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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Broken by transvestite ex husband

61 replies

user1467480231 · 06/05/2019 19:10

I found out that my ex was/is a transvestite and am still broken, two years on, by the deceit, lies and sexual horrors that came out.

To friends, he "left me for another woman" and as it's still seemingly not acceptable to be able to "out" someone, it frustrates me that I'm expected to keep quiet about something that has truly broken me.

What would you do?

OP posts:
user1481840227 · 08/05/2019 17:59

You absolutely do have the right to 'out' him in this case, because outing him is only a consequence of you telling the truth about your personal experiences, so that you can share and hopefully move on from the past.

It's not like you are just trying to be malicious, you obviously have a lot of hurt and anger in your head and how can you deal with that if you can't get it out!?

TheVanguardSix · 08/05/2019 18:11

Oh OP... that's just awful. I'd feel EXACTLY the same as you do, were I in your shoes.

You don't owe your ex anything anymore, ever again. How dare he expect you to continue living out the secrecy and deception that detroyed your marriage. Fuck him and the stockings he came all over! I feel rage on your behalf. How dare he have ANY expectations of you at all. Who does this clown think he is? What a self-absorbed asshole. You owe him bupkis/jack shit/fuck all.

Talk. You need to talk. You need to talk to people who love you unconditionally, people you trust implicitly. Therapy is absolutely something you should consider. Hugs and support, all around, OP.

aprarl · 08/05/2019 18:19

And please ignore the self-centred egotists who feel that someone who likes cross-dressing has special dispensation to rule your life and stop you talking to others.

"Outing" indeed. Fucking hell.

forestafantastica · 08/05/2019 18:32

Hrm. I think I'd be a bit squicked out if one of my friends decided to start explaining the gory details of her sexual incompatibility with her ex and why she had to end it, especially if it was clearly a story being told for revenge. Like...why exactly do I need to know this about someone else? Is she trying to get me to be part of some kind of fucked up puritanical judgement committee or something?

I really wouldn't want to know. And plastering that kind of thing all over FB is some kind of frenzy of exhibitionism would get me judging the bitter ex a lot more than the cross dresser, TBH.

aprarl · 08/05/2019 18:53

"Like...why exactly do I need to know this about someone else? ... I wouldn't want to know".

Seriously, if a close friend said they'd felt broken and upset because of everything, and had stayed dead silent about effectively an abusive marriage for years, you'd just react like that? What kind of friendship is that?

(Also the OP has also said nothing about social media, has she?)

Yewneekusername · 08/05/2019 19:01

It’s not about revenge though. The OP needs to be able to move on with her life and if telling trusted friends what went wrong in her marriage will help her then she should be able to do that. It doesn’t have to be about plastering it over FB. That’s a huge leap. Why should she be the one suffering because he chose to lie and hide things from her? I would want my friends to feel able to talk to me in her situation.

nauticant · 08/05/2019 19:12

This thread does have a vibe (from some posters) of telling the OP it's something she should be cool with and she should shut up and not tell anyone.

Very unsupportive for a Relationships thread but not especially unsurprising.

Bloomburger · 08/05/2019 19:17

I think you have every right to tell people why your marriage has failed, even if it is just so people can give you lots of love and support whilst you are going through what you are going through.

When people tell lies or try and keep things secret it will always come out, that's why honesty is always the best policy.

Bloomburger · 08/05/2019 19:21

I've never understood why it's ok for women to wear boxer shorts and trousers but not for men to wear bras and dresses!

Mmmmmmmm. The idea of DH in my pants makes me want to vomit (he doesn't have the boobage for a bra) not sure why I should just accept him wearing them because it fits some crazy agenda that we are all the same and what we wear shouldn't matter.

BelleSausage · 08/05/2019 19:25

This is no different to an affair because the OPs husband has been deliberately underhanded (especially from the examples given). It is a violation of trust and personal boundaries. These are the most important building blocks of a relationship. Stealing family money and committing sex acts with the OPs clothes is completely shitty and selfish.

OP- you have every right to talk to people you trust about exactly what has happened. If you want to protect your children from scorn (just as though your ex had cheated) then only talk to a few people.

IloveJudgeJudy · 08/05/2019 20:14

Bras are meant to support breasts. Unless you have breasts you don't really need them. Dresses, on the other hand, fill your boots.

I'm sorry for what you've had to endure, OP and hope that the mostly supportive posts on this thread are helpful.

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