Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Op wishing you luck and sending a hand hold for the call today.
Please find a friend that you can trust and tell them, I really feel like you need someone on your side, who can be a listening ear and a real hand hold. Like others have said I suspect they will already have a suspicion anyway.
Please get to a refuge ASAP. We are all behind you.

OP phone your GP this morning and get an urgent appointment, take up her offer to refer to counselling. The damage being done to your children will have a lasting impact on them, they deserve better.

I'm so sorry you are in this horrific situation. I hope you get some good advice from WA this morning but I have to say I don't agree with you that the flat is a safer option. You say he will be less angry if you go there and the refuge would trigger his "shame" response and you would remain vulnerable at other times when not at the refuge. I have to say I think there's absolutely no reason he would behave any differently if you were in the flat. He has proved by his actions and violence that his behaviour is not predictable.

I understand you want to get out without drama but honestly given your description of his behaviour I don't think that's possible. Ironically that's what makes it all the more urgent for you to get out. With the help of both WA and the police.

To be blunt, rather the drama of him being arrested and his reaction to the slight of being labelled an abuser (which he absolutely is) than the horror of injury or worse against you or your children. None of you are safe.

👋 op
Please get out now whilst you can. Just pack up and leave( I know it's tricky) I really don't want to have to read your story on the front of a national newspaper in the future and think ' didn't she ask for help on Mumsnet?'

OP don't forget, the amazing people at a refuge will have seen/heard every single scenario. They are absolute experts in their field and will surround you and your children with compassion and love as well as practical/emotional advice and support.

It will also give you headspace to get yourselves sorted without your abusive husband undermining your thoughts. Good luck OP and your lovely children xxx

Good morning. I am about to call WA. I will let you know how I get on.

I have made an appointment at DC school and I am going to give them an indication that all is not well at home so that they are aware and also so DC can be encouraged to talk to the pastoral care team if if they want to, whilst I try and force myself forward.

This is a massive deal for me. I am hoping that by telling someone it will make it real enough to make this time the time that I do something.

You're doing so well OP. One step at a time.

Good luck OP. While you are planning your next steps, it’s also a good idea to start to organise the admin - copies of mortgage/bank statements etc etc.

Well done, good plans

I didn't get through to WA and didn't want to leave a message. I Don't want my number on their radar yet as I'm scared they might call when H has access to my phone.

I will try again in a bit.

Sorry OP but that's no way to live and you need to leave. In terms of the abuse, there is no one size fits all - he doesn't have to tick every box to be classed as an abuser. He is terrorising you and your daughter and the longer you stick around the more dangerous it will become. Potentially fatal and I'm sure you've seen the statistics - don't become another one.

I'm sure in the beginning he was a different person but it's true that people change, sometimes for worse not better.

You can get together what you need, starting with the basics. It's only temporary while you get back on your feet. You might surprise yourself by taking to your new life like a duck to water - imagine the head space you'll have when you're free of this toxic person and environment.

Also ppl are amazingly generous and willing to help those who are in a difficult situation. I've seen so many posts on selling sites requesting donations for women in exactly your situation. No one begrudges those who genuinely need help. I'm sure your pride may get in the way but there's no shame in asking for help - just pay it forward when you are in a better place.

You don't deserve this treatment OP and your daughter needs to see her mum fight back and stand for what is right. You need to protect her and get out of this volatile situation. She is at a pivotal time in her life, GCSE's coming soon, relationships, boundaries etc. Show her how to be a strong woman, show her how to take control of the situation.

You can do this OP. I'm sure you feel exhausted, ground down but remember who you are. Life is for living.

Thank you so much for all the detailed responses. So much to think about. And such incredible advice. I'm especially grateful to people who have been brave enough to share their stories . Thank you also for the kind offers of help. I am at work now but will do through the thread at lunch time.

I still don't feel that the term domestic abuse applies to me. I have no marks and I am able to function. It's so strange this feeling of detachment. I read my words and think 'that's not good', I read all your lovely responses and hear the concern but somehow it's not real. I wonder if this, along with fear and low self esteem, is another thing that keeps people from taking steps to leave? This feeling of just papering over the truth and turning to look on the other direction? This is why I started this thread I think. I don't have a mum or a family to go to or someone to tell me to get my head out of the sand so I need MN to do it for me. And you are, so thank you.

'I wonder if this, along with fear and low self esteem, is another thing that keeps people from taking steps to leave?'

As a veteran of a profoundly messed-up situation in a different context, that I am still struggling to believe the truth of and call abusive years after leaving it behind and years into some very good therapy - yes. I find this one of the hardest bits of dealing with it. I also find having the correct perspective on someone else's situation no problem whatsoever. And from that perspective I can say (with everyone else on here, no doubt, though I haven't RTfullFT) that your situation is dire and dangerous. Getting out is not so much a matter of permission (yours to yourself, or someone else's) as imperative.

Your husband sounds very unwell, but (as you have correctly identified) illness is not carte blanche to terrorise those you live with and expect their submission.

@WoodforTrees It's very real. DD has water thrown at her the other day.

The only way it will become not real is if you leave. You are dissociating from the domestic violence - it's a brain technique to keep you going - but unfortunately this is still what is happening.

The only way this will change is to get your courage up and leave to a safe place. What did Womens Aid say?

It’s definitely domestic abuse. Once you are out it may be easier to see this.

Keep phoning WA.

OP - make sure you delete the "recent calls" log on your phone each time you try calling WA, in case your H checks your phone.

