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Original poster

He’s working abroad

56 replies

flamed12 · 12/05/2019 03:10

My OH is working abroad in a country he visits every few months. He’s been away for 2.5 weeks and is due home on Monday.

Last night he stayed out til 6am and was upset when he confessed him and work colleagues took cocaine. They also took it last Friday.

He went out tonight and someone from the workplace over there has tagged him in photos. He seems very close to a female colleague in the photo and I can’t sleep.

I don’t know I’m reading into it too much. He has his hand round her shoulder and she’s leaning into him. Looks like a photo we’d take together as a couple.

Then the other photo is a group but the way it’s taken it looks like she’s sat on his knee.

I can’t sleep and will be up at 6am with two kids.

[Edited by MNHQ to remove identifying info]

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 12/05/2019 06:29

So his phone was deliberately off in a hotel for 3 hours? Hmm He takes cocaine, is lapping up female attention, and can't see what's wrong with this. Don't blame you for your decision op.

Nc1548 · 12/05/2019 06:36

His reply sounds like "tell me what YOU know I've done so I can gaslight you without admitting the stuff you don't know".
As someone said before if he doesn't see a problem with doing cocaine, regardless of the cheating, I wouldn't want him as a partner. I don't think that his reaction to going out with you means you're boring, probably means his mind is elsewhere, maybe women, maybe drugs, either way not his wife and kids.
I'm sorry OP Flowers

Weenurse · 12/05/2019 06:52

Yup, phone off for you and let him stew.
Pack his bags so he knows you mean it.
Separate and make sure he knows the conditions for him returning, these include no drugs.
Good luck 💐

MyOtherProfile · 12/05/2019 07:09

Do you have screen shots of the photos?

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 07:48

Yes I have screenshots. I was going to send them to him but I felt that showing my cards too soon will stop me getting any further information. To make it sounded like “tell me what I’ve done wrong so I know what to admit to”.

OP posts:
thepinkp · 12/05/2019 07:53

Take another look at the photos are you married and if you are can you see a wedding ring in these photos? Sorry it's not looking good, I've been there and once the seed of doubt creeps in the jigsaw pieces start to fit. Where is he just out of interest? Phone isn't off btw it's on airplane mode.. I know all the tricks.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 07:54

I know the drugs is enough to leave but honestly we’ve been here before so many times. Also cocaine in our area is so rife. Lots and lots of people do it and seem to think it’s totally normal - so whilst it is wrong it’s almost hard to leave him over as it’s like alcohol to some extent for our age group and area.

That’s why I ask and ask and ask but he continues to take it. I’m sure we will see the consequences soon where a lot of early thirties people drop dead due to heart attack’s in our area.

The photo is therefore really significant because him travelling is all based on my trust that he would never cross that line. If he does it’s 100% over I feel so strongly about it.

The more I look at the photos the more I’m convinced but then doubt myself. I phoned my mum who came round to see me. She agreed the photos were inappropriate but won’t comment too much. She certainly doesn’t want to see us split up and anyway doesn’t know the full story we have been through regarding drugs.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 07:56

We actually get married in less than a year. And guess who has had sleepless nights whilst he’s been away trying to plan and organise it... me!!

The thing is I assume the female knows about us. She tagged him in the photos and therefore sees me on his Instagram. Although OH hasn’t updated Instagram since 2014 but I’m sure she does know about me and the kids.

OP posts:
SinkGirl · 12/05/2019 07:59

From now on, as far as he’s concerned, you act like you’ve either been a fly on the wall for his whole trip, or you have a crystal ball. Do not confirm or deny what you know as he will then just fly into the script.

If he asks things like “what have I done wrong?” bat it back to him with “you know what you’ve done”. Then turn off your phone. Don’t give him the opportunity to trivialise what you do know.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 08:07

Thanks that’s good advice.

He’s in a country where he needs WiFi to communicate. So at 3am (4 his time) he What’s app me saying I’m in the hotel. So I say ok in your room? That’s delivered. Then I say ??? Then hello? And all delivered but phone goes off line so any other messages are not sent.

That’s until 7am when he finally reconnects. He texts saying sorry babe we went to xyz house (a colleague). I phone him and he says he went to the house. Usually he would go to somewhere and connect to the WiFi. He deliberately stayed offline.

I ask who was there he lists all males.

