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Original poster

Broken by transvestite ex husband

61 replies

user1467480231 · 06/05/2019 19:10

I found out that my ex was/is a transvestite and am still broken, two years on, by the deceit, lies and sexual horrors that came out.

To friends, he "left me for another woman" and as it's still seemingly not acceptable to be able to "out" someone, it frustrates me that I'm expected to keep quiet about something that has truly broken me.

What would you do?

OP posts:
Absolutepowercorrupts · 07/05/2019 13:18

@Halo84
Have a look at the trans widow thread linked here. Then you may understand why a woman would break up with a transvestite.

drspouse · 07/05/2019 13:19

So sorry you are going through this. Are your DC seeing him? How old are they?

Halo84 · 07/05/2019 13:20

You misunderstand. I have no judgment of the woman, and never would in these circumstances.

As I understand the OP, her ex has told others he was cheating. All I am saying is, I would always judge HIM harshly for cheating. I would not for a sexual peccadillo.

Beamur · 07/05/2019 13:22

OP, you have no obligation to keep his secrets.
The vast majority of people will have no idea what this will have meant in practice to you.
There is a helpful thread on the Feminist Boards for women in your position.

juneau · 07/05/2019 13:23

I think it's very damaging to make yourself the guardian of someone else's secrets, when those secrets have harmed you. I would firstly go and find yourself a therapist (www.bacp.co.uk/search/Therapists) and work through your feelings in a safe place with a non-judgemental person to listen, but I would also urge you to tell your friends and family so they can understand and support you. Keeping this secret is only serving to isolate you and make you miserable. This isn't your secret to keep! You may not want to blurt it out from the rooftops, but there is no harm in confiding in those you're close to.

aprarl · 07/05/2019 13:42

Is he senior in IT by any chance? That seems to be one of the patterns.

Watch out for who you talk to, purely because you'll get some unsympathetic responses. Many people will be terribly "woke" about it, including many counsellors and friends. We've been groomed for years now to equate any questioning with homophobia.

People will talk about his "true self" and how brave he is; your ex will be being backed up by many voices, telling him to be selfish and you to be noble and giving. It doesn't affect them all and they don't see the issues, so it's easy for them to do it.

Fuck them all.

Like pp I hope you find the Transwidows threads useful.

opticaldelusion · 07/05/2019 13:52

Isn't this just liking dressing up as a woman? Or am I missing something? I had an ex who wore women's knickers. So what? He was definitely ALL man Grin

opticaldelusion · 07/05/2019 13:59

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Summersunsareglowing · 07/05/2019 14:22

A friend of mine split up with her DH 2-3 years ago. She discovered a business card in a video and went onto the website it advertised. She found her DH on the site dressed as a woman. He was Cross -dressing and had been having sex with both male and female prostitutes. He'd led a double life and spent lots of time lying and spending her money. He spent her £13k inheritance which she'd received from her DF who'd died shortly before. She threw him out but didn't say why straight away.

Some months later she decided that, because so many people had asked why they'd split up, she would let them know via facebook.

It gave her back some control over her life and the support she had from others and the ability to purge some of the anger really helped her.

There is no way I would be prevented from disclosing the reasons for splitting up with a partner if I wanted to, whatever the reasons.

aprarl · 07/05/2019 14:25

@opticaldelusion as from the op; "deceit, lies and sexual horrors" isn't just putting on a frock.

Stop minimising.

Yewneekusername · 07/05/2019 14:59

opticaldelusion unfortunately it is not hysterical nonsense and people suggesting that it is a form of abuse are not pearl clutchers. The op’s pain is very real so that’s incredibly unhelpful. There is a lot more to it than him putting on a frock or some lacy pants. It’s more often than not years of deceit, the husband hiding who he is, lying about who he is, and when he is found out he will minimise everything. He will lie about the extent of his cross dressing, he will make promises that it is occasional or promise never to do it again. He will do it again and again and then he will put pressure on his partner to accept it or join in because it’s what makes him happy. What about her and what makes her happy? Mostly she will be very uncomfortable with this. There is a lot of emotional blackmail at the very least and it makes you doubt your own sanity and sexuality. The lies are constant and it’s similar to living with an addict. It is absolutely awful and soul destroying so please don’t minimise the impact it has.

Original poster
user1467480231 · 08/05/2019 10:27

I agree with the comment about it being akin to living with an addict.

