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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I kissed another man

75 replies

NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 09:57

I've been with DH for over 20 years. Its not the most exciting of relationships, we've slipped into familiar routine as couples often do after that long. But I do still love him. We have teenage DC together.

I've recently become close to a man in work. We worked on a project together which led to getting to know each other quite well and realising that we enjoyed each other's company. We started meeting up for coffee outside of work (which my DH knows about) and gradually spending more and more time together. We've also been texting each other a lot. He is single, and considerably younger than me.

We met up yesterday and things came to a head. We ended up kissing. I left before anything else could happen, but I think if I hadn't it would have.

I now don't know what to do. I do have feelings for him, but I know that I will never leave DH so I should just nip it in the bud now. It's just such a mess. There are a hundred reasons why it is wrong, but I can't help wishing it wasn't. I don't want to lose his friendship, but I don't know how we could go back to just being friends now. And I don't want to hurt DH either.

I know you'll all probably tell me to pull myself together and not see him again. Maybe that's what I need to be told. But I just wanted to get it out somewhere as there is nobody IRL that I can talk to about this.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 09/05/2019 10:54

I don't think the other man is playing me.

Oh lord.

IvanaPee · 09/05/2019 10:55

I don't think the other man is playing me.

I can almost guarantee that he’s laughing about the desperate old lady in work looking for a shag.

Now you’re going to say that he’s different and what you have is different. It’s not.

BogglesGoggles · 09/05/2019 10:57

Well look. It’s just a friendship that’s got too friendly. I know it can be nice to receive affection and attention especially when you are lacking it from your husband but that wouldn’t make it ok to cheat. You’ve stopped yourself just in time but you need to end your friendship to avoid it spiralling out of control. If you have problems in your marriage then address them if you want your marriage to last.

Cheeseandwin5 · 09/05/2019 11:07

These things never really just happen, there is usually always a lead up to where you or he could have stopped it happening.
I have to say I am surprised you need to be told what to do- I suspect you want a reason to carry on

GetOffTheTableMabel · 09/05/2019 11:27

I agree with PlinkPlink that there’s no point castigating you further. You know you shouldn’t have done it and, if you’re completely honest with yourself, I’m sure you’ll admit that you could have headed this off earlier. This didn’t come out of the blue. You built up to it gradually and that happened because the ‘friendship’ was meeting real needs of yours.
Your job now is to work out what those needs were. Was it really about this man in particular or was it just about the way he made you feel? I think that quite often these things reawaken a memory of your previous self, the woman that’s faded away a bit in middle-age. Were you feeling younger, more attractive, more interesting, respected? Was it just about excitement? Which of these things do you think was the real driving force behind this getting out of hand.
I believe it is possible to cheat on someone you love. I do not believe it is possible to cheat on someone you truly respect. And although some people will say that you did cheat, I’m not one of them. This was a serious mistake resulting from a prolonged lapse in judgement but, when the opportunity to cheat was right in front of you, you didn’t take it.
Now you just have to do the work, involving a professional counsellor if necessary, to work out what’s missing from your life.
I am also not of the school of thought that says that you should confess to your husband. I think that would cause him unnecessary pain. Your mistake, your pain, your responsibility.

mamanat · 09/05/2019 11:37

concentrate on your marriage and why it set the stage for this to happen. fix the things you need to fix and create excitement at home. temptation is always there and its easy to look for excitement elsewhere when things go stale at home. you obviously know the answer here because if you really didnt care you'd have spent the night.
it's easier said than done but if you have no intention of leaving your family for this man its not worth keeping him around for quick thrills. and the comment above is right, you can't stay friends.

mamanat · 09/05/2019 11:39

GetOffTheTableMable - spot on

FookMeFookYou · 09/05/2019 12:03

Op why are you even talking about this other man and how you and he would or wouldn't work. You are married FFS!

Pull your head out your ass. Talk to your husband about how you feel and make the effort together in getting some of that excitement and couple time back.

Scott72 · 09/05/2019 12:03

I don't think OP has cheated on her husband. "Emotional affair" and kissing aren't really sexual, not quite.

ThatCurlyGirl · 09/05/2019 12:13

DH would be heartbroken, and so would our DC. I know that I can't do that to them.

But you already have? They just don't know.

WhatOnPlanetEarth · 09/05/2019 12:17

But it would never work long term, he wants children and I don't want any more for example. And the age gap would be a problem

Ah you totally lost me at this point

Marriages take work. So work at it!

