Ending a relationship well.

[2elenahandbasket]

I know there isn't any simple answer to this, but what are your thoughts and experiences of ending a long marriage when one of you've just had enough.

20+ years - faithful
Pre-teen and teen kids
Good sex life
OH loves me
I love him.
But he doesn't excite me. Doesn't interest me. I love him for the security he offers me...not because he captivates me.
He's turning into his old man, and I don't want to be married to his old man
The thought of growing old with him. Of retiring with him. Of spending the rest of my life, once the kids don't need me any more..sitting on the couch watching crap tv with him...all terrifying.

I don't want to cause pain. I don't want to damage my kids. I don't want to leave a trail of devastation. I don't want to find myself one day having an affair and destroying everything.

So how should I tackle this? Any ideas gratefully received.

I have no experience here but will watch with interest and take a moment to say I really bloody admire your courage and that you have the confidence to do it for these reasons as I'm pondering similar.

Reading someone else's post though I think just be straight, if you know, you know. Be honest and don't drag it out. Stand firm if you're 100% certain. I think that would make it easier. But recognise the irony in my advice. Good luck!

By be honest I mean just tell him what you've said here if they're the reasons. No point flowering it up. If you know you want out the why's and wherefores seem irrelevant, just say how you feel and why you don't want to continue. That's the conclusion I'm reaching as I consider splitting and mull over the "how the hell would I say it?"

Watching with interest as in a similar position but no kids, and no sex life for the last 5 years. I love him, he is a kind and gentle man and we get on well, but I don’t want to continue in a relationship with him.

How do you tell someone this? We don’t argue, I’ve never raised any issues so how do you bring this up completely out of the blue.

As pp said, be honest and your feelings are your feelings, you don’t have to justify them. However, I can’t seem to follow this advice as terrified of turning his world upside down.

Good luck op.

I’m in a similar situation..

18 years together
2 young kids
Love him but don’t “want”him
Approaching 40 and wondering if this is all life has to offer

... spent the last 2 years trying to decide what to do and still undecided!

Watching with interest! I wonder how many are in this position!?!

I'm guessing quite a few!

I was in a similar position 5 years ago. One day a friend said (he was talking about something else) "Life's too short" and I suddenly realised he was right. The worst part was actually saying the words "I can't do this any more" - after that, although it was pretty awful at times, at least I was able to be honest about how I felt. My children were also pre-teen/teen and it wasn't always easy but I tried to be as honest with them as I could about how sometimes things just didn't work out. I said their dad was a good person, but I couldn't stay married to him any more. He was obviously very shocked and hurt, but I knew it was the right decision. 5 years down the line I feel the same and never regretted it - my life is so much better. The children are all fine and have very good relationships with both of us.

I don't think in this position you can avoid causing pain - I took a while to get there but eventually came to a point where continuing in the marriage was just not possible, and causing pain is something you will have to accept if you decide that separating is best for you.

I am still glad that I can say to the children and my ex with a clear conscience that no-one else was involved - my dad had an affair when I was a teenager and I remember how that felt.

I wish you all the best with this - it was the hardest thing I ever did but definitely the right decision.

It sounds like you are very unhappy and you know what needs to be done, unfortunately there isn't a good or a nice way of doing it. You will leave a trail of destruction, you will have less money and in all probability you will see much less of your kids; however, it's your life and you need to do what's right for you.

Your situation is similar to mine but there are some differences.. cf. Sex life...;)

I'm slightly further down the line in that I've told DP, and our kids are a bit younger. We are making plans to separate.

I really feel for you and would encourage you to accept your feelings. They are totally legitimate.

Would you consider counselling before making your decision? You seem to have quite a bit going for you: sex life, love, liking. This is good stuff. Boredom and staidness can be overcome. Lovelessness, bad sex, active dislike or disrespect: much harder.

Would you and he be open to non-monogamy?? I'm starting to think there is a lot of sense in this approach but obviously it needs mutual agreement otherwise it is just cheating.

@pippakins what you said really resonates with me.
You cant avoid pain, you need to accept that pain is inevitable.
Better to have some pain than a life of meh. Life really is far too short.

But it sounds like there’s a lot going for you: you love each other, good sex life, shared history...

I’d try to reconcile and get back your love before giving up. Wedding viows?

I’m happy to say LTB when a relationship is abusive, but here? Not so much.

Why not try? Talk to your h? See what he thinks. See what you can do to add excitement to your relationship. The grass isn’t always greener.

This exactly is me. The difference here though is both of mine are a lot younger ; both under 10.
I do not love him at all & so as you can imagine , everything he does irritates me , even his pronunciations !!

I work , earn a little more than he does but ....

