Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Try calling the WA helpline overnight if you can, you'll have a better chance then. You know the number 0808 2000 247.

Keep going, even if you feel dead, just one foot in front of the other. I also felt desperately sad and flat and low when I left my abusive marriage. Everyone said "you're so brave!" but I felt unbelievably crap. My face was like a mask.

@WoodforTrees It's okay to feel drained, and tired and exhausted. Your life with this man has worn you out.

You are always operating on a hyper vigilant level with him, and it would throw you off when he seems 'normal.' Because you know that it will turn in a second, maybe in a response to nothing at all or just a passing remark.

It's okay to feel how you're feeling. Its perfectly valid and fair and real. Anger would be energising, but I imagine anger would be hard to summon up when living with someone who uses anger against you all the time.

Do what you can. Bit by bit. It will come together, it has to come together. You are being tested to your utmost - this would be easier if you were working at the fullest of your powers and emotions and able to be stable.

Life with him has robbed you of so many things and in so many ways. But that life you want - with peace and quiet and freedom and nobody screaming, spitting and throwing, is possible. It is ahead of you. This is the rough part - preparing to leave and leaving.

But once you have left, you will be gone. You can have a rest. You can remember what it is to be alive again. You will have peace

That’s horrible op. Tell him to get out, why should you leave?

We are all rooting for you OP. Like many other posters have said, I have been on MN for a few years now but have never felt so disturbed by a thread.

You will get there.. It will be a bumpy ride but think about a calm, peaceful, safe and happy life which is round the corner waiting for you.

I have a friend in exactly this position. She is terrified to move out and terrified of his response to her "shaming" him. Nothing anyone can say to her will get her to leave at the moment. She will have to come to that decision herself. With my support she went to school to tell them about the situation and they referred her to social services for help. They in turn referred her to WA. Both have helped her a lot with counselling and support and she is getting to a place where I think she will leave eventually. They haven't forced her hand. They have advised and advised but has also agreed that she and her children are not in immediate danger ie not physical risk to life but they are counselling her now to get her ready to leave. Get that objective support and get ready to leave. The sooner the better

You're exhausted and fearful and that's totally understandable. He's worn you down over years.

You say you keep remembering DD's face. Perhaps remember how when she was tiny it didn't matter how tired you were, you powered on through to care for her. Because every exhausting step you're taking to extricate yourself from this dreadful marriage is a step towards the sanity, happiness and safety of your children.

Living with a DF like that is very damaging. DS2 had a very long term girlfriend. He'd only been seeing her a couple of months when he came to me asking if she could move in as her DF had hit her when she was trying to defend her DM. So she moved in and - to cut a long story short - ended up living with us for nearly 7 years.

She's been very damaged by her DPs - her DM as much as her DF, because her DM allowed it to happen and to continue. She sees them rarely now. When she sees her DM alone she's constantly encouraging her DM to end the marriage, but her DM belongs to an extreme church which teaches that women must obey their husbands even when they're wrong.

I don't think that even after all this time her DM appreciates how much harm she's allowed to happen to her DD. I don't think her DF cares, though despite me caring for and supporting his DD for all those years (and living about half a mile away) he's never been in any sort of contact with me. I wouldn't recognize him in the street and I've no idea what he thinks. I know what I think of him though.

The conversation will probably flow when you do finally get through. Good luck for your meeting with the school.
Let us know how it goes.

I didn't see where abouts in the country you live but if you need bedding/towels/toiletries/kitchen stuff anything really I would be happy to help you, I'm in London. You sound like you're being so brave. 💐

PP Hollywood nails it about your physical health as well as mental. The longer you stay the worse it will get and you might not find that inner strength to do so. You’re probably overwhelmed by all the posts on here, take an hour at a time. Do what you can, if you can keep a lid on it till you feel ready to move do so. But don’t stop. Write a list, tick off one thing each day. I understand why you don’t feel like you can just up and leave right away. When the time is right you’ll know for you.

Keep posting and keep safe.

