When you're older it's different, isn't it?

[doubtingdaisy]

My partner and I have been together for a long time. We're both divorced. Many would say we lead a charmed life.......healthy, active ( me more than him, I suppose)) , financially sound etc.
I'm in my sixties, he's a couple of years older. I don't look or feel my age. He probably does.

 Anyway, to the point.  I would say we have a happy relationship but I have to admit that in recent years I've been busy with hobbies, committees, socialising with friends. We do have some friends in common but I have many more than he.  Last year he admitted he had feelings for a mutual friend and had for sometime. At a party she'd been flirty and affectionate with him.  He took this to mean she was interested.  I was absolutely devastated and in shock.  I hadn't realised he wasn't happy. However, she soon made it clear that she wasn't. He was really upset.  I don't blame her in the least. It was a party with the usual drinking, dancing etc.

   I have not the slightest doubt that he would have left if she'd been interested in him.  Anyway, he stayed. He says he's sorry, probably wouldn't have gone through with it.  I'll never know if that's true.
Here's my question.  Could you live with that?  I like my life, he's contrite, I'm certain this will never happen again and bear in mind our ages. I have a very full life and like him in it.  We are independently well off so there is no financial issue.

Most of my friends have advised me to put it behind me. He's been a great partner and treated me very, very well for all these years and my friends are aware of this.

 I intend to carry on the way things are but just wonder how mumsnetters would feel.  That's why I say it's a bit different when you're older. Do you agree?

I agree with Whatisgoingonwithmylife

There is no reason to rush into breaking up, take your time & see what you want to do.
The loyalty has been broken by him so as pp states you don’t have to be loyal to him and you certainly don’t trust him
Next time there is flirting it might be successful.
I think you’ll little by little detach yourself

I wonder why he told you.

Don't you all think it's odd, that a man of his age got so carried away, in his mind, that a very mild flirtation at a party, made him consider what his relationship would be like with this ow, and that he was even prepared to leave you. That's quite a leap, in his mind, in his thinking.

That's the bit I find odd.

And when you say she turned him, how did that happen? did they meet up again at another party and him explain that he really liked her and she dismissed him and say oh I was just flirting just being silly? did they actually meet again how did she refute him?

Were they actually texting? Talking?

The whole thing is odd.

I think it would've changed the the way I see him, that his head could be so easily turned and that he could dump me so lightly with not much thought for my my feelings. I think inside my heart would have partly broken, my love just diminished and Loyalty slips away. I just don't think I would feel the same way about him anymore.

There's something about the way you speak about him that makes me think you think you're better than him. I wonder if that's why he was acting that way, to show you what you could lose or something

DH and I are about your ages and similar in lifestyle. While we’re very affectionate, I know DH (younger than me) is feeling the loss of the flirtier side of our relationship - it doesn't come naturally to either of us any more but it makes him feel old and past it. Your DP seems to have been a bit naive about the whole thing, fantasising about starting a new life on the back of a bit of party flirtation.

What Whatisgoingonwithmylife said

The thing about being older is not believing all the nonsense anymore. I just read an infidelity thread where someone said 'quite simply a happily married man wouldn’t cheat' (ie you'd have to be thoroughly miserable to even think of it ) and only a few people questioned this - ha! Monogamy is a social construct and difficult to live with. You can be happy in your relationship and still feel strongly drawn to another - for sex and/or emotional reasons. It's freeing to realise this may happen to either of you at any time, you're making a positive choice to be together not tied by rules.

Thank you so much for all your views. It's always interesting to hear the views of others whether they tally with mine or not.

Some context. I witnessed the mutual flirting. He told me that very night that he'd had feelings for her for a year. I know nothing happened. Another friend witnessed her rejection of him. I won't go into details there.............but it was obvious and he was floored. I suspect she was rather horrified that she'd given him the wrong impression.

He knows that I know of her rejection. He also thinks that the trust has gone. I encourage him to think that though I really doubt it would ever happen again.

My life is full and as I said I enjoy having him in it.  Until this situation he always treated me very very well and continues to do so now. Whatsgoingonwithmylife said what I now feel.  My eyes are opened, I don't feel the loyalty I once did therefore free to recognise other options.

I'm in my 60s OP and DW is a couple of years older. If that happened to us, I'd agree with the forginve him, but remember what's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander. You are now free to look around as well. Yes, it is different if you're older IMO.

There's something about the way you speak about him that makes me think you think you're better than him. I wonder if that's why he was acting that way

I didn't get this impression at all. If anything I got the opposite.

That he was floored when she rejected him says a lot. You would have been kicked to the kerb without a second glance ... I don't know how in your mind you are able to carry on.

