Sexless marriage for over 3 years.

[LoveLifeBeHappy]

Hey everyone, this is my first ever post.

I apologise if I've posted incorrectly.

I've been in a sexless marriage for over 3 years. I never imagined something like this would happen in my life. Everyday I wake up upset, sad and think about ways to make my life better.

My wife is very attractive, I'm 37 and she's 35. Because it's been so long, I just cannot get myself to be intimate with her anymore. I feel uncomfortable and don't seem to feel any sexual attraction. Like yourself, everything else is fine. We hug, cuddle and have the occasional kiss on the cheek. It's a very close but platonic relationship.

To control the urges, I go to the gym, meet friends and occasionally work late. We do spend time together too i.e. watch a movie on the sofa, go out for drinks/food, meet friends etc.

We have also had the conversation, but nothing really changed. We don't have any children, but I would like to one day. Based on the current situation I don't see that ever happening. I don't think we should have any children at the moment as I think it will drive us further apart.

I am very confused

Not fair on both of you
You're young you can find happiness again
You're not even 40 and going through this

I have just sent a long email to her stating how things are now and what do we want for the future. Us and kids etc. It will provoke the conversation again..

I mentioned how things have become so dormant and that I don't even know how to do any of that again and I feel uncomfortable.

Let's see how it goes.

Sounds like the only thing missing is sex. You have everything else. Find out what you want first. Do you want to stay in a sexless marriage? Do you want to have children with her?
If I were you I would talk to her after you think about what you want.
There are ways to bring sexy back to the relationship that's not the issue for now.
The issue is what do you want for your future.
I've been married 30 years and sex still very much a part of our relationship.
Sex isn't everything but you are too young not to explore what's behind not having sex with each other.
Best of luck

Of course you can make a marriage work without sex but do you want to?
Take time to think and then decide. Can you see yourself celibate for the rest of your married life?
Those are questions that only you can answer. Once you know talk to her.

Even if the stop having sex might have some reasons, I believe that here the reason for still not having sex is fear- we don't want to face it.

If you talked about it (which is great!) then either have a couple of drinks one night and try then, or go to a therapist.

Going to a therapist is very common in couples and can be so useful!

Hi OP
You said you didn't find your wife sexually attractive anymore. If this feeling is gone then I'm sure there is no way it can miraculously reappear. If you still fancied your wife but somehow things have slowed down in the bedroom then there would be hope I think. You have a sexless marriage and you don't find her sexually attractive - I'm not sure what there is to suggest really.

You are still so young and both deserve a loving and fun marriage! Perhaps you are just dreading the divorce and the change it brings.

@Girlzroolz thank you for your message. I get it. I just think it's not fair on you living like that.. you deserve to be happy too. It's really sad hearing that.

“take off overseas for a year with a backpack full of condoms.” Girlzroolz That make me laugh

@PetitTorteois yes the sexual attraction has gone. I don't know how easy it is to bring that back.. She is my best friend, and it does upset me.

I did think about having kids, been thinking all week - I just feel it will break us apart even further at this point. I really don't know if I can see myself having children with her (not at this present time) - unless things change of course.

We are talking about it and we will be seeking help as people have suggested.

@BlueJag It's amazing to be married so long and still having a strong loving and sexual relationship. So happy for you .

I think it could be for you too to have a loving sexual marriage if that's what you want. I just think you need to know what you'll like for your future. It may be that you sacrifice sex for companionship and friendship.

You talk about ‘having children’ and putting it off due to this intimacy issue. You’re right too, of course, but it’s a bit of a moot point. To have a baby, you’d actually have to have sex with each other (more than once). Given that neither of you can bring yourselves to do so, a family is not a likely outcome, is it?

Plenty of couples live contentedly in a low sex or no sex relationship, where both parties are consenting to the situation. You clearly aren’t happy with the status quo. Either seek professional help to move forward as a couple, or separate.

You can’t just keep bobbing along like you have been and hoping it’ll sort itself out. It clearly won’t and the longer you leave it to actually have sex, the more intimidating it becomes. Until the elephant in the room is ginormous and you can’t imagine your way around it.

Hey Guys,

I just wanted to update everyone on how things are going. We've had some real serious chats over the last few days. The wife wants to work on things but felt heart broken about our situation.

She knows things aren't right and we've just been avoiding it and just trying to live as normal.

