Ending a relationship well.

[2elenahandbasket]

I know there isn't any simple answer to this, but what are your thoughts and experiences of ending a long marriage when one of you've just had enough.

20+ years - faithful
Pre-teen and teen kids
Good sex life
OH loves me
I love him.
But he doesn't excite me. Doesn't interest me. I love him for the security he offers me...not because he captivates me.
He's turning into his old man, and I don't want to be married to his old man
The thought of growing old with him. Of retiring with him. Of spending the rest of my life, once the kids don't need me any more..sitting on the couch watching crap tv with him...all terrifying.

I don't want to cause pain. I don't want to damage my kids. I don't want to leave a trail of devastation. I don't want to find myself one day having an affair and destroying everything.

So how should I tackle this? Any ideas gratefully received.

Good Morning, and thank you all the overnight posters for giving me some additional views to wake up to.

I need to think carefully about my words, because when I read the posts that talk about how long relationships are never going to be exciting, I am thinking "I didn't say I needed excitement".

I did of course...I said my OH doesn't excite me.

So I'll try to find a different set of words.

OH doesn't interest me. He doesn't have opinions or ideas. He doesn't read or learn, and has next to no ability to drive a conversation. He is not particularly well educated (laziness rather than capability), but nor is he even the least bit practical.

I have made many, many efforts to encourage him to take up a hobby, go somewhere new, or do anything at all that would give his life meaning. But the kids and me are all he requires to fill his life.

It is lovely to be the centre of someone's whole world. But it is also oppressive.

Oh my, your last two paragraphs. Yes. Yes yes yes. I totally get you.

We started discussions in this area more or less a year today. I explained what I felt I wanted from a relationship now, that yes maybe I've changed but if he wants to stay together maybe he needs to as well. He is all you listed. And he hasn't changed. And what I've come to realise and plays a part in my imaginary conversation in my head as to what I'd say - so maybe this will help... There's nothing wrong with who he is and what he wants, that he wants quiet weekends at home, doesn't want to go out, is a quiet man and more interested in others conversing and him joining in than being the driving force. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, it doesn't make him a bad person, in fact I'm sure it would make him the perfect person for someone else. But it doesn't make him the perfect person for me anymore. Hope that helps. Wish I had your courage!

And your last sentence. I've said that myself.

I think your last post is right about being the centre of someone's world. It's a heck of a responsibility to put on you and can create a dullard. I would have words about how you see things looking in the future and that it doesn't look too great unless he can become something more than a doting poodle.

This is such a difficult decision, feel for you. 😕

We'd carry on having good days...snuggly days, days when being with someone who you feel completely comfortable with is the best feeling ever

Your last post makes sense as to why you want to separate but you also said the above. So many people strive for "best feeling ever" so proceed carefully.

How old are you? I suspect there is an age relate crisis that we go through and whilst its painful it could also be temporary.

Can you access solo counselling?

If you have already in all honesty made your mind up, without ever mentioning a word about the direction your thoughts have been moving in, and without giving some kind of counselling a go, I'd think you are behaving badly and he would have every right to feel very pisssed iff and you would find it difficult to think you had handled this in a reasonable way.

If you genuinely want to treat him with respect and also your marriage and children, then I think you need to be prepared to talk about it with as much of an open mind as possible and if he's up for it, engage with some kind of relationships counsellor. The end result might be the same as you are currently thinking, but I think that to throw in the towel without actually engaging with the other person about it, is to be honest quite despicable.

So I think you are absolutely right to confront your feelings. It is right to recognise the aspects you don't like but I'm glad you can see the good things too. It is a real shame if you have got to a point of no return in your thinking, totally on your own and without engaging with him. If at all possible I would consider whether you really are there and if not,mustard engaging and trying to be open to the possibility of it being saved. Being saved doesn't have to be a second best or a disappointment but can mean a reinvigorated and happy or joyful marriage. Lots of people have managed it if they have given it a chance. Lots of people also haven't managed to save their marriage but at least they know they did fully give it a chance. Personally I think you owe yourself and all your family that. If you can't give everyone including yourself that chance, then I think you have to accept that the unavoidable pain and difficulty that a separation will bring (often with good long term effects - I'm not saying it's wrong to separate) will be such that your failure to engage about it before it was too late, will be more down to you than it needed to be. Try not to be in that position and to have to face that responsibility and at least be willing to engage.

