Please can I (finally) ask for help.

[WoodforTrees]

I have been on here for 14 years under about three names. I feel like I have been living a lie offering advice about relationships and sharing funny anecdotes when my life is a fucking mess. And today, I have decided to ask for help instead.

I have been with H since I was 20 - just over 25 years. For the past ten years, my H's behaviour has become progressively worse. We have escalated from a 'bit of a temper' to what I consider to be abuse (he does not hit me). We have also escalated from 90% of the time good, 10% of the time awful, to almost a full flip. As I say, this has been going on for about 10 years and the creep has been gradual and suddenly I am in my late forties and feeling like driving my car into a wall.

This weekend, triggered by various inane actions/words on my part (mostly 'crimes' I have committed in the past - years ago - along the lines of 'being disorganised' and 'letting him down' and 'going against him' in a couple of decisions), he has:

1. Thrown all the raw ingredients for dinner all over the kitchen and then screamed at me to get out of the kitchen before he 'fucking kills me'. I left.

1. Chucked a glass of water at me and DD (14) whilst we were in my bed this morning (because DD is also in trouble for something she did yesterday).

1. Called me a cunt and fat slag in front of my children

1. Called my mum similar names to above (she died a year ago)

There's actually tons more but I don't have the energy. This is not especially unusual.

I have read every single thing I can on domestic abuse (including the Lundy book) and he ticks a lot of the boxes but not all. Our relationship began as best friends for a long time - I thought I knew him well. We dated for years before we got engaged. Everything was gentle and measured rather than the love-bombing etc that is par for the course. A few things happened to him that were truly awful but in no way justification for the way we are all living now, and this seemed to start the downward spiral. This has been like watching someone you love gradually get taken over by another person and not know how to drag the old version back out.

He drinks too much. He is unhappy. He has distanced himself from his friends and family and sees nobody and goes nowhere aside from work. He is angry and bitter and full of hate towards everyone. He paces around the house all night never getting enough sleep and he rants and talks to himself about how much he hates me within earshot of me all the time. I believe he is mentally ill but in the absence of any attempt to seek help, I think, seeing him pick on DD, I might have reached my rock bottom

DD is starting to fear and hate him.
DS (11) doesn't yet, but he is a gentle and passive person so doesn't come under fire as much as DD who challenges his behaviour and words.

I often think that this will only end when one of us dies. I don't know how to extract myself, I don't know any other life. I don't believe he will 'allow' this to end peacefully. I don't know what to do at all.

I have somewhere I could go - not really liveable long term (think pretty derelict flat but roof over your head) and not fair on the DC for much more than a few nights. I am in debt, have no access to money and claim nothing. I work freelance so have money when I work and nothing much when I don't. H has always paid mortgage and bills and I have supplemented as much as I can.

If I leave, I don't know how I can make it work. The flat has no proper plumbing and I don't have anything like the money to get it sorted. There is no furniture either. I feel frozen like a rabbit in the headlights. He makes my stomach knot and gives me migraines. He follows me around and rants and tells me off and how shit I am and I try not to feel anything and I am scared that if I allow myself to feel one little thing then I am going to feel too much and I don't know what I will do.

This is a ramble.

Sorry

I feel a bit desperate and wonder if anyone had anything that might help me get my thoughts in order?

And sorry if I don't come back straight away. Sometimes H confiscates things in a fit of fury including phones/ipads/router etc.

I can't believe how mad my life has become without me even noticing :(

Glad you’re ok OP teeny tiny steps are the best way to start

Well done OP, teeny steps towards the start of your new life. Keep going!

💐💐💐💐

Frankly OP I am worried for your safety, and the safety of your children. I don’t see a way out without police involvement. Don’t make your decision based on how he may respond as you truly have no idea what will happen.
Stay safe. Keep planning your escape, you can do this xx

Teeny tiny steps will take you forward and before you know it you will have taken giant strides. Good luck.

Glad you're doing OK OP. Another voice here offering you support and cheering you on

Also stories like yours are the reason I donate to womens aid, so ftommy point of view please do access all the help you can from them. I hope you've managed to get through. I think you can leave a message and they're very sensitive about when they call back - you can leave details telling them when it's safe. Also you can email.

Good luck, you can do this

All the teeny tiny steps will add up and the distance will be covered lass. Just keep taking them.

No matter how small the steps are, you're still
Moving forward.

So glad you posted OP. so many of us thinking of you.

Glad you’re ok. Keep taking the teeny tiny steps to freedom 💐

This is one of the most chilling posts I've ever seen on here. He sounds like an utter nut.

I don't think you'd be safe in the flat. I think he'd show up there and batter you, tbh. (or worse).

There was a very similar case just a few streets away from me, where a woman had left her abusive H, and he murdered her in her new home, and then hung himself. Very shocking.

Whatever you do, don't alert him that you are leaving. My usually non violent ExH, actually attacked me twice, when he learned that I was leaving him. I can't imagine what an abuser like your H would be capable of.

I think a refuge might be your only option. But it won't be forever, it's just a stepping stone.

Thinking about you @WoodforTrees

You're doing so well. Baby steps and soon you'll be running a marathon!

