Husband just told me he is unhappy

[TheWeeMacGregors]

Because I’m unhappy apparently. He says he’s just telling me how he feels and he wishes I could be more positive.

I get it, I really do. I have depression. I lost my Mum just over a year ago and i have been depressed since she was diagnosed in 2016 and the writing was on the wall for her then.

I know it’s difficult to be with someone who has depression, so I don’t blame him. But I’m devastated, I thought I was doing okay. In fact he’s told me he thought I was doing okay, but he was obviously just trying to be kind.

I don’t know what to do. How do you try and be more positive when you’ve just found out that you are making your husband unhappy?

Just wondering if anyone has any words of advice

I would start with asking him what he wants to happen and if he is being honest about how he feels. Living with a depressed wife or husband will have a profound impact on someone’s own well being and mental health.

The main issue most people have is not the illness but the unwillingness of their partner to address it properly. A lot of people have a line at which they will break no matter how supportive and how much they love the other person. The idea that this will be endless or that they are living with a totally different person is unbearable.

It’s hard to be there for a depressed person because they reject help and seem to crave isolation. There is a constant strain in making sure that you do not add to their pain. Asking a simple question is impossible and you walk on egg shells all the time.

If someone is making all that effort when the depressed person refuses to get proper medical help or to follow a treatment programme, then they are right to challenge things and walk away.

I am not saying any of this to make you feel guilty but so you are aware. Perhaps he just needs to know that you want to be better and that you will do everything it takes.

I didn’t see myself as that kind of depressed person really. I thought I was doing okay.

Thank you for the advice. I am on ADs, have been for 20 years (we’ve been together 13). I am also seeing a grief counsellor.

His other issue is that I have no energy. But I work 5 days in a really stressful job, leaving at 5am every day, to go to the gym (to try and help with the mental health), and we have two smallish children. I am knackered.

Hmm. Well getting up at 5am a) doesn't seem to be helping with your mental health and b) will be contributing to you being knackered!

You have my every sympathy, and I'm sorry for your loss.

But I also sympathise with your DH. My DF and my DH all suffer from depression, and it can be very hard to live with. If you've been on AD for that long, but you're still noticeably unhappy, perhaps it might be time to review your medication, with a view to a change?

Was your DH telling you he is unhappy as a precursor to splitting up, or more to start a conversation about how he's concerned about you? There's, obviously, a massive difference between the two!

Frankly, if I were you, I'd stop getting up so early and I'd look to be a bit kinder to myself, and having more sleep. Lack of sleep is a huge stressor.

Thank you. Well I have to be up at 6 anyway, as I start work at 7 (commute) so I can leave early and do pick up (he does drop off). So trying to fit in gym because for a while it seemed to help.

I should see the GP, you’re right, but I have been on various different meds over 20 years so I guess maybe time for another change. Suffered with anxiety for years, not depression, just became depressed when things unfolded with my Mum.

I don’t think he is talking about leaving. But I don’t think it was he is concerned either. He was just off with me this morning and I pressed on why and it all came out.

I do get it. But obviously hearing this has just absolutely devastated me. Don’t know how you are meant to pick up after that. How can I be positive now? Just feel awful and also terrified.

I mean I know he is concerned, that’s not fair, but this morning he was pissed off.

Well I guess you’ve got to work out what’s working for you and what isn’t working and re-gig what you can.
Because if you’re still feeling very depressed and have been on ads for 20 years then you need to talk to your doctor.,
Is the gym helping?
Are you spending enough time together

Being with someone who is low level or even high level depressed is hard. It’s a daily slog. Because they’re in a fog and it’s a fairly selfish fog.

Also he is allowed to be pissed off! Don’t take that to heart.
He’s allowed to feel all kinds of things and be able to express them.
When you’re living with someone who is depressed you can feel like you’re walking on eggshells. You’re not allowed to be pissed off of sad or angry because it’s an illness.
But in fact you are.

Good point. I get that. But he said I’m making him unhappy. I can’t understand how you make it right from there.

