Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

OP you are doing well, keep going.

Could you ask to call W.A. from school?

I know you have an appointment but any chance you could just go to reception and ask to speak privately and urgently to the head right now? They can use lunch break to help you make a plan?

You don't have to talk much, just tell that you are afraid and show what you posted here.

You are deep in F.O.G. right now. (Fear Obligation Guilt). It may take a long time to get past that but trust that what you have written shows a very real and immediate danger to you and your children. You are setting the wheels in motion and now you need help to stay safe throughout - ask for it and try to understand that the gravity of your situation may take months to realise so in the meantime err on the side of caution, take the advice of wise women and assume the worst until you and your children are safe elsewhere.

💐

Just posting to say that you CAN do this. You really really can. It won’t be easy as you are so scared and that is completely understandable. But you can do and you will do it and it will be so so so worth it.

You are strong. You might not feel it right now but you have coped with what many many people would not be able to cope with. And you are now finding more strength.

And MN will always to here to help you in any way. The nest of vipers is very good at that.

Like others I would strongly recommend the refuge. At a refuge you will be protected. You will have support. Both legal and emotional.

How ever you leave will likely enrage him. If you are at the flat I think he would be straight there and you will have no protection. But it is great that you have the flat as even if you don’t end up living there it will hopefully be able to be sold to help fund your new future.

A peaceful future.

Please try Women's Aid again. You can do this, you are stronger than you think. Be careful and stay safe.

We're all behind you OP! Keep going! You are doing brilliantly so far xx

Start doing.

You have somewhere you can take the things you and the DC are going to need, so start taking them there. Even if you go the the refuge, you will have access if they are in the flat.

Please lean on the kindness of strangers. If people offer furniture or know a plumber then take them up on the offer. You can do all this before push comes to shove, and then you can be in control of the narrative. When he escalates (and he will) you will be able to just leave knowing you have somewhere to go.

At the moment you are frozen and overwhelmed, but each baby step will give you more confidence.

My heart goes out to you, but you are stronger than you think. xx

if not said before:
Make sure that all irreplacable things are well hidden at a friends house (documents, photo files, souveniers, qualifications, the DC's memory boxes, things like that).

the flat is a gift. Beg, borrow, steal to get the plumbing sorted. Get a friend or 3 to help chuck around white paint, put an ad out on freecycle for beds, buy some plants.

I understand and hear you when you say no refuge.

All the luck in the world x

I have to second asking the school if you can use the phone there. Take them into your trust and tell them what is going on. My ex threatened to steal my children and the school were amazing - went above and beyond. At this point you just need people on your side. Having somewhere to have a room to sit, make the call and someone to be with you is going to be a huge help

Did you try your local WA? The national helpline is sooo busy it is better to call your local service, to whom you will be referred anyway after the initial call to the helpline.

WA know their stuff and always check which way they can contact you which is safe and doesn't compromise your anonymity. They never self identify until and unless they know for certain it is you they are speaking to. Etc. They know their stuff.

You don't even have to give them your name if you don't want to.

Make yourself a check list if you that will help you. But you don't NEED that much.

For the new flat you need a boiler and some make shift bedding. Inflatable mattresses, or register on freecycle and post a wanted ad. Outskirts of London there are lots of charity furniture shops which you can buy some make do items from.

Once you're out of the house, you can sort yourself out financially. I'll bet you'll actually be financially better off and within a few months you will have all the basic items in the house.

You're smart, you're resourceful, and you are strong, you have to have been to have survived this abuse for so long. There are LOADS of YouTube clips that will show you how to fix things in the flat. One job at a time, one room at a time, and you will get there.

@WoodforTrees Domestic Abuse is not just physical!!!!

•Emotional Abuse
• Financial Abuse
• Controlling behaviour
• Health/Care-Related Abuse
The list goes on...

He's not god. Stop treating him like he is.

Police, courts, divorce law will all work in your favour. Cash flow should be improved when you get well over 50% of the proceeds of sale of the house for example.

He is not a god. He is a mentally ill man. Stop trying to stop the fury. Start thinking, if he livid I am doing something right. Expect rage. Plan for it. Seek it even. Refuge, police, lawyers, Women's Aid can all make the impact of the rage neutral or beneficial to you. Use it

Op, I’ve been reading from the beginning and I so rarely post but I feel like I must. I want to echo what others have said - please keep going, don’t slow down or give up at this point. You’ve started something really brave here and you should stand tall at what you’ve already done but don’t give up.

If you see school you can tell them and they will help, you can phone WA from school and/or speak to the Flo or whoever and let them know how bad it has gotten. You don’t have to do this on your own, you’ve got MN but you also will have RL people who will be desperate to help you if they knew.

Bless you and keep strong x

I hope you got through to WA

If you go to sleep about this, you may wind up dead at his hands. Your kids could be killed.

