Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Jesus Christ he literally sounds on the edge. You must be in a fog of fear and dread. Can you start making plans to outfit your flat bit by bit or at least get in contact with WA? They might have some practical advice . Worried about you OP and sending big
No emoticon for a hug but meant anyway. Am in the SW if I can help.

I haven't read everyone's posts, but I have read all of yours @WoodforTrees. I'm really relieved to hear that you are going to call WA in the morning - they will be able to talk you through your options and help you see what the best plan is for you and your DC.

I work in a refuge in London. Our job is not only to house women and children who have fled abusive partners, but also to support them to move on, independently and confidently, into new lives. From reading your posts, I do genuinely believe that this is the best option for you and your DC right now. But at the same time, I understand that you are paralysed with fear and, as your user name suggests, can't see a way out of the awful situation in which you find yourself. Don't feel that you're alone in feeling this way.

Your life may feel like chaos at the moment. But this won't change for as long as you stay with him. You may have to make some significant changes in your and your DC's lives in order to leave him. But it will be worth it to know that you can all live without the debilitating and exhausting fear you're currently experiencing.

Feel free to PM me if you'd like to. And keep posting on this thread - this nest of vipers will support you.

Your post at 18:59 described my ex.
25 years of intermittent but progressively predictable abuse.

I stopped buying anything I liked because I knew it would get broken. I only bought plain white mugs. I got sad when people bought me beautiful things for presents because I knew they would end up broken.

A final straw was the sweeping of all the crockery off the table over some discussion on holidays, then before going to a&e with a bleeding hand he went upstairs to tell our children that it was my fault for winding him up

I never told anyone for a long time. Finally got the courage to start by making some anonymous calls to woman's aid, later broke down at work. Was supported! Once I started talking it got easier and easier, so many people sadly have experienced this in one form or another. NO-ONE ever blamed me. My family were incredible.

My biggest fear was that on leaving he would be so enraged that he would kill us. I left in secret, well-planned though. He has no-one to blame but himself now although he still doesn't see it. Our children have drifted away from him and rarely see him at the moment as he is in a self-pitying phase. But every person's happiness is only their own responsibility. That applies to both of you!

He is not a bad man, in fact has a high moral code. And many good points which is of course why I fell in love with him. But the scales overbalanced for whatever reasons, and life was often unbearable though it felt like I had no other choice for a long time. Leaving is not an easy decision. For me, it was lots of little steps with each one bringing more confidence and resolve.

I have NEVER regretted it. Of course, there have been problems but the joy of not living in fear in your own home overweighs everything. Things become fun again. Life becomes 'normal'.

Your children should be at the front of your mind - the longer you stay, the greater the chance of harm to their mental health. This has been our biggest issue.

Op l live in the SE and am a landlady, l have lots of odd, but clean good furniture floating around, and l can organise you a cheap plumber........PM me if l can be of help...l am going to bed but will be up at 6.30 and may be able to help you sort flat......

One more thing. You don't actually have to explain why you have left! He will know, deep down, although will hate to admit it. But more likely he will grovel and promise to change. You may want that to happen too. It is possible for a very few, but highly unlikely. Most likely in between the apologies and grovelling you will detect increasingly obvious signs that this is all power play and he does actually still blame and accuse you.

This was my childhood. I watched my father verbally and emotionally (and occasionally physically) abuse my mother for years. Then when I was old enough to think for myself I became enemy number 2. I received the same treatment and I look back at my childhood with a lot of sadness and a sense of loss. Your description of your H could be used to describe my father. I used to beg DM to leave him but she was afraid because of his empty threats. He wouldn't have cared if he'd have lost us but he would have cared that he'd lost control. Eventually my father left my mother and it is the best thing that ever happened. I understand why my mother couldn't leave but I was very angry that she didn't for a long time. I will forever be affected by my father's behaviour and my DB is also struggling well into adulthood. I'm not here to urge you to leave but I wanted to share my experience so that you and your DC know you are not alone

Well done on taking this first but VERY brave step in making life better for you and your children. I’m so glad that you’ve decided to contact WA in the morning, but I thought a few practical things might be helpful in the meantime.

Could you gather important paperwork and documentation and put them in a safe place? Passports, birth certificates, mortgage and bank statements, that sort of thing?
Also, the same for anything precious to you, jewellery, kids memory boxes, photographs, etc.
Is your phone and laptop password protected? Can you change the settings to clear cookies and history each time you’ve browsed. And untick the save password options so that he can’t get into your Mumsnet account and find out about your plans.
It might be helpful to copy and paste some of what you’ve shared with us and email them to a trusted person until you have a women’s aid contact.

