stop being envious of ex wife

71 replies

Triste1992 · 18/05/2019 23:26

Please help!
I have a jealousy problem with regards to my husband's ex. Not because I'm afraid that he still loves her. But because I'm envious, so the smallest thing he does what I consider "for her", makes me mad. And being a person who cannot bite my tongue, it always ends up with an argument.
My husband and his ex wife have a very good relationship. They have a daughter together and when he picks up and brings his daughter (he's the only one who does it), they talk. If her new boyfriend is there, they can have a beer and talk all together. They buy each other gifts for birthdays and mother/father day. She even called him to congratulate him with our toddler's birthday apologizing that she forgot the exact birthdate (in my mind: as if she thinks she's so important to him, hasn't seen him in months and obviously has no reason to care, just her way of showing her friendship to my husband).

Well, I grew up with a father who left my mom, lived in another country and didn't send money. I loved him, but that's how it was. It was always my mom who took care of me and my sister.
And I have an ex who also abandoned our daughter, so I do everything for her myself. That's the normal thing for me.

So when the ex wife asks my husband to go bring her son from previous relationship to a doctor (we live 40 min away) because she's at work and he goes "because he cares about her son", it makes me mad. Because according to me, he's helping her, not her son.
When she tells him that she doesn't have time to buy their daughter shoes (I buy things not only for my children, but even for my husband and even his daughter), I think that she's using him. What makes her think that with grown up kids (18 and 13) she's more busy than my husband who has a toddler and works as a freelance and deals with renovations. He's not the shopping type anyway and she knows it. She's a dental assistant, not some executive.

When it's time to register their daughter to school, he's the one who fills up all the papers. I always did that for my son from previous relationship myself.

So when I make comments about that, it degenerates into a fight which finishes with him telling me that he feels good helping her because she's a nice person and deserves it. Which makes me feel even more mad, because in my life, I always do everything myself. I can not go to my ex and socialise with him and ask him to shop for our son. And he obviously knows that I"m envious and tells me that he loses respect, which makes me feel even more shitty.

I tried reading articles about envy, I tried gratitude. It works a bit, but not permanently. It's the main problem I have with my husband other than the small issues every couple has...

Anybody else in this situation? How do you deal with it?

OP posts:

RantyAnty · 19/05/2019 02:01

Definitely get into therapy. I take it you're a lot young too.

RainbowMum11 · 19/05/2019 02:12

I don't understand your last post - please can you clarify?

WashingMachineMa · 19/05/2019 02:55

That sounds difficult if she is very rude and unfriendly towards you.

Do you have a friend you can vent to?

RiversDisguise · 19/05/2019 03:02

He should have stood up for you to his ex in that case.

If he's an indifferent stepdad to your child, why did you decide to build a life with him?

Whoops75 · 19/05/2019 03:27

Did he live with the ex dss for long?
Did they get together when he was little?
Is he close to him because they have lots in common?soccer etc, boys stuff?

He seems to be close to the lad and UABU to be jealous of a child.

WanderingTrolley1 · 19/05/2019 04:40

You will lose him.

millymollymoomoo · 19/05/2019 07:45

I see this abit different

It’s good he’s on good terms with his ex. They have a child and co parent well. That’s important
However from what you say it’s more than that. He’s dancing to her tune and it sounds like he puts more energy into his friendship / relationship with her than he does you and yours. If that is the case that’s not acceptable
Yes, filling forms and taking his daughter shoe shopping is all normal stuff but she should be including you in things too - eg why dont you both sometimes collect her daughter and all 4 of you sit with a beer chatting, why is she not congratulating you both on your toddlers birthday etc
I would not tolerate someone treating me like this re her comments about the woman who lives with you —- and neither should he. It’s out of order and he should be calling her out on that

Robin2323 · 19/05/2019 07:56

How Do you know she called you 'that woman he lives with'
Why did they break up?
Is dp still carrying a torch for her?

ukgift2016 · 19/05/2019 07:59

I can understand you are upset but some of things you mention in your post are petty and things parents do for their children (filling in school application, buying child shoes) why do those have to fall on the mother?

Of course if the ex is insulting you then your partner should be standing up for you. I be furious at that too.

If your husband was always meh towards your own daughter, why did you marry him?

lasttimeround · 19/05/2019 08:04

I think you've had a much harder time of things than your husband's ex and it's coming out of you as bitterness. Can you spend some time healing your own hurts instead? So acknowledging that its painful your ec didn't step up for your children the way your husband has. That it is unfair. That you hurt. And that the ex doesnt even realise how lucky she is and you find that galling. But that's actually how it should be and being mean and nasty to them just locks you in to your pain and makes it worse.

Bluntness100 · 19/05/2019 08:13

Ok these are your issues, you're a jealous person. Your partner is doing rhe right thing, maintaining a good relationship with the mother of his child. You need to deal with your own issues and not make them his or keep trying to drive a wedge between them. All you're going to do is drive a wedge in between him and you.

