I kissed another man

[NameChangedForSomeAdvice]

I've been with DH for over 20 years. Its not the most exciting of relationships, we've slipped into familiar routine as couples often do after that long. But I do still love him. We have teenage DC together.

I've recently become close to a man in work. We worked on a project together which led to getting to know each other quite well and realising that we enjoyed each other's company. We started meeting up for coffee outside of work (which my DH knows about) and gradually spending more and more time together. We've also been texting each other a lot. He is single, and considerably younger than me.

We met up yesterday and things came to a head. We ended up kissing. I left before anything else could happen, but I think if I hadn't it would have.

I now don't know what to do. I do have feelings for him, but I know that I will never leave DH so I should just nip it in the bud now. It's just such a mess. There are a hundred reasons why it is wrong, but I can't help wishing it wasn't. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I don't know how we could go back to just being friends now. And I don't want to hurt DH either.

I know you'll all probably tell me to pull myself together and not see him again. Maybe that's what I need to be told. But I just wanted to get it out somewhere as there is nobody IRL that I can talk to about this.

I know this doesn't justify anything I've done, but please don't make assumptions based on your own relationships which are going well

Going well? It would be if my husband didn’t do what you did

I think you have misjudged your audience, op

If you wanted sympathy and somewhere to validate your choices you have come to the wrong place. Other websites Illicit Encounters are available.

Honestly I can't really add anything that hasn't already been said, but I'm not going to start shaming you, you probably feel terrible enough as it is.

I've experienced a situation like this in the past myself. I was in a long term relationship where I felt bored and ignored, a work colleague caught my attention, I ended up going too far with it and eventually split up with my boyfriend for the other guy but not before sleeping with him first, breaking my bf's heart. It's one of the worst mistakes I've ever made.
That was around 10 years ago. It didn't work out with the other guy, of course.

More recently, I've had a workplace crush on a married man that really started bothering me to the point that I was having dreams about the guy and flirting like crazy. It was made worse by the fact he flirted back. I nipped it in the bud by spending more time with my DH, spicing up our sex life and realising how lucky I really am, and how it would never have worked with the colleague anyway (we don't even have any shared interests!)

You're gonna go through life having crushes and fancying people. But never get to the stage where you're going out for coffee together, even if your DH knows about it. Make sure the only time you see him is at work and if you can limit that time too, all the better. Think about what you love about your husband and the qualities your husband has that this guy lacks. Good luck to you.

I have been on the other sidde of this. It is horrendous to be cheated on. If you are not in love with your husband anymore leave him. Give him the chance to find the happiness he deserves with someone who will treat him well. You dont deserve him.

Poor OP is having a very hard time. She hasn’t even cheated fgs. Just give yourself a good shake OP. You know that there is nothing good that will come of any kind of relationship with the OM. You need to cut ties with him and have a think about you want now. Your marriage isn’t going well and you need to decide whether you are going to try to salvage it or give up on it and move on. This crush of yours is just a sunptom of a bigger problem.

regardless the lack of sex that's still so sad to do to your oh😣 it's horrible

@Boggles.....Poor OP is having a very hard time. She hasn’t even cheated fgs....

Is that you Bill Clinton??

@namechangedforadvise ... You are at a cross roads.

You have kissed someone but no more ... in 20 years a mistake can happen it’s part of being human... nothing is set in stone.

This may be the push because your marriage has failed that you need.

This may be the push to put more back into the marriage and re kindle what you have.

If the guy is serious and not playing you honestly then perhaps ask for time away to process from your friendship

I watched a video about putting everything into a relationship for 90 days ... givenit all
You have ... dates / fun days out re connect ... and if after that 90 days you feel nothing then maybe it’s time to
Go but often the more you put in then you may receive more back I. Return ... it could surprise you.

