DP has contact with Ex’s child.

[OmarKhayyam]

Not sure if I’m posting in the right place.

I wondered if anyone had any experience of their DP still having contact with their ex’s child, who isn’t biologically theirs?

He has him two days a week, and overnight one of those nights and the majority of the next day. He talks about him as though he’s a permanent feature, like a step parent, despite never being married to ex partner.

Child also sees biological father, but much less than my dp has him. DP’s ex has had a new partner recently who was introduced to child, but they have since split up.

Things are fairly serious between me and my dp, we’ve been together around 10 months, and have lots of future plans booked and paid for, not really relevant to the child, just explaining that to demonstrate that neither of us is keeping one foot out of the relationship or anything like that. We’ve also talked vaguely about weddings and babies but only in very light hearted general terms, I guess because we’re enjoying the early days and having lots of fun together without any obligations or stress.

I guess I want to understand what is a reasonable expectation for me to have with regards this child. Should we at some point meet? I don’t see realistically how me and my dp could ever work towards a life together if he has a large part of his life that he must keep separate. How should it/could it work in future if we have any children?

I am also friends with dp’s ex, but we haven’t really spoken so much since I got with dp, not because we’ve fallen out or anything, I would still very happily talk to her if I saw her out, and we wish each other happy birthday on social media, etc. Neither of us is very catty or the type to invite needless territorial drama or anything. They had also been split up a considerable time before I got with him, and I had known dp probably around 15 years before we got together, and his ex probably around 5 years. However, dp’s ex is a bit of a CF with childcare arrangements and part of me thinks that if I do meet the child then this will just open up another avenue of free childcare for her, either with me being able to look after child, or for me and dp being able to have child on our time. I know at some point we probably will have to have him on our time, but I want that to be because it’s the right thing for the child and us, not because dp’s ex finds it convenient.

I think the foundations are there for this to all work out okay. I just know dp is very much the sort to not do or plan anything like this until he absolutely has no choice but to deal with it, whereas i’m more of a thinker and like to make measured plans and choices about things.

Neither of us has any biological children, were in our early thirties, do not currently live together. I have no bad feelings towards this child, and dp’s commitment to this child is massively to his credit, in my eyes.

So if anyone has similar circumstances that have turned out well (or not), i’d love to hear about them....

@louise5754

Bio dad pays maintenance, Dp’s ex/boys mum is on benefits, and my dp just gets bits and bobs here and there. If he comes home from school needing a new lunch box, they’ll go and get it, they sometimes go to the toy shop on weekends. He feeds and pays for entertainment activities when he’s got him, etc. But doesn’t pay mum anything.

You'll probably feel differently when you have children of your own.

@sandyy2k

Yeah, he does want kids, as a vague future concept. We just haven’t discussed a timeline. I guess it feels more urgent for me as I’m potentially in the last decade of my reliable fertility, and men don’t really ever have to concern themselves with things like that, do they?

I intend to have the conversation at some point, not to say that I want a baby immediately, just that I think we ought to have a rough idea when would suit us. Because although, it’s not a dealbreaker for me yet, if he decides he’s not ready for kids for another 5 years, then that will become a dealbreaker for me.

@LysistrataLady the DP might feel differently when he has children of his own as well.

Also. What if the mother wants to move away with her latest squeeze?
This would be way way to much uncertainty for me to bank on.

@lysistratalady

I’m sure I will, there are many things about this situation i’d have done differently if it was my life and my child, but it isn’t my life, and he isn’t my child, so i’m just trying to do my best to have a relationship with my dp and take into account the other facets of his life.

He sounds like a lovely bloke.
I hope he doesn't get hurt if his ex decides to stop contact.
I also hope his ex isn't on MN!

if he decides he’s not ready for kids for another 5 years, then that will become a dealbreaker for me

I agree with you.

There's a few things that stand out to me from your posts:

1. Your 30yr old DP still lives at home with his mum & has done for the last few years.

1. His mum actually does some of the school runs and caring for this child, even though it is your DP that has supposedly taken on the parenting responsibilities.

Does his mum do the cooking, cleaning and washing too?

Does his mum buy in the ingredients for the kid's packed lunch and only charge minimal (if any) rent so your DP has money to spend on this child?

How much adulting is your DP actually doing?

For everyone giving him praise, it seems that lots of the realities of everyday life, housework, cooking & cleaning etc may actually be done by his mum and him taking a child to the park every so often allows him to avoid housework, paying full rent on a place of his own etc as everyone focuses on him helping with the child that isn't his and thinks he's a great guy.

Is there any chance at all that this is actually his child?

Agree with sausage too.

@sausagerollers

The living with his mum thing I am working on, but he’s paying down some small debts, and also this whole not-stepchild thing needs sorting first because if we move in together then we need to know what the plan is for his contact. Is he intending to go and stay at his mums when he has him? Or will he want to make provisions for the child wherever we live together?

They never have the child on a day when he needs taking to school, if they do on a random day because it helps dp’s ex then dp’s mum drops him at school. He feeds him when he has him, he also does his own and child’s laundry.

I see where you’re coming from though.

@ilovemaxibondi

No chance, child is double of bio dad. Dp hadn’t met the mum when she had the child. She turned up to first date with a 6mo baby.

