Sexless marriage for over 3 years.

[LoveLifeBeHappy]

Hey everyone, this is my first ever post.

I apologise if I've posted incorrectly.

I've been in a sexless marriage for over 3 years. I never imagined something like this would happen in my life. Everyday I wake up upset, sad and think about ways to make my life better.

My wife is very attractive, I'm 37 and she's 35. Because it's been so long, I just cannot get myself to be intimate with her anymore. I feel uncomfortable and don't seem to feel any sexual attraction. Like yourself, everything else is fine. We hug, cuddle and have the occasional kiss on the cheek. It's a very close but platonic relationship.

To control the urges, I go to the gym, meet friends and occasionally work late. We do spend time together too i.e. watch a movie on the sofa, go out for drinks/food, meet friends etc.

We have also had the conversation, but nothing really changed. We don't have any children, but I would like to one day. Based on the current situation I don't see that ever happening. I don't think we should have any children at the moment as I think it will drive us further apart.

I am very confused

I totally disagree with that closetbeanmumcher, obviously in some cases yes but if you felt that way once and still like the person then you can start to see them differently again. I don't think attraction and desire stay static over the course of a long marriage.

With the benefit of my knowledge, gleaned from once watching a programme, it was suggested that the couple start massaging each other.
Sex was absolutely banned; nothing sexual at all, just regaining some physical closeness without any pressure.
In their case they were both gagging for it after about 3 weeks, but they still weren't allowed. (They ended up doing it anyway)

Hi there. I ended my marriage with my ex due to this. We had got to the point where we loved each other like siblings, not man and wife.

It isn't only the sex is it? All the other closeness and intimacy goes too. That is what I found hardest to live with.

I ended up meeting someone else. My ex was sad but admitted that he hadnt felt that way about me for years. I wish he had said sooner. As it was, he knew that it wasn't the man I met who broke us up. Our marriage had been over a long time and we didn't want to face it. The new man was a catalyst, not a reason. As we all understood this, we all get on great now.

The idea of the split was much worse than the actuality. And we have a daughter too. Because we split whilst we were still friends, it made a difference. We like each other and get on much better now.

I can't tell you what to do, but staying out of fear was the most awful time in my life. Agreeing to split was such a relief.

I am now with someone who wants me sexually and it is bliss. I no longer feel rejected or shallow for wanting more than I had with my ex.

@Tunnockswafer why are you so confued? Which bit don't you get exactly?

Your posts give you your own answer.
You need to go to bed at the same time.
You need to make her feel amazing and wanted.
Ask her how she feels and work on it. Don't just shrug your shoulders.
Go to bed together, don't go on your phones. Talk to each other.

lovelifebehappy why aren’t you answering my question?

You don't fancy your wife, you don't want sex with her but here you are complaining that you don't have sex with her. Is that right?

I think you're confused about I said. I love my wife. We hang out and do things together.. we even went on holiday. It's just the sex which is missing. Neither of us initiate it. It's been over 3 years and due to that I do feel uncomfortable doing it.

I was asking if people are in similar situations and what they do? Can a marriage work in this way..

I’m giving up on this one. Yeah OP you’ll have a great sexless marriage, you don’t want to change it/work on it anyway (or admit it if you’re attracted to same sex which I suspect you are) but you might find your wife one day wants more for herself. I’m not doubting you love her but are you being honest with her?

Of course a marriage can work like that if it's what you both want. But if she'd rather be in a sexual relationship then your marriage may not last. It all depends on how she feels about it.

I’m in a sexless marriage and I completely empathise with you. I know exactly what you mean by not being able to make approaches to your wife, but still finding her attractive.

Truth is, people, that after being rejected over and over again over time, you start to protect yourself by training yourself to ‘switch off’ your day to day attraction to them. It’s less painful and frustrating if you can convince yourself not to look at your partner ‘that way’. Then it becomes a habit that’s hard to break, even if you want to (or a therapist encourages you to).

Doesn’t mean your natural sexual urges completely die off in other areas though. Of course you come across people/situations that get your juices flowing- whether you do something about it or not. You can suppress it most of the time, or at home, but it does tap you on the shoulder to remind you it’s a normal need and you’re a normal human!

My advice is to find a good therapist who works in this area in particular. Don’t let it all get side-tracked into talking about feelings though. There’ll always be things to improve in a relationship, but this should be considered a serious deal-breaker. It’s just not fair to live a half-life, being denied a basic human need with no end in sight.

Therapy (lots of it) didn’t help my situation, but at least I know I did my best and gave it a good shot. I’ve made my feelings about it clear to my partner and I’ll take my time deciding what to do about my situation. I won’t leave the marriage but I also won’t be made to feel dirty or embarrassed about having normal needs. I suspect I’ll eventually enter an arrangement outside of my marriage for sex without strings. I’ll do it carefully, but if I’m found out I won’t apologise.

If my partner has opted out of my sex life, and doesn’t care enough to even talk about it any more then as far as I’m concerned they’ve opted out of being consulted about it as well. They get to choose about their sex life but they don’t get to keep mine hostage, beyond a certain point. I’ll just add that it’s taken me 9 years to come to this point of view, and I’ve realised it’s very hard for people in ‘normal’ relationships to understand how it is (evidenced by a lot of people on this thread!).

It’s a very sad situation, and you have my sympathy.

Op, if you have an otherwise loving relationship, it’s a shame to throw it away.
Could you organise a pamper night. One night a month, each of you does something special for the other. A night in a country hotel, Cook them their favourite meal, run a bath with bubbles & candles and music, or now the weather is improving, take a picnic and a bottle of wine and have supper out somewhere.
And see where it leads. Maybe not sex immediately but it might help you reconnect. It would give the other person something to look forward to. And nice to do something different & use a bit of imagination.

