Broken by transvestite ex husband

[user1467480231]

I found out that my ex was/is a transvestite and am still broken, two years on, by the deceit, lies and sexual horrors that came out.

To friends, he "left me for another woman" and as it's still seemingly not acceptable to be able to "out" someone, it frustrates me that I'm expected to keep quiet about something that has truly broken me.

What would you do?

What would I do?

Get on with my life and not give him anymore head space.

Be glad he didn't take the contents of your wardrobe with him....

Work on myself.write him letters I'll never send. Therapy. New clothes/style. Start a new hobby. Write a diary. Connect with friends. I'd try my best not to ignore my uncomfortable emotions, but I'd also put them in the right compartments.

Check out the feminism chat part of this site. there is a thread specifically for people in your situation.

If they're his friends, they already know he is a transvestite. If they're not his friends, why wouldnt you turn to them and tell them the truth?

You can tell your friends anything you want. You're not obliged to keep his secrets, especially ones that involve abusing and harming you.

So you didn't tell your friends the real reason he left?

I'd rather say the truth, or simply that he wasn't the man you thought he was and leave it there.

Try to focus on yourself, because I doubt he gives you a second thought. Devastating and shocking as it must have been...don't let it be your future.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

This thread is for you OP.

Why can't you just tell,the truth if it is relevant. Just another example of a partner in a marriage being deceitful

Fuck not telling anyone 🤣

Hi OP - you need to find a way to move on from this.
Have you tried counselling???
Thing is - and you know it - none of it is a reflection on you. It’s sad that in this day and age people still can’t feel open about their sexual preferences and have to force themselves into socially acceptable boxes.
I don’t know anything about him or your story, but it’s probably not an easy one for all involved.

Why does anyone need to know why he left? Marriages fall apart all the time. Would friends be more supportive if he left because of being a transvestite rather than leaving you for another women?
Do you - somehow - want to get back at him for the lies - by telling people something he wants to keep private?
It won’t make you feel better

You don’t owe him this degree of nobility. Get on with your life, next time anyone asks how he is, tell them. You will feel better not holding his secrets for him. It still means you are carrying his burdens. Maybe that was okay when you were together, but now it’s not.

Note to yourself - you no longer have to deal with his emotional load - its wife work - he's now a woman - he can do his own.

I completely understand how you feel. I am still married but struggling to come to terms with the discovery of my husband’s cross dressing after many years together and children. I understand how the lies make you doubt everything about yourself and your relationship together. I have no one to speak to and have had to live with his secret but if (when?) we split I will confide in friends. I wouldn’t want it to become public knowledge because of our dc but I would trust certain close friends. You should also feel able to confide in someone. I assume that he hid this from you for years and didn’t give you the option to choose whether you wanted this in your marriage. I also assume that he then expected you to accept this as part of your relationship. If so he doesn’t have the right to dictate how you move on. If talking to friends and being more open about it is moving on then so be it. You shouldn’t be the one suffering in silence.

Id just tell people if they wanted to know. Fuck keeping his secrets for him.

You can tell your friends anything you want. You're not obliged to keep his secrets, especially ones that involve abusing and harming you.

This x 10

I am far more judgmental of adulterers than I would be of a partner who was a transvestite. In fact, I retain that judgmental attitude toward adulterers for years, even if the adulterous parties later marry. It just says something about a lack of character to me.

I’d be perplexed at a woman leaving her husband for being a transvestite, but would assume something I cannot imagine was behind their break up.

Thank you all for the helpful comments. There of course is a whole back story which would take me several days to write, hence why I was asking your thoughts on one particular scenario.
At the end of the day, I married a man and do not find my ex a turn on dressed as a woman. I guess it would be similar to me saying I had wanted to grow a penis. He would have not been happy... then again... hmm...maybe he might have been !

Halo; most people who are attracted to men aren't going to be attracted to them dressed as women. One thing that seems common with transvestites is that they appear attracted to the female version of themselves and get turned on by the idea of themselves as women and people looking at and interacting with them as women. It's all about them, nobody else exists except to serve their reflection. It's the ultimate narcissism...Hardly surprising that women leave.

If you're not a man into other women, why on earth would any straight woman want you... Fancying yourself as a woman doesn't count.

Tell whoever you like, why should you keep secret the real reason you broke up.

It's bad enough your husband ended up being Liky Savage, without having to lie about it as well.

Is it kids you feel you have to lie to?

I guess it would be similar to me saying I had wanted to grow a penis. He would have not been happy... then again... hmm...maybe he might have been !

.

All I am saying is, I would be far more harshly judgmental of a cheater than a transvestite.

I would be far more harshly judgmental of a cheater than a transvestite.

Why? Both involve lies and deception.

I can't imagine how you feel. It must be like your whole relationship was a lie. I would tell friends as you need their support in a different way than if he had left you for another woman.

I guess it would be similar to me saying I had wanted to grow a penis.

Transvestite not transsexual. Cross dressers cover a wide spectrum from those that want to look like women to those that simply want to wear a skirt or dress. Most have no interest in their own sex or in having a vagina.

Out him if it makes you feel better, its still ok to out them, they're not gay/trans. Most of the deceit is I suspect fear of rejection and ridicule. At least he'll find out who his friends are. Some will ostracize him (equate wearing a dress/skirt with pervert), others I suspect will think it odd but not their business and rather sad that he felt your marriage couldn't cope.