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Original poster

Do most men want children?

56 replies

rolos · 07/05/2019 23:45

Hey everyone,

Relatively new here. I have a question that I was wanting to get some opinions and advice on. I have already had some very thoughtful advice in PM’s from a few people.

I have come to the decision that I do not want children, due to chronic illness that I would only pass on to them! (if I had children, I would hate to see them suffer from illness)

Anyway, i am 26, soon to be 27 and the last time I was dating I was early 20’s and the subject of children would just never have come up, people including myself were focused on uni/travelling etc. Although I appreciate everyone is different and some people plan families earlier, and it’s all down to preference and circumstance!

Now that I am mid-late twenties I am wondering if I should establish very early on if I am dating someone that I don’t want children. Is it best at this age to establish early? I wouldn’t want to string someone along who had different life plans and I also wouldn’t want to get hurt or hurt them.

I am just wondering if at my age is it going to be difficult to find a partner who also doesn’t want children?

Do most men want children or is it very 50/50? Has anyone come across a fair few men that haven’t wanted kids?

Any couple that I am friendly with would probably most definately want kids so i cant talk to them about it as they wouldn’t understand. Single friends I have would also want kids in the future.

Just looking for some advice from others who haven’t wanted kids and what that’s like when dating!

Sorry if this is rambling, I would really appreciate some advice :)

OP posts:
OrrellMama · 07/05/2019 23:50

I would think there are lots of men that don't want children. I have lots of friends who are married and in mid 30's with no children, through mutual choice.

Being upfront early on is probably a good idea, as much for your sake as his. You wouldn't want to invest in a significant about of time and commitment to find that you both want different things.

Racerback · 08/05/2019 00:00

My experience is that very few men actively want children. Including many, many fathers.

fecketyfeck21 · 08/05/2019 00:21

probably no, there are so many flaky 'fathers' ,

poweroverme · 08/05/2019 00:44

My exh has had two long relationships since, and he expressed throughout he didn't want more children, he has a great relationship with the two we have and doesn't want more. He's a good dad but not a real hands on dad, so hanging with the teens is what he's happy with.

But the women always feel they can change that, which ended with him breaking up with the first and he's still trying to delay his current partner.

On the other hand my dp is already planning out next dc, he's very actively involved and enjoys things like co sleeping with our lo.

I think Op you need to find someone that matches your needs and wants. Having children isn't the be all.

You wouldn't date a guy who only wants to stay at home when you want to travel.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 08/05/2019 00:56

I'd say most western men don't want children. In other cultures it's important to have someone to look after you in your old age but our welfare state provides for that here.

DramaAlpaca · 08/05/2019 01:03

My DH wanted children, very much so. We now have three sons in their early to mid-20s, none of whom are settled down yet. Two of them say they want children when the time is right, the youngest says he doesn't - but he's 21 so may well change his mind.

Original poster
rolos · 08/05/2019 01:17

Thank you everyone for your replies :)

It’s good to hear opinions from other people!

Anyone else? Smile

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 08/05/2019 01:33

I would've said most men don't want children but I have two female friends, both in their early to mid thirties, who have found it extremely hard to find men long term who don't want children. One keeps having relationships with men in their early to mid twenties because that age typically don't want any. The other has finally settled with a man who has his own child because she doesn't want her own but doesn't mind having his every other weekend.

I do have one male friend who would've liked kids but his future wife didn't want them, and he chose marriage to her over a future with children and they seem very happy nonetheless.

Would you be open to dating someone with kids if you couldn't find someone happy to remain childfree?

Original poster
rolos · 08/05/2019 02:18

Thank you for your reply Rtmhwales!

If they are finding it extremely hard to find men who don’t want children then I’m guessing the majority of men do in fact want children once they hit a certain age! :(

I would be open to it yes. And I would want to make an effort with their children and try and have a good relationship with them!

However I don’t think I would want them there every single day!

OP posts:
Original poster
rolos · 08/05/2019 02:21

I meant to also add in....I’m from a fairly small part in the UK so I’m guessing it will be even harder to find a child free partner than much larger places in the UK!

OP posts:
FineWordsForAPorcupine · 08/05/2019 06:40

I would say actually yes, most men want children. Or at least, they want to have the option.

I am in the same boat as you OP - I will not have kids, and I've already left one ltr because he deserved the chance to be a father. I have always been v upfront about this (it's on my dating profile) and I have encountered a strange amount of resistance to it from men who think I ought to change my mind when it comes to them and their sperm.

