DP has contact with Ex’s child.

[OmarKhayyam]

Not sure if I’m posting in the right place.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of their DP still having contact with their ex’s child, who isn’t biologically theirs?

He has him two days a week, and overnight one of those nights and the majority of the next day. He talks about him as though he’s a permanent feature, like a step parent, despite never being married to ex partner.

Child also sees biological father, but much less than my dp has him. DP’s ex has had a new partner recently who was introduced to child, but they have since split up.

Things are fairly serious between me and my dp, we’ve been together around 10 months, and have lots of future plans booked and paid for, not really relevant to the child, just explaining that to demonstrate that neither of us is keeping one foot out of the relationship or anything like that. We’ve also talked vaguely about weddings and babies but only in very light hearted general terms, I guess because we’re enjoying the early days and having lots of fun together without any obligations or stress.

I guess I want to understand what is a reasonable expectation for me to have with regards this child. Should we at some point meet? I don’t see realistically how me and my dp could ever work towards a life together if he has a large part of his life that he must keep separate. How should it/could it work in future if we have any children?

I am also friends with dp’s ex, but we haven’t really spoken so much since I got with dp, not because we’ve fallen out or anything, I would still very happily talk to her if I saw her out, and we wish each other happy birthday on social media, etc. Neither of us is very catty or the type to invite needless territorial drama or anything. They had also been split up a considerable time before I got with him, and I had known dp probably around 15 years before we got together, and his ex probably around 5 years. However, dp’s ex is a bit of a CF with childcare arrangements and part of me thinks that if I do meet the child then this will just open up another avenue of free childcare for her, either with me being able to look after child, or for me and dp being able to have child on our time. I know at some point we probably will have to have him on our time, but I want that to be because it’s the right thing for the child and us, not because dp’s ex finds it convenient.

I think the foundations are there for this to all work out okay. I just know dp is very much the sort to not do or plan anything like this until he absolutely has no choice but to deal with it, whereas i’m more of a thinker and like to make measured plans and choices about things.

Neither of us has any biological children, were in our early thirties, do not currently live together. I have no bad feelings towards this child, and dp’s commitment to this child is massively to his credit, in my eyes.

So if anyone has similar circumstances that have turned out well (or not), i’d love to hear about them....

How old is the child, how long was your DP with the child's mother & how long have they been split up? I don't know that this is something I'd be happy with.

I think that’s really good that he still want to play an active role in the child’s life; he’d obviously made a commitment to the child and didn’t want to end that just because the relationship ended.
I think you do need to know your place within it though as essentially you’ll need to treat this child like your step child so you’ll need to develop a relationship with him and his mum needs to be on board with that. I would be wanting to find that out as early as possible and meet the child etc

Hi, we're moving this thread over to our Relationships topic at the OP's request.

I really don't want to upset you but the only two men I know who have shown an interest in their ex-partners children both turned out to be paedophiles. I'm sure you're fella is lovely. But be vigilant.

My cousin has a partner who was with his ex from her eldest being a baby. He has taken a very active role in the child's life and has other children with the ex. The eldest knows he isn't their biological father but calls him dad since he basically raised them and the biological father wants nothing to do with them. He sees them all as his kids and has them every week. It seems like your partner sees this child as an important member of his family and will in reality need to be included like a step child so introductions and such should be handled in the same way.

Bloody hell Smug.

OP my ex was DS stepfather for 10 years, and he’s only 13 now. He dropped him like a hot potato when we split. It’s heartbreaking. He looked up to him and loved him.

I’d see their relationship as like an uncle/nephew thing and of course if you get serious he’ll be in your life too.

I’d have more respect for a man who kept in touch than one who hurt a child’s feelings.

Sounds odd to me.

Depends on how long they were together.

If me and DH ever split up, I would still want to see my DSS, and I am sure he would want to see me too. It is something DH have discussed very briefly in the past. I've been helping to raise this child for 7 years, we have a great relationship.

I cant imagine having him overnight every week as that would come out of his dad's contact time, which isn't fair- neither it is fair to come out of his mums time with her son. But if this child doesn't have a father in his life, then it is even more important that he maintains a strong relationship with his father figure.

@eileenalanna

Child is 6. He split up with his mum about two years ago. They were together on and off for about 3 and a half years, so he’s essentially been apart of the child’s life since they were a 6mo baby.

His mum also has a role in sometimes caring for this child, and has done since he was very small. He doesn’t really have much contact with his ex, as his mum and her mum do most of the handovers for convenience due to work times, etc.

I am not at a point where I’m going to put my foot down about anything, or even feel it would be reasonable to, tbh. My mum seems to think that if we had our own child that his contact with the ex’s child would fall by the wayside.

I don’t know what the answer is, and at the moment it’s not really a pressing issue, i’m just not sure what is a reasonable expectation on my part. What I’m very certain that I don’t want to happen is end up pregnant and then be expected to try and force a relationship with this child in the space of 42 weeks just to make life more comfortable for everyone else. So I do think it needs discussing at some point.

