DP has contact with Ex’s child.

[OmarKhayyam]

Not sure if I’m posting in the right place.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of their DP still having contact with their ex’s child, who isn’t biologically theirs?

He has him two days a week, and overnight one of those nights and the majority of the next day. He talks about him as though he’s a permanent feature, like a step parent, despite never being married to ex partner.

Child also sees biological father, but much less than my dp has him. DP’s ex has had a new partner recently who was introduced to child, but they have since split up.

Things are fairly serious between me and my dp, we’ve been together around 10 months, and have lots of future plans booked and paid for, not really relevant to the child, just explaining that to demonstrate that neither of us is keeping one foot out of the relationship or anything like that. We’ve also talked vaguely about weddings and babies but only in very light hearted general terms, I guess because we’re enjoying the early days and having lots of fun together without any obligations or stress.

I guess I want to understand what is a reasonable expectation for me to have with regards this child. Should we at some point meet? I don’t see realistically how me and my dp could ever work towards a life together if he has a large part of his life that he must keep separate. How should it/could it work in future if we have any children?

I am also friends with dp’s ex, but we haven’t really spoken so much since I got with dp, not because we’ve fallen out or anything, I would still very happily talk to her if I saw her out, and we wish each other happy birthday on social media, etc. Neither of us is very catty or the type to invite needless territorial drama or anything. They had also been split up a considerable time before I got with him, and I had known dp probably around 15 years before we got together, and his ex probably around 5 years. However, dp’s ex is a bit of a CF with childcare arrangements and part of me thinks that if I do meet the child then this will just open up another avenue of free childcare for her, either with me being able to look after child, or for me and dp being able to have child on our time. I know at some point we probably will have to have him on our time, but I want that to be because it’s the right thing for the child and us, not because dp’s ex finds it convenient.

I think the foundations are there for this to all work out okay. I just know dp is very much the sort to not do or plan anything like this until he absolutely has no choice but to deal with it, whereas i’m more of a thinker and like to make measured plans and choices about things.

Neither of us has any biological children, were in our early thirties, do not currently live together. I have no bad feelings towards this child, and dp’s commitment to this child is massively to his credit, in my eyes.

So if anyone has similar circumstances that have turned out well (or not), i’d love to hear about them....

Some of my friends have fantastic relationships with stepparents who their biological parents are no longer married to. I’d see it as a positive that my partner took his responsibilities seriously and didn’t just drop a child, especially in this case such a young one who will not understand.

No I'm on the right post because you clearly have as issue with it to the point of putting your foot down. I think your DP sounds like a wonderful dad, and looking forward to the future you can tell what kind of dad he will be. Best of luck to you all, but your jealousy is seething out of you which considering you have only been dating a few months, ridiculous.

Sounds like he sees the boy as his son. I think you need to go into this with your eyes wide open - that you could quite possibly end up being a step-mum figure - and decide if that is for you or not.

On the bright side - if he can love a boy that he isn’t genetically or legally related to, with whose mother he had a very turbulent relationship and care for him this well - he’ll be a lovely dad to your kids!

Best of luck to you all, but your jealousy is seething out of you which considering you have only been dating a few months, ridiculous.

what a vile thing to say, to a reasonable question.

@fireflyeden

You’re clearly looking for a reaction, for reasons known only to you. I’m not going to be the person to give it to you. Have a good evening.

@FireflyEden

No I'm on the right post because you clearly have as issue with it to the point of putting your foot down. I think your DP sounds like a wonderful dad, and looking forward to the future you can tell what kind of dad he will be. Best of luck to you all, but your jealousy is seething out of you which considering you have only been dating a few months, ridiculous.

What are you talking about? Literally none of this makes sense & OP never said anything about putting her foot down & there's not a hint of jealousy 🤷🏻‍♀️

OP I think your DP sounds like a lovely person who really cares for this child. I also think you are being sensible by reflecting on the situation & considering how it might impact your future. I think, keep talking as your relationship progresses?

Actually, op does say in her second or third post that.. she.. ‘is not at the point where she is going to put her foot down..’ so op has brought this into the conversation, not Firefly, and it does read that op may consider in the future that she may have to put her foot down.

Where the Op says what her mum thinks will happen, is where it comes across as the Op wants this arrangement to end. Plus her wanting to see the dc but only on the dads and child's time, not to impact their relationship time.
But then again, I wouldn't like it much either.

As I asked ' can he have children himself?
For him to be in a relationship for 3 years, enjoy being a dad and he's 30 it's Maybe that he can't and that's why he wants to be so involved.

I am not at a point where I’m going to put my foot down about anything, or even feel it would be reasonable to, tbh.

I read this as... OP merely clarifying that she does not consider that this stage would ever be appropriate.

This wouldn't be a relationship for me. A man with kids is baggage as it is, talk less of when the child isn't his and he's still very involved. I wouldn't mind less visits, like monthly.... but this is so scheduled he might as well be the dad and you'll end up as pseudo step mum. Too weird...but an admirable quality in your OH.

This is the second thread I've read tonight and thought... of all the men our there, why this one who you were friends with or knew the Ex.

