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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just come back from holiday

109 replies

Ju2166 · 18/05/2019 20:54

I've just got back from a holiday abroad with my mum. We go to the same hotel every year so know all staff etc and I'm friends with lots on Facebook. Last week I made a comment on fb about the football and a man from where is was staying added a couple of comments. Within a few minutes I got a text from my fiance saying i was making him look like a c*. No contact from him until I got home yesterday only to be dumped by text. In total shock

OP posts:
TheRedBarrows · 21/05/2019 09:14

"And yet I feel bad for hurting him"

His plan is working on you and your Mum.

He isn't behaving like this because he is 'hurting'. He's been cheating again, wants to split up and is using this Fb non-event to put you in the wrong.

He is controlling, jealous, unfaithful, violent and emotionally abusive.

Keep on moving forwards and don't look back.

TheRedBarrows · 21/05/2019 09:19

"You would be astounded at how innocent it was"

No, I would not be astounded. Because it is not about the Fb comments.

OP, lovely, please look up the Freedom Programme.

If you go back to him, he will know he has you even more firmly under his thumb. He will continue to be abusive, and will hot you again. And the more he has this hold over you the more you will lose your self-esteem, and the more self-esteem you lose the harder it will be to rescue yourself.

Please, you are through the emergency exit. Don't go back. don't run back into trouble.

Do the Freedom Programme: your Mum clearly also has a narrative in her head about men 'hurting'. Where did all this come from?

Original poster
Ju2166 · 21/05/2019 09:26

My dad was very controlling so it's normal behaviour to my mum. He was the only man she had ever been with, and although I loved my dad to bits, he did rule her. This is why she thinks this is just a blip with my ex. I will carry on with the no contact, but it's bloody hard 🤣
When we were together first time I was always the one to do the chasing, but I'm a much stronger person now and won't demean myself. Everyone on here is helping so much as well, so thank you all 😘

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/05/2019 11:04

The reason you’re in this awful relationship- or were - is because of what your parents taught you about relationships

Somehow you being in an abusive relationship pleases your mother, in that she wasn’t wrong or stupid or whatever she thinks she was having been dominated and controlled by him. Your bad relationship validates her and her relationship

Break the chain. You are not your mother

We can see here that you do have a sense of self worth, and you’re here now with us asking for (and getting) armfuls of support and love

Keep on keeping on. We’re all here for you and want to see you happy and healthy and loved.

Original poster
Ju2166 · 21/05/2019 14:27

I am seething. My mum has phoned him to arrange to drop off the duty free wtf 😳

OP posts:
MrsMozartMkII · 21/05/2019 15:06

Any hope it's to drop it off on his head OP?

ImpossibleGirl · 21/05/2019 15:50

Any chance of "accidentally" breaking the bottle? Knocking it to the floor from the bench (with massive force) for example?

ImpossibleGirl · 21/05/2019 15:52

If it's vodka / gin / white spirit - decant it for your own use and refill it with water?

Whisky / Rum / Darker spirits can be replaced with tea stewed to the appropriate colour strength as well...

TheRedBarrows · 21/05/2019 17:33

I think you need to have a very serious talk with your Mum.
What is she playing at?

I would tell her she needs to be on your side or stuff it.

Grumpelstilskin · 21/05/2019 18:19

If it is spirits, I' decant it and pee in it.... Grin

Blondebakingmumma · 22/05/2019 04:53

Your mum needs to be made clear that there is no way you are getting back together. I’d be worried that she is going to go over and try to build bridges. She needs to be on your team not his

ThinkWittyThoughts · 22/05/2019 05:33

Your mum does not have your back. I'd be thinking about moving out of her home into my own place if I were in your shoes.

Freedom programme. You can do it online. Also the Lundy Bancroft book 'why does he do that'.

Well done for blocking him. Keep going with no contact. It should get easier over time.

Happynow001 · 22/05/2019 06:00

I am seething. My mum has phoned him to arrange to drop off the duty free wtf
I hope you were VERY clear with her how betrayed her actions made you feel?

joystir59 · 22/05/2019 06:04

You need to break free of your mum's abuse addiction. This pattern you've absorbed from your parents' relationship. You should look at living away from your mum.

Limpshade · 22/05/2019 06:10

Your mum clearly has very low standards. Please don't think her reaction to this is normal or appropriate. Note that not a single person on here has tried to excuse his horrendous behaviour with the fact he might be "hurting", as she has done.

Blocking him as you have done is the normal, appropriate response. Please keep it up! He showed you who he was when he hit you. He is still that person and the mask is slipping once again. Look in the mirror and tell yourself as many times as it takes, "I am too good for this."

PeakedTooEarly · 22/05/2019 06:30

If he looks like a cunt there's good reason for that IMHO.

Original poster
Ju2166 · 22/05/2019 09:57

Day 4 of no contact and now I'm angry, both with him and my mum. Told her she is disloyal but she doesn't get it. And if she wants to build bridges she can have him. This is the first time I've stood my ground with him and it feels good to keep my self respect. I won't be going back. The advice has been fantastic thank you. It has definitely made me stronger x

OP posts:
flowerpower111 · 22/05/2019 18:25

Well done Ju, stay strong. You're doing so well.

BumbleBeee69 · 22/05/2019 19:57

Your Mother is bang out of fucking order OP... Flowers

WhoKnewBeefStew · 23/05/2019 11:51

Well done op Flowers

MrsMozartMkII · 23/05/2019 14:26

Well done lass.

It's so good that you now know your true worth Flowers

Original poster
Ju2166 · 28/05/2019 10:26

He has phoned me at work, wanting to be friends and go for a drink. Oh yes and the cat misses me too 🤔

OP posts:
timeisnotaline · 28/05/2019 11:11

I hope the response was ‘I don’t have friends who talk to me like that’

Original poster
Ju2166 · 28/05/2019 11:22

Just said no thanks. It felt good 😊

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 28/05/2019 11:28

Your biggest problem is actually your mum. It goes without saying that the guy is an utter twat and you deserve much better. However you deserve a better mum than this, too.

Are you happy living with her and having her undermine you like this?

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