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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Boyfriend and his ex partners children

74 replies

Messycooker · 09/05/2019 19:51

I'm looking for some advice and opinions on how to tackle a sensitive subject. I am divorced with two children and have been seeing this wonderful man for a year now, we are about to buy a house together and have a good honest relationship.
3 years ago he split from his then girlfriend, they had been together for three years and they lived together with her two children in his house. He has assured me that he is over his ex girlfriend but is devastated about losing contact with the children, who his ex will not let him see. So three years on he still has their things in every room of his house. The kitchen cupboards have their cutlery, cups and plates in them and the kitchen has their drawings and pictures they have drawn of mummy and daddy stuck on the walls. The bathroom has their shampoos in and bath toys are still out. The living room has large framed pictures of them on the walls, the office is full of framed pictures they have drawn.
Now I'm not jealous of this relationship they had but I feel like he has not moved on and is waiting for them to come back. I have said I will support him and help him with this but in a year everything is still there and I really don't know how to approach this when we are moving? I feel very uncomfortable having another families photos in my house. I actually feel uncomfortable that he has not moved on from this, but I'm not sure why or if I'm being unreasonable. Any advice would be much appreciated

OP posts:

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 09:57

MamaDane thank you so much for this.
I have no concerns at all that he can't move on from his ex or their life together. It very clear that this is not an issue for him and he is a kind and loving man that is always there for me. He is not over losing the children and yes you're right they were his children.
I have supported him in this so far, I guess I have let my feelings get in the way of this and I should stop and be there for him. We do talk about the children. Would it be unkind if I suggested a memory box for some of the things ?

OP posts:

Binting · 10/05/2019 09:57

If you feel uncomfortable about the situation regarding his ex’s children then don’t do anything about buying a house together until this is resolved. You have children of your own and you need to ensure that everything with your new partner is as spot on as it can be before you force them to live with him.

I don’t care what anyone else says, buying a house together after 12 months isn’t sensible when you are child-free, even less so when children are involved.

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 10:00

Itstartedwithakiss I'm so sorry to hear that thank you for sharing. That can't have been easy for you and it's nice to hear that you keep some of her things x

OP posts:

Binting · 10/05/2019 10:03

Out of interest, do you know why him and his ex split up and why she refuses to let him see the children? I have a friend who encourages her ex and children to stay in touch as he was a father figure to the children when they were together. It can work.

MamaDane · 10/05/2019 10:08

I don't think it would be unkind to suggest a memory box as long as you make sure to keep his feelings in mind. Make him be the one to select what goes on the wall/cabinet and what goes in the box. If he's not ready to pack it any away then give him time. Kindly suggest a therapist to help him with his grief. But yeah ask him about his kids, pretending they never existed obviously doesn't work for him. It's basically like they've died probably. If he never talks about it, he's probably hurting a lot on his own. You sound like a kind woman

Binting · 10/05/2019 10:12

MamaDane they aren’t ‘his’ children though, they are his ex’s children. I went out with someone for 2 years who had a young daughter who lived with him. I loved her but she wasn’t my child, she had a mother elsewhere.

Pandamodium · 10/05/2019 10:16

Was coming on to say similar my ex-p raised my oldest from a baby to 5. 8 years later she's 13 he still sees her every weekend and is just treated as dad really (her bio-dad has never met her)

I have friends with similar situations. Of course it could be spite but have you ever considered using "Clare's law" with having children yourself? Just Incase there is a good reason he has no contact.

MamaDane · 10/05/2019 10:19

Sometimes biology is irrelevant to your feelings, Binting.

Clearly he sees them as his kids, otherwise he wouldn't be feeling like this.

You cannot use your own example to explain how he, this man in particular, feels. You haven't gone through his life, you haven't lived through the moments he's had with the kids, you are not him and if he sees them as his kids, what use it saying "put it all away, they aren't your kids anyway", do you think that's helpful?

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 10:28

Yes I know why him and his ex split and why he can't see the children. It's a spite thing unfortunately, she cut all contact with the children's biological dad and refuses to let him see them too. We've discussed what would happen if we split and I would be happy for him to continue to see my children, I see no point in stopping theit relationship
Thanks for suggesting Clare's law, very useful to so many women and something I checked before introducing my children.

OP posts:

RaffertyFair · 10/05/2019 11:13

Clearly he sees them as his kids, otherwise he wouldn't be feeling like this.

My concern would be why he feels like that? The OP says he and the ex were only together 3 years, so the relationship must have moved very quickly to living together and him taking on the role of "daddy".

The ex had cut the children's contact with their actual father ut if spite and the DP just went along with that ?