@eileenalanna

"His involvement with the child was sporadic, given the break-ups he & his ex had over the course of 3 1/2 years then permanent separation for the last 2 years with the child now regularly staying over with him."

and:

"Your DP had a relatively brief role in this child's life, that's no reason to stretch it into a life-long thing. It seems a bit odd to me that that's what he's doing"

He's been in the child's life continually since the child was 6 months old. Three and a half years with th ex, and continued contact in the 2 years since. That five and a half out of six years. NOT a His involvement with the child was sporadic, given the break-ups he & his ex had over the course of 3 1/2 years then permanent separation for the last 2 years with the child now regularly staying over with him. NOT a "relatively brief" time but the majority of the child's life.

So you think he should just ditch the kid? He's been in the child's life for 5 and half years.

You're the selfish one.

I would be ok with it if it was more of an Uncle type role. But if he has regular overnight visitation & financially supporting a kid that’s not his then I would not be ok with it.

Have sworn off dating single fathers, but hypothetically speaking an uncle type role would be ok. It seems like this is crossing the line into a surrogate father role, which I would be uncool with because this kid already has a father, albeit a distant one.

To all intents and purposes, in this set up, your partner is his dad. He’s taken on the father role for years, loves the boy and raises him. Why should that change because they’ve split up?

His bio dad sounds like a shitty flake so good on your partner for stepping up to the plate. What a lovely bloke. I wish more people stayed in touch with their ex’s kids that they raised. I had a friend in high school whose step father had raised him, after the divorce they had no contact after he had been raised by him, it broke his heart and still does.

This wouldn't be the relationship for me either. I'm with Sandy too much weird baggage.

The man loves and wants the child looked after. You say the mother and the bio dad is unreliable and your dp has been consistent since being with his mum. I think he sounds like a lovely, caring and responsible man and it's a testament to his good character and how he'll treat you and any possible children in the future.

However, you need to decide whether you want to be with a man who already has a child. It's not easy and at your age, there will be plenty of single men out there with no kids you can start afresh with.

I would go carefully here OP, your OH sounds like a lovely, caring man who has taken full responsibility for the little boy as has his extended family, that is a lovely quality in a partner but what happens if the Mum meets another partner that wants to be involved in the child's life? The position your partner is in seems very precarious and he has no real rights for visitation with this child, that relationship could be ended at any point.

You also need to clarify the position if you had children of your own with DP, would a sibling type relationship be encouraged, again this could be ended at any time by the Mum of this little boy, the entire set up has potential heartache written all over it. I think you need to have an honest talk with you DP and any and all scenarios before you get in any deeper with this man. Added to all this the Ex will always be in your life even though there was no marriage or biological children from that relationship, are you prepared for that too?

I would forget the lack of biology here and just accept this as if it were his biological child. They have a solid relationship. There is no benefit to either of them in dropping that. It would only be for your benefit. For jealousy or insecurity reasons? (I’m not sure what other objections you would have to the relationship?) if you’re dating this man with a view to a future with him then assume his step child will be a massive part of it just as if he was his own child. You’re essentially dating a parent.

He's not the Dad. He will never be the Dad and at any given moment he can have that child taken away on the mothers Whim.

He has no rights, can make no decisions.
He could be at the mercy of a woman you know nothing about.
If she ever does start to play games would he be willing to put you first and say that he will not be messed around and walk away?

@petalflowers When I said putting my foot down, I didn’t mean stopping him seeing him or giving ultimatums, I meant that I wasn’t going to start demanding to be introduced or to be involved really at this point. One of those reasons being that dp’s ex is a friend, and she knows I’m hcp with a job where I regularly look after kids, and will have no qualms in her cf behaviour asking if I can have him, etc.

I think the fact that he’s not his bio dad is what makes me more inclined to be very careful about whatever we do, because I don’t want the ex to start pulling rank and leave dp devastated. Although I’m not sure she would because this arrangement is too convenient for her because he has him on a night when she likes to go out and get drunk. Also, if child was his, then there would be no ambiguity about me being introduced at some point in the future, it would be a reasonable expectation for dp to have a new partner that he wants to build a life with and accepted that he introduced his child. This is a lot more of a grey area where the ex might say no. Equally she might not, we know each other, it might be fine.
All these unknowns are the reason I made the post, to try and find out what other people think is reasonable, or what has happened in their situations.

@bamboob

Not sure where you’ve managed to extrapolate that from, tbh.

@sandyy2k

I never really set out to be in this position, we had known each other a long time and I’d never even looked twice before. But he had messaged me a few times to chat, and then we spent some time together enjoying a mutual hobby, and I realised I’d been too hasty in writing it off. But he’s very kind, and gentle and there is no fuckboy behaviour at all (rife as I’d been internet dating for years prior). We have a lot of mutual close friends, and the same interests and hobbies. It just works. I am happier in this relationship than any other i’ve had in the last 33 years. I love him and I couldn’t walk away at this point without a considerable problem presenting itself.

That's life I guess. Does he want kids of his own?

I just think it can get confusing for the child. What if she has another BF...splits up and he takes the child for a few days.

I really wouldn't want that for my child. Some contact is fine, but this overnight set schedule is something else.

How long have you been with him again?

Does the biological dad, your partner and her new partner financially support the boy?

Plus the boy is shared between the above plus 2 grandmothers. It's great that he has all these people wanting to be part of his life. I just think, poor kid how often is he in one place ?

@sandyy2k

I see what you mean about new partners, we had this discussion ourselves recently about her introducing the most recent one that she’s now split with. I get that she wants to be happy and have a family unit again, but...yeah. None of that is for me to worry about, her child, her choices.

We’ve been together 10 months, but it feels like longer because so many other parts of our lives weren’t new to each other, I guess.