Being honest, my self respect wouldn't let me stay with him... even if I wanted to. I have too much pride and the fact that others knew he liked her and was floored by her rejection would be the ultimate factor in my decision to call it a day.

I agree with sandy

What SandyY2K said. You're better than someone's second choice, and deserve better than the other lady's cast offs.

Enjoy your life away from this old man who will always be looking for what else is out there.

It probably is different when you're older. You don't have children to tie you down financially or emotionally. You know your limits and what you'll take. You know life is short. You know how important compromise is in a relationship but you also know how important self worth is.

It does change when you are older.
I am far far far LESS likely to put up with shite like this, from anyone!
You already state you do your own thing, financially sound, have your own friends, hobbies etc.....
Why do you need him at all?
What he has done is just down right disrespectful to you and NO... I could not remain with someone who had done this.
EVER!
He was quite ready to dump you for someone else.
Now that option is off of the table, he'll stay with you.
WOW - what a gent!!!!

It’s the fact that he made his feelings known and she turned him down that would be hard for me to take.

A secret crush, I could forgive. But he was ready to confess all, and start a relationship with her.

"he'd had feelings for her for a year. "

It's normal to get feelings for other people and nothing happened really, he's realising his own mortality and acted stupidly. I wouldn't throw away a long marriage for that. You like having him in your life, you don't need him, you're choosing to keep him there because you want him around .

I think you have the right attitude, carry on as you are, enjoy yourself and don't resist any temptation that comes your way...

It is different when you have a long history with someone and there are fewer suitable men when you get older. Very few men in their sixties are single and those who are tend to be very set in their ways.

@JuniFora, there are other options than either this man, or the few other men in their sixties. There are younger men! Or no man at all! Casual meet ups, or none.
I would sooner be alone for the rest of my life than be looking over my shoulder, wondering who's going to turn his head next. He's all but admitted that he's only with OP because the other woman turned him down. Is he going to sleep with someone else and pass on STIs?
And I certainly couldn't give him the comfort of coming back to me after such a demonstration of disloyalty.
Your choice OP but he doesn't deserve you at all.

Yall; people can do whatever they like, the op never mentioned wanting to be alone, be used for one night stands or having toyboys who are closing their eyes to think of the visa or money.

I can't see how those possibilities are better than an imperfect husband that she quite likes having around. She can always upgrade if she finds a better one at some point in the future.

Is it like a job? Easier to find a new one if you already are in one?

OP how did he broach the subject of having feelings for her? That seems a bit mean, and to flirt in front of you - and come on to her? (He must have done so for him to be rejected).

Did he think he could just sneak off for a shag with her whilst you are still in the same building?

I don't know, I would want to talk this out and know the ins and outs and then make a decision.

Thanks all. Juniflora, you've written what I'm feeling. I'm happy. In some sense I am freed up ...........I certainly would be open to other chances if they arose in a way I would not have been before this. I suspect he's aware of this.

I realise how hard it is for many of you to accept that I seem to be able to live with "the second best" tag. I'm sure he realises he was very foolish to risk such a comfortable relationship and I doubt he would ever risk it again.

His contrition is obvious and I suspect genuine. I have to say I was totally shocked and devastated at the time. A bit of me will never forgive him for that.

This is why I wrote ........being older makes things a bit different...............I'm not at all sure how I would have reacted had I been younger. Thankfully I don't need to think about that.

Oh god I would be devastated
I think the fact that it was going on so long in his head built it up for him> he probably created this star crossed lovers thing in his head and assumed she felt the same way and was crushed when she didn't. It wasn't some short lived crush
I agree I doubt he would do it again, but mainly probably because he couldn't take the rejection and humiliation and his radar is obviously miles off. He assumed she felt the same way or else he would never have revealed his true feelings.
Its easy to say leave and if I was young I would be out the door I expect as I couldn't live with being sloppy seconds. However in your position I would probably bide my time, use him for the companionship and keep my eyes peeled for a better offer.

What is all this “when you’re older crap” about? If my DH did this to me that would be the end (and yes we are older). Being older doesn’t change the fact I wouldn’t put up with him being a hopeful, potential cheating arsehole no matter how old we are. The only reason he didn’t go for the other woman was because she knocked him back. And he already had feelings for her?! He could piss off quite frankly.

Singingtunelessly, don't you think that things have a different significance at different times in your life?

When you're young you're more idealistic and later in life you become more realistic? You learn than compromise is worth employing, that sometimes what's not ideal is still very worthwhile.

That's how I'm viewing my present situation.