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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He’s working abroad

56 replies

flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:10

My OH is working abroad in a country he visits every few months. He’s been away for 2.5 weeks and is due home on Monday.

Last night he stayed out til 6am and was upset when he confessed him and work colleagues took cocaine. They also took it last Friday.

He went out tonight and someone from the workplace over there has tagged him in photos. He seems very close to a female colleague in the photo and I can’t sleep.

I don’t know I’m reading into it too much. He has his hand round her shoulder and she’s leaning into him. Looks like a photo we’d take together as a couple.

Then the other photo is a group but the way it’s taken it looks like she’s sat on his knee.

I can’t sleep and will be up at 6am with two kids.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info]

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:13

He has text sporadically but I think has either turned his phone off or wifi off as my what’s apps are not delivering straight away.

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 12/05/2019 03:18

How long have you been together? I'm sorry but this doesn't sound good.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:19

10 years together

OP posts:
Birdie6 · 12/05/2019 03:20

It sounds pretty bad, OP. If you only see him every few months, and while he is away he is partying, taking drugs and getting close to other women..... I think you could do better.

Friday2019 · 12/05/2019 03:20

Sorry Flowers but if that was my OH then I would also be suspicious. I think you need to calmly ask him about it. Don't wake him up to ask, wait until tomorrow and don't ask him in front of the children in case things escalate... good luck

Birdie6 · 12/05/2019 03:21

So the kids are his kids ?

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:23

He’s home for the majority of the time. Travels to this country 4 times a year for 2 weeks usually.

She has called the photo something along the lines of these people value me but only tagged him in it.

Hes abroad just now. This photo has just been taken. He’s home Monday.

I’ve asked him not to take drugs. He promised it would only be once or twice a year but it’s been twice in a week and he’s no doubt taking it tonight too.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:24

Yes, both kids are his. I don’t have Instagram and usually don’t ever log into his but for some reason I did tonight.

OP posts:
Monty27 · 12/05/2019 03:24

OP please wake up and smell the coffee.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:25

He texted to say he’s back in the hotel (it’s 4am there) so I asked if he’s in his room (other his colleagues room) and his WiFi went off and then back in about 15 mins later but he’s not opened the message.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:28

I sent the photos to my sister and she claims it’s nothing to worry about (she would say that however). She’s not seen the latest picture where it looks like she’s on his knee. She’s probably asleep. I’m so confused

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:48

So what do I do?

He will call tomorrow, do I ask then? Is there any point in asking?

My instinct is to text him right now and say you cases are packed and can be collected Monday on the front step enjoy your holiday whilst I raise our kids. but I don’t know if that’s dramatic plus he’s got no where to go

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:49

Do I try to call him now? He’s ignoring my text messages.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 12/05/2019 03:55

It all rests on if you believe your relationship is over and you believe he’s cheating, if so then send the ultimatum. It doesn’t sound much of a relationship even if he’s not, you are apart too much. What do you want and need now?

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 04:01

Out of the 12 months of the year he is away for approximately 2 months (spread out) and works from home the rest so I doesn’t feel like we’re apart too much.

If he was cheating and I had evidence it would 100% be over. It’s just the doubt I feel. I don’t think he would cheat but no one does right?

Tried to call and he’s turned his WiFi off I think so it’s not letting me connect to him (the country doesn’t have mobile signal so everything is on WiFi and WhatsApp).

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 04:03

It’s just so boring. Sitting at home with toddler watching him partying. He works hard but also relaxes a lot over there. Then there’s the drugs situation. He knows I dislike it yet continues to do it.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 12/05/2019 04:10

You need to be honest with him, regardless if he’s cheating (which is possible). The drugs and party lifestyle aren’t on as a parent. He may have a good job and you may have left one to become a mum. But right now he needs to grow up and take on some responsibility or lose you all

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 04:13

We’ve been over this a thousand times. Unfortunately he refuses to grow up.

Funny enough when he’s out with me he wants to go home at 12am, no sign of his party animal ways. Can’t get home quick enough. It seems I’m not much fun.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 12/05/2019 04:18

@flamed12 yes u already know what you need to do, all depends on if you are brave enough to go through with it. If you ever need to talk I’m here

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 04:20

Thanks. I’m just so scared.

I’m sick of spending nights with no sleep crying into my pillow as he’s either refusing to come home or abroad on drugs doing god knows what.

It’s been several times over the last year and I think I’m at the point now where I’m done. My kids deserve better and so do I.

OP posts:
Alicewond · 12/05/2019 04:26

@flamed12 here for you if you ever need it, you sound like an amazing mum, you are doing what’s right for them x

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 06:09

It’s 7am over there he’s finally turned his phone on and back in the hotel. As suspected he has been taking cocaine.

I told him his stuff would be waiting for him. His response..

What have I done wrong?
Your acting like I’ve done something?
What have I done?
I’ve not done anything except get wasted.
Are you really going to throw our life away over a night out.

OP posts:
Phillipa12 · 12/05/2019 06:21

I would reply with." You know precisely what you have done wrong as we have been over this a thousand times. I am not throwing our life away, you are by continuing to take drugs. Oh and on a side note whos the female that you seem very cosy with on instagram!"

SinkGirl · 12/05/2019 06:22

He is gaslighting you.

This is not about a night out. This is about his overall behaviour and a cumulative problem.

If this was the first time he’d done this, I’m certain you wouldn’t be talking about leaving.

You’ve already had conversations about drugs so that’s clearly an ongoing issue.

Why does he think it’s okay to act like a single carefree man while you’re at home taking care of his child alone? I would be so bloody resentful. He can’t help the fact he has to travel for work, but acting like this is disrespectful to you.

What if one of these benders ended in critical injury / illness or death? He’s massively irresponsible. And then the fact that when he’s around you he acts differently.

On top of that, there’s the potential cheating issue but to me that’s secondary at this point.

Don’t let him make you doubt himself. If you do let him back, make sure you find a reason to go away for a few nights while he’s at home manning the fort, and that you post lots of photos of you snuggling up to random men while off your face. Maybe he would get it then.
(Just kidding - he wouldn’t, but also don’t stoop to his level)

RantyAnty · 12/05/2019 06:25

turn your phone off now and ignore him.

You've warned him about the drugs and nonsense and he didn't take you seriously.