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Original poster

Sexless marriage for over 3 years.

77 replies

LoveLifeBeHappy · 12/05/2019 20:22

Hey everyone, this is my first ever post.

I apologise if I've posted incorrectly.

I've been in a sexless marriage for over 3 years. I never imagined something like this would happen in my life. Everyday I wake up upset, sad and think about ways to make my life better.

My wife is very attractive, I'm 37 and she's 35. Because it's been so long, I just cannot get myself to be intimate with her anymore. I feel uncomfortable and don't seem to feel any sexual attraction. Like yourself, everything else is fine. We hug, cuddle and have the occasional kiss on the cheek. It's a very close but platonic relationship.

To control the urges, I go to the gym, meet friends and occasionally work late. We do spend time together too i.e. watch a movie on the sofa, go out for drinks/food, meet friends etc.

We have also had the conversation, but nothing really changed. We don't have any children, but I would like to one day. Based on the current situation I don't see that ever happening. I don't think we should have any children at the moment as I think it will drive us further apart.

I am very confused Sad

OP posts:
DetectiveSantiago · 12/05/2019 20:29

You say that you can't bring yourself to be intimate but, also, that you have to "control your urges". Which is it? (Sorry if I've misread).
Are either of you initiating sexual contact or is it a mutual avoidance?

Original poster
LoveLifeBeHappy · 12/05/2019 20:56

Hey DetectiveSantiago,

Apologies, I think it's just me not explaining correctly. I do have the urge to want sex, but it's not directed at my wife if that makes sense.

I guess I'm asking if people are in a similar situation and what have they done about it?

OP posts:
piffar · 12/05/2019 21:53

Were you ever attracted to her?

Can you imagine life without her? Can you see yourself being intimate with other women?

ShinyShoe · 12/05/2019 22:03

I’m in a similar position. Lack of sex, lack of intimacy, sulking, separate beds for years now. It barely even feels like a friendship anymore. It’s just a chore. If we didn’t have kids we wouldn’t be together. I’m following this thread with interest

DetectiveSantiago · 12/05/2019 22:26

Don't have children if you feel like this.
I've not experienced this myself so this may not be very useful but:
You are clearly unhappy in a sexless marriage and it is likely that your wife is as well. I remember a friend's separation from her partner years ago, where the reason was "We should have just been friends." (After the separation they continued being very good friends) But, as adults of the opposite sex, the idea had been peddled to them that any good relationship they had would have to be a romantic and sexual one, not just a friendship.
As you're married it will be more complicated but you need to talk again with your wife and tell her that you are unhappy and that it would likely be detrimental to both of you to continue this marriage, especially as you want children. Depending on how she feels and reacts, it's wholly possible to retain a good relationship after a separation/divorce.

You've done everything right but this situation isn't fair on either of you.

Halo84 · 13/05/2019 06:47

That’s un fathomable, particularly for a man your age. You need to consider whether you want to live like this your entire life. If the answer is no, then I suggest you separate despite an otherwise loving relationship.

Halo84 · 13/05/2019 06:48

*unfathomable. Sorry, on a mobile.

Tunnockswafer · 13/05/2019 07:12

When you feel urges to have sex, who are they directed towards?

NameChangeNugget · 13/05/2019 08:07

You’re young. End it and find happiness.

You could have another 60 years of this.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 13/05/2019 08:11

Has your wife said why she no longer wants to have sex? Was it a gradual.dwindling of your sex life or did she suddenly stop wanting sex?

I think if you can't resolve it then you should end it.

Original poster
LoveLifeBeHappy · 13/05/2019 10:04

Yes of course. We met in 2012, dated for about two years and then got married. We've known each other for 7 years, married for almost 5.

Everything was good for a few years but then it just diminished. I don't really have an answer to why. I guess life got busy.

My family (especially my mum) interfered in my relationship quite a bit. That did add some tension between us. But I dn't think this has anything to do with it.

OP posts:
Honeybooboo123 · 13/05/2019 10:20

So... Sorry, confused a little.

You don't want to sleep with her or she doesn't want to sleep with you?