He’s taken the children swimming. I’ve been crying in bed. No idea how to be when he gets home. I guess I have to pretend to be happy somehow.

I know that’s obviously not ideal but have no idea what to do.

I think you work on it together.
Have you have joint therapy?
There might be things you can both say in there that you’re scared to say to each other

I think you need to sit down and have a really good chat with him - when he's calmed down. It does sound like he just snapped out of frustration.

Talk to him about how he's feeling, but talk to him about how this has made you feel as well.

Are you taking anything to help with the anxiety?

. Quite harsh responses.

I'm guessing your vows included 'in sickness and in health'. If he can't make himself happy, how can he judge you for not being able to make yourself happy?

Just the ADs.

Have in the past tried all sorts, under psychiatric care at one point.

Previous question- the gym helps when I go, but work gets in the way a lot so I find it hard to build consistency, so it just ends up being another regret really. Pay loads for a personal trainer and fail to turn up half the time.

Thanks Boffing. I think they did yes, and that’s what I felt this morning. But I think maybe the others have a point....

Ignore - kinder responses now but hadn't updated thread

I have a DH who suffers with depression and anxiety and it can be hard to live with sometimes, it can also be hard to broach with that person how their behaviour is affecting the relationship. I have bit my tongue many times when he is going through a bad patch, and I know if he caught me at the wrong moment it would all come out and not nicely either. Even hough I know it's the depression, and objectively I know he is doing his best, sometimes that isn't really enough.

What I would say is can you take a lok at your day to day life and see where positive changes can be made to take some pressure off you and allow you to get more sleep? If you are getting up at 5 are you going to bed early enough, and is your sleep good quality sleep? What is the balance of chores in the house? When do you and your partner get time together and individually to relax? Would finding something new to focus on like a simple hobby help? if the gym isn't doing it for you, some other form of fitness maybe?

You say you're tired, and that is playing a part, but maybe try and look at the bigger picture and see what can be changed overall. Good luck x

Yes. I don’t feel hard done by. Every being kind.

My housemate / best friend at Uni had depression, I know how hard it is to live with (I didn’t then)

Sorry if my responses came across as harsh. But I think when you’re the depressed person it’s very hard to see how it might affect the person you live with. My dp did this. And it drove us apart in the end. Which I don’t want to happen to you.

What I would have liked him to do:
Get help. Get more help. Change the help if it’s not working
Talk to me.
Understand that it’s hard for me.
Sometimes do small things to show appreciation of how difficult it can be.

Thank you. And I pressed him, so fair enough for him to say I think.

I have tried gardening / journaling, which help when I do them (but depressed lack of energy impacts a little here). I really go for it for a while and then give up.

Balance of chores is 50:50. My work is mega stressful, but very important to me. I’m also the higher earner, so it wouldn’t be easy to walk away. But no doubt it impacts.

Re sleep. I like to go to bed early, but then he feels /it feels like we are not connecting in the evenings as he often works evenings and doesn’t get in till 8 (he is a private physio so has patients) - so if I want to go up at 9....

I think all you can do is to thank him for being honest, that you appreciate his support & you will work with the Dr's/counsellors etc to get better.

Speaking from the other side (my partner has depression), he's perhaps been feeling this way for a while, but been scared of expressing it in case it sets you back.

Unfortunately, living with someone with MH issues can be exhausting & draining. It can cause resentment & eat away at how you feel about someone. He's maybe just got to his point about how much he can tolerate.

So for example tonight. You don’t have to pretend to be cheery. That’s fake.

But you could say, thank you for the help and support you give me. I’m sorry if you don’t think I appreciate it/ you because I do. Don’t Use the depression as a defection tool (though you might not do this)
And cook a nice dinner or something. That’s positive.

Have just done just that. He was lovely, said sorry.

Am making him a cup of tea now.

But I really need to address this. Scared I will lose him.

So thanked for honesty, told him I’m working on it, told him I appreciate him.

He is a good man. He’s always known I struggle, and has always supported me. Think he just wants to connect better really. And depression gets in the way.