I think our problems started from him shifting most of his supposed responsibilities to me, even though he could afford footing all the bills... by this said time, I worked in retail with an income of four hundred pounds a month.

Then I found he cheated /had been cheating.

Nah. I no longer hold it against him. However , it generally feels like I do not know him.

I could live an entire year not being intimate with him & it wouldn’t the least bother me.

I’d try not hijack your post.

But yeah, I feel the same way.

Ultimately it is your decision. If this relationship is not enough for you, that is enough of a reason to end it.
If this is the first time you have had problems in 20+ years however, maybe it can be saved.

Oh there's no doubt it could be 'saved'. It's the path of least resistance.

I could just get on with life, find hobbies and interests of my own, meet intelligent and funny people, set myself challenges to keep my brain alive and go home every day to my husband sitting on the couch with nothing to talk about.

We'd carry on having a perfectly good sex life....he knows what works for me, and I him.

We'd carry on having good days...snuggly days, days when being with someone who you feel completely comfortable with is the best feeling ever.

And the kids wouldn't notice any of it. They'd leave home eventually...and tell their partners about how their parents had been together forever and were inseparable.

It does sound like you've decided.

In which case... it will be ok. Or at least I fucking hope so as I'm I the same position!

I have been married 31 years. I wish I’d ended it a long time ago. He’s now retired and I’m realising I feel totally trapped. If we split up now we’d both be left with very little financially and I don’t know how we’d cope.
I just don’t know what to do. Kind loving husband, but he bores me to tears a lot of the time. I stopped fancying him a long time ago. If I were you I’d walk.

@Youwantshoesinashoeshop

Better to have some pain than a life of meh. Life really is far too short.

I guess this is the question. Am I absolutely sure?

If you still love each other would it not be worth going to marriage counselling or pursuing a new hobby together to rekindle some excitement in each other? Seems a shame to throw it all in, especially before the kids leave home (organising visitations, CMS etc. would be an avoidable pain in the ass).

My parents went through what you describe and are now glad that they persevered as they've never been happier.

I think you’re having a mid-life crisis and would be a fool to throw away 20+ years of love, fidelity and a good sex life for short-lived ‘excitement’ and ‘captivation’ (translation = sex with someone new).

Following this thread with interest

I think you'd be very foolish to throw away what you have without even giving your marriage a chance to be saved and change it for the better.

A friend of mine did just what you propose to do, she was very unhappy but the damage was done and she couldn't go back.

Of course he doesn't excite you. You've been together 20+ years. The excitement comes for the frisson of the new, the sexual tension of a fresh flirtation. That is NEVER going to last forever. You have what everyone wants but are hankering after the one thing you can't ever have in a long term relationship. The excitement will leave EVERY relationships some point. What are you going to do? Just keep moving on?

How about talking to him. Telling him how you feel and make a commitment to moving forward together by building more adventure and fun in your life. The fun doesn't need to end but that fresh rush of the wobbles and excitement will never be there after a long time together. You still have good sex ffs. That's amazing. Put some graft in before you walk away from what is otherwise a great relationship.

Always think divorce should be the last option.
Most couples after having children aren’t in love as they have transferred their time and emotional support to the children when they finally leave for university..it hits the couple there is nothing there they have grown apart and don’t know themselves anymore.
You have to really work at it.
When your content this creeps in his content your not .
But you have so much going for you both ,go for counselling.
It’s worth putting this effort in
If then you still can’t ...then decide sooner than later.
You have the basis of a wonderful fulfilling life.
Going into the next stage of life is a bit duller than the previous,
So hope you can both make it work.

Have you spoken to your DH OP? Maybe he feels the same?
A relationship/ marriage is the rock that you build your life on. Once your rock is steady you go and build your life. If you are relying on a long term relationship to supply excitement you are on a highway to nowhere! You will damage your children, you will break your husband’s heart and I don’t believe you will end up happier. Accept your marriage as a safe space and go and look for your excitement elsewhere.

Really not wanting to be judgemental. Want to support you and for that I really want you to hear two things: 1) excitement comes from the unknown. A long term established relationship can be safe, loving, comfortable, joyful, tender, warm and deep. But exciting, no. Because there is no risk, no new and no discovery of someone new. But the result of chasing excitement in a relationship is that you will never be able to exist happily in any long term one. Seek excitement elsewhere. Add adventure to you lives together but don't look for what can never be there 2) you are not a passive consumer of your relationship. You are an active participant. Make your relationship what you want it to be. Don't demand the other person to create adventure. Make it yourself.

If in the end the other person is not interested in working on things then you have a problem. But with the mutual love you have and the great sex, you have the basis for a happy life long relationship.