The whole situation sounds totally unhealthy and neither the ex nor OP's DP had the children's best interests in mind.

Binting · 10/05/2019 12:03

MamaDane don’t put words in my mouth. I don’t know the guy but I would like to understand why he is so invested in these children because I get faint alarm bells here.

KindnessCrusader · 10/05/2019 12:10

@RaffertyFair three years is not an insignificant amount of time. We had adopted within that timeframe. He has been a father to these children, he will feel no differently than if his sperm had made them. I can't imagine not being allowed to see my children, I actually can't think of anything worse. I think it's very unfair to call it 'weird'.

lifebegins50 · 10/05/2019 12:11

1 year to make a financial commitment when you have children is very soon.

I would wait another year at least as you are still in the honeymoon period and really won't know each other well.

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 12:47

@binting what do you think your alarm bells are over? I'm asking because I think it's worth exploring opinions. To me, and his wide family and friend network, he is a caring and loving man. He got involved with his ex at a very emotionally difficult time in his life and is open about how it was an unhealthy relationship. I see someone who loved those children and is stuck in moving on. I want to help him move on but I'm unsure as to whether this is even something for me to do or if he needs to do it in his own time

OP posts:

Binting · 10/05/2019 13:06

Messy I just have a very heightened sense of concern when it comes to children. I have to clarify that I was brought up in care and knew an awful lot of children who were abused by parents and step-parents, or mums latest bf.

I am not saying that it the case here, but sometimes people with an unhealthy interest on other people’s children do move in and assume a parental role very quickly.

However, you say your DP is very sensitive and caring which would also account for him finding it difficult to let go of the children’s stuff, especially if the break with his ex was sudden and they/he didn’t have an opportunity to explain things to the children.

I would worry about your children filling whatever gap there is while his previous loss hasn’t been addressed though.

Binting · 10/05/2019 13:11

Also, I do appreciate that he may have been a better ‘parent’ to his ex’s DC’s than his ex was, especially if she withdraws contact with her DC’s to punish the men in her life.

RaffertyFair · 10/05/2019 13:18

KindnessCrusader I dont see how you can liken the relationship to adoption. The OP's DP and the ex manufactured that role by excluding the children's own father which is a massive concern.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 10/05/2019 13:25

If you can't talk to him about how uncomfortable keeping all their stuff makes you, you definitely shouldn't be rushing into buying a house together. Why not just try living together first? How do your kids feel about moving in with him? 1 year is hardly any time to get to know someone.

It's a spite thing

With all due respect, you've only heard one side of it.

RaffertyFair · 10/05/2019 13:25

I'm not saying the DP doesnt have deep feelings for the children, and I completely accept that parents who adopt their children are parents plain and simple.

My concerns are about the OP's relationship with an individual who either allowed himself to be given a parental relationship or active sought a parental relationship when he was not a parent and it was so obviously not in the children's best interests.

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 13:34

Greenfingers I have no problem talking to him about it, I wanted some advice on how to go about this and whether I am right to be feeling a bit off about it or if I should be a bit more considerate.

I totally get that I have one side of the story, not sure what else I can do with this though

OP posts:

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2019 13:35

He got involved with his ex at a very emotionally difficult time in his life And is getting involved with you when he STILL has emotional issues.

Can you not see that he is "History Repeating"?

One short relationship where he seems to have become very emotionally connected. Now another short relationship he is happy to hurry into... more kids to become equally attached to, maybe.

Seriously, take a step back and consider why you want to do this when you have identified something in his personal life that perturbs you?

Do you want to spend your life fixing him? Or do you want an equal, more adult relationship? If the latter stop, and leave your bird with a broken wing to fix himself!

Original poster

Messycooker · 10/05/2019 13:38

Binting you are right to have a heightened sense of concern. This has crossed my mind.

We've both been cautious about his relationship with my children and this has been a slowly developing thing. They have a dad who they both love very much and he is a big part of their lives, I am on friendly terms with him too. I feel reassured that he has not leapt into a relationship with my children at all.

OP posts:

Breezy1985 · 10/05/2019 13:49

I see loads of red flags here, there's just something not quite right. I think he needs to solve his emotional issues before you even consider buying a house with him, maybe if you were child free but I wouldn't be moving my children in with him for a long time yet.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 10/05/2019 13:53

ONE YEAR!

I feel reassured that he has not leapt into a relationship with my children at all. By whom have you been reassured?

Ach! I don't think you are listening...

Windmillwhirl · 10/05/2019 14:01

Let the op make her own decisions. She is a grown up. Jesus Christ.

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