LTB

IME they call back fairly quickly, and e.g. if you call at 9.30 and say don't call me back after 10 and they don't get to you in time then they absolutely won't call later. They do understand the need for sensitivity. It's a shame but you do tend to get the answer machine these days. It's worth persevering and they won't keep your number on record. Otherwise try your local DV helpline if you can find it.

I think you are absolutely right that feeling of it not being real is so common and is definitely a barrier to leaving. It doesn't feel like our understanding of "danger" - because of this it simply doesn't feel urgent. If he was chasing you with a knife it would feel urgent and you'd probably feel the need to call police/run/hide/escape then - but the more normal, day-to-day life with an abuser is not like this. You couldn't exist in a constant state of fight or flight because you would not be able to function, so your brain adapts to the situation to allow you to instead. But that isn't very helpful in reminding you that in fact there is danger and you need to move away from the danger for safety.

That means that you may need to be more rational in your approach to sort of convince yourself that the situation you're in really is dangerous and does need addressing urgently. Ueseful tricks for this involve listing negative aspects of the relationship, telling people, especially if you can listen closely to their shock and distress, listening to stories of those who have been through similar, and contrasting with the idea of being free.

Our brains do not really like change because it means they need to adapt and they are a bit lazy at doing this, so we tend towards inertia because that feels familiar. It can take something quite extreme to shift us out of this mindset so when you feel yourself thinking this is ridiculous or oh it isn't that bad or but it's been 12 years, I can hang on a few more months, just notice "Yep, that's my brain being lazy and self serving" and push on with your other motivations.

BertieBotts. That makes complete sense to me. My normal is so removed from how I imagined my life, yet the creep has been so gradual that I've never really processed how far from the 'standard' of life I've drifted.

The water chuck was a small thing compared to much of what's become part of Ha repartee but because of DD, it has slightly woken me up but I feel like I need to fight hard to stay awake now - It would be so much easier to go back to sleep...

Yes, it's like Dorothy in the poppy fields. Don't sleep. You can do this.

OP: my ex sounds very much like your STBX, and looking back his self esteem plummeted and he was in a viscious circle with alcohol. He was always moody, just got worse and worse and worse, until I realised he was an abuser. It took me so long to admit that to myself, despite posting on here and getting a chorus like you have.

Of course, all of it was my fault, and every day I was shouted at, or the kids were etc. He was hiding booze, and life was like living with a dictator and tyrant in one. Whilst I was in the thick of it, I couldn't see how bad it was, how much I was pandering to him and to keep everything ok. Its exhausting. Two years out and my body is still recovering from the stress. I am though, much much happier and getting back to my old self again. I won't bore you with the details, but in the end I left him (left the family home with the kids). I rented my own flat. If I'd have had an option of a flat I could have gone to I would have gone there, plumbing or no plumbing it got that bad. He was never physical aside from one drunken night where he put his hands round my throat. Still took several months to leave after that. Sadly 2 and a bit years on our house hasn't sold and he is still in it. I wish I had the strength to kick HIM out,but it didn't seem practical at the time and he wouldn't have coped at all trying to find somewhere to live etc (we live abroad).

You know him best, if you think you could be safe at the flat then push forward and go there. Inform the police and friends. If you don't feel safe, then the refuge is the best option. I never really believed that my ex would do anything bad, but in those early days after me leaving he was all over the place and potentially could have flipped.

Just wanted to say, you are doing the right thing, my kids although they still stay with their father (they are with me much more but are there every Thursday and EOW) have thrived. I mean really thrived. I feel guilt I didn't leave earlier, because I was so wrapped up in keeping ex happy, keeping the peace and just trying to survive I lost something during that time with the kids. Now I have much more head space and we have grown as a family away from the negative, joy sucking abusive man. He knows now the kids are all he has, and they actually quite enjoy being with him now. The issue was and is always ME (not the kids). He knows really, they are all he has, so is trying to step up as a father. Recently he has started being nice more consistently, turns out he has a woman.

Anyway, my point is, you have made the connection, you have admitted it to yourself and now you just need to jump. Be brave, for I can reassure you once you are through the other side, you will feel lighter, happier, and start falling in love with yourself again.

Good luck OP.

WoodforTrees,

Keep that list you wrote. When you feel ready to tell a friend (and I hope that's not far away,) give them that list. When you feel that you might stumble and walk back to your prison, call them and ask them to read it to you.

My girlfriend did this when she split with her ex. Her brain seemed to determined to hide every bad memory and push all the happy moments front and center.

In my girlfriend's case, she actually first told a neighbour. She expected disbelief and scepticism. She got nothing but support but more importantly validation that she was doing the right thing. I know it's a terrifying step but finding the courage to confide in one of your friends will help immensely.

You will also, at some point or another, be surprised at how unsurprised some people are. It very often turns out that many people didn't think the guy was as perfect as the abused thought they did. People are just good at minding their own business until asked to do otherwise. You'll likely get a "I did wonder..." in place of an expected "but he seemed so great."

People often refer to this situation as The Boiling Frog Analogy - the water heats up to boiling point so slowly, you don't realise its happening...

Keep trying WA.

You are putting his feelings ahead of yours and your kids.
he would absolutely disregard a court order, injunction - if you report him to the police he has to, breaking the law would make he would go to jail.

It is really hard to leave, it is total boiling frog syndrome and it is scary to step out into the unknown and leave.

Be strong, think of your DC and no longer living in fear