Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Boyfriend and his ex partners children

74 replies

Messycooker · 09/05/2019 19:51

I'm looking for some advice and opinions on how to tackle a sensitive subject. I am divorced with two children and have been seeing this wonderful man for a year now, we are about to buy a house together and have a good honest relationship.
3 years ago he split from his then girlfriend, they had been together for three years and they lived together with her two children in his house. He has assured me that he is over his ex girlfriend but is devastated about losing contact with the children, who his ex will not let him see. So three years on he still has their things in every room of his house. The kitchen cupboards have their cutlery, cups and plates in them and the kitchen has their drawings and pictures they have drawn of mummy and daddy stuck on the walls. The bathroom has their shampoos in and bath toys are still out. The living room has large framed pictures of them on the walls, the office is full of framed pictures they have drawn.
Now I'm not jealous of this relationship they had but I feel like he has not moved on and is waiting for them to come back. I have said I will support him and help him with this but in a year everything is still there and I really don't know how to approach this when we are moving? I feel very uncomfortable having another families photos in my house. I actually feel uncomfortable that he has not moved on from this, but I'm not sure why or if I'm being unreasonable. Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:
CalmdownJanet · 09/05/2019 20:08

Well before you buy the house you need to talk about this, do not buy until you do. It sounds like a shrine to them to be honest, which is weird after this length of time but it would be very weird if he moved all their things with him. I think it would be fair for him to box up a few photos/drawings to take but not display but if i were you I definitely wouldn't want any if their things displayed, I assume you have never met these kids?

pusspuss9 · 09/05/2019 20:14

Poor guy. It must be heartbreaking for him. It's like losing your own children, although I can understand where the op is coming from. What a sad situation.

Original poster
Messycooker · 09/05/2019 20:39

I know pusspuss9, he has been so heartbroken about this and I really feel his pain which is why I need to bring it up gently. It's because he gets upset about it that I'm not sure why he's keeping their things on display, that to me is prolonging the pain and being reminded of it every single day

OP posts:
ThatCurlyGirl · 09/05/2019 20:55

@Messycooker This is the kind of thread where I feel like a rubbish "grown up" because I can see both sides and can't think of a solution that's fair on everyone involved :(

You sound like you're really understanding but I totally get why this is a difficult situation for you.

Maybe an open and calm conversation with him is the most basic but most useful thing to do - saying to him, with compassion, that you are struggling with it and wanted to be honest and see what he thinks?

Thanks
pusspuss9 · 09/05/2019 20:59

Messy, you sound very caring and understanding as Curly has said. I think you will find a way.

DaisysStew · 09/05/2019 21:01

He was a big part of their lives and probably grew to love them like his own, to not be able to see them anymore must be heartbreaking. These pictures and trinkets are all he has left of them. I can fully understand you being uncomfortable though, and think that a gentle conversation may help. If not you need to decide it it’s something you can live with.

DaisysStew · 09/05/2019 21:02

Not sure why all my paragraphs disappeared from my post Hmm hopefully it still makes sense.

SavingSpaces2019 · 09/05/2019 23:45

I am divorced with two children and have been seeing this wonderful man for a year now, we are about to buy a house together
Why are you desperately rushing into this after just a year?
He's clearly still hung up over his previous life.....your dc shouldn't be used to fill the void left by the others.

Mintandthyme · 09/05/2019 23:48

How old are your own children?

sprouts21 · 09/05/2019 23:58

This is extremely odd behaviour after three years.

I agree with a pp that it is far too soon to move in together.

RaffertyFair · 10/05/2019 00:04

I really don't know how to approach this when we are moving?

Tbh I'm not sure how you have got to the position of making such an enormous financial and emotional commitment without having broached the subject.

It does seem to suggest he has not fully accepted the loss of his relationship with those children. If that's the case, I don't think he's in the right place to be making a commitment to a new partner - especially one with children.

What is the rush to buy a house together. A year is not long.

