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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can't get over his past its haunting me

58 replies

Tara999 · 17/05/2019 18:40

I have been married for nearly 20 years. I have just found out that 8 years ago he went to strip club ( nothing happened it was strictly no contact) he never told me about it I am heartbroken ....it's started to throw up a lot of issues/ thoughts about his past I keep remembering things over the years that he has said to me one of which is that he went back to his ex for sex when they broke up this was before me but he won't say how long before me & it's making me feel sick what if it was the night before he met me? During an argument a few weeks ago he said to me next you will be accusing me of having sex with my ex while I was getting to know you....he swears this wasn't the case but I can't get this out of my head it's like a seed was planted. I keep thinking I'm crap in bed she was better, then trying to think of things that maybe they didn't do in the bedroom that we can do. I'm a mess help me

OP posts:
Mythreefavouritethings · 17/05/2019 21:57

OP, the last line of your post is your narrative - emotional reasoning (it feels awful, so it must actually be that something awful is happening). There’s no evidence that this is or indeed isn’t the case, but either way I hope you have some support whilst you consider what you need and want.

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 21:59

From www.mind.org.uk/info

"Having low self-esteem isn't a mental health problem in itself, but they are closely linked. If lots of things affect your self-esteem for a long time, this might lead to mental health problems (for example depression or anxiety)."

If a MH help organisation doesn't automatically deem low self-esteem to be a MH issue then I'm happy to accept their expert knowledge on the subject.

None of us know if lots of things have affected the OP's self-esteem over a long time. Even if we knew, if Mind only say that might lead to MH problems, then why are you diagnosing her as having them?

In what way do you consider you are helping the OP in stating your opinion so brutally about their state of mental health?

Other posters have suggested counselling or getting help and haven't resorted to your level of bluntness/brutality. You don't need to kick a dog when it's down.

Can you not put yourself in the OP's place and imagine that it might be very distressing to be told your behaviour isn't normal. You can use far kinder terminology.

Psychiatrists don't tell service users they aren't normal!

MulticolourMophead · 17/05/2019 22:27

I'm not sure about the issue with the ex, but I'd certainly cut OP some slack about the strip club. It may have been 8 years ago, for him, but for OP, she's only just found out about it so it's all fresh. Of course it's going to throw a lot of feelings up, regardless of how long ago the event actually took place.

Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 22:28

Tara,
How come you've only just found out that your DH went to a strip club 8 years ago? Was it finding out about this that has made you question things about your relationship or did you feel insecure previously?

I'm also wondering why your DH said that next you'd be accusing him of having sex with his ex whilst getting to know you. Why would he think you'd do that?

I'm trying to work out if your DH is a good guy or whether he is emotionally abusive and preying on your fears and inducing your insecurities. Why else would he have said that you may accuse him of that with his ex - was he trying to plant seeds of insecurity or were you accusing him of sexual misbehaviour?

Only you know what your relationship is generally like and whether he is a loving, respectful husband or not. If he usually is then I would try and forget about whether he was having sex with his ex before you went exclusive. It really doesn't matter. I wouldn't be pleased if my DH went to a strip club and didn't tell me at the time either. If you do have a good relationship normally, I would move past it but discuss my expectations with DH (e.g. to tell me if going to a strip club or expecting him not to go if it wasn't acceptable to me).

Original poster
Tara999 · 17/05/2019 23:09

I looked at his phone I'm not proud of this but there was messages from friends just remembering the night just saying that one of their friends nearly ran out of club that was all. I confronted him he was honest his Story has never changed. He was brought the lap dance no contact she was just dancing naked in front of him. It's just made me feel so emotional he told me when we got together that he hadn't seen ex or had sex for months but then he planted that seed during an argument. I cant get it out of my head & I'm worrying the last 20 years have been a lie & he was in fact having sex with her while we were getting to know each other

OP posts:
MyNewBearTotoro · 17/05/2019 23:15

Even if he was having sex when he was getting to know you in the very early days before you were exclusive that doesn’t invalidate the last 20 years you spent together.

What he did before he was in a relationship with you is irrelevant so long as he has been loyal and faithful to you for as long as you have been in an exclusive relationship. Most people will have had sexual relationships before they meet their long term partner/ spouse. I really don’t think you should be working yourself up and getting anxious over something that may have happened in the first few weeks of meeting him before you were in a relationship when you’ve now got 20 years behind you. It sounds like you’re just looking for something to get upset/ anxious/ cross about when really there’s nothing there.

Scarlettmaid · 17/05/2019 23:21

You looked at his phone. Why? Did you have reason to suspect something? You were probably already dealing with doubts and anxiety then. Was it to do with that ex? How long have you been worrying about her, or indeed, about anything regarding your DP? It is obviously an on-going issue and from what you have said, your OP hasn't done anything wrong. So what is the story? Have you got a history of jealousy? Insecurity?

Original poster
Tara999 · 17/05/2019 23:25

If I'm honest all our relationship I've been worried about her. She was 10 years old than my husband I'm 10 years younger. I have always felt that everything we have done / do in the bedroom she taught him. She Aborted his baby yet after they split up he still went back for sex even though he had walked out on her ? I just don't get it

OP posts:
Gigglinghysterically · 17/05/2019 23:28

OP, are you able to talk openly to your DH and tell him that knowing he went to a strip club has made you feel insecure? He may very well be able to reassure you if you normally have a good relationship.

