Where do I even begin?! (Includes termination)

[ThisIsTheFirstDay]

I'm not too sure where to start with this one, really! I have posted before but I have NC to stay anonymous.

I have been in a turbulent on/off relationship for over 4 years. I love him very much, he clearly doesn't feel the same way anymore but I have massively struggled with letting go and moving on. He left me in a traumatic way a while ago, we sold our house and had no contact for a short while. However, we began talking again and ever since we have had sparodic contact and meet ups (I am purposefully being vague with the dates) I have tried no contact, going on dates with other people, filling my life to the brim with other things, but nothing stops me from saying "how high" when he tells me to jump. I am completely in love with him and I have turned into someone I dont recognise. I dont want to go into too much detail, but I will say - he is awful. (Think emotional abuse et al)

Now, to my current issue. A few months ago I stupidly slept with him. Due to a contraception failure I recently found out I was pregnant, almost 2 months. His initial reaction to this was to say, "when's the abortion?" He then changed his mind 4 times, going from one extreme to the other. As my logical brain knows I cant rely on him I decided to have a termination. I kept him updated throughout and the day before the termination he changed his mind and begged me to keep the baby. I went through with the abortion, not because I wouldn't have loved the baby, or even that I didnt want the baby, purely because I couldn't bring something into this world to be let down continuously by my ex and I didnt think it was fair to bring the baby into an already broken up relationship and a toxic situation.

I am a couple of days into the termination, I am still passing clots/bleeding (thankfully it is slowing down) but it has been a rubbish time and I decided to keep the situation private from family and friends.

My ex has treated me like shit, he has ignored me for days and then when he finally messaged he said this is because I didnt ask him how he is enough. He said I should be grateful he didnt go AWOL when he found out I was pregnant. Despite being told not to drive I had to drive myself home from the clinic because he didnt even offer to pick me up. He has done nothing in terms of emotional support but he has somehow turned it around so it's all my fault, as usual.

I am absolutely broken and exhausted with this whole thing. I apologise for the ramble, I think I am asking for advice/tips on how I can even begin to move on. I dont know how I can love someone so much when they do not deserve it. I am a good person and deep down I know I have never deserved this but I really don't know where to go from here. I cant imagine a life without him in it.

I dont know what I'm after, stories from people who have been through similar and got out the other side? I am struggling to see a way out, he has told me he wants nothing to do with me, I should be jumping for joy, instead I'm heartbroken.

Sorry for the length!

If you keep the baby next time, soon you won't be able to see a way to have a world with him in it, being unreliable for the baby and being a dad who creates a bad model of men in the child's eyes forever. And guess what? You won't be able to get rid of him. You'll have to see him long after he's no longer hot and no longer even the slightest bit interesting to you, because no matter how unreliable and shitty he gets, he'll be your DC's dad, and you'll be obligated to allow contact unless (and sometimes even if) things get really terrible.

So when you think about moving on, remember that. Remember that you're moving on because if you stay with him, you'll come to a point where you'll have to spend 18 years yoked to him via a child. Now that he's used this to manipulate you once, it won't stop.

And there will be a next time, if you once again ask "How high?"

He sounds horrific and frankly unstable. Do you have self esteem issues? Do you believe this is all you're worth? Did you have any healthy relationships prior to this?

If you went with one of the large private UK providers, you could take advantage of the few free post-abortion counselling sessions they will probably offer. You don't have to stick strictly to discussing the termination. Your relationship and this bloke were part of the whole picture.

I wish these men weren't so absolutely fucking typical (of a large number of men in exactly the same situation as yourselves). I dont know what to say apart from the fact that without knowing you, I know you deserve so much better. You deserve someone like you. And even if that person is just you right now, thats better.

I agree with everything the pp said and sorry but what a horrible shit of a man. You are going through all this alone with the added hormonal awfulness that goes along with it and he has made it all about HIM?!
I can only think his behaviour now just shows you that you have made the right decision. What an awful, selfish coward of a man.
Of course you know you deserve better so the only way forward is no contact. That is ZERO contact. Block him on every medium you can think of and never speak to this shit head ever, ever again.
You need to break the limerance and only no contact will do it.
You can do it. This is the only way.

Ps please confide in a friend. Don’t go through this alone. You deserve some help and comfort and you will never ever get it from him.

This isn't love, OP, it's traumatic bonding.

You know what you need to do, don't you? Stop all contact with him, go to counselling, do the Freedom Programme. You won't always feel like this, but you need to go through the pain of ending it finally and closing that door.

Fucking hell you poor poor poor thing

I'm sorry you're in this situation and really hope you can muster the strength to move on from your ex - I promise once you cease contact there will be a day (which may be after weeks or even months) when the fog lifts and you won't be able to believe you were in the awful dynamic of a toxic relationship - you'll be so proud of yourself for getting out.

Sorry not to have more practical advice but as I said promise if you gather all of your strength now (I know it feels impossible) and push through this awful bit there will be light at the end of the tunnel

Thank you everyone.

Hes my first serious relationship, I'm in my mind 20s now. I did see someone for a year or so before him, but I'd never been in love before. That relationship was healthy.