Chocmallows · 10/05/2019 00:08

He's not fully available until he has grieved for the loss. He needs help - therapy - to move forwards and not pressure to move.

SwimmingKaren · 10/05/2019 00:15

Hopefully the new house will mean a fresh start for you both. It sounds awful but after three years the children will have moved on and possibly would no longer be at an age where they would be playing with bath toys etc anyway so while it will hurt him to leave that period of his life behind, there’s no practical reason for these things to come with you.

Musti · 10/05/2019 09:06

He may just have had no need to get rid if their stuff? My ex never got rid of anything.

I can't believe you're moving in with a man after just a year though!

hellsbellsmelons · 10/05/2019 09:18

You need to seriously discuss this before moving in together.
It must be very tough on him but you are right, to keep all this stuff on display is just prolonging the agony.
I've no idea how you tackle it though.
It's not going to be easy.

Original poster
Messycooker · 10/05/2019 09:19

Saving spaces there's no desperation here, moving in together just feels like the right thing to do for both of us. We're not in a hurry either, there are houses to sell first.
Do you think keeping things around the house means he's hung up on it? I have asked him about them before, just not said I'm uncomfortable with them. He shrugs it off like it's a normal thing to do

OP posts:
Pinkmonkeybird · 10/05/2019 09:21

I wouldn't move in with him until this is resolved. It's very soon to be buying a house with someone you've only known for a year!

Original poster
Messycooker · 10/05/2019 09:24

Musti I think there could be some of that involved. His house is very minimal and neat though, he is deliberately keeping these things.
I've had no doubts about moving in after a year so far, our relationship works very well. We've both said that were waiting for the right house at the right time, should probably have explained that a bit clearer!

OP posts:
S1naidSucks · 10/05/2019 09:27

Sorry OP, but this is like watching a slow car crash, but in your case you can see nothing because you’re wearing a blindfold.

Original poster
Messycooker · 10/05/2019 09:29

Hellsbellsmelons yeah you've summed that up nicely, I've bought this up in a very gentle way before but haven't told him I'm uncomfortable with these things and photos in the house.
He treated his ex's children as his own, they were babies when they were together, so to him he's lost his children. I really don't know how long it takes to get over such a thing or if you can even put a timescale on it to say enough is enough if you know what I mean

OP posts:
Original poster
Messycooker · 10/05/2019 09:31

S1naid tell me why

OP posts:
Windmillwhirl · 10/05/2019 09:35

He needs therapy. He needs to grieve for those children. Wishing you and your lovely man the very best.

I have a few friends that moved in and bought quickly and are ridiculously happy a decade on. I know of others that took their time and have since separated. Do what you want. You know this man better than any of us.

ItStartedWithAKiss241 · 10/05/2019 09:36

Hello. My ex-husband had a daughter who I loved and now have no contact with. I keep one photo of her and me in my bedside drawer and one of her hair slides.
The rest of her stuff was boxed up in the attic until my ex-husband took it x

S1naidSucks · 10/05/2019 09:37

You’ve only been in this relationship a year and already talking about buying a house together, when you can clearly see that he’s still grieving from his last relationship. This is the honeymoon period and you still haven’t plucked up the courage to discuss the fact that he has all that stuff in the house. You sound like (and I’m not saying this to be insulting) a love sick teenager, rather than a mature woman. Have you both discussed what the split on the house will be, if you split up or what happens if one if you dies?

MamaDane · 10/05/2019 09:47

Are you worried he's not over his ex wife, the children, or the life he had with the ex wife and kids?

If the case is the first or last one, then you've got a huge problem and he still needs time to move on.

If the case is only the children, I think you should be supportive of the feelings he's having. If he considers them his kids, although they may not biologically be his, imagine the grief he's going through. Let him keep the pictures and don't be jealous of them. Don't let them make you uncomfortable to the point of you telling him to remove them because imagine how hurt he feels. Support him, hang them on the wall, ask him about his kids.

Swipe left for the next trending thread