Gosh...I thought I might get a flaming with this post and never imagined I would find such kindness and empathy. So thank you all

I am late forties @lifebegins50 I know there's a whiff of mid life crisis about me.

@Needsomebottle I am not courageous. Not in the slightest. But you say you started this conversation a year ago, so you must be. Can I ask how that went...that very first time that words (that can't ever be taken back) came tumbling out?

You are courageous because it seems like you know. And are going to make the step. I knew then but am not sure i will ever have the courage to make the break.

On a sunny afternoon when he was at his most happiest he's ever been in our relationship and had told me that a couple of months before, I couldn't live with the huge disparity anymore and just said "I'm not happy and I haven't been for a long time" and we started there. Much of the conversation was over events leading to it which I won't go into here so as not to hijack, but I've mulled that over over the last year when considering, if I ever do have the courage to do it, what I would say in that conversation. I think if I reach the point where I know I want to split I wouldn't go over old ground and how I've ended up here. Just focus on it being how I feel now and why I don't feel it can change.

Saying what your concerns and fears are (and I hope you can say those rather than having to say about of the blue 'it's over' speech) will be really hard. Mustering your communication skills is an imperative here and something you owe to yourself and him. It will be hard and very upsetting to you both. Perhaps if you had pushed yourself to speak sooner, steps could have been taken to improve things before they got to the stage they are...maybe not. However, now is the time to speak and to do it honestly and kindly.

Think about lomg term relationships and what they do and don't deliver and about the role that each person has to play in terms of making it work for them and the other person and the role they have to play in making their own life work for themselves too - that there is a role for the other person, but also responsibility on the self too.

Think carefully about if you can have the conversation without saying it is over and can make suggestions about possible next steps, even if you don't feel hopeful. Having this kind of conversation is very different to a 'it's over and there's nothing you can say or do to make me consider it any further' overstating which is what some people have.

Absolute best of luck in pulling your thoughts together on your feelings and what to do.

OP, I've only scanned the replies so apologies if this has been discussed.
But have you thought of counselling for yourself? It was amazing for me and I never thought I would say that. It made me realise why I wanted to leave and that those reasons were okay.
It also helped me tremendously though the separation as there were times I needed someone separate to talk to.

Basically your DH is boring and you are bored with him. So you need to ask yourself what you do want as he clearly isn't what you want?

Is it a new relationship you need and long for or just to do interesting things, travel and enjoy life and talk to others who are like minded? Once you decide what you want, just go for it and if it means divorce then you have to do it. You only have one life so live it

I felt the same after 15 yrs, so I left. New partner, new career it's all good.

Should I finally end it?
My relationship with OH has been a rollercoaster for too long. Now he’s gone for the weekend to give me space etc. In brief the last 8 years have been difficult to say the least but I’m not one to give up (probably to my detriment) it was good to start 3+ years but recently my resentment has increased that I’m struggling to keep it in check & I’ve become increasingly snappy & nasty to him. I have 2 teenage daughters & they too want a happier calmer life & a happier me. At the outset he was that caring, supportive great person, but I feel so many situations which he has caused have ruined things to probably beyond repair. Such as 3 court cases for drink related incidents (2 driving & currently banned & we live in rural area) this makes him unreliable within our business, works when it suits him etc. All the negative stuff that comes with being a drinker, tried professional help but gave up despite promising me he would do it. He has been a big drinker since I knew him which steadily got worse to becoming dependent. My friends & family & even his own family tell me they’re amazed at how I’ve stuck it so long. Yesterday I flipped out big time, not proud of the verbal stuff that just poured out after he picked fault with me over a stupid thing but it was like a switch had flicked! I’m struggling mainly with being overworked/my thyroid meds have just been adjusted too I’m not at my best.
So I’ve explained all that to him hoping for a bit of support/understanding.
God knows I’ve been so supportive with his drink issues/loss of his father/guilt etc. Now I just need a bit of support back & all I’m getting is ‘take your tablets’ ‘see someone to get help’ says he’s had to leave as I’m not a nice person & scary to be around. At no point has he even half admitted that my behaviour is down to resentment that’s built up for a long time. I’m not like it with anyone else, his denial & ability to blame me is beyond belief. I’ve admitted I’m not proud of my outbursts. Should I just give up & move forward for mine & my kids sanity?

Just wanted to offer my support and follow this thread as I'm feeling the same.
Together 18years and 3 kids except I'm only in my mid 30's😬

OP, just imagine a rainy weekend without him. Are you happy by yourself? Are you content with the fact is not sitting on the sofa and will never sit there again? Does the thought of going to sleep and waking up alone fill you with joy? Are you prepared to be single for the rest of your life? If the answer to all above is yes then it's time to move on.