I wouldnt say I have self esteem issues per say. I mean, I must have some issues but I think they all circulate around him, I have a very full life. It just feels as though I have nothing without him.

God, that made me feel quite upset, that I deserve better. I do, I know I do, he probably knows I do. Hes said so on occasion and I would say, "why cant YOU be better for me?"
I was offered counselling and I can go back at any time, but I feel like a fraud, i am devastated about the baby, but i care more for ex than myself. I think private relationship counselling may be my best bet.

Thank you, I do know the only way. The thought absolutely terrifies me, even though he is ignoring me currently he is still 'there.' I have done some of the freedom programme and I have tried counselling before, but I will definitely book more sessions. I will try the online freedom programme, I didnt find the groups helpful. My ex was manipulative and there were a few comments from other service users. "He did all the housework? Send him my way." "I'd be getting back with him if I were you!" I think I've just been unlucky, but it massively put me off!

Thank you again everyone.
I trust him every time, he promised me hed support me during the termination and I believed him. While he ignored me for days I sent about 4 texts. I got berated for "suffocating" him when hes a person too and I have no idea what hes got going on in his life right now. The funny thing is, if he needed me I'd drop everything to be by his side. I needed him, I expected nothing other than a text message and even that was too much.

Sorry, by relationship counselling I meant seeing a counsellor on my own who specialises in relationships. Not with him!

What was your childhood like OP, and your relationship with your Dad? Sorry to pry, and only answer if you want to obviously, but it seems like this is your first major relationship and you have fallen for a completely emotionally abusive tosser, and you definitely need to seriously look at why that is and go quite deep with it, ideally with a counsellor or psychotherapist.
I hope you start feeling better physically soon, and I'm so sorry you've had to go through all this.

Genuinely, I am very close to all of my family, including my dad. I have a great relationship with all of my family members and I have had what you would call an ideal upbringing. I adore my family and they me, I am very, very lucky.

I work in a useful industry and the first moment my ex was emotionally abusive I knew it. And every time since, i know what he is, who he is and why he does what he does. Rationally, i know it all and i knew that i could leave at any point in the relationship etc. Maybe i do need to delve deeper into why I'm still holding on after the way he has treated me. I know I dont deserve it, I know I've not done wrong, I know he will do this to the next person. I stayed because putting up with the shite was worth it for the 95% of the time he was normal. I'll never forgive him for the way he has treated me when I've been in my darkest place, but that doesn't mean I don't adore him! It is messed up.

I will continue with therapy, my counsellor did suggest psychotherapy. I will try a new therapist, the last one didnt seem to quite 'get' it.

@ThisIsTheFirstDay

Through counselling I found closure on a toxic relationship by saying to myself I had been in love with his potential - the man I thought I knew he could be.

I thought if I loved him hard enough he would be kinder, more affectionate and match the level of feeling I had etc

But that's all potential and not reality - he didn't want to, or couldn't, live up to the potential I saw in him. I adored the man I thought he could be but that wasn't who he was.

I don't know if this helps but it was a real turning point to me and as I say helped me get some closure.

@Dirtybadger I'm a friend of OP and you're absolutely right - she does! She's fucking amazing! Genuinely beautiful, intelligent, has fabulous career and a heart of gold. I wish I could wring his bloody neck!!!! X

@ThatCurlyGirl Wise words

@MummyParanoia101 gladly accepted and my goodness it's delicious

It's shit so many of us have been through this situation or similar but it really does bring out the best in MN when people share their experiences and rally around a poster and root for them x

@ThatCurlyGirl Totally agree! I'm so glad OP is getting that support here tonight. I have posted before about a similar situation (albeit not as bad) a long while ago, however I posted in AIBU so 🤷🏼‍♀️ ☺️
This thread is why I'm still such a big fan of Mumsnet! 💕

Thank you x

I do understand that I dont love the person he is now, nobody could. I love the person he was. I know he never was that person and never could be again, not really. It was all an act and that is heartbreaking too, the change in him really was 360.

I am scared of never finding someone I love as much and never finding someone who makes me feel the way he did for the first 2 years or so. I miss the way he made me feel.

Thank you all for being so lovely.