I think it is like this - most men want children but they also like to appear reluctant. So they rely on the women in their lifes wanting kids more and being the driving force. If you change up the rules of this game and make it clear that you aren't interested in begging for family and offspring, they feel uneasy, like a card is missing from their hand.

madeyemoodysmum · 08/05/2019 06:45

My dh did but I do think men find it easier to bear having no children than a women does who wants them. But honesty is definitely the best policy I think

NameChangeNugget · 08/05/2019 06:50

It’s all going to be down to individual experience however, the majority of men that I’ve known, never wanted children. DH took a lot if persuading initially

TemporaryPermanent · 08/05/2019 06:51

interesting finewords. I think that's very accurate.

However, there definitely are some pure non children wanters out there. My first husband was one - the idea of children was anathema to him. A cousin of mine is in a very LTR with a guy who is absolute about it. Also plenty of men with kids who don't want more.

Whackaguacamole · 08/05/2019 06:55

Is your condition genetic, is PGD ivf an option? Not trying to pressure you into kids, I know it's not mandatory!

I think men vary on the issue as much as women do. I suppose I'd be wary of someone the same age who doesn't want kids yet thinking they don't want them at all, then 'changing' their mind late 30s when it's still possible for them.

MBFY162 · 08/05/2019 07:49

I would say that whilst the burning desire is not perhaps as hot, many do want a family. We tend to mirror what we experience as children.

How many men want the realities that come with having children is debatable. I think most probably don’t.

Acing children definitely changes relationships and I think a lot of men struggle with this concept.

My mum once said to me that women marry hoping their man will change and men marry going their woman won’t! Both are often left disappointed and this is what leads to the high divorce rate we have in this country.

MBFY162 · 08/05/2019 07:50

Having and hoping!

stucknoue · 08/05/2019 07:55

Depends on the age. Having recently dipped (well registered) for internet dating, single 50 year olds seem to all want kids! The only men who didn't want kids (I'm too old have have them already) already have a couple or more.

ShatnersWig · 08/05/2019 07:56

Childfree man here. Looking at my own circle of friends and colleagues in previous jobs, I'd say it's a pretty even three-way split. A third of men really want to have kids. A third of men really don't want to have kids. The other third will go along with whatever their partner wants (ie, not fussed at all - if his partner wants, that's fine and he'll have them; if his partner doesn't want, that's fine too).

OP, I think you will find it much easier to find a partner than me. Even on dating sites, the number of women who don't want or, at my age, don't already have children, is really small. I'm 45 and been single 9 years as a result.

IhavetoD0something · 08/05/2019 07:57

Most do but i am dating somebody who is certain he doesnt ever want kids and broke up with his last gf over that issue.

The men i went to school with are fb 'friends' and i noticed a real rush of the unmarried ones getting engaged at 39 and 40 so they do, mostly, but they have less time pressure. I think it only sets in for them when they understand/worry that maybe they are too old to attract a woman young enough to have children.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 08/05/2019 08:01

Agree with finewords - most men might not express the same biological need to have a child that most women do but they do want them they just leave it up to us to "organise" it so to speak.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 08:08

There are always 'outliers' who don't want children, but yes - finding them when you're not in a big population centre could be tricky. Definitely best to say early so ax not to waste each other's time.

Also, if you don't mind the prospect of being a step parent, you'll meet many men who already have them and are happy not to have more. You do obviously have to be carried that this type is not a useless dickhead and that's the reason he's not with the mum.

Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 08:09
  • careful
Moralitym1n1 · 08/05/2019 08:10

As another poster mentioned, is embryonic screening and IVF not a possibility at all?

Smallereveryday · 08/05/2019 08:52

I am pretty sure that most men do not want children.. certainly not in their 20/30s (hence the staggering number of 'accidental pregnancy' on MN)

I think the eventual success of a Male contraceptive will have a huge effect on the population in general and go to show exactly how large the manipulation of Male fertility currently is.. (don't get me wrong - if men are stupid enough to trust someone else with their fertility then they deserve to have parenthood forced upon them)

.. I'm just saying that if they invented an injection or pill that would mean a decent shag (no condom) without pregnancy.. then very few would opt for children when 'young' .
I would assume those opting for kids would be in longterm committed relationships where BOTH parties actively plan a child. When they can house and afford it. (Probably late 30s early 40's ) Which would be no bad thing...

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