Ending a relationship well.

[2elenahandbasket]

I know there isn't any simple answer to this, but what are your thoughts and experiences of ending a long marriage when one of you've just had enough.

20+ years - faithful
Pre-teen and teen kids
Good sex life
OH loves me
I love him.
But he doesn't excite me. Doesn't interest me. I love him for the security he offers me...not because he captivates me.
He's turning into his old man, and I don't want to be married to his old man
The thought of growing old with him. Of retiring with him. Of spending the rest of my life, once the kids don't need me any more..sitting on the couch watching crap tv with him...all terrifying.

I don't want to cause pain. I don't want to damage my kids. I don't want to leave a trail of devastation. I don't want to find myself one day having an affair and destroying everything.

So how should I tackle this? Any ideas gratefully received.

I was on the receiving end of such actions. My ex-husband decided a full 5 years and before 2 children that he was going through the motions with me and family life, I presented everything your DH does in terms of family, security and reliability. My ex ended up having an affair rather than talk to me. I wasted 5 years of my life (although my children completely make up for that) and when the affair came to light his breakdown involved 'he just couldn't face faking it' with me anymore but didn't have the courage to tell me how he felt.

I can tell you the way he went out about things blew my family apart, impacted my children deeply and caused immeasurable pain. I would have taken his honesty over how it ended any day and I would have been hurt but I would have understood and let him go. Fast forward 4 years and I have a different life entirely and I am so very happy and glad that my life wasn't wasted on someone who doesn't feel for me the way a person should when they love you. It also made me realise that in hindsight I wasn't happy either and now I can truly say that I am.

Please tell your DH, you owe him that. The rest is down to your dynamic as a couple. Good luck.

I'd like to add we were married for 18 years and had 3 children together.
He wanted out of the marriage for the last 5 years and I was 32 when he left and am 38 now and love my new life. I don't agree at all with his methods but I'm thankful that I got to make my own decisions and live my life on my own terms.

I've just had someone whoni thought was a friend here telling me it's all wrong... I shouldn't be pursuing separation, yada yada ...

Nah. Trust your gut. I should have years ago.

DM1209. I’m so glad to hear you are happy. Did you meet somebody else? Did your ex husband?

I completely agree with posters about discussing it early on, but I think OP may no longer be at "early on" - nor was I on our first conversation. I hadn't realised how far I'd come in my feelings and suddenly did. She can't turn back time now. I think I have probably mislead my DH that I wasn't as far on as I am and so we've spent a year "working on things" - whole other thread as to whether we have both actually put in the effort, but we've got to a point now where as OP said, we could carry on like this forever, things ok, but I know feelings have changed for me and won't come back. I'm too gutless to just pull the plaster off, but if I do, there's a good chance I'll look back and think I was very unfair to him for not just saying that in the first place. So on that basis, if she has found herself knowing she's done, and is convinced she is, surely it would be kinder to just do it rather than pretend at working at it?

Although in fairness this relationship does seem to have lots more going for it than mine did and does and, on paper, does sound like it could have a chance through some good communication and a small amount of effort. Possibly worth a try if you think there's a chance he could change. Or if he thinks he can, after such a history is it only fair to give him that chance? Only you know how you feel OP. if your mind is made up and you know it won't change the kindest thing in the long run is probably to just be up front. Rather than give false hope and drag it out.

@Shinyshoe, thank you. I feel life is too precious and has too much value to waste it so when I found out about the affair, I decided there and then I wasn't going to be defined by someone else's weakness and cowardice because that's essentially what it is.
Back then I was entirely devoted to my home and children. Fast foward and I'm back full time in my chosen field of Law in a career I am so passionate about and while I didn't look for another person, my children and my independence were my sole focus, I have met someone who makes me feel like the most wanted, beautiful, sensual and valued being on this planet, I've never known anything like it. The silly thing is my divorce has taught me a lot and I will never take anyone I love for granted ever again. My children are now thriving, life is so very good.

As for my ex-husband. He was convinced he and his married lady friend would have a life after he left us. Present day he is alone and she is still married. I feel sorry for him but would not change a thing in my life now.

Anyone thinking 'is it worth it'? It is because the other person deserves to know and have a life devoid of compromise and deceit. It isn't fair.

It sounds as if you have a normal relationship to me. I'd strongly recommend counselling, so you can be clear on your thoughts for yourself.

I'm going through separation now OP although we've been working on the marriage for years and talking about splitting for months. But it was me who finally pulled the plug. How am I minimising pain? By shouldering nearly all of the stress and change: I've moved out, I've taken the stress of furnishing a new place rather than take too much from the old.

But. We had no sex life. Not ever really in 11 years. He is autistic and when I considered all the things I need from an intimate partner, we just weren't compatible. And that wasn't going to change. The kids are younger than yours and perhaps that makes it easier in some ways although shared care is hard.

I would talk to your OH- that length of marriage deserves that at least - and perhaps seek some counselling for yourself. But if you know, you know. It's hard no matter what you do

@DM1209 I'm so glad to hear that you had a long term positive outcome....though obviously with a lot of heartache on the way.

I have talked to OH. Many, many times over the years. Every time we have time alone without kids...weekends away or whatever, I try to talk about the future...about how he sees it looking when the kids are gone...about what he wants it to look like, what he'd like to do, where he'd like to live etc. And the only response he can give is related to how much sex we'd be able to have. Or that he'd like to live in Bora Bora or something ridiculous.

Have you told him how you feel though? If so, and he's done nothing then, life is short.

You say you’ve spoken to him over the years, but have you told him how you actually feel about life with him in the future? Does he know how unhappy you are? Does he really understand how you feel, and how catastrophic his attitude could be to your relationship?

If all the above have been covered, then I’d say you don’t need a reason other than being unhappy, and that would be the truth wouldn’t it?

It’s very hard OP, I have done it, though very different circumstances.

Firm (as in you’ve made your mind up) but kind.

You say you’ve spoken to him over the years, but have you told him how you actually feel about life with him in the future? Does he know how unhappy you are? Does he really understand how you feel, and how catastrophic his attitude could be to your relationship?

^This. If all this is covered, then yes consider leaving. But make sure he understands how you're feeling first.

How are you OP? Your post really resonated with me as I've been having similar thoughts for some similar reasons for a long time now. Are you any further along in your thoughts?