Huge Drunken Mistake - WWYD?

[EffedUpHelp]

I know I’m going to get flamed for this but I don’t know what to do with myself. NC for obvious reasons.

During the summer of last year I was on a night out with some friends. A friend of mine who I met through work 5 years prior was also on a night out with his friends. In terms of the level of our friendship, we would message each other now and again as we had many common interests, would always stop to chat if we bumped into each other etc.. He’d got married not long before we met and he was a client at the time but this is all information he shared with me at that stage.

Fast forward 5 years and I had been out celebrating a friend’s birthday and had quite a lot to drink. I hadn’t seen MF (married friend) for a while and we hadn’t much spoken recently, but he came over and joined me and my friend with some of his mates. We’d had a few more drinks in the pub we were at and I said to the group that I was going to make my way home, but everyone else except MF were keen to go on to a club. MF walked with me towards the taxi rank and I noticed he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring. I asked if things were okay with him and his wife and he said he didn’t want to talk about it, and kissed me. I kissed him back, and to spare the details it went on a while.

He makes sure I get home okay etc. and messaged me the next day saying thank you for the night before and how he’d waited so long to kiss me. I replied and said it was a surprise for that to happen but it was lovely to see him.

A couple of days later, his wife posts on her Facebook, a picture of her, him and their son on a family day out. I was mortified but messaged him apologising for what happened and said I didn’t get the impression that they were still together, noticing his wedding ring was missing etc.. He said I had no reason to apologise and that he’d brought it all on himself and didn’t regret it.

This whole situation has come around again as we both recently had tickets for the same event and ended up sat next to each other; we were attending alone. I hadn’t seen him or spoken to him since the afore mentioned messages so it was a surprise to see him and for him to take a seat next to me.

We got talking afterwards and walked back to my car together under the pretence that it was dark and he wanted to make sure I got back okay. No alcohol this time but he kisses me again. I break it off and tell him it was a bad idea and he pinned me against a wall and said it wouldn’t stop him doing it again, and he kissed me again.

He messaged me the next day and thanked me for the night before and said how lovely it was to see me again and that he’d missed me.

I haven’t spoken to any of my friends about this because I don’t know what to say, or what to do. I don’t know how I feel or what my next move should be.

I know I’ll get flamed for being the OW but knowing I’ll have to see him in client meetings at work, I don’t know what I should do. Do I approach him and tell him it needs to stop, do I speak to his wife? Do I not say anything at all?

I’m sorry this was so long but appreciate if anyone has read until the end.

Don’t let him mess both you and his family around. Keep your contact with him totally professional, he shouldn’t need an explanation.
Write it off as a Huge Drunken Mistake, don’t become the OW.

Tell him enough is enough. He's got to start acting more professionally or you will have to refuse to work with him (and explain to your boss exactly why). Tell him you're quite disgusted at how he's treating his wife and family and don't want dragging into it.

And you do need to give yourself a head wobble and a bit of a bollocking. VYou're on the verge of letting him get away with treating his family like shit.

Keep the relationship professional and perfunctory.

When you feel a pang of attraction, remind yourself that he does not value trust or loyalty, and will merrily leave feelings and self-esteem of both you and his wife for the possibility of a kiss/sex. He is not a nice person to be in anything resembling a relationship with.

Stay away from this man. This isn't about an irresistible love that you have but about a cheating player. Be glad you're not in a relationship with the cheating scumbag who doesn't respect women. You won't be the only one he's kissing or having affairs with either.

Try and look at him as objectively as you can. He is being thoroughly awful to both you and his wife. He is hurting his wife by abusing her trust and disrespecting her. He is also being terrible to you by forcing himself on you, and clearly doesn't give a crap about jeopardizing your professional life - anyone who truly cared about you would say sorry repeatedly and keep a respectful distance so they didn't mess with your job as well as your head!

He i s obviously extremely selfish and sounds more like a bored, lazy cat playing with a toy than a grown man. You deserve so much more than him. apart from being involved in this, I am sure you are a decent, kind person. He probably gets off on manipulating you and as women we are taught to be polite and sweet and thankful whenever a man gives us the time of day. If you're a sweet person with self esteem issues, men like him see you coming.

Love yourself, work on your self esteem, forgive yourself for being sucked in in the first place. It sounds like you are not the first. He is a hot mess and not your responsibility to clean up. Keep him at a distance as much as you can, and congratulate yourself for dodging a bullet. Good luck ,OP

I break it off and tell him it was a bad idea and he pinned me against a wall and said it wouldn’t stop him doing it again, and he kissed me again
That's called sexual assault OP.

If i were you i'd report him.
He knows he can get away with this because a) you like him and b)you won't report it.

Don't ever be alone with him anywhere again - next time you might not be so lucky.

I'd be VERY wary of talking to your manager about this. I think you are better off keeping your professional life clear of onedrunken mistake. You are a grown woman, you don;t need a 'senior' to step in.

The man is OP's client. She can't "remove him from her professional life" without telling her manager.

If he had punched her, or committed any other crime against her, would you say this? No. It is only because he has dressed it in the glorious cloak of his feelings and "romance" that suddenly OP becomes responsible for managing his behaviour.

I don’t know what to say, or what to do

Yes you bloody do.

Please don't blame yourself but please put very strong physical, communication and boundaries in place. Have as little to do with him as possible.

