Huge Drunken Mistake - WWYD?

[EffedUpHelp]

I know I’m going to get flamed for this but I don’t know what to do with myself. NC for obvious reasons.

During the summer of last year I was on a night out with some friends. A friend of mine who I met through work 5 years prior was also on a night out with his friends. In terms of the level of our friendship, we would message each other now and again as we had many common interests, would always stop to chat if we bumped into each other etc.. He’d got married not long before we met and he was a client at the time but this is all information he shared with me at that stage.

Fast forward 5 years and I had been out celebrating a friend’s birthday and had quite a lot to drink. I hadn’t seen MF (married friend) for a while and we hadn’t much spoken recently, but he came over and joined me and my friend with some of his mates. We’d had a few more drinks in the pub we were at and I said to the group that I was going to make my way home, but everyone else except MF were keen to go on to a club. MF walked with me towards the taxi rank and I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. I asked if things were okay with him and his wife and he said he didn’t want to talk about it, and kissed me. I kissed him back, and to spare the details it went on a while.

He makes sure I get home okay etc. and messaged me the next day saying thank you for the night before and how he’d waited so long to kiss me. I replied and said it was a surprise for that to happen but it was lovely to see him.

A couple of days later, his wife posts on her Facebook, a picture of her, him and their son on a family day out. I was mortified but messaged him apologising for what happened and said I didn’t get the impression that they were still together, noticing his wedding ring was missing etc.. He said I had no reason to apologise and that he’d brought it all on himself and didn’t regret it.

This whole situation has come around again as we both recently had tickets for the same event and ended up sat next to each other; we were attending alone. I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since the afore mentioned messages so it was a surprise to see him and for him to take a seat next to me.

We got talking afterwards and walked back to my car together under the pretence that it was dark and he wanted to make sure I got back okay. No alcohol this time but he kisses me again. I break it off and tell him it was a bad idea and he pinned me against a wall and said it wouldn’t stop him doing it again, and he kissed me again.

He messaged me the next day and thanked me for the night before and said how lovely it was to see me again and that he’d missed me.

I haven’t spoken to any of my friends about this because I don’t know what to say, or what to do. I don’t know how I feel or what my next move should be.

I know I’ll get flamed for being the OW but knowing I’ll have to see him in client meetings at work, I don’t know what I should do. Do I approach him and tell him it needs to stop, do I speak to his wife? Do I not say anything at all?

I’m sorry this was so long but appreciate if anyone has read until the end.

You're not an "OW", and he sounds pretty pushy. I think you need to say to your ,one manager that this guy is pushing it, so you don't get stuck alone with him again.

So you’ve kissed a man that you thought was single and then he kissed you again forcibly? .... you’ve done nothing wrong, he’s the cheat looking for an affair

In all honesty, I’d just stay away .... don’t email, don’t chat; be polite when you meet but keep away. No good will come of it otherwise

Don't speak to his wife!

Just put some boundaries in place and act professionally

Line manager.

So he forced himself upon you the second time? He'd have a black eye and a seriously painful groin...

Once it's forgivable, everyone makes mistakes, twice isn't an accident.
I'm guessing from the second part of your post he is now a regular client or is regularly in client meetings again? So you can't just cut him out?
I would try to avoid him in any social setting, not only does his wife deserve better treatment, you do too! Please don't become the OW you deserve so much better than just part of a person, you deserve a whole relationship with someone who can do that for you.

how did you see his wife's fb page? i presume she tagged him?

You're a convenience to him; and added bonus to attending an event, sometimes.

@IhavetoD0something yes she tagged him in the post

I’ve recently been in a similar situation...it’s very difficult. I’m also friends with the wife and was completely shocked when he kissed me. I like him but I can’t hurt her...it would be worse if there were kids involved as in your case.

I’ve decided not to tell anyone, let alone the wife. I’ve also avoided messaging him or talking to him and I’m keeping my distance. I do not intend to take things any further, despite there being a strong attraction and I think the best thing to do in this instance is create some distance and move on.

You are on very dangerous territory and could easily end up being this man’s mistress. The kind of woman who utterly ripped apart my childhood by having an affair with my father and breaking my mother. Do you want to be that kind of woman?

Tell him it’s not happening, you aren’t prepared to hurt his family and that he needs to stay away from you.

Just ignore and avoid from now on. He is the one that is married and pushing himself on you.

Do you like him? Are you pleased that this happened or do you deeply regret it? I know if it were me I wouldn't pursue or encourage anything. 1. Because of his family. 2. Because you're worth more than being the mistress and 3. Because professionally it's uncomfortable.

If you do like him, I'd be straight with him and say that you like him but the circumstances aren't right for anyone and you don't want to be the reason to split up a marriage. Or be a side piece. I think it can be really hard if you feel an attraction and you genuinely like someone, it can be easy to forget everyone else in the heat of the moment. However, if the shoe was on the other foot, a situation like this can cause devastation.

I never think these scenarios are black and white. Proceed as your conscious allows, but be aware of how many people could be hurt by this, including yourself.

I don't think you are a bad person, we all make mistakes and get caught up in things then wonder afterward how it happened. He shouldn't really put you in that situation and if he isn't happy in his relationship, he should be addressing it with his wife before his attention turns to you. One of my best male friends was a serial cheat and he never left his wife, he simply said 'I don't want to leave her, I love her. It's just hard for men not to cheat' - we had several arguments about this. It infuriated me, eventually he left her, for someone else and she seems to be the right one and he's never cheated.

I think it's a sign of discontentment on his part.

To answer some of the questions;

He is a client of mine again now, I am probably going to have to see him twice a month and email once a week

Yes, I like him. I’ve always thought of us as friends with a lot of mutual interests and I did ‘fancy’ him when I first met him but when he mention he was married those feelings dropped to the back of my mind as much as humanly possible.