Go away for a weekend. Leave your devices at home or turn them off. Do nothing but hang out and talk, maybe long country walks. Find out how you both feel about the future and what is at the core of your relationship.

Maybe try massage/kissing/intimacy to see how it feels.

If the spark is gone, make plans about what to do. Don't live this half-life for the sake of convenience, you'll regret it when you're old and dried up!

There could be a way back to what you first had but things will not change if neither of you are prepared to initiate change.

Bumbling sling for another three, ten plus years is always an option, it’s just not a particularly positive one.

I really don’t see this getting any better without engaging the services of a third party (marriage counsellor). I suspect your interfering mother did more damage to your relationship than you are willing to admit. When you frame putting in boundaries and some distance between your interfering mother as ‘giving up everything for your wife’, it does sound like you don’t understand or care to understand the impact of that type of toxicity on your relationship.

It sounds like there is resentment on both sides and unresolved resentment corrodes relationships.

If it's anything that will make it worse, children will. Going to a councillor would be a really useful way of knowing if there's a future. Sometimes it's lack of communication over time and this could be helped. Both of you would need to be committed to it though. There's also a good series on TV which may help give you some idess for free...Sex on the Couch on Iplayer. Gave us some ideas. Most importantly you need to get to the root cause of it all and try and overcome it. It will be difficult and may not work, but what have you got to lose?

You really need to see a counsellor that specialise in sexual intimacy, start there.
If you love your wife it is worth trying to save your marriage.
I second going to bed together and hold her in your arms. Run your hands gently down her back, kiss her gently. Start slowly and see what naturally happens. Don’t force it. Just start slowly. Allow yourself to open up to her a little. To feel the heat from her body and the curve of her spine. You need to reconnect. Make time to do this, and put everything else on hold.
You sound like a good couple, you need to make much effort.

What does she say when you sit down and talk about it properly? Children would make the situation much worse, you’re right so maybe see if you can work through it together first and acknowledge children can’t be possible with your relationship being like this?

Wow. We are both hitting 50 and I don't think we've done longer than a week without. Normal sex drive.

If you stop it can be really hard to restart.

Sorry posted too soon. But you do need to talk. Say you'd like to resume activity. Then go from there.

Aim high for 4x a week or something. The more you do the more you want.

Girlzroolz Can I ask why you stay in the relationship? It’s just my curiosity you can tell me to sod off.

Hey everyone, I just want to thank you all for the messages and support so far. I didn't expect the responses to be as high as this..

@Girlzroolz are you still in your relationship? I can understand why you stay in.. I have.

We do watch a movie together most evenings are after dinner. We sit together and cuddle. However it doesn't go any further than that. Then we will get into bed, she'll jump on her phone for a few minutes and knock out. We do sometimes cuddle, but again - that's it.

About a year ago I did try, but she turned away.

We did recently go on holiday for a week to Dubai which was lovely. We had a really good time and went to a few bars and clubs and enjoyed the day time activities. Things were still the same though.
I do massage her back as it's sometimes sore.

@NeatFreakMama she did say she would like things to go back to normal. It's just that because it's been so long I think we've just become so uncomfortable about it. Me probably a lot more.

I think I will get in touch with a counsellor and see how things go from there.

I was in a sexless marriage, I asked so many times to talk about it but he wouldn't. I ended up having an affair, it made me realise I wanted more out of life and left my marriage. It's not just the sex, you feel distanced from your partner if there's no intimacy, arguments never got resolved, the partnership can get bitter.

@Tunnockswafer

"I’m giving up on this one. Yeah OP you’ll have a great sexless marriage, you don’t want to change it/work on it anyway (or admit it if you’re attracted to same sex which I suspect you are) but you might find your wife one day wants more for herself. I’m not doubting you love her but are you being honest with her?"

I never said I don't want to change anything. You're clearly not reading what I've written and making odd assumptions. You seem to be the -only- one somehow relating this to me liking men? very strange when everyone else got it except yourself.

Strange.

It sounds like you've just fallen out of love with each other. In all my relationships towards the end, I couldn't bear to even think about having sex with them.

I think you have two choices. End it or try and find intimacy by scheduling doing fun stuff together, going out and getting drunk and see if that kick starts something. My first long term relationship, towards the last few years we were more friends than anything. It was hard to finish because we were such good friends but it was the right thing to do.

The reasons I’ve stayed in my relationship probably wouldn’t be relevant to anybody else’s situation.

I looked into separation/divorce (after 7 celibate years) and there are myriad reasons it would likely make me unhappier than I am now. I couldn’t bear going back to square one financially and decimating my DD’s financial future (I’d likely end up paying him a stipend, and handing over property I’ve inherited). I refuse to break my DD’s heart, and also lie to her for the next decade about why mummy left daddy (can’t very well explain about the sexless thing!). I know DH would repartner quickly, and I’d hate it sooooooo much. He’d probably end up having more sex than me, and then I’d have to have him strangled in a dark alley.

That said, I don’t judge anyone who makes the break and tries for a full life. Even with kids. But I’ve made peace with my situation about 75%, and have left the doors of possibility open for the rest.

Maybe it’s partly cos I’m nearing 50. If I was 35, or childless, I’d take a different path. Hell, I’d probably tell everyone exactly why I was leaving him, take off overseas for a year with a backpack full of condoms. I’d still love him, but there’d be a strong element of shrugging my shoulders and seeking out the next ‘love of my life’.

For now it’s enough (it seems) for me to take myself in hand sexually (so to speak) and try and build my self-worth up in other ways. It’s not that bad.