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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed another man

75 replies

NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 09:57

I've been with DH for over 20 years. Its not the most exciting of relationships, we've slipped into familiar routine as couples often do after that long. But I do still love him. We have teenage DC together.

I've recently become close to a man in work. We worked on a project together which led to getting to know each other quite well and realising that we enjoyed each other's company. We started meeting up for coffee outside of work (which my DH knows about) and gradually spending more and more time together. We've also been texting each other a lot. He is single, and considerably younger than me.

We met up yesterday and things came to a head. We ended up kissing. I left before anything else could happen, but I think if I hadn't it would have.

I now don't know what to do. I do have feelings for him, but I know that I will never leave DH so I should just nip it in the bud now. It's just such a mess. There are a hundred reasons why it is wrong, but I can't help wishing it wasn't. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I don't know how we could go back to just being friends now. And I don't want to hurt DH either.

I know you'll all probably tell me to pull myself together and not see him again. Maybe that's what I need to be told. But I just wanted to get it out somewhere as there is nobody IRL that I can talk to about this.

OP posts:
MyFamilyAndOtherAnimals1 · 09/05/2019 10:02

It's natural to have passing crushes and to be infatuated with someone who you've been working closely with for a while.

Just remember, the feelings will pass, and you'll be left in a much worse situation than you are now if you continue any type of affair.

Also - You can not be friends with this man - that would be impossible as you've already admitted you've got feelings. You should try to avoid him as much as possible.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 09/05/2019 10:09

@Namechanged......this is such a cliche. Bored in your marriage, another guy gives you attention, you get on well.....but the rest is NOT inevitable.

I suspect this "considerably younger" guy is playing you. You will be like putty in his hands....especially now you have caught feelings. This has disaster written all over it in big bold capital letters.

You've developed a crush because you are bored in your marriage. He will drop you like a hot potato after he shags you and you will be left humiliated and possibly alone, alienated from friends and family. I suggest you break all contact and work on your marriage. If your DC are teens, you should be able to have more of a life as a couple. If you don't think that your marriage is worth saving , tell your DH and split in a respectful manner.

NoBaggyPants · 09/05/2019 10:12

What does your husband say about your cheating?

What would you say if you found out your husband was cheating on you?

Musti · 09/05/2019 10:15

Jesus. You're a bit bored so you decide to cheat on the husband that you love?? You've risked so much for a bit of excitement? Your marriage, your children's and family's respect etc.

First decide if you want to stay in your marriage. Remember what made you fall in love with him and try and spend more time together as a couple. If you decide that you no longer want to be with your husband then end it and then you can snog who you want. But have some respect and try and imagine how you would feel if your husband was getting emotionally and physically involved with someone else.

AnyFucker · 09/05/2019 10:19

You have painted a picture of such a tired old cliche, I am cringing for you.

Sort yourself out

Senseofself1 · 09/05/2019 10:21

You have to look at your options and think about why you were attracted to him in the first place. Is there something missing in your marriage that you could work on? Is the new guy a viable option? I'm thinking that as he is so much younger than you, it wouldn't work long term but I don't know the details of the situation. You are clearly conflicted but instead of trying to persuade yourself of one thing or the other, be open minded and honest with yourself. Don't feel bad by posters who will judge you.

Original poster
NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 10:21

I know, it does feel like such a middle aged woman cliché.

I don't think the other man is playing me, he isn't the type to have strings of girlfriends. He's quite quiet and serious. But that doesn't make it right either.

DH would be heartbroken, and so would our DC. I know that I can't do that to them.

OP posts:
AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 10:24

There's also the fact that you barely know this man outside the work situation vs partner of 20 years. You don't KNOW this man, not really

Happyspud · 09/05/2019 10:25

Nooooooooo! What are you DOING!

Happyspud · 09/05/2019 10:26

(Cheating is the answer). Honestly, you should be ashamed of yourself. Get a grip and show a bit more respect for your DH and family.