@notsuchasmugmarriednow1

Well that’s a bit dramatic, but i’ll keep it in mind

@violentgin

Child’s bio dad is pleasant enough to him, but doesn’t have much of an active role, seems to get away with it because he has a job with notoriously long and antisocial hours, and doesn’t drive, but also lives in another city. So he has him on demand at half term, or randomly when he decides. I think dp’s ex and her family have decided that so long as he pays his maintenance and is nice enough to the child when he does see him, that they’re just going to let it slide. I assume in part because my dp was and still is picking up the majority of the slack that his dad should have been doing.

Child doesn’t call my dp dad, and knows that he isn’t his dad.

There are other complicating factors to do with dp’s ex and her family, but I can’t really discuss those without being outing or sounding very judgemental, and for the purposes of me working out my position, they’re aren’t really relevant.

I still see my DSD despite being split with her Dad. She lives with her Mum, too far away for me to have contact every week, but I have her every school holidays and occasional weekends in between, would have her more if I could! Any guy I dated would have to assume a 'vaguely interested uncle' kind of role... ie I wouldn't expect him to be childcare, but I would expect him to be pleasant to her when she was up, and be interested when I relayed her latest achievements etc!

It would be very harmful if the contact stopped when you had your own child; almost as if your DP was saying I’ll be in your life until I have my own child.
I agree that you’d need to have met and developed a relationship before having a baby but then surely that’s happen if you moved in together?
If me and DH split I would hope to still see DSD; it’s break my heart to be involved in her life for 6 years then be nothing to her and I think she’d feel the sand

His involvement with the child was sporadic, given the break-ups he & his ex had over the course of 3 1/2 years then permanent separation for the last 2 years with the child now regularly staying over with him. While it would've been very cruel to cut the child out straight away I don't think anyone's been done any favours by maintaining the relationship at this level. It should've "fallen by the wayside" already. Your DP had a relatively brief role in this child's life, that's no reason to stretch it into a life-long thing. It seems a bit odd to me that that's what he's doing, and involving you, his mother etc in a fairly bizarre situation. Would your own mother, for instance, be expected to treat the child like her "grandson" if you & DP continue your relationship?

@user1493413286
I know it would. Although it would be very convenient for me if that happened, I wouldn’t want it to, because I know it’s not right. Dp has continued his contact with this child to an age where they’ll notice and question his absence, so he needs to stick with it imho.

Maybe it will all just happen naturally. I’ve no idea, I just feel a bit uncomfortable discussing future plans like moving in because I know the discussion about this child is intrinsic to it, and i guess I’m a bit scared of raising it in case I’m just told it’s none of my business and to butt out. FWIW, dp hasn’t said or done anything that suggests he’ll react like that, I just feel a bit on the outside of it all and I’m last on the list to potentially get my needs met in this situation.

@eileenalanna

Dp’s involvement has never been sporadic, it’s always been consistent and reliable, even when him and ex were in the midst of breaking up. He’s always been the most reliable contact he has with anyone really. Dp’s ex is a bit all over the place and will palm him off on any credible adult at short notice, with very poor excuses.

Dp lives with his mum, and so the child stays with them both when he’s over. Has his own bedroom there and clothes and toys that stay specifically at their house. Either dp or his mum will collect child from school when it’s their day, deal with school letters and permission slips when needed, etc. It’s a very established arrangement.

Child’s bio fathers contact is much more sporadic and unreliable, so I think dp feels a bit like he is the one reliable person the child has sometimes. Everyone else involved is just doing a sometimes good and sometimes bad job of just muddling through everything and never really getting it right.

I think it’s worth having a chat about - along the lines of how do you see your relationship with the boy long term?
It is a lot of contact for an ex not even step parent. I’d be happy if XH took DS for a burger once a month, just to stay friends, but each to their own.

I think YABU. If he had developed a bond with the child then I think it is an amazing thing to do to still put the child's well being first.

@fireflyeden

Are you on the wrong post? I don’t understand which bit you’re replying to? Nowhere have I said that I want to challenge the bond he has.

Does dp want to stop seeing dc? I think it’s a bit much to ask him to, as in many ways, he’s been dc’s main dad (or father figure).

Although not a bio kid, dc is as important to dp as a bio-kid would be, and by taking on dp, you’ve got to accept dc in the mix. You should definantly meet at some point, as if this relationship was to,progress, you would become a ‘step mother’ to him. You should meet before you become pregnant and become part of his life.

I think your mum is wrong. Your dp is not likely to forget or ignore the dc just because he has a new child.

With respect OP as I tend to comment whilst reading through, you are in no position to put your foot down, and again in the future I would think very carefully before you try make him choose. He has brought this little boy up since he was 6 months old, his relationship with him is none of your concern, and I mean that in the nicest possible way.

Can he even have children?

@petalflowers

Absolutely not, and I don’t want him to. It’s never been my expectation.

Honestly Op. I couldn't tolerate this. It's one thing to knowingly get with a man with a child and consciously become a step parent but this just looks like it's could be a nightmare.
You should decide where your boundaries are.
If you do have children would he prioritise them over this child?
Would he expect the child to come on family holidays?

DP (21) still sees his dad's ex wife regularly. She helped raise him for 7 years and is his sister's mum, he'd be devastated if she wasn't part of our lives. She's also "nana" to our son. I don't think he'll ever stop seeing her and we always go to her house or meet up with her. I think it's quite important for the child if I'm honest.