The more time you spend with him, the greater the possibility becomes. As with all things, break up the big task into little ones. Ringing WA until you get through, getting paperwork together, packing a case for your kids that you can hide for now

The GP and school MUST know that it's not just 'things are hard' at home. They should be told examples of what he has done and said towards you and the kids, and how afraid you are to leave. Don't minimise it out of some twisted loyalty to H. He does not have to know and the GP for instance is bound by confidentiality.

He is not an all seeing all knowing God. You will be able to talk to certain people and make plans without his knowing. Just as you have this thread

And as I've said, I'm in London and you can stay over whenever if you need to flee. I also have a spare couch in my room that I can have delivered to the flat if you can't find any other

I'm thinking of you OP

To fix the plumbing www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/grants-low-income/

I got out of a DV situation. It is terrifying. I left while he was at work. Got eldest from school, took cat and car too. Went to a friends house to stay while I spoke to police, solicitors and went to court to get a non molestation order and occupation order for the house. Police were brilliant and reassuring.

The police can fix up extra security and an emergency button I believe?

Utterly terrifying situation, but very much worth it to live a free life xxx

OP, just read through full thread and couldn't leave without sending my love and support. Just before reading your last post where you said the creep had been so gradual, I was thinking the same thing. Perhaps because you have many good memories of him, before this all escalated, I can imagine it can be hard for things to really crystallise in your mind into how things are now.

I have little experience with abuse but do have some experience (personal and professional) with mental illness and I strongly agree with some PPs that some of your husband's more worrying behaviours could be directly related to mental illness. I also understand that for some people (especially men) it is almost impossible to get them to a point where they would accept help or even acknowledge their need for it.

I also understand exactly where you're coming from with trying to minimise the fallout - not for his pride's sake or his image but to minimise trauma to your DCs. Unfortunately I don't know what the right answer is but it's worth considering that your physical safety is paramount, and if a complete meltdown happened because of you three disappearing into a refuge, it would at least make the state of his mental health obvious to all concerned (GP, police, school etc) without you being in danger. A lot of people are genuinely seriously concerned for your safety (and by that I mean all three of you) because the behaviours you have described are so extreme.

You have done amazingly well to come on here and open up, and you sound like a clearthinking, fair, kind and empathetic person. I wish there was something more practical I could do to help. Sending love. Keep posting x

PS Well done for makihg appt with school. Would you also consider telling one of the friends a little of what you've told us, one of the ones you said would be happy to house you if you turned up on their doorstep?

Still haven't got though to WA. Tried once more an hour ago. SpringyDaffs, I tried my local one and it was also an answer machine (but good to have two options to call now).

I don't know what I will say to them. I can't really project that far ahead, just picking up the phone and calling is as far as I can manage.

H just called me about a practical/logistical thing to do with a pet. Completely normal conversation as though nothing is off kilter at all. And I suppose that's the truth of it all - nothing IS off kilter. This is our normal. I am so so gutted that this is my marriage. I feel jealous of my friends today. I want to moan about not pitching in with loading the dishwasher. I don't want this.

I am so so tired and defeated now that the flurry of posting and opening up has happened. I want to feel angry and determined but I feel none of those things right now. Just sad and broken and empty. I keep going back to the glass of water and the look on DDs face before she started shaking because she was crying (which she never does). That is my go-to to keep myself awake.

I am seeing the school this afternoon.

Your H sounds like my father. Your DS sounds like me when I was little, laid back and compliant. It was because my nervous system adopted the ‘Fawn’ (people pleasing) response to the trauma and threat as means of survival. Your little boy’s personality will be hardwiring itself to please others first and stuff down his own feelings. Your DD might be taking the ‘Fight’ response to the the threat just now but that could change if her father wears her down enough.

Living for years in this state of heightened cortisol levels is so dangerous for all of your mental and physical health. Along with various mental health difficulties I am riddled with psoriasis and IBS. There is a link between high levels of cortisol in childhood and auto-immune disorders. My skin is a state, it’s all over my forehead. My mum cries when she sees it, your average person didn’t know about the dangers of stress on children in the 90s.

I’m saying this with the utmost understanding and support for you. Your H is a very real threat to all of your longterm health. You’ve taken such a big step, now keep going. Don’t turn back now!

Good luck OP.
I hope talking the school also helps you.
You've taken some huge steps, so well done.
I'm just hoping you get through to Womens Aid and get out of there as soon as possible.
It all sounds so horrendous.
Keep going!

Oh OP You're exhausted.

I told DH about this and he suggested you wouldn't even have to tell someone in words (I can imagine that would be very difficult) but could link them to this thread? I don't know if that would be an option at all for WA?

Well done for making the call and school appointment today. It’s a huge huge step. I think you are going about it the right way for now..do it on autopilot, don’t overthink it..just keep taking the steps you have to take x