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Original poster

Do most men want children?

56 replies

rolos · 07/05/2019 23:45

Hey everyone,

Relatively new here. I have a question that I was wanting to get some opinions and advice on. I have already had some very thoughtful advice in PM’s from a few people.

I have come to the decision that I do not want children, due to chronic illness that I would only pass on to them! (if I had children, I would hate to see them suffer from illness)

Anyway, i am 26, soon to be 27 and the last time I was dating I was early 20’s and the subject of children would just never have come up, people including myself were focused on uni/travelling etc. Although I appreciate everyone is different and some people plan families earlier, and it’s all down to preference and circumstance!

Now that I am mid-late twenties I am wondering if I should establish very early on if I am dating someone that I don’t want children. Is it best at this age to establish early? I wouldn’t want to string someone along who had different life plans and I also wouldn’t want to get hurt or hurt them.

I am just wondering if at my age is it going to be difficult to find a partner who also doesn’t want children?

Do most men want children or is it very 50/50? Has anyone come across a fair few men that haven’t wanted kids?

Any couple that I am friendly with would probably most definately want kids so i cant talk to them about it as they wouldn’t understand. Single friends I have would also want kids in the future.

Just looking for some advice from others who haven’t wanted kids and what that’s like when dating!

Sorry if this is rambling, I would really appreciate some advice :)

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 08/05/2019 08:56

@Small it would also mean the end of the Jeremy Kyle Show. No bad thing, then

yikesanotherbooboo · 08/05/2019 08:57

Lots of men don't really want children. Some of them unfortunately don't realise it.

SandyY2K · 08/05/2019 09:11

I'd say most men do want children, so being upfront early on is best.

You're quite young, but I'd say you're more likely to find an older man who doesn't want kids, because he may already have some or feel he is getting on. Not that you should settle for an older man for that reason.

Dirtybadger · 08/05/2019 09:12

IME most men want kids. But there are still plenty that dont. I would take some time evaluating their reasoning, though, to try and reduce the chances of them running off aged 40 to start a family.

DP and I are (and will continue to be) childless. And we friends (two couples) who are the same. The rest want kids or have them. Including single friends. Whether or not they will all have kids I suppose is different.

BadTigerKitty · 08/05/2019 09:28

I had a debate on this subject before (because of the trope about flaky fathers being forced into having babies), and found that they collect data on a desire to have children in Canada. Here's one article
www.theglobeandmail.com/amp/opinion/actually-men-have-always-wanted-children-more-than-women/article23681771/

Canadian data suggests that more men want children - but an increasing number of both men and women don't ever want children.

But to answer your question, I think that yes, it's something you should be having a conversation about very early. If you're looking for a long term relationship, at least.

JuniFora · 08/05/2019 09:35

Most men want children in the right circumstances and with the right woman. Opinions change over the years so you may want a man who's old enough to have settled into his own opinions.

Lilac3 · 08/05/2019 09:42

Generally speaking, I think most men in their 20s don't want children, or certainly don't admit to it anyway.

I think most in the 30s do, or are willing to have children for their partner, and then (usually) realise how much they love being a father, and want baby #2 and so on.

That's been my experience anyway.

downcasteyes · 08/05/2019 09:55

Honestly, I think it depends on the person so much.

I know many men who were desperate to have children and who are absolutely doting fathers with a beautiful relationship with their wives and children.

I know others who were kind of reluctant, but who ended up having children because of pressure from their wives. Many seemed to go through an initial flush of enthusiasm after the birth, but then absented themselves using work or hobbies as an excuse. In all cases, the marriage suffered as a result.

I also know many men who simply didn't feel that they wanted children. My own DH is one of them! It was never a problem for us, because I've always felt that family life was not a lifestyle I would especially enjoy either. Most of the things that I love doing are not really all that compatible with children, and I think I would end up frustrated and bored (and deeply resentful, if DH then absented himself like the second category of blokes above).

So yes, if you're decided (and there is no reason you can't be in your 20s), just be upfront about this from the start.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 08/05/2019 10:08

Um....men are individuals (this seems to need pointing out a lot on here!). Each has their own personality, their own dreams, and their own wants - there's no more point debating what "most men" want any more than "most women", "most white people", or "most people called Fred".

Many do want children. Some don't. Personally, I always wanted to be a dad, and I love it. But not everyone does.

Just be upfront about what you want, and lokk for someone witb the same life goals.

