Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get over his past its haunting me

58 replies

Tara999 · 17/05/2019 18:40

I have been married for nearly 20 years. I have just found out that 8 years ago he went to strip club ( nothing happened it was strictly no contact) he never told me about it I am heartbroken ....it's started to throw up a lot of issues/ thoughts about his past I keep remembering things over the years that he has said to me one of which is that he went back to his ex for sex when they broke up this was before me but he won't say how long before me & it's making me feel sick what if it was the night before he met me? During an argument a few weeks ago he said to me next you will be accusing me of having sex with my ex while I was getting to know you....he swears this wasn't the case but I can't get this out of my head it's like a seed was planted. I keep thinking I'm crap in bed she was better, then trying to think of things that maybe they didn't do in the bedroom that we can do. I'm a mess help me

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 17/05/2019 18:46

OP, you come across as very anxious and insecure.
You're upset because your DH went to a strip club years ago and just watched!! Also that he may have been having sex with his ex just before he met you. It was 20 years ago!!
Unless there are more recent concerns or he has been cheating, get some counselling.

category12 · 17/05/2019 19:32

Even if it was the night before he met you, what does it matter? It would still be before he met you. Confused

I can understand more being upset about the strip club if you thought he wasn't the type of guy to go somewhere like that? Why has it come out now? Why do you think you've been thrown so much by it?

Kittykat93 · 17/05/2019 19:35

Op, everyone comes with a past. You sound extremely anxious to be worrying about any of this

Mythreefavouritethings · 17/05/2019 19:54

Please get some help, this sounds horrible for you. It will also make open and transparent communication impossible as it goes into attack/defence until he withdraws to avoid an argument. Resentment is probably building up on both sides. If this is based on insecurity and anxiety, then this will not get any better either in or out of this relationship. Good luck.

Chloemol · 17/05/2019 19:59

It was eight years ago, nothing happened. Maybe he didn’t tell you because he knew how badly you would react

Oblomov19 · 17/05/2019 20:07

This is not normal. Please get help.

Redglitter · 17/05/2019 20:12

what if it was the night before he met me

And if it was why on earth does that matter. I cant see why you're even giving this so much as a second thought.

Original poster
Tara999 · 17/05/2019 20:15

I just wish he would tell me then maybe I can put it out of my mind. I don't know how to approach the subject without it turning into a row

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 17/05/2019 20:19

I just wish he would tell me then maybe I can put it out of my mind.

I don't think this would be the outcome. I think it would reinforce your anxiety. Getting more information about what happened 20 years ago is not the answer.

formerbabe · 17/05/2019 20:22

You're upset he had sex with his ex before he met you? Confused

user1493413286 · 17/05/2019 20:24

Are you sure he even remembers at this point? It was a long time ago, he didn’t stay with her and he chose to be with you.
Please try to put this behind you; it won’t help to keep questioning him and dwelling on it: the same with the strip club.

ittakes2 · 17/05/2019 20:27

Gosh please cut him sone slack - also been with my partner 20 years - if he asked about the last time I saw my ex before him there I would have no idea! Once I decided to marry him then all I thought about was him. I would be more worried if he did remember the detail!

Hadjab · 17/05/2019 20:29

Flip this around OP - if he asked you when was the last time you had sex with your ex, how would you feel?

Original poster
Tara999 · 17/05/2019 20:33

I remembered also that he was messaging her when we first got together he swears it was just as friends but what if it was to tell her sex was off because he had met me?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/05/2019 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 17/05/2019 20:59

but what if it was to tell her sex was off because he had met me?

Wouldn't that be a good thing? That would have meant he blew her off to be with you. You're not even worried about an overlap, you're worried about stuff that happened before he even met you.

How long did you want him to have been single, or rather celibate, before he met you?

Redglitter · 17/05/2019 21:01

what if it was to tell her sex was off because he had met me

Ok now I'm totally lost. Surely of thats why he was texting her that's a good thing. It means hes a nice guy & was wanting to be exclusive straight away.

None of your concerns are making any sense

aposterhasnoname · 17/05/2019 21:02

What bluntness said.

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 21:06

FFS Bluntness100, who the hell do you think you are? You say none of us can diagnose mental health issues yet then seem to diagnose OP as having MH issues.

I agree we can't so you should have kept your 'diagnosis' to yourself. Clearly the OP has issues of low self-esteem and insecurity and is very upset but I don't think you telling her she has mental health issues, she isn't well and that her behaviour isn't normal will have done her any good at all. There are plenty of insecure people on MN. It doesn't mean she isn't well or is not normal.

What a bloody disgusting post. You have shown no compassion and no thought for the OP's vulnerability.

Bluntness100 · 17/05/2019 21:17

What part of low self esteem and insecurity is not a mental health issue to you giggling and what part of her behaviour is within the realms of normal to you and healthy?

I'm willing to engage. You're disputing my post. So tell me. What part of low self esteem, insecurity do you feel is not a mental health issue. What makes you able to diagnose this to be the cause and which part of her behaviour do you feel is within the realms of normal and healthy?

Singlenotsingle · 17/05/2019 21:22

Why are you so obsessed with what happened, or didn't happen, many years ago, OP? Surely you've got stuff going on now that's more important? I have to agree with Bluntness. There's something seriously wrong here and OP needs to get help.

MatthewBramble · 17/05/2019 21:32

what if it was to tell her sex was off because he had met me?

But is that exactly what he should have texted her (assuming they were still FWBs at the time?

Original poster
Tara999 · 17/05/2019 21:35

I just want to know that since the night he met me it has only ever been me that he wasn't still having sex with her while he was getting to know me because we didn't officially start to go out for a few weeks we were just seeing each other I just don't feel I get a straight answer from him

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 17/05/2019 21:39

Op, it was twenty years ago. Is your relationship good? If so what does it matter?

Redglitter · 17/05/2019 21:41

I think your husband is in a no win situation here. If he does tell you hes not slept with anyone else I'd be surprised if you believed him. To be this worked up about things 20 years ago is just not normal.