Sorry to jump on this thread I literally have no idea how to use this but can anyone help?:(
Basically, I was with my long term partner 4 years, we have a 2 year old together and in January I found out he’d been cheating on me all over Christmas so things ended, i’ve been devastated and only just started getting back on track, I’ve since moved out with our little boy. My problem is and please don’t pass judgment because I already feel like I’ve been a complete idiot but you do stupid things when you’re heartbroken. I met someone on a night out a few weeks ago and slept with him, I’m now 4 weeks pregnant😖 the “donor” would like nothing to do with me or a potential baby which is fine, I’m a single mum as it is my biggest fear is that I still (maybe I’m stupid) get on with my ex for the sake of our little boy, we still very much co parent and have kept it amicable. This will ruin that in my opinion, I have so much going on in my mind, my son is going to grow up with a dad yet this one wouldn’t, I won’t have as much time with him no matter how much I try, I will fall out with his dad and his family and that will be detrimental to my sons relationship with them I feel, I’ll be on my own with a new born and 2 year old (3 once baby would be born), my family are going to have an opinion that I got pregnant from a stupid fumble, I do however have a house of my own with enough room, money isn’t great but I’m not struggling massively, I’ve wanted another baby for months. I’m just so torn, I haven’t told anybody, I only found out yesterday. I really don’t know if it would be selfish for either outcome (continuing the pregnancy or ending it - I’ve always been against it for personal reasons but now I’m in the situation I’m in, there’s a lot to consider) I don’t really know what I’m after other than maybe someone who’s been in a similar position, someone who’s made the decision to have a termination and how it’s impacted them - honestly! Or someone to just see it from a fresh set of eyes, I don’t know but I’m lost and I’ve been through so much already this year. Thank you and sorry again for the length of the post x

@thisisthefirstday I didn’t want to read and run as I am in a very similar situation to you although I believe I have or am starting to come out the other side.

I’ve been in an on off relationship for two years one the has like yours become quite toxic.. And emotionally abusive like you I also fell pregnant and terminated this happaned last summer and it was the worst time of my life. I’m late 20s all
My friends have children and I found the decision extremely hard my ex did go awol and he didn’t come with me to the termination he didn’t even talk to me for days when I found out till I contacted his family. I terminated like you because I couldn’t bring a baby into a toxic Rship and I did not want my child being let down constantly by him as I have been for the last two years however I would have loved to have had the baby but I just knew I couldn’t.

We went no contact after the termination but only for a pathetic 3 weeks and I stupidly was the one to contact him. And then it started alll over again expect this time round he was probably worse.. he had no respect for me my feelings my time anything he made false promises constantly would say he would Do something and do the complete opposite.

I wanted a life with this guy despite him not supporting me when I was at my worst He made me believe it was because he was depressed etc needed help I tried to help him I tried to make this a normal Rship but tnere was no changing him

I decided 3.5 weeks ago to go no contact I have not heard a word from him and I don’t think I will this is now the longest time we haven’t spoken since we got together. I miss him but I do not miss the arguing and I feel much more at peace I have no intentions of ever messaging him again.

Some of the things you have said really do sound like me I am also close to my family have good rships with my parents etc don’t really know why I accepted what I have. I’ve dated ppl during our short off periods as you said too but I’ve always ended up going back to him. He also changed me into someone I did not recognise and I have never been like how I was with him with any of my previous partners.

I had conselling but it didn’t help as I wasn’t helping myself I would be going conselling talking about the things he done to me and he would be at mine that same night.. and the cycle just continued. He changed me and I have honestly not been the same since my termination as I felt I was pressured by his actions.

The best thing you can do is go no contact and for good it is very hard I know this I want to msg him nearly every day but he is not good for me and he almost broke me as a person. You defiantly deserve better and if he doesn’t see that someone else will !

You won't believe it now but if you walk away you will get over him, you will move on and you will be happier.

This relationship sounds awful for you. You are getting nothing positive from this and surely you can see that a good relationship enhances your life not drags you down.

You can not make someone love you like you love them and you can not make someone a good person. He didn't offer you any support and flits in and out of your life when it suits. You deserve so much more.

Experienced something very similar and I promise you good things will start to happen when you move on from him. Also agree you need some support either via a friend or your GP.

Also I used to write in my phone notes ANY message I wanted to send him, and rather than actually sending any of them to him i just saved them in there. Helped me not to contact him in a moment of weakness or hoping he would change.

Looking back on them once the fog lifts is a revelation too. Reading the messages I could have sent to him made me think I am bloody lovely and he wouldn't have deserved the chances I (shamefully) asked for him to come back or blamed myself to him.

He never saw them though because they were in my phone notes and I never ever sent any to him, so externalised my thoughts and made me stop and think before I could have sent anything in a moment of weakness.

Thank you. I will reply more in depth tomorrow!

I have tried NC previously. Well, he would ignore me for a few months and I'd probably send 2 messages a week because I simply wasnt strong enough to not say something. I know it may need to be 6 months or so before the fog lifts. I am just so tired and scared.

It is so awful to love someone with all of your heart but have them seemingly despise you in return. I genuinely am completely in love with him, all of him, even his flaws and wrongdoings.

I need to give myself a swift kick up the arse.

Mommabear118 you should start your own thread so that you can get the advice that you need. Go to the main relationship board and click start new topic at the bottom

That's not non-contact, love.

When you're ready, (or maybe when you're not ready but damn haven't you wasted enough time on this already?), do something definitive. I suggest you delete his contact details and change your number and close down your email, get a new one, block him on social media.

He can't have an ounce of respect for you if he can ignore you for months and yet you still chase him & he just has to snap his fingers and you go running. You're degrading yourself.

Google - co-dependency - you will find yourself in there.
Please also find some self-respect.
You don't love HIM - you love the idea that WAS him.
He's not that person. He's really not.
You are so young and have so much life left.
Stop wasting on this prick.
Time for YOU now!