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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When you're older it's different, isn't it?

52 replies

doubtingdaisy · 12/05/2019 23:04

My partner and I have been together for a long time. We're both divorced. Many would say we lead a charmed life.......healthy, active ( me more than him, I suppose)) , financially sound etc.
I'm in my sixties, he's a couple of years older. I don't look or feel my age. He probably does.

 Anyway, to the point.  I would say we have a happy relationship but I have to admit that in recent years I've been busy with hobbies, committees, socialising with friends. We do have some friends in common but I have many more than he.  Last year he admitted he had feelings for a mutual friend and had for sometime. At a party she'd been flirty and affectionate with him.  He took this to mean she was interested.  I was absolutely devastated and in shock.  I hadn't realised he wasn't happy. However, she soon made it clear that she wasn't. He was really upset.  I don't blame her in the least. It was a party with the usual drinking, dancing etc.

   I have not the slightest doubt that he would have left if she'd been interested in him.  Anyway, he stayed. He says he's sorry, probably wouldn't have gone through with it.  I'll never know if that's true.
Here's my question.  Could you live with that?  I like my life, he's contrite, I'm certain this will never happen again and bear in mind our ages. I have a very full life and like him in it.  We are independently well off so there is no financial issue.

Most of my friends have advised me to put it behind me. He's been a great partner and treated me very, very well for all these years and my friends are aware of this.

 I intend to carry on the way things are but just wonder how mumsnetters would feel.  That's why I say it's a bit different when you're older. Do you agree?

OP posts:

pisspants · 12/05/2019 23:10

The trouble on here is you'll probably get a chorus of ltb,etc. But you are the one in the relationship and only you know if he is truly making you happy and whether you genuinely could put this behind you.
It is good that he was able to be honest with you. That would go a long way with me.

Whatisgoingonwithmylife · 12/05/2019 23:12

If I were you OP, I’d carry on living my lovely life.. enjoy him, but also, feel free to look around! If you meet someone you like, I’d explore that.. life is short, you live once and he demonstrated to you that he would’ve done that to you! Arguably he’s freed you to be open to all possibilities! In short, his actions would’ve have ended my loyalty to him!

HirplesWithHaggis · 12/05/2019 23:12

I'm 57, DH 60, we've been married over 30 years. I'd let him off for that.

But don't tell him, eh?

MMmomDD · 12/05/2019 23:13

First of all - it’s your life and only what you think matters here.
I happen to agree with you.
But on here - most younger MN’ers see world as black/white and will tell you you are worth more, etc...

ssd · 12/05/2019 23:16

I think you'd need to consider how you'd feel if a male friend flirted with you...?
I think his pride has been hurt, then again would he have seen it through if she'd been serious?
Maybe time for a real chat between you too.

ComicSans · 12/05/2019 23:16

Why are you so certain he would have left you for her if she’d been interested, OP? It seems a bit of a leap from mutual flirtation with a friend, even if she had returned his interest, to him ending a long marriage..?

AutumnCrow · 12/05/2019 23:19

It's about trust, really.

Original poster

doubtingdaisy · 12/05/2019 23:19

What'sgoingonwithmylife.............that's it in a nutshell. I couldn't have put it better. That's exactly how I feel.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 12/05/2019 23:21

I have not the slightest doubt that he would have left if she'd been interested in him.

This would kill me. Knowing I'd have been dumped.
I would feel second best and could not stay with him....but that's me.

I'd feel like I'd lost my self worth if I stayed.

If I did stay, my heart wouldn't be in it and tbh I'd have one foot out of the door looking for something better .

ssd · 12/05/2019 23:28

I think you've found your answer here op.

CrinolineQueen · 12/05/2019 23:45

I'm curious to know how exactly he made his approach to this woman and how it is you're so confident he'd have left if she'd given the word.

But if you're generally happy with your lifestyle I don't see why you should leave him. But if you are staying with him wouldn't it be beneficial to you both to try and get your relationship back on track? Not forgetting what he did but maybe devoting a bit more time to on another. It seems like you both took your eye off the relationship ball and drifted apart. Any chance of you drifting back together emotionally?

RumpledOfTheBailey · 12/05/2019 23:50

I could not live with that.

RumpledOfTheBailey · 12/05/2019 23:53

Oh, and I’m not young. But what a miserable existence, won’t you look back, full of regret?

And there’s no need to stay together.

sunshinesupermum · 12/05/2019 23:55

It isn't different when you're older I'm 71 and if my other half did that to me I would split up with him.

OP Your partner has a roving eye and if another woman were to catch it and agree to start a relationship with him, where would that leave you? Do you seriously still trust him?

AnyFucker · 12/05/2019 23:56

Being "older" doesn't make you any less of a doormat

Turpy · 13/05/2019 00:36

I don't think I could be with him as partners but maybe I could still live with him as friends. Separate bedrooms but same house.

okkkorniienko · 13/05/2019 00:44

I think that the number in ur id doesn't metter.
Cause if u fell like 21 year old girl who wanna change the world?u can start any ralationships and control your feelings,but that only mu thoughts.

PickAChew · 13/05/2019 00:45

I'm not that much younger.

If you have been pushed to believe that this was a trivial incident, then that's a situation where trust would e lost as, obviously, it's not.

If he's acknowledging that this was a scenario where he was caught on the hop, taking your relationship for granted, then along came an opportunity that he scared himself with his reaction to, then while you shouldn't pretend it didn't happen, you need to have a conversation and probably some counselling. If he wants you to pretend it never happened, then you have a big problem.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 13/05/2019 00:54

If the only reason my DH stayed with me because he got a knock back from his flirtation that would be it for me, it’s the fact that I was second choice, I will never be anyone’s second choice, so either we would split up or live as companions sharing a house, but for me the marriage aspect would be over.

BettyBooJustDoinTheDoo · 13/05/2019 00:54

I’m 50 by the way so no spring chicken

Ginkypig · 13/05/2019 01:12

No if anything it's more important at your age to make choices that make you happy, there is not time left to waste it on being miserable!

I think that is the point though, it's your life and therefore your choice and you only need to decide what it is that suits your life and your happiness.

As another poster said it just confirms that both of you may have other options and that is ok so don't close yourself off to them because he has shown you that he might not be around forever but in the meantime if you feel it's ok and you won't be unhappy then let him hang around.

Ginkypig · 13/05/2019 01:15

I suppose though seeing my grandmother divorce after a 42 year marriage in her 60's and seeing her be more happy than I have ever seen her because she is absolutely free with no responsibility to a relationship that wasn't right has informed my answer.

Her only regret is that she didn't leave years before.

Like I said there is no time in this blink of an eye life to waste time on crap and misery! You only get one life!

Booksareforkids19 · 13/05/2019 01:41

I’m much younger, so I may be more sensitive in relationships, but I say keep at it. Enjoy your time with your man, enjoy having him in your life. But also, don’t hesitate to get close to other men.
Have a talk if you must, but he already has admitted that he can’t be loyal when he has an option.

Seahorseshoe · 13/05/2019 02:43

I'd have a talk. Read out that post that you said is exactly how you feel. You are going to feel bitter about what he did, who wouldn't. It might be freeing to let him hear exactly where you stand, how his actions have made a change in your relationship.

Good luck op. I wish you happiness.

RantyAnty · 13/05/2019 03:19

@Whatisgoingonwithmylife

that is the perfect answer.

I would keep on with him as long as it makes you happy but keep yourself open to others.

A benefit of being older and financially sound is not having to put up with anything that doesn't make me happy when in younger days I stuck it out for the family, the kids, or whatever.

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