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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you wait for an engagement? Am I being silly?

301 replies

Roseyflowers · 15/05/2019 10:46

I really need some advice. I feel like I'm waiting for a proposal that will never happen. We've even argued about this and he always says he's 'thinking about it' I am not confident he means it. He knows I want kids but he says we need to get married first. I am 36, I am getting down about it. He says just enjoy what we have now but I can't. He is still upset about how his last relationship ended four years ago!!!

Should I just accept he'll do it in his own time?
Thanks.

OP posts:
runninginheelsisnotfun · 16/05/2019 12:29

Oops meant to say all of the above is only if he has some kind of wake up call and realises he has to grow the fuck up if he wants marriage, kids and you.

DO NOT have a baby with this man unless he is as completely committed as you are or you may well find yourself in a shittier situation, better to be a single parent of your own accord than stuck with an ex who was 'forced' or 'trapped' in their eyes 🙄.

64632K · 16/05/2019 12:41

I see you have adde your own narrative into what I wrote puppet, I didn't suggest to op that she should stay or she should go, my point was that we were able to talk about our relationship like adults and able to discuss what was important. I never at any point strung my DH along, he was sure about marriage from day one, he didnt one to push me or make an ultimatum either, I held no power in the dynamic either because we communicated our feelings to each other and I agreed that one day wr would get married I just didnt want to rush straight into it, you have completely misconstrued my statement about waking up and thinking yes but then I guess its easier to fill in between the lines with negativity than it is to actually ask why!
OP I wont partake in any antagonistic behaviour or people who are on here just to flame others, but you do what you feel is right for you in your situatuon. For us we waited about 4 years before we got married but we knew we would for about 3 years before it actually happened. We had a lot of challenges before we got there but we made it through together and journeyed on our path together through all the good and bad.

IronManisnotDead · 16/05/2019 12:41

Propose to him and see what his answer is, then you will know how committed he is to both your futures.

64632K · 16/05/2019 12:43

Completely agree with @runninginheels - great piece of advice

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 13:53

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo thank you for the advice.
I really appreciate some positive, constructive advice right now. My head is a mess.

I am no longer giving him an ultimatum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 14:01

Just wanted to say thank you to all the kind, thoughtful advice. It looks like a lot of people care and have taken the time to give me help- thank you.
Though some messages have simple been posted to be mean or imply I am stupid. There are so many people here who have never made a mistake . Yes I've been foolish and yes i met him in a dodgy way but i couldn't help falling for him, i will be wiser next time.
My head is in a spinning but there are lots of lovely people out there who have written kind, thoughtful and constructive feedback :)

OP posts:
springydaff · 16/05/2019 15:04

🌸 💐

Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 15:51

The thing is, 'i couldn't help falling for him'. That may be true, but you can help whether you persue a relationship with him. You chose to despite the fact he was engaged to someone else. That was your choice nobody else made it for you. You both cheated on your partners. Now you want a fairytale ending to a crappy story. Perhaps that's why some people think you have behaved in a stupid manner? Now its all gone to pit you've sen the light. But your choices can cost you dearly. Yours could cost you the opportunity to be a parent. I really hope it doesn't and that you have a fresh start with a nice man in good circumstances not a reluctant bumbling buffoon.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 16:14

Hollowvictory thank you for your insight.....hope that makes you feel better and I am sure you've never needed help or made a mistake. I don't think your intentions are the kindest and i don't understand the mean tone.

I'm still very grateful for everyone who have genuinely been constructive and meant well.

OP posts:
Hollowvictory · 16/05/2019 16:20

I was v sympathetic till all this 'I just couldn't help myself' star crossed lovers crap.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 16/05/2019 16:33

Glad you're not doing the ultimatum thing. It's beneath you. He had his chance to appreciate having you in his world, and he blew it. Next!

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 16:53

Hollowvictory didn't say we were star crossed lovers etc. Thanks again for your opinion.

HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo thank you! actually feeling a lot better with the clarity i've been given.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 17:21

Have messaged bf now to say we need to talk. No ultimatums but I do need to , one last time be clear in what i want and the timeframe.