I said I find it difficult to be affectionate and I don't know if I can be intimate with you again - I just feel like the sexual side of things have gone. I was in tears saying this to her.. I love her, but just don't have that attraction no more.

She mentioned she wished we had this conversation a year ago because I purchased a house late last year.

I did say we can try and fix this over the next three months but I don't know if it will change anything. I did ask if maybe she wants to go back to her mums for a few weeks so we can maybe have some breathing space. Maybe it will help - has anyone done that before?

Sorry it's all confusing. This is all so complicated.

Glad you guys are working on it OP. If it's just that element of your relationship you can probably work through it, I don't agree that you can't get it back. I think the more you get used to it together again the better and more relaxed you guys will be with intimacy generally. Saying that you don't sound too optimistic so maybe it is over. Good luck!

Good luck OP. I hope things work out for the best x

There was a really good series of articles in the Guardian last week about all aspects of sexual desire. Might be worth a read.

Do you love your wife or are you IN love with your wife? Because it reads like you have a very platonic relationship at this point. Does the fear of divorce/leaving her terrify you because you’ll be losing the love of your life, or because you’re in a comfortable phase of life and can’t imagine starting fresh? It’s obviously an upsetting time regardless but if the upset stems from your life changing instead of being upset due to losing someone you truly adore and cannot bare to be without, that should speak volumes about the future of your relationship. Must be very difficult for you both, I hope you find a resolution that allows you both to be happy.

I thought I'd give an update on what's going on.

We decided to have a break for a month, so she went back home to her mums. This past month I tried to reflect on things and put everything into prospective. It's been hard and I've kept myself really busy with work/friends. But, I haven't missed her as much as I thought I would, is that bad? I feel horrible about it.

I kinda just got on with my life and was doing things as normal. I feel maybe I need more time.

I have asked if she can move back home for about 3 months. We are working on how to make this possible - or I will move out. She's back in a few days to just sort a few things out in terms of work.

I am a little lost and depressed too. I will be starting therapy/counselling in the next few days. My aim is to try fix this if possible with the help of counselling or make a clean break.

It's all so weird and I am hoping everything gets better again so I can be happy (and her too as I know she's really down at the moment too).

I just want this anxiety and low feeling to go.

@HawkingEmma thanks for your reply.

You made some really interesting points.

It is a "very platonic relationship" - correct.
I do love her, but probably not "in love." Maybe I should try harder.
I sometimes miss her and want to hug her. But, I find it difficult to take it further.

Leaving/divorce does terrify me. Knowing i'll be alone in a house we were going to build together. I am very comfortable but so afraid of the changes as she won't be there anymore. Starting fresh means someone will be replacing her, which also scares me because I feel the memories we made were just a waste. I guess there's history there.

I don't even know if any of this makes sense.

I want a resolution that will make us both happy because I hate feeling like this.

My family (especially my mum) interfered in my relationship quite a bit.

This is why and you mentioned it because you already know it.

What have you done to address your mother's interference?

@PicsInRed we moved away from my parents and I haven't really spoken to them since. But during that period when things were kicking off set a lot of this into motion.

Hey everyone,

I wanted to give you guys an update if anyone is interested.
I think I am also writing this down so it allows me to express my feelings.

So back in August ,I messaged to say we had a break from each other for about a month. Since then, she never came back and we separated. It's coming up to 6 months living alone and trying to adjust my life.

At the moment my life pretty much is work, gym and spending a bit of time with friends. I've started some new work projects and looking to do up the house. It's a way to keep me busy and focused.

At first everything felt right and I needed this time. I still feel I need some more alone time.

However, as Christmas is coming up and I see couples, the markets, families are going to be together and opening presents. I am starting to miss what we had. The loneliness is kicking in.

I see images of her in my head and I break down. I guess this is normal.. I was thinking of arranging a day for us to go out, but I don't know if it's fair on her.

For the love of God let her go.

You aren't really interested in her, you just don't want to be "single". She deserves a full married life, including genuine intimacy, sex and children - none of which she will achieve with you.

Leave her alone and work on yourself.

Just kiss and let it lead to we're it goes

You haven’t missed her until the festive season came upon us. Now you want that ‘family feel’...but when Christmas is over?....

It’s not fair to play with her feelings just to fill the ‘seasonal’ holes in your life.

Perhaps this Christmas consider mending things with your own family instead and let her be.

Please dont ask to see her thats not a good idea and would be really hurtful for her. Let her try to move on.
As a pp said perhaps use the festive season to make amends with your family.