If this other person is still
Calling to you then I would finish with grace with your husband and then get to
Know you before embarking on anything new if that makes sense? To be fair option b is the harder one because you will hurt people you care about initially... so to
Me it makes perfect sense to do option a ) what’s 3 months out of 20
Years x x

Work on your marriage if you want to or leave. Then find someone else. Don’t cheat further, it is devastating for the person who is cheated on, it breaks their heart and causes years of upheaval for your children. It’s infatuation, it’s searching for excitement, it’s wanting to feel attractive and feel the initial buzz. If you work at it maybe things could be better with your dh, who knows, but the damage you have already done is bad, going further will cause you all such immense heartache. You will wake up from this crush feeling ashamed, and terrible about yourself too. Just don’t.

How would you feel if your DH did this to you with a similar age gap?

I think most people regret affairs. If you want to end your marriage, you're better off facing up to that than using your colleague as a pressure valve. It will end in tears if you pursue this.

I also think MN is ludicrous on the subject of infidelity. Most long-term relationships survive brief flings. It's hard being married to anyone for 20+ years. A quick kiss is not the end of the world. Don't beat yourself up. Learn from this and move on.

Oh look another cheating and deceiving person who comes onto an anonymous chat with these ridiculous story's! Really what do you want, reassurance that your deceitful actions are right..
your poor OH & DC..
you knew what you were doing, where it was going, at least do the right thing and have the courage to leave your family first before you start messing around with other men.

I think you have cheated OP. If it was just a kiss then ok, that's a mistake. But you are having an emotional affair that moved on. I think an emotional affair is worse in some ways than a physical affair.

I also wouldn't be surprised if your husband isn't already thinking something is going on.

There are always threads on here from women who are picking up on little things and are suspicious that more is going on. You might think you are being discreet but I bet there are signs of what you are doing.

That isn't fair on your husband. If your marriage is over then leave. But don't do this to your husband and children.

Why is everyone being so hard on the OP? Sometimes when you develop feelings for someone else it is telling you that your current relationship is over. I had a similar situation when my DCs were young, kissed another man which was totally amazing, then shamed myself into going back to the marriage (loveless and fairly sexless) for 15 years. I'm now divorced (almost) , ex DH has found a woman who loves him, and after making a life for myself as an independent woman, I've recently met a (divorced) man and I realise how much I can passionately engage with a man-- which I missed all those years Maybe we did it the right way around, as DCs were independent by the time we split, but it often takes selfish courage to admit that you aren't prepared to settle for mediocrity in a relationship, and that doesn't mean you are doing something terrible to your DH and DCs. Maybe the other man isn't the answer, but it may be pointing to the realization that you're not happy with the status quo. I tried to stay out of respect for marriage vows and not wanting to hurt anyone.. truth is DCs are happy to see us living separate but more honest lives. And the past two years since I split have been simply marvellous.

If the marriage is over then leave. I'm certainly not telling OP to put up and shut up but don't cheat.

I know you'll all probably tell me to pull myself together and not see him again

In a nutshell.

I don’t understand why people are saying OP hasn’t cheated? She has kissed another man - is that not cheating? I think it is.

OP - if you’re not happy with your marriage then you need to decide whether you want to work at it or end it. You can’t have your cake and eat it.

We started meeting up for coffee (which my DH knows about) and gradually spending more and more time together. We’ve also been texting each other a lot.

Your DH trusted your meeting your colleague for coffee. He certainly never dreamed that you would start dating the OM and have an emotional affair that escalated to kissing.

If you choose to behave ethically, you must immediately cut off the oxygen supply to this affair. You must cease all involvement with OM except for necessary work communication.

In leading this double life, you have been treating your DH with contempt. He does not deserve this. It sounds like there is much distance between you. Either refocus and rebuild emotional and physical intimacy with DH or ethically end your marriage.

I can sort of sympathise with you OP. Being in a marriage with somebody who doesn’t give you any intimacy for that long is soul destroying. Are you sure your DH doesn’t want out of the marriage anyway? He’s not touched you for a year and he wasn’t bothered by you having coffee with another man? Have you spoken to him about why he doesn’t want sex? Maybe see this as the nudge you need to address this with him rather than burying your head in the sand. You don’t really want this other guy. You aren’t really compatible but what you want is to feel wanted. That’s a basic human need. Your DH isn’t making you feel wanted and I’m guessing you aren’t meeting whatever need he has. You need to talk to him about where you go from here. A sexless marriage isn’t what you want or need. If it’s what your DH wants then you aren’t compatible anymore and you should split.