SandyY2K · 13/05/2019 10:23

If this isn't the life you want...its best to take action and deal with it.

If you want kids...time is ticking along for your wife ..not critical yet...but her fertility is declining. Having a child with her would not be wise.

Do you think she is interested in sex? With you it others?

Apileofballyhoo · 13/05/2019 10:33

Are you just not attracted to her, but you are to other women? Even though she is attractive, but just not to you?

Original poster
LoveLifeBeHappy · 13/05/2019 10:44

@Halo84 - at 37 I just thought this is normal. I was under the impression once you get married, things start to dwindle. But not to a point where you're not intimate for 3 years.

@piffar I do love her very much. We do like being around each other.. I don't know how I would be without her. I've not been put in that situation so I am not sure. She does go back to her mums on the weekends occasionally. I do like that time alone - not sure if that counts?

@DetectiveSantiago seperation/divorce does sound terrifying. Probably more for her than me as she's settled here now and lives with me. Her parents are lovely - they'll probably hate me forever.

@Tunnockswafer, the urges are not directed at anyone. I just do what most people would do.

@EmmaGrundyForPM - she said she upset about it. The issue is because it's been so long I just can't find the drive anymore. I do hug her, but I don't have any sexual attraction. She never initiates anything either. We get into bed, check a few things on our phones and go to sleep.

OP posts:
rainbowlovesfroot · 13/05/2019 11:49

To be honest, I would end it. You deserve a loving relationship

Tunnockswafer · 13/05/2019 17:11

Tunnockswafer, the urges are not directed at anyone. I just do what most people would do
I really don’t know what that means! When you feel an urge, is it directed more towards men or women?

Tunnockswafer · 13/05/2019 17:13

I would not end a marriage without at least talking and ideally having counselling. A marriage deserves a bit more effort than this.
If it’s the case that you prefer men that’s entirely different, but if you’ve both just lost desire for eachother that could be reignited - worth a shot anyway.

Flower777 · 13/05/2019 18:51

Tunnockswafer- I assume he is talking about masturbating?

I was going to suggest counselling. It has to be worth a try, surely?

poglets · 13/05/2019 19:06

You both sound distant. I'd have a long think about how you have contributed to this situation. You say you like it when she goes away as you like the space and your family have caused problems in the relationship. It's probable your wife resents you. Sad for both of you.

You're unhappy you are in a sexless marriage so there is definitely a problem. It is a horrible way to live and you don't have to continue on. You have no children and as it stands no prospect of having children.

You either want to fix it or you don't - and that starts with a conversation. It would start with you making an effort. Maybe counseling would help, but it takes action on both sides. And it may mean you have to split up because it can't be salvaged, which you both should prepare for.

Original poster
LoveLifeBeHappy · 13/05/2019 22:20

@Flower777 yeah that's maybe a good shout. Does that stuff really work? What do they do?

@poglets yeah, I think maybe that spark has gone in terms of the physical/intimate side of things. Everything else is okay. We will most likely have a chat tomorrow.

At the moment she goes to bed quite early as she starts work before me. I don't get into bed until around midnight. I just end up working or doing other bits.

My mother and her don't really get on. That did cause some issues between us, but we moved away from that. I pretty much gave up my family for her.

Has anyone ever stayed in a sexless marriage - can it work without the sexual part?

@ShinyShoe how is your situation?

OP posts:
stucknoue · 13/05/2019 22:24

Have you tried talking about it? Saying you want to be intimate? Perhaps go away for a weekend with it specifically in mind. It's worth trying before you decide to split

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/05/2019 22:43

Was the sex life you had before the drought satisfying?

To be honest it sounds like the marriage is more plain friendship now; you could try seeing a sex therapist but looks pretty bleak.

Closetbeanmuncher · 13/05/2019 22:46

..attraction isn't really something that can be resuscitated.

Tunnockswafer · 13/05/2019 22:49

OP's desire seem to be on the side of making do in a sexless marriage rather than seeking counselling to get their sex drives back.
This does still make me wonder if he doesn't fancy women in general, rather than just his wife in particular.

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