How REALLY would you feel if your husband slipped in beside you in bed whilst you were asleep, wearing your stockings and then pleasuring himself all over them before putting them secretly back in your cupboard. Or blaming your teenagers for you stealing your makeup when in fact it's in his work bag....or spending 80k of the family money on purging his lady clothes over and over again? The list is endless and you really have no idea until you have been in the situation yourself.

OP posts:
nauticant · 08/05/2019 11:01

If you've not checked it already OP, like others have said above, you really should have a look at the trans-widows thread:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/womens_rights/3471122-trans-widows-escape-committee-2-the-trans-widows-strike-back

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/05/2019 13:13

Surely this is more about the lies than the dressing up? My other half wears womens underwear etc sometimes. The difference is I knew this prior to us forming a proper relationship. Never bothered me, I'm a very open person and I'll probably get flamed for saying this but I consider myself pansexual.

I've never understood why it's ok for women to wear boxer shorts and trousers but not for men to wear bras and dresses!

OP if people ask why you've broken up can't you say he lied to you and the trust has gone? I don't think it's right to "out" someone. Obviously it wasn't right for him to tell lies but 2 wrongs don't make a right.

aprarl · 08/05/2019 13:35

Confused how deeply cool of you, but it's not "just" lies is it? Anymore than infidelity is not "just" not mentioning that you've slept with someone else.

It's a fundamental issue and she should have the right to talk about it openly.

No one has the right to force others into secrecy.

Yewneekusername · 08/05/2019 13:53

Water you have missed the point here spectacularly. You may be happy with this but the OP is not and has every right not to be. It is a lot more than clothes choice and it makes me very angry when people suggest that it is. A transvestite will transform himself into a woman. He will wear fake boobs, tuck his genitalia away, and when dressed he will speak and act as a woman. She didn’t sign up for this when she got married. She married a man and is presumably sexually attracted to men. If she had wanted to marry a woman then she could have done but she didn’t. It fundamentally changes a relationship when you find out your partner has hidden this side of him for years and leads you to wonder what else he has hidden if he has managed to hide this for so long. It’s more than what you wear and it’s more than lies and the OP has every right to feel like she does and to talk about it when she needs to.

Treesthemovie · 08/05/2019 13:58

He sounds like a liar, probably porn addicted, and manipulative OP and I wouldn't keep anything quiet for his sake. Do what is right for you, I don't doubt you have done more than enough for him already.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/05/2019 16:03

aprarl lay off it with the cool comments. I can't talk about my sexuality openly without comments like that it's pathetic and makes you look incredibly thick. I never said it was just lies so I don't know what you're going on about. The lies would be the dealbreaket for me above all else.

Yewneekusername I just think the lies and deceit would be the worst part. That's the part that would be hurtful surely?

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/05/2019 16:07

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furrytoebean · 08/05/2019 16:13

Oh give over with the emotional blackmail duck

Using suicide as a threat when people disagree with you is the height of narcism.

Women who would like to discuss the erosion of women’s boundaries, and the drip drip of the legitimisation of more extreme sexual practises, are not murderers and you know it.

Yewneekusername · 08/05/2019 17:03

Water the lies are just the beginning unfortunately. It is a massive and fundamental part of someone’s personality that they have hidden and often once it does come out, they want to take it further. They will lie and manipulate to get what they want. It’s not about demonising someone that doesn’t meet your ideal. When you marry someone, you trust them and you think you know everything about them. They are your ideal. To find out 10, 20, 30 years later that they are a different person is awful. They haven’t changed over time but they have always been this person so you doubt everything. I am liberal minded and couldn’t give a fuck what anyone else gets up to. I do however care what my husband does. The OP clearly does too because she has divorced from her husband. She has asked for support in getting over the pain he has caused and not judgement on her decisions. It is ok for her to be uncomfortable with his cross dressing and to not want it part of her life.

aprarl · 08/05/2019 17:23

Demonising? Sexual witch hunts? Can't talk openly? Grin

You've had no issues spelling out your husband's preferences, or your own, in a really inappropriate way on a thread that isn't about you.

And yy furry. Suicide threats says it all.

mummmy2017 · 08/05/2019 17:27

Sorry your hurting...
To be honest I would tell people...
Yeah he left me for the woman he saw in the mirror, wearing my fav dress . Mind you my heels were too small for him.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/05/2019 17:54

How is it a suicidal threat when they're already dead?!

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 08/05/2019 17:58

You're all going to keep twisting the meaning of my words to suit your own agendas though aren't you 😂😂😂

I just don't understand why outing him is seen as acceptable.