Husband just told me he is unhappy

[TheWeeMacGregors]

Because I’m unhappy apparently. He says he’s just telling me how he feels and he wishes I could be more positive.

I get it, I really do. I have depression. I lost my Mum just over a year ago and i have been depressed since she was diagnosed in 2016 and the writing was on the wall for her then.

I know it’s difficult to be with someone who has depression, so I don’t blame him. But I’m devastated, I thought I was doing okay. In fact he’s told me he thought I was doing okay, but he was obviously just trying to be kind.

I don’t know what to do. How do you try and be more positive when you’ve just found out that you are making your husband unhappy?

So much good advice on this thread already. I wanted to share something that has made a huge difference to my energy - and I have an underactive thyroid, so energy was a big deal for me.

I quit the gym due to moving house, and began using exercise DVDs instead - cheaper long-term (by now I've a whole library of DVDs, acquired from ebay), and I can fit exercise around me.

I now exercise when I get back from work - and it gives me such an energy-boost for the rest of the evening. There are downsides - cats and kids can end up being hazards or hecklers. My living room is always full of weights, and one door has been taken off to make room for a pull-up bar.

I suspect I will always be a 'bed by 9' sort of person now, but my energy lasts til whatever time I do go to bed.

I'd also caution against single vitamin supplements - get a decent multivitamin and mineral - most supermarkets have decent versions. You can then add whatever else seems to help - for instance a high-strength B combo for energy. I also take evening primrose oil and a soluble vitamin C, and that works for me (I used to have skin issues). Single vitamins or minerals on their own can deplete others - for instance, the common practice of taking zinc for immunity can deplete copper. Obviously, this doesn't apply if you have your blood tested and are taking vitamins under medical supervision.

Good luck OP

So... have just been for a run and cancelled my £500 pm personal trainer!! Feels good.

Can you recommend me some DVDs?

Oh op, I haven’t read the whole thread (sorry), but I feel for you and your husband.

My husband went through a period of depression about 19 years ago and I can honestly say it was the worst period of time in my life. When a partner is depressed, it’s almost ‘catching’ and I ended up in a bad place myself.
He loves you and wants to see you happy. That’s lovely and together you can be happy. He sounds supportive and you sound like you want to get better.

Again, sorry if I’ve missed this, but have you tried going to MIND meetings or similar? Medication? There’s nothing to be ashamed of. There’s also a nice story about depression called ‘black dog’ which might be useful to you and your husband.

Thank you, will look up Black Dog. Yep am on meds but not making much of a difference right now. Usual story really, new meds work well for a while but then levels out after a few years and stops making a noticeable change - although whenever have tried to come off them it quickly becomes clear that that is definitely not a good thing....

Not thought about meetings, maybe grief ones more than general depression ones, if they exist? Without the grief aspect am pretty sure I would just go back to my normal anxiety.... (horrendous, but very different to depression). I do think the depression is tied to the grief. But guess I don’t know. My grief counselling is good, but I don’t think it is necessarily fixing me, I see it as an ongoing outlet to talk about my Mum.

I don"t think grief will ever be " fixed" . In my experience we find a way to live around the loss, although it can still catch us unawares like a sledge hammer .

Talking about your mum is probably what you need for now.

I think so too. I almost don’t want to be fixed in that regard. I don’t want her to fade

They don’t fade, we just learn somehow to live without them. And over time you can smile, share stories and laugh. She must have been a lovely mum as it’s obvious that you are suffering from her loss. But you can share how wonderful she was with your girls, by telling them about her.

My grandad died when I was very young yet I can still tell my daughter stories about him, sing the songs he used to love, all because my mum made sure he was still a part of my life.

I lost my dad when I was 27, I empathise about how hard it is. I’ve also spent years battling the black dog. I know it’s easier not to eat, to want to retreat into yourself after you feel you’ve given all of yourself to your job and your children. Instead of doing that try to share instead, to find some comfort from your DH’s company, some joy in conversation and laughter.

It’s a war not a battle, but you are so obviously willing to keep fighting. I always thought I was weak, my character flawed. I was a basket case after all! A wise lady once said to me that I was strong. Because after everything life had thrown at me, however far is gone down the black hole, I kept getting back up.

Strength and hugs OP

I’d not is

Thank you. That’s helpful. Is a very positive way to look at it. Right now my girls remember and adore her, but I do worry about that retreating, although I know it is healthier for them if it does. Maybe I can find the middle ground as your Mum did.

She was a lovely Mum. One I failed to appreciate until I became a Mum myself. Most of all though she was an incredible Granny, and that is what is hurting so badly. She really didn’t want to leave them. I wanted her to have more time with them as she took such pleasure in it.

I don’t know that I can find much joy right now but I think I have to as she was such a joyful person, I know she wants me to find that myself.

Agree about feeling weak. I always say to my husband that I wish I was just less ‘flimsy’, mentally, physically, emotionally, all of it. Light gust of wind and I’m gone, bugger all resilience.

Well you’re not gone are you.
Because you’re still here!
And you’re still going!
And you still care!

What kind of exercise do you enjoy doing? I recommend Emily Skye fit. You can do a free trial. She has 5 different workouts a week that can be done at home or at the gym.

You are all so kind. Thank you.

I’m not gone, no, I suppose not. Am sort of living in a grey joyless zone though.

Had dinner at the table last night (recommended, am so bored of ‘finding’ something to watch on TV. Also did a yoga thing on my phone!! Downloaded an app, quite liked it. Will also try that recommendation too thank you. And then I can do something better with the money!

Husband seems happy that I’m giving it a go. Such a good thing that it came out. But I honestly hadn’t realised, that worries me a bit that there can be this stuff going on that I’m oblivious to.

I’d just like to confirm your thought that come September things will get easier. Kids aged approx 7-11 are the least demanding I have found. Things will definitely be easier soon. Then you will have an opportunity to build up your strength so you can deal with the teenage years!

Ha! Good to know!! I am shamelessly looking forward to it although I am a bit sad that I guess I have ‘missed’ their younger years.

I was really able to enjoy my kids at that age. They are cute when they are small, but they become much more interesting as they get older! There is always something to appreciate about them, so don’t worry if you feel you have been taken up with work/ stress/ other issues, and have missed appreciating a particular phase.. there will be more joy and loveliness and it might be easier for you to tune into it at some times rather than others. Nobody appreciates their children 100% of the time.

It is a relief to hear that, I do feel like I’ve been in a dream (a bad one) and missed so much. There has been closeness throughout but not enough engagement from me. I’ve been so very tired.