Husband just told me he is unhappy

[TheWeeMacGregors]

Because I’m unhappy apparently. He says he’s just telling me how he feels and he wishes I could be more positive.

I get it, I really do. I have depression. I lost my Mum just over a year ago and i have been depressed since she was diagnosed in 2016 and the writing was on the wall for her then.

I know it’s difficult to be with someone who has depression, so I don’t blame him. But I’m devastated, I thought I was doing okay. In fact he’s told me he thought I was doing okay, but he was obviously just trying to be kind.

I don’t know what to do. How do you try and be more positive when you’ve just found out that you are making your husband unhappy?

That sounds very positive, and I'm very glad for you.

Now is the time to talk - you've opened up the dialogue. Find out - together - how you can connect better.

Good luck

Thank you. Really pleased I started this thread, some great advice and without it I think I would have stayed in bed. Thank you all.

Nothing wrong with going to bed early, you can chat, cuddle, watch tv etc. My OH goes to bed early I might join him read or watch netflix while he is sleeping. I would be taking advantage of longer evenings and doing something in the evening. A walk, bit of gardening. Outdoors is better for health than a gym imo.

I must admit I do really think proper gardening like veg growing is really great for MH. But each to their own! Having a little seed and seeing it turn into a real thing you can eat is amazing!
I actually used to work with MH patients on an allotment site and the impact was something else.

I’m just on flowers at the minute but am going to try herbs... and then maybe veg although teeny garden! When I get into it it is amazing and makes me feel closer to my Mum as gardening was her thing

I just can’t sustain it really. Some days struggling with energy even to water.

Thing is he’s not really an early to bed type... and he only gets in at 8 so wants to chill and watch telly downstairs. And I guess I do like to be alone in bed for a bit and read and listen to some classical music to try and breathe... I’m so busy all day and with people all the time, and I crave alone and horizontal time....

I just want to be comfy in bed with a book, have tried reading downstairs but it just doesn’t feel as relaxing.

I hear you! I have hypothyroidism and sometimes feel like I'm crawling upstairs. I work in a stressful job and am the higher earner, we also have younger children. By the time you've got in, cooked, cleared up, bathed the children, done homework and got them in bed, it feels like you're halfway into your own pit. The lighter evenings do help and we might sit outside for a bit, but ultimately I just want to get in bed. No advice really, just letting you know you're not on your own.

That is good to know. Yes, that’s exactly it. I am super tired, and sometimes (a lot) I just want to go to bed when I’ve put the girls down. Don’t even feel bothered about eating. I feel like when I do go up early that’s when I’m mentally healthiest- but that’s when I know he thinks we have no connection....

Tell OH you will be happier with an early night. Some of us are larks, some owls.

Does he know this about you? The feeling healthier when you go to bed earlier?

Few suggestions for energy, get your thyroid levels checked/B12 & vit D supplements and a SAD light.

Might help improve your energy levels.

Okay, good advice, thank you. He does, and encourages me to go to bed early generally but then periodically moans about it!

I second vit D
If he encourages it but then moans. Perhaps do it 50/50 and in the days you stay up. Don’t get up at 5 to go to the gym. So one hour later in bed. One hour more in the morning.

I would definitely consider reducing responsibility/ hours at work. It will enable you to have more time with your family. Your husband is telling you he needs more time to connect with you. This will be good for your mental health. A point comes when you have to compromise at work, personally i’d Rather do this in order to focus on family relationships than For more heavy duty reasons.

Well done for seeking help and being open to suggestions. That’s not an easy thing to do.

You have a lot on your plate, OP. Small-ish kids, 5am starts, daily gym sessions & working f/t - that would exhaust most of us!

Do you have anyone who can look after the DC, so the 2 of you can spend a couple of hours together...try and do something fun.

Living with a partner with depression can be draining and it also makes the spouse feel guilty that they feel that way.

The bereavement counselling is a good idea. I think going to the gym is good too. Exercise promotes positive mental health.

Thanks everyone, such great advice. Am really grateful as you don’t even know me. We talked all evening and it’s been really positive. Going to try and absorb some of these ideas tomorrow, and think about what to do. Practically not that easy, I run a business and was my choice, and not going to turn away from that, but need to make some changes, without doubt. Night all, thank you. May seek further advice, you are all very wise

Please ask gp to check your vitamin d levels. Honestly, low vit d makes you feel dreadful.
You are working exhaustingly long hours AND you are grieving.
Grief is so debilitating. What is your dh doing to support you emotionally?
It is almost 3 years since I lost my son. I am only just beginning to function again.
Be kind to yourself.

Between your job, your hours and your kids do the 2 of you actually get any time to relax with each other? Not asking to blame but the years with young children are incredibly hard and tiring and it's easy to drift apart.

Here is the b12 i use and I think they do the vit d as well but I have not tried that.

www.amazon.co.uk/BetterYou-Boost-B12-Oral-Spray/dp/B008FMBNZG/ref=sr_1_1?s=gateway&crid=3CMQJHD22SQI6&keywords=better+you+b12+oral+spray&sprefix=better+you+b12+%2Caps%2C161&tag=mumsnetforu03-21&qid=1558217518&sr=8-1

Maybe he is a bit depressed too. Does he have hobbies of his own? Can you encourage him to go to the gym or do something healthy? Maybe you could all go for a walk together - just to start.

Is there any way you could have a day off mid week? This could help you catch up and feel human. It's so hard working full time. It could be in investment in your marriage

There’s no option for a day off mid week, but I could try and occasionally work from home maybe.

Not thought that he may be depressed. He is super healthy and very into his running and golf, but doesn’t get much time for the latter, that would cheer him up! He sporadically plays football in an evening - one of his evenings off - but often skips it because I think he feels guilty about always being out in the evening.

We don’t get any time to relax together, no. None. We did last night- and it made all the difference. Agreed to have dinner at the table every evening and then if I want to go to bed after I can because we will still have connected! Seems like a good plan, I just need to find energy to stay up until he gets in...

from September it may be easier. Both children then in same place as younger starts school. So I can do one pick up, and because he will only have one drop off he will get to work earlier and then finish half an hour earlier too. So we will have a longer evening.

Great that you are wanting to improve your own happiness but please know that you are not responsible for his. He is responsible for his own and should follow your example of working on himself.