When I look back for the first sings that my ex was a narcissist it was precisely this kind of passionate pinning against a wall. The lack of physical boundaries is a red flag.

Everyone will get hurt here. I would say nothing but put the strongest possible professional boundaries in place. He may eventually give up with no encouragement or you may have to find another way to drop him as a client.

I'm sure you're lovely but this guy isn't. Run.

Oh come on. You knew exactly where this was leading when he walked you back the second time. He knows you are attracted to him and he's trying his luck. He will have no intention of leaving his wife he just wants a bit of excitement.
You are flattered but deluding yourself and it can only end in tears.

My advice? Back the fuck off. You need to think about work and if you can palm any of this off on anyone else instead of being the contact. You don't need to explain anything to him - just make sure you are never alone with him again.

You need to be open with someone in real life about this. If you have a supportive line manager, talk to them about it and explain you were sexually assaulted by this guy. Ask for their support in putting strong boundaries in place. Unless you are required to connect with his personal social media for work purposes you need to block him on all of these.

That wedding ring is a slippery littler fucker.
He wants a bit on the side OP

Tell him that you don’t want it happening again, be clear and unequivocal.
Being a mistress would be terrible for your self esteem, and could take years to extricate yourself from the personal and professional fallout.

Something similar happened to me and I found a way of telling him that I didn’t do married men, if he was interested he needed to get single. Funnily enough he didn’t bother.

The man is OP's client. She can't "remove him from her professional life" without telling her manager.

FFS go back & read the post you are objecting to again.
It clearly states that OP should avoid the one drunken mistake scenario, not the client himself.
The client - OP just needs to tell him to back off, & insist that he now acts professionally & does not overstep any personal boundary.

That is obviously simple to do, but not necessarily easy. But by doing it, OP will be underlining her OWN self-esteem - not his - & also leaving the way open for her to meet someone single, who can treat her much better.

Also having difficulty seeing where you read me telling the OP to 'manage his behaviour'. If she manages her own, by saying No More Shennanigans, the cheat will get the message.
Forgive me if I think that's a better option than a grown woman with a career to sustain running to her manager with a kiss & tell, asking for some sort of get-out. Seriously - how do you think THAT will go? Who do you think is going to get blamed & tarnished? It sure as shit won't be the client.

I've been where you are op. They're game players for sure. Do right by yours

Yourself and tell him to get to fuck. If he tries anything again. Report him

Without going into specific details, you need professional supervision on this- imagine a year down the line, jobless because you crossed professional boundaries and were caught out. Don't risk it. Mud sticks in professional circles and you don't want to be known as 'that' person.

And, he seems evasive re: his family life and refuses to give you any information you can make a judgement from. AVOID. AVOID. AVOID.

Without going into specific details, you need professional supervision on this- imagine a year down the line, jobless because you crossed professional boundaries and were caught out.

Surely the OP is feeling confused & upset enough without dragging "supervision" into it?
If she never allows this man to kiss her or flirt with her again, there will be no chance of being 'caught out', because she will not have done anything wrong.

I'm really surprised at the advice here telling the OP to go running to management. Can you not see the danger that this could lead to the OP being misinterpreted, judged, & encumbered with an undeserved reputation for 'causing trouble around male clients'? We all know how it goes - the man steps out of line, but the woman gets the blame & censure. And in this case, the man is a client. Management are likely to want to retain the client over supporting the OP. Far better to just let these 2 incident die a death & go forward with a clean professioanl slate without drawing ANY attention to it.

Thank you everyone for your replies.

I think what has got to me the most is that this person used to end a client, then left his position and was not longer a client or someone I had anything to do with professionally, and out relationship was of a personal nature in that we were friends.

When things first kicked off ‘personally’, he was single as far as I understood. We then have to go back to being professional after all this has happened and it’s a difficult boundary to re-instate.

Professionally, I will just have to cope but the emotional effect is has had on me is difficult to process.

Do you honestly need to start a thread....you just tell him to fuck off and it’s job done.

@Myheartbelongsto thanks for your input

The professional relationship makes it more complicated. It's not as simple as never seeing him again. You can't just drop him as a client if there's no one else to transfer him to.

The most important thing is never be physically alone with him. Have as much contact for work over the phone as possible. Make sure others are there in meetings; arrange for a friend to meet you at the end of an off site; call an Uber, wait in the public place and get in solo.

Whatever the situations are where you will interact with him, formulate two or three plans for exiting without him solo. Post here if you need help.

This could destroy you personally and professionally just for his amusement. Be careful.

*Do you honestly need to start a thread....you just tell him to fuck off and it’s job done.•

Ah yes - and lose the client and her job

It’s difficult OP, I get it.

But....If he were interested he’d have kept in close touch immediately after last summer’s incident, and made steps to end his marriage and be with you. As it is, he didn’t pursue you, he just tried his luck when you happened to run into each other again - not very flattering, really. He just sees you as a side piece.

I think I’ve realised that when you think so little of yourself it’s remarkable how someone can make you feel by showing an interest in you, but also how awful you can feel personally when you realise things aren’t as they seem.

I feel awful for his wife, which is one of the main reasons I posted in the first place, as he’s able to get away with it.

I do wonder how many other people he has done this with before. As many have said, I’m not special and it won’t be the last time he behaves in this way.