You are not on your own with this, not any more.

Good luck OP. Please take a deep breath and get any ball rolling - you calling WA tomorrow is a big brave step. Putting passports in a carry case or carrier bag. Telling friends and your boss that you are scared and in a violent situation at home. Taking screenshots of letters when you know he's out. Logging incidents with 101

There have been some offers of help on the thread - do know that you can take them up. It's not too much and it's not an imposition. People will drop everything to make sure you are safe

Your kids need their mum. You are their buffer against him and the rest of the world. Anything happening to you would both devastate them and leave them alone and unprotected.

You know what needs to happen next. The flat isn't the right solution as he COULD break in and the lack of facilities could drive you back to his house.

This is the hard part. This is the anticipation before the band aid comes off. It's not easy, but your kids and you need YOU. You are so important and so loved. You deserve peace and a life of your choosing. You deserve soft spoken words and quiet.

Everyone here supports you. Your friends will support you. Womens Aid will do their utmost. Even the police will take you seriously and want justice. Good luck

WoodforTrees

I understand that for you leaving is a process, a mental one as well as a physical and practical one. The scales only tipped the other way for you this weekend and as you’ve said yourself you’ve found yourself at a crossroad and in unfamiliar territory.

At the same time as your processing the fact that your going to have to leave, the fear you’ve been managing all this time is screaming at you. You know it’s dangerous to leave, hell you know it’s dangerous to even be considering leaving but at the same time you know you must!

Think of things like this, crude but true....

Weigh up in one hand all the things that connect or tie you to your life that you have right now. All the terrible things and even all the good things and everything else in between. Feel the weight of it and hold in there.

Now....

In your other hand weigh up the worst case scenario, you say you don’t know what he would do, however in the moments of fear your brain has gone there. Willingly or not you’ve imagined it. How heavily does this weigh in your hand?

Now imagine being free, you free of him, free of the abuse and all the fear....how do you feel? Paint yourself a mental picture of what being free of him is like, quiet cosy uninterrupted evenings with your kids, a random stroll in the park on a sunny day, having the tv all to yourself and a hot cuppa. Whatever it is paint the picture, start building it in your mind and focus on it, aim for it and tell yourself you WILL get there.

In order to free yourself you have to be ready and willing to let go of everything that is weighing in your hands. You have to realise that some times it’s not just the fear and the bad things that tie and trap you there, but it’s the good things too. You have to let go of it all, be ready to go live in the picture of freedom you’ve painted for you and your kids.

Letting go is not easy and scary and also dangerous, but you can do it. Just keep painting your picture, keep imagining your freedom and how good it will feel. Each call to women’s aid is like a brush on the canvass, and so is each and every tiny step to make towards letting it all go. Trust me, when you’ve let go and when you are ready you will see that walking into a refuge with your children will be like breaking free of the prison and walking and right towards and into the picture of freedom you’ve been painting.

In short my advice is to stop seeing all of the obstacles and start painting your picture, start letting go of this life and mentally walking towards the lovely new one you can make for you and your children.

Please get away from him. How much worse would it have to get for you to leave immediately??

OP - please open up to your friends. I’m in a similar situation and I’ve had nothing but kindness and help from every single one. It was so hard to tell the first one, but got far easier after that.

I think you will find they may have suspected all along...

Do the refuge option until you get the flat sorted

@russianoak Ah! Near the airfield? Beautiful place :) I'm in Harrogate

Please, leave ASAP and safely. Leaving an abusive relationship is the most dangerous time. Call the police when he is kicking off next time. Throwing stuff, breaking things, swearing is abuse. Go to a refuge. It is the safest place to be. Unless he tells people, no one will know where you are! For the beginning, you won’t do regular dad to day stuff as it won’t be safe. Once it’s determined to be safe you will be advised by the people at the refuge.

You will be supported. He not be the ruler and controller of your fear and safety any more.

Hello @WoodforTrees
I know you've discounted the idea iPod a refuge but have you read this post in the Relationships board? There may be preconceptions you have which may be answered here.

For anyone desperate to leave an abusive relationship but reluctant to move into a refuge
http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/936487-For-anyone-desperate-to-leave-an-abusive-relationship-but-reluctant#190701366_

Regarding the flat. How realistic is it for you and the children to live there in the near future? Would you be prepared to see if you can sell it at auction? The likelihood is that a developer could purchase it, giving you a deposit for a rental instead? Is that flat in your name only?