I was pleased it had happened for the first few days last summer then felt a deep anxiety about it all when I realised he was still with his wife. This more recent incident has made me feel very confused.

I can’t quite believe that he would risk what he has for a kiss with me?! Maybe it’s not so straight forward but that’s toying with my head a lot. I’d feel awful to think I was at all responsible for breaking up a family.

He's not hoping to risk it, he's hoping to get away with it because he's an entitled arse. I would avoid being anywhere alone with him. Pinning you against a wall is out of order. Can you switch him to someone else as a client?

At the moment, you aren’t responsible for breaking up a marriage. He kissed YOU. It’s his responsibility.

However, if you don’t keep things professional and end it completely then yes, you could destroy a family.

I know what you mean about not being able to believe he’d risk his family for a kiss with you. I feel the same way about what happened to me. He’s got a seeming beautiful marriage and there’s a lot riding on me staying quiet. My best friend is his sister FFS!

I don’t understand it but there’s a good chance these guys want to have their cake and eat it. Be married but have a bit on the side. I’m pretty sure the guy who kissed me knows his wife would never leave him, even if she knew. Maybe yours is the same?

You know he wouldn’t hesitate in doing the same thing to you right? If he did leave his wife for you?

I do feel for you. It’s a horrible situation to be in.

Unfortunately no one else specialised in the area that I do so he is my client for that reason.

I think my (lack of) self worth is coming into play here. I don’t believe for a second that I deserve any more than I currently have and maybe he sees that. There’s a voice in my head that tells me I’m lucky for him to pay attention to me in this way but I know I should shake that off.

In his head, he's not risking anything.

Look at the way he treated you - not interested in what you wanted, didn't listen to you, didn't respect you at all. Telling you he'd do it again if he wanted?

Is this your idea of a healthy relationship or normal way to be treated? What's your self esteem like?

Men who behave like this with women through work tend to be even more controlling and domineering at home.

Trust me, he'll have done this before. You're not special, he's not risking his family for you, he just doesn't care about who he hurts as long as he takes what he wants. Women are here to meet his wants.

Maybe do some work on your own boundaries and ideas about how you should be treated in a relationship? Because this isn't healthy and it will only cause you pain in the long run if you don't put a stop to it now.

I'm not judging you here, I'm just concerned that you seem a bit dazzled by the flattery of seemingly being wanted, don't seem to have the strongest boundaries, and are going to get yourself hurt.

X post. Ok, I thought that might be the case. In which case, definitely, definitely, RUN.

He will have picked up on your vulnerability and targeted you because of it. It's lowered your defences. Men like this know how to pick their targets.

You need to find a way to cut yourself off from further contact.

And get some support for your self esteem, etc.

If he's forcing himself on you I think you already know what you need to do.

All these people acting like you're OW nerd to read this again as you're doing nothing wrong. The first time you didn't know he was still married and yes you went along with it, but now you know he's married and you rebuffed him, you're doing the right thing. Ignore these posts trying to tear you down as that's not fair on you. Good luck x

You deserve someone who treats you right and respects you. This isn't either of those things.

speak to his wife

Are you INSANE?
FFS her husband is your client. And also - you know - HER husband. Whatever he is telling you about the marriage. He is lining you up to be the OW by testing your boundaries.

Don't be that person. You will not end up fulfilled & happy. You could also jeopardise your job ... & what for? To get a chance at some attention from a cheater?

Tell him to back off. Stay away from his social media. Start behaving like a professional. And keep your kissing for single folk.

Seriously, this man is a predator. Why does he "like" you? Because he knows your self esteem is low so he can get away with it. That's what shitty men do.

Talk to your manager and think about getting some help with your self esteem, because this arse is lower than the sole of your shoe, and he's got you thinking he's paying you a compliment.

Grubby little shitstain of a boy.

You deserve so much more than you think. I'm very much like you, I've settled, felt flattered, even lucky. But really all those men were after was gratification. And I was always the one left feeling used and let down.

I'm not saying you aren't amazing, because I'm sure you are. Even if you don't see it. I'd just rather that someone made you feel amazing without messing with your head or having a wife that he probably has no intentions of leaving. And I'm a romantic. I love a happy ending, I would love for him to be your Prince Charming - just in better circumstances.

How many other women has he done this to? Your in such a sticky situation and he will take advantage of the fact you don't know your worth and of the mutual attraction. No one can be sure of his intentions. So you either act like it never happened and avoid all contact with him or you don't.

If your best friend came to you with this dilemma what would you tell her to do?

Thanks for the reality check @RSAcre, as if I didn’t feel shitty enough.

Talk to your manager and think about getting some help with your self esteem

I'd be VERY wary of talking to your manager about this. I think you are better off keeping your professional life clear of onedrunken mistake. You are a grown woman, you don;t need a 'senior' to step in.

But please DO think about some form of counselling for the self esteem. You deserve more than to be some user's toy. Also agreeing with the pp remarks about this man being a predator.

Back off, keep your distance, keep your professional life clean & do NOT be tempted by the false promises or excitement of this married predator.

Imagine that your best friend has told you this story, would you tell her " wow, you are so lucky that this man thinks about you in this way" ? No, you would tell her that this is a man with no respect for his wife, his family or any woman he meets. And that is what the voice in your head should be saying to you. And you know it.

I don't know how you are going to solve the work issue. Only meeting in work related venues, not having drinks or any social contact and refusing to engage in personal conversations would be a start. If you show you are unavailable he will probably get bored and move on to someone else, men like him aren't really interested in putting much effort into relationships, they pick the low hanging fruit.