Original poster
NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 10:26

The things that attracted me to the other guy is that he's clever, kind and funny. He listens to me (I know, such a cliché). But it would never work long term, he wants children and I don't want any more for example. And the age gap would be a problem.

OP posts:
Happyspud · 09/05/2019 10:28

Very selfish OP. You’re still delightedly considering your options and fantasising about how it could work. Enjoyable I’m sure but seriously, it’s low.

Musti · 09/05/2019 10:29

Is your husband clever and kind and funny? Does he not listen to you? Have you made any effort to bring you and your husband closer?

Kaykay06 · 09/05/2019 10:31

That should’ve been the reason you didn’t do it to them in the first place, you’ve already cheated emotionally and now physically stopping now and stepping back won’t change that but will change how you move forward. You need to tell your husband and attempt to salvage things. But I feel sorry for him as you say you love him, I wouldn’t want that kind of love tbh and would leave.

ImNotNigel · 09/05/2019 10:33

What to do is blindingly obvious.

Tell him that kissing him was a mistake, that you love your husband and your children and you are not going to meet him outside work or text him.

Then stick to it.

I’m not saying it’s easy but it’s perfectly simple.

Original poster
NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 10:36

I'm not considering my options, I was answering a previous poster who asked whether a relationship with the new guy was viable.

And yes I have tried to make DH and my relationship closer. We hadn't slept together for well over a year until fairly recently and it was me who instigated it happening again. If I didn't love DH I wouldn't feel so bloody awful.

OP posts:
cottonwoolmouth · 09/05/2019 10:37

Avoid him and concentrate on your family. If this was to ever blow up the cold hard reality of it will implode your entire family

Get a grip

SushiTime · 09/05/2019 10:42

I wish people didn't cheat :( they don't understand the hurt they can cause, not really.

Senseofself1 · 09/05/2019 10:42

We hadn't slept together for well over a year until fairly recently and it was me who instigated it happening again

Why do you think you hadn't slept together for so long? Was the experience any good after such a long time - were you still connected? It is difficult when the intimacy goes.

KOKOtiltomorrow · 09/05/2019 10:45

"I don't think the other man is playing me, he isn't the type to have strings of girlfriends. He's quite quiet and serious".

My exH wasnt the type to have an affair until he did!

It seems your marriage is lacking intimacy. What do you think the reasons for that are?

But remember....cheating is never the appropriate response to an iffy marriage. Do the right thing and focus your energies there. Or leave without leaving behind a nuclear winter. Those are the only 2 options.

Senseofself1 · 09/05/2019 10:45

I'm sensing that you love your DH but not in a romantic way. Your affair is probably a symptom of that. We all want "to be in love". I'm not saying that an affair with this guy is the answer by any means but I think you really need to think about your relationship with your husband and work out why this has happened.

Senseofself1 · 09/05/2019 10:46

Do the right thing and focus your energies there. Or leave without leaving behind a nuclear winter. Those are the only 2 options I agree.

PlinkPlink · 09/05/2019 10:52

I think its pointless shaming you even further. You already know you've done something wrong. What's the point in making you feel worse? Confused I'd rather help you move forward tbh.

Other PPs are right. You need to cut communication as much as possible with the OM (other man). Its not viable and could lead you down a path that is totally irreversible. Best nip this in the bud and focus your attention on your marriage.

Work on your relationship with your husband. The OM gave you excitement, listened to you, made you feel special. Start working on that in your relationship - talk to your husband about how you want to feel!

Are you still attracted to your husband?
Youve already said you love him but do you still find him attractive?

lazylinguist · 09/05/2019 10:53

Either end your marriage...or don't. But make that decision based on your feelings about your husband, not based on your feelings for a man with whom you say a proper relationship is not feasible. He is a distraction from facing up to making a decision about your marriage, and mucking about with him will only cause you and your family hurt.

IvanaPee · 09/05/2019 10:54

Fuck sake.

Grow up.