Don't take it as a given that if you break free from this marriage then you will end up in a fairy tale romance with someone else. It's not necessarily going to happen. It's only if you're happy with your own company then you should take the risk.

If you imagine life with him gone, does it feel happier, better than it is now? Can you somehow orchestrate a couple of weeks break to see if you miss him? Can't you talk carefully to him and say how bored you are and attempt some changes together before going down the separation route?

Hi.
So first of all sending you lots of love op.
I guess my only thoughts are there are a lot of people saying they feel the same at similar stages in their marriages and life. Things are different for us as we are trying to salvage our marriage after a traumatic time and short affair he had.
However having been through this has caused me to discuss marriage with a lot of people, quite a few of them older couples and I would say they have all mentioned times when they almost fell apart, when one of them was unhappy, or they were both unhappy, and they worked through it and are happier for it. These are people with marriages of between 30 and 45 years.

So I would say love and interest, excitement, passion, companionship and happiness are all important, but that they dip and wane at certain times. Life gets in the way, and that is common in marriages and all relationships as we cannot live with the hormones and craziness of the first year or two max of a relationship. You also get into patterns, into a rhythm of life that becomes boring, where you are almost living separate lives, and it could be you are bored with other aspects of your life too. So just consider carefully your whole life, what you can do individually to improve it also, and yes say something to him so if he wants to you have the opportunity of working together to improve things. Also remember every relationship has the potential to get boring, so a new relationship could be great but that will have to be worked at too. Other advice I have had from older couples is to have your own interests, own lives also, and that all marriages have to be worked at. Interestingly lots of people seem to have had shocks that have brought they back together-illnesses, loss etc.
I have no idea what will happen with our relationship, but some of the aspects of considering our future and not just sitting back and letting life happen are bringing us closer. It’s just a thought really, sit back and imagine how things used to be, ask him if he is willing to work to get to a better place for you. Maybe even have a trial separation but agree to date again if you like! There’s lots of options. Just be careful throwing so much away.

I would actually book some joint counselling and tell him you don't want to be centre of his world anymore and is he willing to change?

At least then you can walk away knowing that you told him and he decided that he either couldn't or wouldn't change.

Your most recent post sheds a different light on things. I can understand how you feel. You sound as if you want totally different things from life. I wish you luck.

"Sorry, OH, but you're not quite good enough - I like the security but you don't float my boat any more. And I would really appreciate your being nice about this and not making a fuss, if that's ok?"

Good luck with that, OP, because I'm wondering why on earth he should he 'maximise' your divorce experience. Your family seem to be his world. You'll get the response he feels and it would be colossally selfish to expect anything else and to guilt him over the DC, expecting him to do it your way.

@canveyisland I couldn't agree more. I am an absolute twunt. But I'm not asking how to make this easy for me, I'm asking how to make it less hard for the people who will inevitably be hurt.

How to make it less hard requires involving him in discussion before you’ve made a decision, rather than being presented with a fait acompli, which is simply disrespectful. Showing respect is so vital and it means having conversations early enough, even if they are difficult.
It also means being clear in your mind that the things you’ve mentioned as things you don’t like about him are not character flaws and he should not be told they are and he is to blame for being who he is. He shouldn’t be given an ultimatum to become a person he isn’t. If he’s who you married and chose knowing who he is, but you have changed or what you want has changed, own this to yourself and tell him that. You will feel shitty, because hearing that the person you are is no longer what your spouse wants is a shitty thing to hear.

I'm asking how to make it less hard for the people who will inevitably be hurt

You can't.

I second PPs above - the only way to make this fair is to discuss your feelings with your DH first, and give him a real chance to change. You also owe it to your family to reassess your own life and see where you can inject excitement and interest (e.g. take up new hobbies, travel, change jobs etc.).

It's not fair on your children to give up on your marriage without giving it a second chance, and you can't expect your DH and DC to not resent you for giving up without trying counselling or taking appropriate steps towards improvement.

I would be heartbroken if my DH upped and left, seemingly on a whim, with no option to improve our marriage. Even more so if that meant that I would be unable to spend as much time with my children in their final years at home before they became adults.

I understand your position, but I think counselling would be a rational first step before splitting up your family and expecting them to accept it with minimal upset...