Boyfriend and his ex partners children

[Messycooker]

I'm looking for some advice and opinions on how to tackle a sensitive subject. I am divorced with two children and have been seeing this wonderful man for a year now, we are about to buy a house together and have a good honest relationship.
3 years ago he split from his then girlfriend, they had been together for three years and they lived together with her two children in his house. He has assured me that he is over his ex girlfriend but is devastated about losing contact with the children, who his ex will not let him see. So three years on he still has their things in every room of his house. The kitchen cupboards have their cutlery, cups and plates in them and the kitchen has their drawings and pictures they have drawn of mummy and daddy stuck on the walls. The bathroom has their shampoos in and bath toys are still out. The living room has large framed pictures of them on the walls, the office is full of framed pictures they have drawn.
Now I'm not jealous of this relationship they had but I feel like he has not moved on and is waiting for them to come back. I have said I will support him and help him with this but in a year everything is still there and I really don't know how to approach this when we are moving? I feel very uncomfortable having another families photos in my house. I actually feel uncomfortable that he has not moved on from this, but I'm not sure why or if I'm being unreasonable. Any advice would be much appreciated

Why won't she let him see the children if he was so fond of them and they had such a good relationship with him?

Sorry, playing devils advocate here, but it sounds as though she left the house very quickly if she left so much of their stuff behind.

I fear you have misunderstood the point of the boards, Windmill

OP must have some reservations, why else is she posting? She has invited opinions. She isn't forced to heed any of them!

As she is showing quite well!

it sounds as though she left the house very quickly if she left so much of their stuff behind. I hadn't thought that through! This is a point well worth OP considering!

@RaffertyFair I would say it wasn't his place to dictate relations with the bio Dad-we also don't know what he was told by the mother.
Of course it's like adoption. He took the role of a parent. Of course it's devastating to lose children you have raised as your own. I would be no less devastated to give up my children aged 3 weeks/months/years than I would at 10 years-I'm just commenting on posters that have said it was not a long time to be involved.

No curious. She isn't asking if it's too soon in her relationship to do anything. She is asking about the children.

I am listening to you curious, and yes I have asked for opinions.

I don't see us being together for a year as a big thing, and I have no issues with our relationship. I've yet to meet a single human being that is emotionally enlightened all the time and comes free of baggage and issues. We are all human and generally do our best. This is a man who recognises and talks about an unhealthy relationship and his role in it. I know I wasn't perfect in my marriage either. He does seem stuck on losing the children and it's a question of how willing I am to deal with his emotional issues.

His ex didn't leave that quickly, she cleared out his furniture and took his car. I think he kept what was left and what he could

I hope it works out for you, op.

People are so quick to point out worst case scenarios on here and project gloom. He sounds lovely.

People are so quick to point out worst case scenarios on here and project gloom. Yes, as sometimes that is what posters need. To hear the 'what ifs' that they hadn't worked thogut already.

He sounds lovely. No, he soudns as though he has some emotional baggae and OP needs to work her way through how she feels about tthat.

if, after reading all of those posts here she does not change her mind then her better knowledge of the man will lead her to make that decision. But all she has posted so far is the worst aspects (which is to be expected, as that is what she has an issue with), so we respond based on that.

Usually it is a good process to go through if you have a niggle or two!!

Has he never fought for access? Iirc if you have raised a child from when they were a baby, the court can view you as their parent in the most meaningful sense and award some contact. If he never investigated this, I'd wonder why because if someone tried to stop me seeing my children I'd be doing everything possible to prevent it.

I agree with everyone else that it's too soon to live together. You have DC to consider and he doesn't seem to be in the right frame of mind. If you cannot even talk to him about this issue, then you are not ready to throw your lot in with him wholeheartedly.

Of course it's like adoption. He took the role of a parent.

It is completely different - This man met the children as their mother's boyfriend NOT as a prospective parent.

I would be no less devastated to give up my children aged 3 weeks/months/years than I would at 10 years of course not - because they are your children. This man met some very young young children through a relationship with their mother. Over the period of 3 years they became close - that is completely different from being a parent for 3 years (or 3 months or 3 weeks). He was a step-parent. According to the OP it was an unhealthy relationship so it sounds like there is a great deal for him to unpick, including how he got into that relationship in the first place and why he felt that he was a parent, not a step-parent.

He does seem stuck on losing the children and it's a question of how willing I am to deal with his emotional issues.

Well summed up OP. We may all come with baggage - but some have merely hand luggage and others have industrial sized containers.

Your OP sounded like you weren't acknowledging that your DP's baggage is both unusual and potentially much larger than you seemed to be admitting because you stated that you were about to buy a house together

OP I've seen a couple of similar scenarios to this. A friends DP was in the same scenario as your DP - it was the abrupt withdrawal of contact that affected him the most. He also had many of their things until they moved. I think quite often it is much more difficult to remove items from where they have always been than starting fresh somewhere. I'm finding it hard to describe it but almost as if taking down pictures is as if the DC didn't exist or erasing them wheras if you start afresh these items don't have a 'place' to begin with. You may find once he packs these items they are never unpacked. But before you get to that stage maybe approach the topic by asking if he finds seeing their stuff as a painful reminder? And see if you can frame the move as a fresh start? Or maybe suggest some kind of memory box?