Ahh well then you can rule that out. thought it was worth being sure so I asked.

It’s hard enough for a child to be split between two homes, never mind three (or four, or five, when the mum dumps her new boyfriends). It’s unrealistic for a child to accumulate a series of fathers, not to mention confusing. The poor kid will barely see his mum if he has three homes! Equally it’s unrealistic for a man to accumulate a series of unrelated kids from every woman he’s dated.

Your DP sounds far too involved considering this isn’t his child and he has no legal rights. What if the mum moves away, or wants to cease contact, or the child gets older and decides he’s too busy or doesn’t want to see some random bloke any more? Sorry but this has tragedy written all over it. And in your shoes, assuming I wanted to have kids with this man, I really wouldn’t be pleased about him expending his limited time and money on some unrelated child.

The time for him to bow out gracefully was when they split - the child was four and most kids barely have any memories before that age anyway. Obviously it’s more difficult now. But I wouldn’t be prepared to continue a relationship with him as long as this weird arrangement with an unrelated child continues.

So he's 30 years old, in debt, lives with his mum, is in regular contact with his ex & cares for her child?

I think you can do better than this OP.

You sound lovely & deserve to be the No.1 priority for a financially stable grown-up who is capable of running his own home.

Honestly. You're worth more.

@raptorwhiskers

I don’t know how I could ever present him with me not wanting to continue the relationship because of this child without it sounding like an ultimatum, and I’m absolutely not prepared to do that.

The fact that he is clearly great with this child and takes whatever commitment he has made so seriously is part of what reassured me that he was a good decent man and worth entertaining. I can’t have it both ways.

I think the thing I’ve taken from this post is that we really, really do need to talk about this so we can see if our expectations are anywhere near meeting each other.

@sausagerollers

Thank you. It has crossed my mind, but dp is fundamentally good, kind and makes me feel loved and cared for in a way nobody else has managed. I’ve done my fair share of different iterations of relationship, and spent several years internet dating too, and still never found anyone with this warmth, transparency and just fundamental decency.

In terms of money/financial solvency. I don’t really need any of that from him, but he is working hard to fix the issue with his financial situation. I’m self sufficient and earn almost double what he does, so I don’t need him to support or help me with anything. Although that may well change if/when we have children.

I think I'd be asking him if he always expected the contact to be at this level and if he expects it always will, or if he thinks it will reduce at any given time.

It seems like they've made the kind of arrangements people make when parents separate - except they aren't both his parents, and haven't quite worked out what your OH is.

My youngest was having trouble accepting losing his stepdad and my oldest said to him, 'He might not always be your stepdad but he can always be your friend.' Sadly that hasn't happened, but I thought it was a nice premise to work on.

She turned up to first date with a 6mo baby.

That would be a turn off for most men. He must really really like kids to have gone beyond a first date.

This sounds similar to another thread on the go, except the guy isn't allowed to see the Exs kids and he seems to be using the new GFs kids as a replacement.

Far too much attachment for DC that aren't his IMO.

Is your DP an only child? Does his mum have any GC?

I think I'd be asking him if he always expected the contact to be at this level and if he expects it always will, or if he thinks it will reduce at any given time.

Good question. Though I suspect your answer might be "I don't know" or " We'll see" .Something non committal and vague.

My DH is 49

His mum had a partner for a few years (when DP was about 10-16) & he and DH are still close. He refers to him as his step dad & has benefited a lot from this relationship, especially as his own Dad is not a lot of use!

I think your DP’s commitment to a child who is not his own is more attractive behaviour than the many biological dads who move on when a relationship ends & cast their children aside

I can understand you being wary, but if you love your DP & he’s a good person then it would not be a dealbreaker for me

My SIL is married to a lovely man who is still effectively parenting a young man whose DM he lived with many years ago.
He is also a committed DF to his own (grown-up) DS and the two delightful daughters he has with DSIL.
DSIL is sometimes annoyed by the slightly feckless DSSes who lie around the house, but it’s well worth it to have a really caring and loving DH.
I think it’s very wise to consider what the relationship might bring, but a commitment like that to a DSC seems to me the opposite of a red flag, if there is such a thing.

Hi all,

Just back to update this thread for posterity.

Have met DP’s (kind of) step child multiple times now over the last year and a half or so, we’ve been for lots of days out, spent time at Dp’s house, joined in on DP’s birthday plans for stepchild as well as stepchild popping over to my house for a couple of birthday presents from me and a run round my garden, to eat all my biscuits, etc.

I’m on good terms with step child’s Mum again too, she added me on social media again, presumably when enough time had passed that it didn’t sting to see DP with someone new.

Everything has worked out fine thus far. No baby of our own yet, but those conversations have happened properly now and it’s 100% what we both want, and we’re getting things in place to start TTC at some point in the next year or so.

I feel quite confident in saying now that DP’s step child will always have a space in our lives if that’s what they continue to want.

Thanks for all your advice, it really did help me in getting my head round things.

My brother has done this. He raised them from very young and they see him as their dad. Their bio dad vanished into the ether. He has them every weekend and during the week (mother's request) for a few nights.

A few of his girlfriends have struggled with this but he sees himself as a package deal. He would be happy for his girlfriend to be involved though after a certain point, as would the mother

Damn, didn’t see date. Glad it had all worked out OP