I ask if he took drugs he says yes. I say I asked you not to. He said oh but we were having such a good time. I say yes it looked like you were having a good time with (female name).

He stutters and says yes she was at the pub.

I then say your bags are packed collect them on the door step and ivebbooked you into a hotel and hang up.

Then he texts saying oh come on what have I done? I’ve done nothing wrong etc etc. I block him on what’s app so he can’t contact me. Well he could, he could email or contact a family member but he’s probably too out his face to bother and will now continue to sleep for most of the day and wake up around dinner time feeling so sorry for himself.

Meanwhile I’ve had zero sleep and will continue on with two kids.

OP posts:
Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 08:10

Even though I’ve blocked him I can see he was online on what’s app two minutes ago. So he’s obviously still awake. Probably not went to bed. Perhaps went back out as I’m mad anyway.

OP posts:
Weenurse · 12/05/2019 08:10

Well done.

MyOtherProfile · 12/05/2019 08:12

What an idiot.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 08:13

Ohhhh my goodness.

I unblocked him. Called him. He’s still out. Since I’m mad he went out.

I am honestly done.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 12/05/2019 08:16

If you are done you are done it all sounds exhausting

AnyFucker · 12/05/2019 08:18

I wouldn't marry a man like that

He clearly behaves like a single party boy (with all that entaiks) when away "working" and sees no issue with this

He won't stop

AnyFucker · 12/05/2019 08:18

*entails

LemonTT · 12/05/2019 08:19

Can’t you see you are miserable even if he doesn’t see it or doesn’t care? Life’s is too short to be up all night upset, jealous and angry, trying to reason with someone who is wasted and selfish.

Will you follow through with the decision to throw him out? By that I mean do you mean it and you won’t take him back at all. Or is it a grand gesture. If the later, then you are storing up trouble because you are accepting this behaviour. I think you have accepted it in the past and I don’t think you should. The fact that people in your circle do is a bollocks rational. Change your circle or he can stop being a sheep.

You don’t have to live this life. Start by stop contacting him and checking social media. Then make proper plans to be on your own.

Original poster
flamed12 · 12/05/2019 08:25

Thanks. What proper plans do I make.

I’ve taken my share of our savings and secured them in my account.

What do I do next?

He has no where to go so will pay £100 for a hotel his first night but what next?

We’re both named on the mortgage.

I’m am 100% done that’s it I’ve had enough.

OP posts:
Jingers5 · 12/05/2019 08:35

He's partying like a single man with no responsibilities. You deserve much better. He needs his p45 or else a massive wake up call. I'm sorry you see going through all this.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 12/05/2019 08:42

Kudos to you op, drugs are an instant no for me too, and he is acting like a single party animal whilst 'working'Hmm
So you have arranged a night in a hotel when he gets back, anything more permanent he can deal with, he is an adult and can organise regular trips away so let him sort out something for himself, he is not your problem anymore.Flowers

Miniloso · 12/05/2019 08:44

Absolutely no way i could deal with this. You need to be absolutely clear with him. Stop this behaviour NOW or it’s over. Set your boundaries firmly and do not waver. He’s disrespecting you and your family. Tell him you do not want this in your or your kids life and you are 100% prepared to end the marriage/relationship. If he gives you any shit pack his bag. Have a trial separation and see if he is prepared to change. If not, you are well rid.

Miniloso · 12/05/2019 08:46

Just seen your update. Well done, you are doing the right thing.

Miniloso · 12/05/2019 08:49

Also stop checking if he’s online, I know this is really real hard, but it will drive you nuts.

Rock3pillo · 12/05/2019 09:11

This sounds exactly the position I was in 6 months ago. My stbxh used to do this every weekend, go out for a few drinks and stumble home the following day. My weekends were spent with him sleeping all day and not wanting to do anything as a couple. Even couple nights out descended into cocaine fuelled weekends... the long and short of it is he started going out more with colleagues after work and ended up having an affair and leaving me for a married woman at work. I let him get away with this behaviour week in week out so when the affair started he could easily use the excuse of being out for drinks as that was what he did and nothing seemed out of the ordinary.

I promise you OP life is better without them. I also used to check his WhatsApp when he was ignoring me and that was how I pieced together that he was messaging somebody else (always online or recently online). The hardest part for me now is that for this new woman he has 'changed' doesn't take cocaine anymore (she won't allow it Grin) and is seemingly the perfect partner.