OP posts:
PuppetShowInTheSoundofMusic · 16/05/2019 17:55

Seriously though do watch out for a hollow promise and an enagement that gets spun out as further stringing you along with no date

You may get your proposal and your ring, but not what you really want which is a marriage and the security that brings.

Be very careful that you don't end up in a situation seen many times on the forums here, where you are engaged, pregnant and crying about the fact that you don't think you'll ever get married.

OliviaBenson · 16/05/2019 21:17

Have messaged bf now to say we need to talk. No ultimatums but I do need to , one last time be clear in what i want and the timeframe

Jeez. Why op? He's stringing you along. Anything he says tonight will just be said to string you along also.

You won't get your happy ever after with this guy.

Are you really so desperate you are prepared to stay with someone like this anyway? He sounds like a terrible partner and won't be a good father.

Think about it.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 21:38

OliviaBenson it read incorrectly . No I am not desperate, thanks for your words.

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 16/05/2019 21:46

Christ. Do some people forget that there is a real person with real feelings on the other side of a screen? This thread has been going for a matter of days and people are haranguing OP in to breaking up with him IMMEDIATELY.

It may be the right thing to do but OP may or may not do it and it would be in her own time.

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 16/05/2019 22:17

Thank you ShirleyPhallusfor sticking up for me.

I came here a little upset and looking for objective opinions but i've been completely taken aback by some of the posts.

OP posts:
HasThisSoddingNameGoneToo · 17/05/2019 11:01

Have you had The Chat yet?

Original poster
Roseyflowers · 17/05/2019 12:00

Hello,

Yes, last night.
I feel so much better for laying it out so he knows how I feel. But it's horrible and i did't really sleep last night .

He said:

  • all he wants to do is make me happy (i know words not actions) which got me angry because it sounds so apathetic and he's not making me happy! So it became quite heated and i tried not to cry.
I told him commitment and marriage would make me happy.
  • He said he of course thinks about us getting engaged buts wants it to be the right time. Again going round in circles!
  • He reiterated that he can't shake the memory off how things ended with his ex.
  • He said he doesn't care/love her but he didn't like how he treated her and he is cut up by how he ended it and feels a lot of guilty (i just don't get this part).
  • He said we should be happy for now and that the pressure doesn't help...blah, blah, blah
  • Also told me that he was currently really busy with work so he can't really give the whole marriage thing his full attention
  • Said that he wants to make the perfect proposal , at the right time and with the right ring.

I am such an idiot he bought a house and i moved in with him a month later, thought this was commitment but looking back i was here to pay is large mortgage. I feel like i have really given him everything ,i have waited for him, been on the side lines, done things that suit him and for what?!

I did tell him I found his behaviour selfish and that that he holds the cards....his response was that he doesn't but he won't actually talk to be its all deflecting and making out that I'm needy.
The upshot is he said we will get engaged but not this year.

What a load of crap!

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2019 12:09

Well, at least you've got your answer; it's a shame he so obviously doesn't want to commit, but perhaps not surprising given his behaviour overall

How do you feel about what you'll do next?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/05/2019 12:15

What a load of crap!

Yes it is, and well done for seeing this.

Sorry you didn't get the answers you wanted, but at least you know now. He's happy to keep stringing you along - while you're chipping away at his mortgage. Please at least change the financial situation if you do decide to stay - you need your name on the deeds to protect all the money you've poured into it. If he won't do that then he's just been exploring your good nature.

Summerorjustmaybe · 17/05/2019 12:18

After all your chats op, any ring that appears will surely now feel like a stfu here you go -
Time to move on op.
He just isn't that into you....
You have been an appreciated lodger.

Hopefully you have more respect for you than he has.
Bow out now is my advice.

AnotherEmma · 17/05/2019 12:20

FFS just end it
He's told you everything you need to know
Stop being a mug now

AryaStarkWolf · 17/05/2019 12:26

He wouldn't be still going on about his ex if he didn't still care about her btw

Move on if you want to have kids before it's too late