Other than bite your tongue and try to keep these thoughts in your head, and stop articulating them and causing fights, you could seek therapy.

It doesn't matter what your "norm" is. You know what's right or wrong and constantly causing fights with your partner because he does right and you're jealous, is only going to damage your relationship.

Surfskatefamily · 19/05/2019 08:17

You are being so unreasonable. This man and his ex are really doing the best for their child. Have a word with yourself

Icandothisallday · 19/05/2019 08:26

So the problem is you feel he doesnt do enough for you and your children.

But does stuff for his ex their shared child and the child that was his step child.

That begs the question as to why did you marry him and have a child with him?

He helps his ex out. With their own child and another child he helped bring up. Good co parenting between exs is a good thing.

I am nor excusing her calling you 'that woman you live with'. But given your stance that you cant (or rather wont) bite your tongue and how much you are giving your dh and seem to be jealous of this child....I am guessing there is a reason she doesnt like you.

teyem · 19/05/2019 08:27

So, good news and bad news...

The bad news is that he is unlikely to invest in your relationship if you insist on demonising him for being a good egg.

The good news is that he won't be an utter tosser to you and your children when this shit show runs its course.

billy1966 · 19/05/2019 08:31

I think the responses are very harsh OP.
I read from this that he plays a role of being a great Dad/ex/ general good guy but within his own house and relationship with his step daughter he's very mediocre.

Perhaps you are a bit jealous but it sounds to me like you have every reason to be pissed off with him.

Does he do much for your family unit?
Exactly what sort of a step father is he to your daughter, if not great but is available to help his ex wife's child, you have good reason to be pissed.

I would take a look at that calmly.

I think lots of little things are entangled in how you feel.
Try and seperate and make a list of what is really annoying you.

Best of luck.

Sculpin · 19/05/2019 08:34

He doesn't really sound like a "good egg" though. Not if he needs OP to be present while being a father to their toddler?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 19/05/2019 08:34

Presumably he helps with her son because he built a good relationship with him while they were together? He may not have the same relationship with your child (yet) for whatever reason. He sounds like a very decent guy and your attitude may alienate him and drive him away. You need to change your attitude for everyone's sake, including your own.

SolitudeAtAltitude · 19/05/2019 08:37

Her being a cow to you makes your feelings a bit more understandable

Can you try to rise above it? Pretend it does not affect it? Fake it til you make it?

Teddybear45 · 19/05/2019 08:39

You probably (sub-consciously) chose your ex because he was like your dad. Now you have a real man, a good man, and you don’t know how to handle it. I strongly suggest CBT or counselling to get you through your past issues — as you could end up ruining a good relationship. A Healthy relationship is what your DP and his ex has; not what you and DP have at the moment.

Teddybear45 · 19/05/2019 08:43

No offence but you may be finding problems because you are subconsciously trying to prove he’s like your dad / ex. You need counselling. Nothing of what you said suggests either your DP or the ex was in the wrong.

ChristmasFluff · 19/05/2019 08:46

I think you are focussing on what he is doing for his other children, and then somehow believing he should do over and above that for yours. To make up for your absent ex. To make you feel like you are getting 'equal' to his ex.

What he is doing is totally normal when exes get on - and her occasional asks that seem out of order to you really aren't - my ex doesn't usually do the shoes, but one time life got in the way, and so I asked him. I couldn't get a plumber, so he tried to repair my leak. He always picks up and drops off - I don't even know how this came to be, but it just is.

On the other hand, if he had ever asked me to take his step-son to the doctor, I definitely would have done (he doesn't need to ask me for anything, as he and his wife both have family close by).

His ex has probably picked up loud and clear that you don't like her.

What he and my ex are doing is not 'dancing to the ex's tune', like some men do. They are not still holding a torch. They are just decent blokes.

As others have said - this is showing you your own hang-ups and insecurities. He can't fix those for you.

Icandothisallday · 19/05/2019 08:48

I cant help notice that OP only flagged off his parenting skills of her kids once people told her to get a grip.

Why on earth would you marry and have children with a man who is a bit shit with your own child?

Bwekfusth · 19/05/2019 08:51

NRTFT but I'm getting the impression (from the way it's written) he's taking ex's son to the doctors 40 minutes away and it's not actually his son? If so, yeah, that's something I'd definitely be pissed about tbh.

Drogosnextwife · 19/05/2019 08:52

So you want your dh to abondon his dd and what I'm guessing he would call his dss from his previous relationship, because that's what happened to you and your dm, and then you and your ds?

teyem · 19/05/2019 08:54

Why is it out of order? He lived with this child, cared for this child. That doesn't just disappear when a relationship fails. A 40 minute trip, each way, to attend an appointment is a decent thing to do for a child you care for.

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