I would strongly recommend you seeing what other help is out there and, as mentioned, Women's Aid is a good start. You may need to be persistent as lines are often busy I understand.

This man is angry and his violence and controlling behaviour is escalating. None of you are safe so I hope you are able to get help soon. Have you spoken to Citizens Advice to see how they can help?

Also check out the website below.
https://www.ncdv.org.uk/about-ncdv//_

I hope you manage to get some help. You deserve a better life.

Meanwhile, stay safe and please ensure you always delete your browsing history after each session or use the private browsing option wherever possible. 🌹

Sorry. Not "the idea iPod a refuge" but "the idea OF a refuge"

Who he is and how he behaves - those things are not your fault, not your responsibility. You don’t have to consider them, other than to keep yourself and your children safe from them.

You know that you have to get out, now. Today’s priority is to work out how, using the advice above and WA. Stay safe.

Sending you a hand hold for the phone call today OP 💐

Op please please take the advice of what people are saying who have been there done it and you know deep down they are right

He sounds on the edge and even if you go to the flat that's going to anger him the fact you've had the nerve to leave him. Don't leave your children with him you've seen what he has already done to your daughter.

Whatever you decide you need to tell people friends/gp/school this kind of behaviour does have an affect on children even if they aren't affected directly like your son. I saw my mentally ill mum go for my dad several times and 30 years later I still can see it. Seek the help of the charities and support mentioned.

I can't do a refuge. Not because I don't think they are brilliant or I think it's 'not for me', but because this is the kind of step that would trigger an outpouring of rage from H. Because he would consider this to be shameful and overly dramatic

I'm sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but I just wanted to say that when you leave, it's not about what he thinks or wants any more. It's about putting an end to his grotesque bullying and abuse. It's so hard to step out of his narrative and start to think for yourself and know your own truth. You will never regret it.

Not read the full thread but just wanted to say please talk to your friends. Form a little team, show them this thread, ask for their help and come up with a plan to get the hell out of this awful situation. If you were my friend I would move heaven and earth.

Speak to Women's Aid, as they have the best experience and can advise you on what will be safest. You also may have a local domestic violence unit, who will also be experienced in these kinds of cases.

The problem is, leaving to a flat is also likely to trigger an outpouring of rage. Abusive men do not like to feel that they are losing control on their "property". It is an extremely dangerous time and it is not possible to break off control "softly" or by making him think it is his idea - it doesn't work like that. His entire being is focused on controlling you. How do you think you are going to escape that without him noticing? You can't. The only safe way would be quickly and totally - totally means to vanish, out of area, away from anywhere he can find you.

Unfortunately it might be that the other things - the job, commitments, school - these might also be too dangerous to continue, at least in the short term. As you're right to notice that these things present a risk, time that you are not in the refuge, times that he knows where to expect you to be. Definitely speak to Women's Aid - if there is any way that they can support you to leave safely and keep up these things then they will but if not, I would strongly suggest listening to their experience and wisdom. It's not uncommon that the first instance of violence is extreme, and it's extremely common for the first instance of violence to occur during a leave attempt.

I know that's an awful thought - not just to leave him but to change your whole lives - but think about it. If you were in a life threatening car crash with your children you would not be prioritising work, school and other commitments, you would be in hospital, by their side, making sure everyone had the best care. If someone gave you a remote control to reverse time you would do. Metaphorically, the relationship is that car crash, protecting yourself and your DC while you go through the dangerous process of leaving is like having that remote control.

As I said, talk to Women's Aid, if they can help you without resorting to extremis they will do, but listen to them as well.

This thread is genuinely one of the most concerning I’ve ever read. Please leave OP 😟. You can do this.

I would bet that the business partner and your friends are far more aware of your situation than just being "concerned". You are trying to keep up appearances but I would think it is pretty self evident all is far from well. Please confide in one in rl, they may be able to facilitate you leaving , ie. Work to flat , while you tread water and get organised.

Good luck with making your phone call @WoodforTrees

You might find his business partner would allow a payment to fix plumbing from the business - if you explain what's required. Ie take it from your husband's income before he even notices.

Freecycle could help with temporary furniture etc . But support from RL people will be most helpful - all the time you 'play happy families ' they are blissfully un aware just how bad things are . You might even find out they are 'playing it's all alright ' at work too !

Best wishes to you all . Hope you can start afresh soon. Stay safe