We started meeting up for coffee outside of work (which my DH knows about) and gradually spending more and more time together

And this is exactly why I’ll never be a “cool girlfriend” and be okay with my DP having dinners/drinks with another woman. It’s fairly obvious that if two people who enjoy each other’s company spends lots of nice time together then chances are feelings will develop!

Work on your marriage, OP. If that’s what you want.

OP, having been there myself with this same conflicting feeling (and it drove me literally mad in the end, I was suicidal as I felt so trapped in my situation), I found cutting contact with the other man and focusing on my relationship was the best approach to improving things. I actually spoke honestly with DP about what was lacking from our relationship and why, and he told me what he felt. We both made so much more effort to work on those things and honestly we are happier now.

I also believe that the OM who was a sweet, kind, caring, intelligent man, about 10 years older than me, I believe he was playing me. Which disappoints me as I didn’t think he was capable of it either. But he liked the thrill of the chase, and turning married women’s heads is the ultimate chase. Trust me, he was everyone’s typical “nice guy” too so people were quite shocked when our feelings for each other escaped into the realms of office gossip!
Turns out he also just wanted sex (this is from him directly when I asked him what he wants from me “a lustful friendship”). So whereby I was romanticising a beautiful romance, he only wanted sex and nothing serious. Imagine if I broke up my relationship for this fantasy!

And this is exactly why I’ll never be a “cool girlfriend” and be okay with my DP having dinners/drinks with another woman. It’s fairly obvious that if two people who enjoy each other’s company spends lots of nice time together then chances are feelings will develop!

This should be taught at Primary School.

Hi OP.

Not surprised you're feeling churned up. I'm also not one to castigate - this happens all the time, in the best of marriages and to the best of people.

As everyone says, you need to stop and completely cut all unnecessary contact. Really. Don't make excuses to yourself and think you can still see him/chat to him. You are in seriously dangerous territory.

The risk is that thinking "I must stop contact" won't be enough in the face of your infatuation (which can cloud everything else). So you need something stronger to repel you from seeing him. I would suggest one of two options:

1. Read and re-read the threads by people's whose OHs have had affairs of even just "emotional affairs". Really let yourself feel the hurt. Imagine your DH unable to see you the same way, falling out of love with you no matter how hard he tries to forgive. Imagine your children's faces.
2. Tell your DH about this kiss. I only think this is necessary if you can't manage to go no contact using strategies like point 1). Better tell him now about a kiss and blow the whole thing out the water (which it will) than to let it go further and make it irreparable. Tread carefully if you decide on 2).

You're at a big crossroads in life. One way basically leads off a cliff, but you can't see that at the moment because there are loads of doughnuts/flowers on the path.

Good luck!

I also think MN is ludicrous on the subject of infidelity. Most long-term relationships survive brief flings.
I agree with this. The relationship board is full of women who have been cheated on and whose views are clouded by their own hurt. The poster saying she does not deserve the "title" of wife - what about the DH, withholding sex and affection?
OP, I think your feelings for the other man are symptomatic of your general unhappiness in your marriage. It's not surprising you have fallen for someone else when your DH no longer wants to kiss you or have sex with you!
In your situation, if you think your DH still loves you and is interested in improving your sex life (he doesn't sound that bothered tbh), then you can make your marriage work. If you realise he has already checked out of your marriage, then you can feel free to move on. Whatever you do, don't pursue this affair any further. You will end up in a godawful mess. Talk to your DH!

Affairs are NEVER a good idea. Never.

But don’t overthink it. Stop thinking of the big picture.

Just decide that you won’t be alone with the other man again. That’s it. No more, no less. In any scenario, any invitation, your boundary is to not be alone with him. It’s not negotiable.

Then, you need to decide what you want to do about your marriage.