I know you didn't ask for advice/opinions on the following so feel free to ignore! I think 3 years is a substantial period of time to build a relationship with babies in particular as you are there for many of their 'firsts' and you see the personalities emerging. I can understand why the ex has cut him out as she may be in another relationship were the partner may feel uncomfortable with the contact, some people also like a 'clean end' to relationship for example for many people block exs immediately. If she has 5/6 relationships during the DCs childhood she may end with lots of people she doesn't want to have contact with in her life for her DC. I also know lots of people who have moved in around the year mark with children and are still together many years later. I also know lots who have done it and it's broken down. You know this man, your DC and your relationship the best to make that decision.

Good luck OP you sound really understanding of a very difficult situation.

It's a spite thing unfortunately, she cut all contact with the children's biological dad and refuses to let him see them too

I have another red flag OP . From what you've said , your partner was quite happy to take on the parenting role with those children, knowing that his then-partner was spitefully refusing to let their biological father see them. It would concern me, to think that your DP was OK with that arrangement, fathering children whose real father was being stopped from seeing them. To me that raises a whole lot of question marks . Tread very carefully OP.

He seems to like relationships with women with children. I'd be worried he sees yours as a replacement tbh.

Has he said why the relationship ended?

You say her children were 'babies'... sounds like a woman in a vulnerable place getting with a man soon after splitting with the father of her kids.

He's hung up on them. There's probably a good reason she doesn't want him to see them, but give it a couple of years and let us know how you go.

You're not only buying a house with your BF of one year, you're also promising him continuing access to your children in the event of a future split?

All kinds of inappropriate.

He got involved with his ex at a very emotionally difficult time in his life and is open about how it was an unhealthy relationship.

And

Its a spite thing, unfortunately

This sounds suspiciously like the standard "my ex is a spiteful psycho bitch" line OP.

Hi OP he does seem to want relationships with woman who have children, his ex may have been spiteful and it sounds like he’s grieving. He maybe looking for a replacement family.
Secondly does he not want his own children? Are you wanting to have more children. You sound like you have been very understanding, perhaps too understanding.
I would see how he reacts when you talk about the stuff he still possesses and what he’s going to do with them.

His ex didn't leave that quickly, she cleared out his furniture and took his car.*

Something doesn't add up here. Most ppl wouldn't tale a car that belonged to a partner, knowing it was registered in the owners name as the registered keeper and that the owner could easily call the police and report it as stolen.

It's more like he bought her the car, because what would she think she'd get away with it.

You're choosing to believe everything he tells you and it just doesn't make sense... but you're so close and in love, you can't see it.

We've discussed what would happen if we split and I would be happy for him to continue to see my children

I think this is incredibly naive, given you don't know what the reason for the split might be. What if he was mistreating your DC or you? Would you still let him continue to see them?

Then if you have another relationship and split, the next Ex could want to keep seeing your kids. Where do you draw the line.

Alarm bells are ringing and tree flags are waving.

How old is he?
Why was he okay with his ex excluding the bio father? He stood by and accepted this...which was supporting her behaviour...denying the children a relationship with their father. Doesn't this concern you about him?

If he had an Ex that he refused to see their DC, for no reason other than spite, would you be okay with that?

This has all kinds of disaster over it. Your children are the ones I feel sorry for here.

We've discussed what would happen if we split and I would be happy for him to continue to see my children.

This is not ok - after a period of a fair few years maybe, just a year - no. Just no.

Man splits up with partner and her 2 children. Man heartbroken and misses the children. Man meets another woman and quickly wants to buy a house with her and her 2 children to replace the ones he is missing.

I am the ex in your bf scenario OP. I was with mine for 3 years from when my DC's were 3, 6 and 12. The only difference is that I never lived with him as the DC's had been through enough, my marriage to their df ended when the police removed me from the house after getting my jaw broken, I couldn't put them through living full time with another man so I kept my own home. Thank goodness I did.

After 3 years I found out my bf was a huge cocaine addict, he had borrowed a substantial amount of money from me under the guise he couldn't pay his bills. He didn't pay his bills he spent the money I 'lent' him on drugs. I've never got a penny back.

I left him to safeguard my dc's as there was no way I was having them around a drug addict. My ex is now sending me pictures of the children in happier times (all a lie as it turns out!) and saying I'm cold hearted as I won't let him see my dc's and is outraged that I want to 'pretend he never existed'. I am not letting him see them because they would 1. Be at risk and I can't trust him but also 2. I think it would confuse them.

There is another side to this that you aren't fully aware of. be very cautious in taking everything he is saying at face value and also be extremely certain, cover every mm of this man's emotional behaviour before buying a house and moving your dc's in with him. Dealing with the fall out of this is really difficult. Take your time.

There is something about your partner's story that doesn't quite add up OP, as other posters have pointed out.
Did his ex really refuse contact out of spite? If so, why is he surprised that it happened to him, when it happened to the kids biological dad. It just doesn't make sense.
Also the relationship is moving really quickly. You've been together for a year and thinking about moving in. That seems too soon as you have kids yourself.

@Trees - it's not just moving in together - it's buying a house together and making that financial commitment after only a year, which is worrying to me.

OP, is it strictly 50/50 re the mortgage and deposit? What happens if you do split up? who will have the house? You've said that you have already agreed that he can continue to see your children if both split up, that is just such a weird conversation to have with a relatively new DP imo.

If you really must live together why not rent first, or he moves in with you until you really get to know each other post honeymoon phase?

I'm not sure if it's desperation to be in a relationship, or fear that you'll end up on your own with kids.....but way too many women with kids behave irrationally and move too hastily.

There doesn't seem to be any part of you that's questioned or felt his story doesn't add up.

When you're too close to the situation, you can't see what the rest of us can.

Have you met his friends? Family?