I really think the sex with the ex doesn't matter, even if it was the night before you went exclusive. You need to remember he chose to be with you. He married you. If he chose you over his ex that must mean something to you.

wobytide · 17/05/2019 23:29

This is how you end 20 year relationships. You either let it go as it's completely irrelevant or get yourself braced for a life without him

Scarlettmaid · 17/05/2019 23:33

I don't think there is anything to get re him going back to her for sex after they broke up. It happens all the time. As long as it was before you and him got together, it isn't relevant. The point is, you feel sexually inadequate, perhaps? You feel that because you are much younger, you are less experienced? And perhaps finding out about the stripper is making you feel worse? Have you said that to him? I agree with a previous poster, he chose you. Maybe you need to talk about sex? What you are both into, what you want to explore?

Passtherioja · 17/05/2019 23:57

Stop trying to "get it" It's history-stick it in a box and file it.

I'm assuming you have no history that you can relate ex-relationships to? Unless you're going to both be virgins when you meet then someone is going to have been taught something by someone ... and if you start again then anyone else you meet is sure as hell going to have a history!!

Leave it be if he's a decent bloke and treats you well

rosewater20 · 18/05/2019 00:23

I agree with @Passtherioja. You don't have to "get" his sexual history. It is none of your business. Your husband is allowed to have past sexual and romantic relationships with other people, and it is not okay to pester him about it.

There is something much deeper going on here, and so I think for your mental health and the health of your marriage that you should seek some help.

AgentJohnson · 18/05/2019 06:24

OP you sound very anxious and unfortunately, I think you are at a stage where your anxiety won’t accept anything less than (in your mind) unbecoming behaviour by your H.

Your anxiety isn’t looking for truth it’s looking for confirmation and it will and has, seize on anything that could amount to that.

Make an appointment with your GP to access help, before your anxiety damages your relationship beyond repair.

Kittykat93 · 18/05/2019 07:22

Op I feel you won't listen to anyone on here. Your partner has done nothing wrong. I'm sure you have been out with other men in the past, how would you feel if your partner was obsessing over it and asking loads of questions?? It's ridiculous

SausageSimon · 18/05/2019 07:34

Even if he was sleeping with her occasionally when you were just getting to know each other (which there's a very good chance he never did!) he chose to spend 20 years with you OP. That's a massive deal compared to what they had clearly!

I know it's hard but try and look at what you've got, because I'd kill for someone to love me enough to be with me for 2 years never mind 20! Grin

I hope you can find a way to feel better about all of this, whether that through talking through your anxieties with your husband or by seeking help elsewhere

Hadjab · 18/05/2019 08:13

I have always felt that everything we have done / do in the bedroom she taught him.

Well, yes. It’s called gaining experience. OP, I don’t think MN is going to be able to help you out on this one, you’d benefit greatly from speaking to a professional Flowers

PeakedTooEarly · 18/05/2019 08:37

OP, please give yourself the gift of NOT GIVING A SHIT. It will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself.

Hold your head up, relax and care not about this. It is all totally irrelevant to the here and now. Both your lives have moved on significantly since all that. Concentrate on the clear blue water between, not the actual stuff.

yikesanotherbooboo · 18/05/2019 08:57

OP this is anxiety and nothing to do with your husband really. It is horrid for you but asking him and thinking about these things won't help you and is part of your illness.
See your doctor for help, this is completely treatable.

Singlenotsingle · 18/05/2019 09:34

Everyone's got a past, OP. You'll never find someone who's squeaky clean, and if you did there would be something wrong with him.

And what's wrong with going to a strip show? A big tacky maybe, but women go to see the Dream Boys strip, or the Full Monty.

Shinyletsbebadguys · 18/05/2019 09:41

OP nothing he will say will reassure you because your anxiety won't allow it to.

20 years means more than anything he did before.

I'm sorry but this is entirely about your perspective and anxiety and no external validation is going to help.

It's not healthy to be obsessing 20 years later and checking his phone and worrying about this....please do seek help.

Prokupatuscrakedatus · 18/05/2019 09:54

If I were your DH, I'd run for the hills.

SteveTheSpiderPlant · 18/05/2019 10:02

OP you need to see your doctor. Your obbsession with his ex 20 years ago is not healthy and you are going to push your husband away if you keep on about this.
Whay he did and with who before your relationship became exclusive is absolutely none of your business. He has been with you 20 years I would be suprised if he remembers the details.

Bluntness100 · 18/05/2019 10:13

Oh goody giggling you reported an had it deleted even though nearly every poster is saying the same thing. Clever you.

Op. I will try again, imagining sex between your husband and an ex twenty years ago and before you even entered a relationship with him is not healthy and you do need to seek help with this. Whatever is causing these intrusive thoughts can be fixed most likely. It's doubtful you can do it on your own.

As for your husband's sexual past before he met you. There is nothing for you to get. Just like nearly every other person, he had sexual relationships with women he found attractive at the time. This is normal, healthy and not your business.

He loves you and committed to you and from what you know has been faithful to you since he entered a relationship with you.

Imagining him having sex like this with an ex from twenty years ago and before he committed to you is concerning. Speak to your doctor. You will be able to get help to move past this.

PicsInRed · 18/05/2019 10:22

Either you are a very anxious person, fixating on things or your instinct is telling you something and you are no longer able to ignore it. Possibly both.

Has something changed recently? Have your children grown up/moved out? More time to think?

How has his behaviour been towards you though the years? Has he been CONSISTENTLY respectful, loving, helped with the children? Or has he picked at your self esteem, made nasty little comments? Do you feel anxious around him, trying to please him (often failing)? Does he offer genuine concern and try to take you to the doctor, or does he just angrily call you paranoid and crazy?

The above might provide more info as to whether you are simply an anxious type of person and need GP help, or whether there is a reason and cause for the anxiety (and your suspicions).

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