Wishing you all the best OP. I am in London and have a double mattress and bedding you could have if you decide to make use of your flat xx

Thinking about you.

Sending a hand to hold when you need strength.

Sending you a massive hug. You have so much support behind you here xx

The meeting at school has left me reeling a bit. I didn't say too much but they were very kind. I don't think they really knew what to say but they did promise to keep an eye on DC, offer support and be mindful of the situation. They told me I can call / come to the school at any time if I need to update them of our situation. It's the first time I have said anything like this 'out loud'. I nearly cried but I didn't.

I am torn about something. I want to talk to the DC. I want to stress to them that this is not a 'dirty secret' and that if they need to talk to someone, they must feel free to do that. That's what I want to do. But it IS a secret and I am terrified that it will open a can of worms. I don't want to aggravate the situation as it might set me back. Maybe I should just sit on it for now and give them lots of love and cuddles. I don't know....

Reading back through this is extraordinary. There are so many posters that I want to name check and thank specifically but I don't have the luxury of time at the moment. You are all so so kind. Please know that your words are making a HUGE difference. They are beginning to make this real and that is what I posted for.

To the poster who mentioned the toll on physical health, yes. I get Migraines very definitel related to specific 'incidents' at home - partly though stress, partly though physically holding myself in a tense and rigid way and partly though lack of sleep. Often a bad night means I wake up at 5am with a migraine. I also had a routine hospital appointment and I wasn't at all concerned about it - felt quite relaxed there to be honest, but my blood pressure was though the roof - well over 200/90. They had to take it twice because they thought it must be wrong (second time was fractionally lower). I think i am existing in a state of such constant high alert/vigilance that I feel stressed without even knowing it.

You've taken such a brave big step today, and I think you should be really proud of yourself.

Regarding your DC, I'd be a bit careful. If they do say something at school and SS are involved, he's going to kick off big style. Just focus on your exit, keep yourselves safe in the meantime and then focus on their (and your) well-being when you're safe.

Massive well done on the huge step today. It's the first step on the road to a new peaceful life for you and your DC. I hope you manage to contact WA at some point. You could also try calling Solace Women's Aid, who have refuges all over London, direct on 0808 802 5565. Have a look at their website too...Solace. There is a single button to click on if you need to hide the site urgently and there is a lot of advice and support there.

I have specifically requested that the school keep this internal for that reason JaneEyre07. They agreed and said there was nothing in my report to them to trigger further action on their part.

Someone mentioned an App upthread and i can't find the post. Does anyone remember what it was called? It was for recording incidents as they happen??

Hi op it was me . The app is called the keep and is designed with the cithrah foundation.
Available on the App Store.

Heres the link to the women’s hour podcast about it
www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p073dsjb

The Keep App link for info.

@leatherflamingle this looks like a really useful app. Will pass it on amongst my colleagues.

@tkband3 I think so too.... clever
op I hope it helps 💐

OP I am so sorry for the horrific situation that this person has put you in. You are doing amazingly and are clearly such a strong and intelligent woman to be dealing with all that you are with such insight and integrity.

Of course you are feeling tired and drained. You are handling a huge amount, whilst on top of this being a wonderful mum to your children. You must be exhausted. Do be kind to yourself and if possible take a few moments (even a few breaths) today just for you.

Keep trying WA. It will be worth the resource when you are able to connect. You have taken such a brave and positive step with the school. It is understandable to have mixed emotions about this meeting. However in sharing even the smallest snippets of what you are going through they are now equipped with some knowledge and able to offer support accordingly.

You will get through this period and reach a point where you are able to live the life that you and your children deserve.

If you happen to be in the North West and I can be of any help whatsoever please do not hesitate to ask.

All the very best wishes

Hi op,
So glad you are still safe for now and moving steadily forward, my offer of flat help still stands if you need it....we all want you to be in a better place with your DCs.......

You've taken a really important step today in talking to the school - scary though as it can feel like 'oh shit this is actually happening!' But you are starting to beat the frozen numbness now.
Everyone on here is totally behind you for as little or as much advice and support as you need.