I have told a friend.

Not everything – I was too ashamed (I know), but enough for her to have a picture of what life has been like for a long time now. She said lots of things now made sense – sudden cancellation of plans, me seeming really up and happy one minute and then really hard to get hold of and distant the next etc Suddenly having to leave places when we were out when I’d got a text or phone call etc. She also knows DC well and has told me how wonderful and resilient they are, but also how important it is that they are not subjected to this any longer.

I howled. She cuddled me. I howled some more.

She has known H for many years. She said that she is well aware that he has withdrawn and is not the happy person he used to be and she has suspected depression for a long time, but she had no idea of how his behaviour was manifesting. She asked if I wanted her to talk to him (or her H) and I have declined for now. I still don’t want him to realise I am having any kind of epiphany at this point.

She has offered me: a bed for all of us, support with anything practical she can help with, lifts and help moving stuff if I need it, and communications if I don’t have access to phone/laptop etc. She will have the DC for sleepovers whenever and she will encourage them to talk to her if they want to. She has mostly offered me the thing I didn’t have which is a person who has my back and that I can call and not have to hide from. She said the most amazing thing to me. She told me that in the absence of a Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother/Aunt/Any Family, she will be my sister – she has three of them and they are very close – and even though I know it’s not ‘real’, it was an amazing gesture and she is a good woman who will honour her promise to be by my side. I feel hugely lucky to have her.

I am feeling very strange at having opened up and said it all out loud – a mix of relief and fear, but also a bit removed like I just watched someone else let the Genie out of the Bottle and had nothing to do with it. There's already a bit of me that wants to take it all back and make it go away but I know I can't.

I know telling someone in RL isn’t a solution – but it’s a start for me. It is my tiny step. It’s not a refuge or WA (who STILL haven’t picked up the phone) but it’s something, and for me, it’s a big thing. Tomorrow, I will be in a position where I can leave a message for WA so I will try to take that step next.

H is being perfectly nice at the moment (by our shit standards). It’s been quite the run for him – three days – but it’s almost harder when it’s like this, because you can so easily to persuade yourself that everything will be ok and it’s fine to go back to sleep.

Thank you everyone. If not for posting there is no WAY I would have told anyone in RL.

You are doing grand lass.

It's these little steps that will get you there.

You are doing amazingly OP. These are huge steps.
This man has NO capacity for real change. Keep kicking.

Telling someone is a massive step, I bet that can't have been easy but you've been so brave. I hope it has reinforced that people will support you and although the way dh is treating you has become your normal, its is not normal & you deserve so much better.

I have told a friend

^ best thing I will read on MN today Wood! So pleased you now have some RL support

Well done Op, thats a massive step!

Telling someone in the flesh was a big step. Well done you. And her reaction couldn't have been better.

She told me that in the absence of a Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother/Aunt/Any Family, she will be my sister – she has three of them and they are very close – and even though I know it’s not ‘real’, it was an amazing gesture and she is a good woman who will honour her promise to be by my side."

I find that immensely moving. You chose the right person to confide in, didn't you? That's the kind of friend all of us should have. Bet you're so glad you told her.

I feel hugely lucky to have her.

I suspect she feels the same about you. She obviously likes you a lot.

Congrats on opening up to someone in RL 👏👏
How wonderful that you have someone looking out for you and somewhere safe to go

That’s brilliant. I cried when I read that bit about her offering to be your sister. You gained so much strength there. Chose the right person.
Tiny steps but that was a really important one.
Well done op you are doing amazing .

Once I got over the shame and started to tell people I was overwhelmed with the support I got. Emotional and practical. You can do this. Xxx

So glad you could do this. Sounds like you have a good friend. Don’t feel any shame in leaning on her for now when you need to - take her up on her offers. Good luck - keep going! X

She told me that in the absence of a Mum/Dad/Sister/Brother/Aunt/Any Family, she will be my sister – she has three of them and they are very close – and even though I know it’s not ‘real’, it was an amazing gesture and she is a good woman who will honour her promise to be by my side."

Bloody hell this is absolutely gorgeous, it made me cry and I'm so pleased you have someone like this by your side. In a way it's more 'real' than a blood relation because she's found friendship with you and now loves you like a sister. Thinking of you

So pleased to hear you've crossed the hurdle of confiding in someone in RL.

🌷well done for telling your friend and also for realising you cannot ‘go back to sleep’

Personally, I wouldn’t say anything to the kids until you have some actual plans in place. I think it gives them far too much responsibility to ‘keep quiet’ about things and they really do have to until you are out of there or he could turn really violent. You need to be SAFE, more than the kids need to know. There’s time to reassure them and help them once you are out & safe.

Being safe is the most important thing, but you also need to try not to lose everything in the process.

I’d be seeing a shit hot lawyer ASAP to see about your rights re the house etc and how to get him out. You HAVE to be 100% honest with them though, so they know just how bad things are. They won’t judge you for staying so long, they’ll just want to help you.

Be safe 🌷

I'm so pleased you've confided in someone.

You should be so proud of the steps you've taken. Even admitting all of this to yourself is a massive ordeal.