Just one thing - you said you'd be willing toget involved with someone qhk has kids, but wouldn't want them there every day. That means you shouldn't get involved with someone who has kids. Any father could at any time beckme 100% responsible for caring for his kids, for any number of reasons. If you can't handle that, you have no business getting into a relationship with a dad. Just don't.

loveonthewall · 08/05/2019 10:23

Never having been maternal I was always put off by men who expressed a desire to have kids. Equally by men who said they definitely didn't want kids. I was always more comfortable with men who were ambivalent about it. I can't explain why but I find a strongly pro/anti fatherhood stance in men odd

Hadalifeonce · 08/05/2019 10:25

Would specifying that you can't rather than you don't want children make a difference?

RosaWaiting · 08/05/2019 10:27

my experience is that the vast majority of men, like women, do want to have children.

when I was in my 20s I tried dating and it was nigh on impossible to find a man who didn't want to have children.

in your case - sorry - you might have the double whammy of someone saying "we can adopt" - I just didn't want children and frankly had a lot of trouble getting men to believe it.

now I am happily single for life so it's all good Grin

MacrosomicMumma · 08/05/2019 10:36

Makes me sad most people think 'most' men don't want kids.

Like a PP said, I think it's probably an even split of those that do, those that don't and those that don't know/ wouldn't mind either way. Same as women.

In my husbands friendship group (10 of them) only one has said he doesn't. The rest all couldn't wait to be dad's and are all amazing and hands on and love it.

Of my male friends, most knew they 100% didn't in their 20s but knew they did want children eventually.

Pinkprincess1978 · 08/05/2019 10:46

In my limited experience I would say more men are ambivalent about having children than women and would go with the flow wit that their partner wants.

I have a few friends who haven't had kids and it was a decision both parties had from the start and it's worked for them.

You are probably better off looking for olde men especially those who have had kids as they are more likely to not want more. Don't give up hope though, I'm sure there is many suitable men out there for you.

I would be honest from the start though. It is a deal breaker for some so after a few dates you can casually say how children are not in your future so they know where you stand,

Rain0ntheW1nd0w · 08/05/2019 10:51

Of course there are men, women who don't want children
However, be mindful that over time, some people may change their mind (not everyone changes their mind)

mindutopia · 08/05/2019 10:56

I think most do want the option to have children at some point. Most men you will meet dating are just looking for a fun night out. Certainly my dh wasn’t looking to reproduce right then and there when we met. He was 21. I didn’t want to have children right away then either. But I don’t think he would have married me if I hadn’t wanted children.

His DB is older and currently trying to decide with his partner if they want children. They are very much free spirits and I think don’t want to be tied down to anything. My dh gets very emotional talking about them potentially not having children as he worries that they’ll be missing out and will regret it when they’re in their 40s and no longer have a choice. I don’t know he would have felt as strongly about it though before we had dc of our own.

I think just be open and honest when things start to get serious and see what happens.

EL8888 · 08/05/2019 11:01

I think you need to be quite upfront about it, as it’s a big lifestyle choice and you wouldn’t want to waste someone’s time

There are men out there who genuinely don’t want children and some are slow to warm up the idea. Others are keen from the off. It really varies l think

BummyKnocker · 08/05/2019 12:50

Most men wouldn't have children but got the women in their lives nudging them. If it were left to them, they'd err in the side of not.

Homer101 · 08/05/2019 14:05

I’m male , I have two daughters. I wanted children. I’d have another but it’s not practical for us so it’s just the two of them. But yes I think you should say that you don’t want children . Saves any misunderstandings later

TheNavigator · 08/05/2019 14:08

In my experience, most men want children, although they tend to assume the hard graft and career sacrifice will be taken on by the mother. And guess what? It almost always is.

OhamIreally · 08/05/2019 21:33

In my experience, most men want children, although they tend to assume the hard graft and career sacrifice will be taken on by the mother. And guess what? It almost always is.

This.

goose1964 · 08/05/2019 21:50

My eldest doesn't want children, he is happy enough being an uncle.

pockledigg · 09/05/2019 04:35

Almost 52 and I've never wanted children. I've always been very 'upfront' about it - never had a problem.

BadLad · 09/05/2019 10:18

Of my male friends, the vast majority have children. I think most of those wanted them, and a handful regret not being more careful about contraceptives. A couple want them, but have married women who can't have them. Besides myself, I can only think of one or two who have never wanted them and don't have them.

SVRT19674 · 09/05/2019 10:29

My husband always wanted a family, so did my dad and so does my brother. I know others who are not fussed. I was on a train yesterday with my baby. Two teens got on and one of them was interacting with the baby. I love babies he says. Want at least a family of three or four! The other looked horrified. Dont you want a son or daughter says the first one? The other was too shocked to answer. It takes allsorts to make up the world.

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