Robin2323 · 09/05/2019 12:36

@GetOffTheTableMabel
This in spades.

Tixytrick · 09/05/2019 13:05

I think this tends to happen to people when something is missing from their lives/marriage. Clearly having sex once in a year isn’t great. Has it always been this infrequent? You pretty much have a sexless marriage and I can understand how temptation could come along. I could understand it for your husband too! Is he the one who has zero interest or is it you?

The OM is a red herring. You need to understand why you did this and what steps if any you can take to make your marriage better. However, part of that process includes the possibility that your marriage is over

Halo84 · 09/05/2019 13:17

Pour the energy you did in the coworker into your husband. Go for a walk together at the end of the evening. Cook him a special dinner. Go away for a weekend.

petxls · 09/05/2019 13:40

You cheated on your husband who you have kids with Confused I wouldn't really say you deserve the title to be a called a wife. I hope he finds out and goes and bags himself a sexy women and has a brilliant time Grin your deluded and selfish. Not sure what U thought you would gain from this post. Other than people thinking your a tartHmm

petxls · 09/05/2019 13:45

It's natural to have crushes, yeah ok but people responding if your husband kissed another woman I doubt you'd be so laid back, you can't love your husband so much if you didn't think twice for kissing someone else and admit if u didn't leave your if basically slept together. So ur then ya gonna go home and be kissing your husband knowing you've been kissing another bloke before. 🤢

TryingToCope101 · 09/05/2019 13:50

Your poor husband. Do you even care about him at all or is the excitement from this younger man more important to you than your DC and DC?

I hope you are rightfully ashamed of yourself. Now you need to decide whether you owe your DC the truth or you cut all ties with this guy. Either way your DC deserves to know that you have cheated on him so he can make the decision for you if necessary - rather than you betraying and disrespecting him any further.

TryingToCope101 · 09/05/2019 13:50

Sorry, DC should have been DH in most of the above!!

Damntheman · 09/05/2019 13:51

You already know you've done wrong so I won't castigate you.

But I will suggest that if you love your husband and want to stay with him, you need to block this man from your social media/phone and cut him out completely. No trying to be friends, no hanging around each other any more. Cold turkey.

Then use that flash of excitement to work on your marriage and find it again with your husband.

Drogosnextwife · 09/05/2019 13:53

Well you didn't just kiss a man, you had an emotional affair and that led to physical cheating so actually what you need to do is tell your DH and let him decide what he wants to do.

Huskylover1 · 09/05/2019 13:54

Your DH hasn't touched you in a year. No wonder you're attracted to OM. You'd have to be dead below the waist, to not be tempted under these circumstances.

You may be married, but it sounds like your DH is seriously neglecting the sexual side of the relationship. He can't do that, and just expect you to be celibate, from now until the grave.

A whole year without sex would see me filing for divorce.

Original poster
NameChangedForSomeAdvice · 09/05/2019 15:58

No I didn't go home and kiss my DH after kissing OM, it's pretty rarely we kiss any more TBH.

And the lack of sex is his choice and hasn't been great for well over 5 years.

I know this doesn't justify anything I've done, but please don't make assumptions based on your own relationships which are going well.

OP posts:
TryingToCope101 · 09/05/2019 16:21

So leave your husband then - you're obviously not in love with each other and you don't respect him. What you shouldn't be choosing to do is betray and humiliate him by cheating on him without even talking to him about how you might be able to save things (if that is what you even want). If that is what you want, then do it - tonight.

And FYI, this is from someone not basing it on my "own relationship which is going well" (I wish!) but from someone who has been in your DH's place. If my "D"H had been respectful and mature enough to bring up what he thought he was wrong with our marriage BEFORE he started shagging the tramp he worked with we wouldn't be in the sorry state we are in now... Might be tough love but you need to stop this immediately if you want to have any chance of saving your marriage.

AsleepAllDay · 09/05/2019 16:38

Then maybe it's time to use this as a catalyst to leave your husband. The passion might die out once it's no longer so secretive and exciting but it will open you up to meeting someone more compatible.

It's your call whether living without sex is something you want and how to dissolve your marriage. This man is a distraction, if you do nothing about it

EmeraldRubyShark · 09/05/2019 16:54

DH would be heartbroken, and so would our DC. I know that I can't do that to them.

You already did

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