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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Can't get over his past its haunting me

58 replies

Tara999 · 17/05/2019 18:40

I have been married for nearly 20 years. I have just found out that 8 years ago he went to strip club ( nothing happened it was strictly no contact) he never told me about it I am heartbroken ....it's started to throw up a lot of issues/ thoughts about his past I keep remembering things over the years that he has said to me one of which is that he went back to his ex for sex when they broke up this was before me but he won't say how long before me & it's making me feel sick what if it was the night before he met me? During an argument a few weeks ago he said to me next you will be accusing me of having sex with my ex while I was getting to know you....he swears this wasn't the case but I can't get this out of my head it's like a seed was planted. I keep thinking I'm crap in bed she was better, then trying to think of things that maybe they didn't do in the bedroom that we can do. I'm a mess help me

OP posts:
LemonTT · 18/05/2019 10:31

Oh dear, it’s not often that someone explaining their version of events damns themselves. But you are doing just that.

The problem in your marriage is that you are spying on him, asking him to provide proof of fidelity to you before you were together and condemning him for going to a strip bar. The reality is that your are the problem.

Now the strip bar I get. You might have a strong opinion on that, one he does not necessarily agree with and he doesn’t have to agree with it. But there are 2 ways to deal with it. Tell him what you think, listen to his side of things and then accept that. Or, if it offends you so much leave him. If those two things are too difficult you need help with your cognitive processes.

As to his previous relationship he has told you what he is willing to tell you. You must accept that and leave it. If you can’t then you need help or you need to go.

Checking his phone without permission was wrong and you need to apologise and never do it again. IMO doing that is a one off in any relationship if you really believe they are cheating. Repeating it is controlling and abusive.

The only advice I would have is to your DH, he should push back on your behaviour and tell you it is not acceptable. Not for the first time, this is a situation which if reversed would have pps telling you to ltb because he is jealous, controlling and abusive. Male abusers have low self esteem and confidence among other things.

EllenRipley · 18/05/2019 10:33

OP I think you really have to listen to what people are saying, if you really came here for advice and support. If these questions are relevant and important to the current state of your relationship and how your partner is treating you, then that's fine. But they seem only relevant to your state of mind; what you're describing is an unhealthy and anxious obsession with the past. And I don't think finding 'the truth' is going to solve your problem.

No one who's telling you to look at why you're feeling like this is being harsh or dismissive, so put your concerns about what he may or may not have done (which, honestly, doesn't sound like an issue) and read the comments with fresh eyes. This is about you, not him.

Sweetdisposition91 · 18/05/2019 14:41

Hi sorry to hijack but this is exactly my problem, I fixate on my boyfriends past and ask him ridiculous questions about his ex, I constantly compare myself and want to be the best at everything in comparison. I know it’s absolutely crazy and I’ve been like it in past relationships too...

Is professional help the only way out of this cycle? Or is it self control to just stop myself from asking questions? I’m so scared of driving him away and then I feel worse after questioning!

Jiggles101 · 18/05/2019 22:52

Sweetdisposition it is not acceptable and you CAN control it, just take a deep breathe and back off.

If a man was grilling his partner about her exes and obsessing about the sex they had and if he was better everyone here would be raving red flags and calling him a controlling narcissist and such.

75Renarde · 19/05/2019 12:44

Hmm...just how did you find out about the lap dance, was it from him?

Things haven't been right for a long time, have they OP? BTW, that comment during the argument so would black flag me like a good un. Bit suprised others can't see it.

allyjay · 19/05/2019 13:22

But he lied to OP and never told her about the strip club and it sounds like he had a lap dance too. That would be a line crossed for many women on here, so I don't understand the lack of condemnation

As for the ex stuff OP I do agree with the others, it does sound like you have anxiety and self esteem issues. I would seek help for that but I don't think your husband is as blameless as some posters are making out

MsDogLady · 19/05/2019 16:22

Tara, what are your boundaries? Lying and strip clubs are deal breakers for me. Your H lied by omission about attending the strip club 8 years ago.

Also, if he had a lap dance, the naked woman would not have danced out “in front of him.” In a typical lap dance, the stripper sits on and straddles the lap and gyrates.

Coldemort · 29/08/2019 21:21

On the last thread they'd been together 3 years. I call bullshit on the entire thread.... yawn...

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